All-Mart by Robert Glenn Newcomer (bert) - Short, Horror - One boy's nightmare journey through everyone's favorite department store. 10 pages - pdf, format

[Link Disabled:  Script is currently under option]

!Contains Spoilers!

So let me get this straight...Night terrors, right? Hehe just kidding. Or is it day terrors? Well, whatever this kid has, even an active imagination, this script is messed up and I'm sure glad I'm not that kid.

I just never really understood the story though. What was wrong with the kid? Does he have an over-active imagination like I said? Is "All-Mart" taking over his mind? Or is it all simply just a dream?

You should have it to where when his mom is about to eat him and he wakes up from a nightmare and his mom walks in and she's like "Gerald, get dressed, we're going to Wal-Mart." or something. I don't know, but this was a good script. I liked it.

Sean

WOW......cool script.  This felt like a really twisted episode of the twilight zone or amazing stories, I would love to see this made into a short film.  The part with the dolls all looking at gerald really creeped me out, reminded me of an episode of Seinfeld where George's fionce(or how ever you spell it), has a doll that looks exactly like his mother and it's always looking at him.

I liked the warthog lady and the part with the syringe, those were really effective, and the end, all I can say is great ending, I had a feeling something like that would happen, in fact I would have been dissapointed if it didn't.  anyways keep up the great writing.

Bert,
You creeped me out here and I'm sitting in the bright sunshine.
This one actually worked better for me than The Farm.
I really felt for the boy. Poor kid! Like a really bad nightmare.
You did good on the charachters inside ALL-Mart. The only ones missing would be the old "greeter" at the door and huge rear-ends in spandex.
Good job Bert!
Short and creepy.

I had to think a little bit about the "social commentary".
This is all I could come up with,
Emperor has no clothes, only the boy sees the true evil of "All-Mart".

Thanks guys.  Glad this one seems to be working.

(SPOILERS)

TDW2N, it's supposed to be like a nightmare -- although there is a coherent story there, it's a bit jumbled -- and what is really going on is up to you.

So which do you find most frightening --

-- the idea that these things are real, but seen only by Gerald -- or the thought of some poor, psychotic kid who lives his life as one horrific episode after the other?

And thanks Drex and Tomson, too.  The clerk was supposed to be a "greeter" type -- he's 70+ with a pocketfull of stickers -- but maybe I should do something to make that more clear.

SPOILERS:



You are right about the Clerk, he is the greeter. Stickers and all.
Scary part? Sense of claustrophobia and panic when everywhere you turn
nothing is as it should, feeling of evil closing in.
I'm telling you, you did a good job here

Quoted from bert So which do you find most frightening -- -- the idea that these things are real, but seen only by Gerald -- or the thought of some poor, psychotic kid who lives his life as one horrific episode after the other?

Both. That kid seriously needs some treatment. Is there a doctor in the house? Or better yet, a psychiatrist?

Sean

It is something intresting, it was like the Twilight Zone as others have mentioned. It was good.

This was really fun/twisted/freaky but most of all it was a PAGE turner.It was wonderfully written and kept me wondering. A nice trip into a little kid's psyche.

I thought the descriptions were great, especially the " the place seems to have it's own horizon" part. Next time I visit the local wal-mart i have no doubt this little story will run rampant through my own messed up head.

This seemed to be a dream, that would fit nicely into a larger story, do you have any ideas of fleshing it out? It was like an opening that would definately draw me in!

I agree with Tomson

It creeped me out and I felt for the boy.Great job and thanks for jump starting my brain today!

---kotton

Don't know if this was meant but i laughed at a few scenes. I'm sure some of them were meant though. You have the horror with some comedy and that makes a perfect movie. (After seeing Slither last night it's hard to find something better then it) But this was good. I'll tell ya one thing... i'll never look at a Spiderman doll the same way again. Good work.

9/10

Bert,

EEERIE.  Definitely a Twilight Zone story.   Again, another great anthology piece.  I like the idea that the story could go either way...  the kid's either a paranoid-schizo or that he is really seeing beneath a thin "feel good" veneer.

The story has elements of "Living Doll" or Talking Tina, as I prefer to call it.  And "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet" with William Shatner.

Some SPOILERS.

Random thoughts.  I never got the impression there were a lot of people in the store. No biggie here, just an observation.   You know how big I am on foreshadowing.  So I'm thinking that on Page 1, there is an opportunity to add a hint of things to come.   Maybe when the Spiderman Doll first talks, maybe he says something CRYPTIC.  Or maybe to hint at the kid's mental state, Gerald says something like, "Are you the real Spiderman?"

Another possibility is Mom saying something to Gerald early on that might suggest SHE is the reason for his instability.  Maybe something like "Now you've got a real playmate."

I like all the old baggers in the store.  Kinda familiar, kinda creepy.  I think to a little kid, old people can be nightmarish.

On Page 9, there is the scene where the old geezer asks if Gerald wants to buy the Spriderman. At first I thought it might be better for Gerald not to look at mom, but to recoil. That we see his fear.   Now I'm thinking it's OK as is, because we see that Mom is his security.  As long as she's there, he's safe.  EXCELLENT. Really sets up the final scene.

Before the final car scene, what if the old Greeter geezer is rearranging the clothes rack and finds something on the floor, inside the racks.  Something that could have belonged to mom.  But not obvious.

Then segueway into the kill scene.

Final scene. What if Spiderman says "I'm Spiderman. I'm gonna kill you."
Gerald screams for mom.  Before turning to reveal her monstrous face, she answers SPIDERMAN and not Gerald.

Then she turns to reveal her monstrous face and says that SHE is Gerald's mom and she is gonna kill him. Lunge.

That final scene kind of reminds me of the opening of Twilight Zone the movie. Remember when Akroyd says, you wanna see something scary.  And turns a calm, quiet moment into a chiller.

Really neat story here, Bert.  As in Salvage, you do an impeccable job with atmosphere and characters.  Some kid is gonna watch this film some day and never look at his grandparents the same way.

And those kids might not look at mom in the same light, either.  Touche.

Bert

Great story. I was peeing my pants as I read. Had to look under my desk to see if Spiderman was there.

The title was great and the key point that made me click to read. If I were to give any suggestions I would say putting a five year old in a car seat is a bit over the top. I would make the kid a few years older, like maybe eight.

I loved the sticker guy. Great twist and change in meaning.

Certainly this is a good short and could be a great feature. Think about it. Your writing is fabulous.

Spencer

Another great horror short, Bert. I honestly wasn't sure if it was going to work. I mean, horror... in a shopping mall? But I think you pulled it off. I felt a real Stephen King vibe throughout the whole thing but you managed to make it your own. The heighlight for me was the "sticker." Few problems here. The only thing is that I didn't see the social commentary in this. Maybe it just wasn't as in-your-face as in some films nowadays. Nice job with this one.

Wow -- thanks rymatt and Kotton and Spencer -- and for your votes of confidence as to a feature -- I'm just not sure it's there, you know?  One of the things I was doing with this one was a low-budget horror short, which is something I was lacking.  If you bump this up to a feature, right away you lose the option of doing it on the cheap.

Quoted from Abe from LA ...we see that Mom is his security.  As long as she's there, he's safe...

Abe -- this is exactly what the reader is supposed to take away.  At least, in part.  Thanks alot for that.  You can't always trust your mother, huh?  As for Spiderman himself, I like keeping him mundane -- my kid actually has this doll -- it exists -- and these are the things it says.  And, yeah -- it's kind of creepy.

You've got some good ideas though, Abe -- and I can feel your thoughts struggling to bubble to the surface.  You gotta' let 'em out, man.  Time to start writing haha.

Andrew:  There are a few parts that could be played out as comic if the director wanted to take it in that direction.  Given your mind's eye, I am not surprised you visualized them in this way -- you are the first to comment on that.

James:  That "vibe" isn't by accident.  I grew up on that stuff, and I'll never deny his influence.  I like it when people see it.  And commentary is a subjective thing, of course.  There's a little bit on mothers, and a bit more on the big-box department stores.  And I actually like what Tomson came away with.

Anyways, thanks again, all.  I wasn't sure how this one would go over.

Good job on this one, bert.  

SPOILERS

You managed to tell a scary tale in an ordinary and trival arena. I liked how the inoffensive stuff (i.e. doll) becomes a scaring threat to this kid.

I have mixed feelings about the ending, though. I liked that this ended on a dark tone giving the feeling that the nightmare is not over for this kid.

But I felt that you strayed away from the very thing that made this tale scary: the kid sees some nasty stuff which would scare anyone. But what´s interesting here is that the kid´s mom  doesn´t believe him because he´s a kid. It´s a desperate situation for him, and for us the audience, because during this tale we are the kid. We could get killed in this friggin place and nobody believes us!

I guess this is why psycho mom didn´t scare me as much as the previous scenes. The car scene would have scared me more if spiderman made something creepy, while an oblivious mom kept driving.

Anyways, Mom´s last line felt a little bit on-the-nose, I guess there´s no need to have her tell us what she is going to do. By telling Gerald he miss behaved while showing her pointed teeth, we get the picture I think.

Despite this little thing at the end, I really enjoyed this.

Bert, you're probably gonna hate me after this.

Quiet honestly this didn't work for me.  By the ending I had questions that left me baffled.  Was this all just a living nightmare?  Was this kid psychologically insane?  Was he seeing things?  What was real and what wasn't?  I think Abe made some good points of having the Spiderman doll saying some twisted things which would have really added onto the story.

The kid's dillusions of the woman and clerk show the nightmarish state that the child is in, but I think the doll saying twisted things would give it more of a creepy Twilight Zone-y feel.  Did you ever see that episode where the girl's doll makes death threats to her stepdad?  I guess what I'm proposing may be too much like that, but it's just a thought.

The woman transforming into a warthog, the sticker-syringe, and the guy in the clothing rack pretty well demonstrate how this kid may be screwy, but I was just hoping for more.  Something a little more in your face would have been nicer, but maybe that's just my style of liking.  I glanced over the other comments and noticed that you wanted a low budget horror short.  I think you could do some very special things with this piece and I wish you luck, but as a script I think it would also work nicely as a feature.  Yeah, I know I also said that with Starbuck Starr, but I guess it's just the style of writing you have where you create these stories that can go so far beyond the given page length.

So it's a nice piece of writing but it just didn't work for me like some of your other pieces have.  But I guess one mediocre review out of 10 isn't half bad at all.

To both Greg and Z -- I am surprised I didn't get more comments about that final scene.  It just doesn't have the impact "on the page" as what I am seeing played out in my mind's eye -- and I sensed that on my own before I even sent this in.

I think it was Abe who mentioned that "wanna see something really scary?" scene from Twilight Zone -- and this is supposed to play out like that -- real fast -- boom, cut to black.

I still think it could be effective, but everybody seems to think that the doll could be put to better use.  I'll have to think more on that.

Thanks for the comments, guys, and some stuff to consider.

So you’re saying that you-know-who is causing the decay of society? And that only Spiderman can save us? Did I get it?

Hey Bert,

Of course, I had to read this one after what you said in the WIP thread. You’re mad! Mad! You have a thing about scaring children, don’t you? -- haha.

No, seriously, I see what you’re doing with the child. It’s so very frightening to be alone in public when you’re a child. The imagination can run pretty far amok. The feeling of being lost is a curious feeling. A feeling of utter chaos and unpredictability. The words family,  familiar, and even fame for that matter, all share roots. This poor child has lost all sense of familiarity and all stability. You symbolize that chaos and unpredictability with a series of visions that are randomly horrific. Ahh, symbolism. It’s like sweet music to my demented mind.

I was inclined for a moment to wonder if the comparison of the runaway shopping cart to an epileptic seizure wasn’t symbolic of Gerald’s condition being seizures of some sort.

You, of course, write very well. Great wording and phrasing as usual. Your casual exposition worked here, mostly due to your keeping it aimed at the scenes between the “episodes.” There were a few times in The Farm where I felt like it pulled the reader from the horror of the scene (and I would reinforce my point with Simply Noir where that same casual exposition worked brilliantly in the comedy genre). I think it works here because it seemed more strategically placed, leaving the horror scenes to do what they are supposed to do -- be unmitigated horror.

I like the sticker. That would definitely send a kid screaming.

I actually like the fact that Spiderman pretty much acts like a toy and never really directly torments the boy. It’s kind of like a security blanket. A constant. The one thing that is never corrupted. But sadly, it is ultimately unable to provide the comfort and stability the boy needs.

One gripe - how dare you put women’s skirts and blouses on wire hangers? -- haha.

I enjoyed it, Bert. The only suggestions I could really make are:

1) the car seat -- probably too old for it. Maybe just buckle him in.

2) the line from the mother about being naughty -- not keen on the word naughty. I know some parents use it but I don’t hear it too often from a parent when angry. Maybe something about misbehaving or being a bad boy.

3) the mother’s final line -- I would really like to see it tie into the story in some way. The story isn’t really about death. It’s more about fear. Gerald doesn’t seem to be struggling with death, but with fear associated with being lost with no direction, nowhere to turn, nowhere to hide, nowhere safe to go. Maybe she can say something that pertains to that end.

Or you could go for the joke and have her say, “Next time, we’re going to K-Mart!” -- hahaha!

Listen, Spider Boy, that's my face when I'm reading Mike Myers' shtuff!  Usually everything else is in the blue.

Oh my goodness. I could picture this flawlessly since I do pretty much all my shopping at "All-Mart". I can see you've received tons of comments, and I really was just reading for fun here.

My only comment was regarding the end. I know this is a horror short and they're supposed to end a certain way, but Mom is supposed to be the security blanket. Mom is not supposed to scare the kid, much less kill him. I also have a thing against killing children in stories. I avoid it like the plague.

Anyway, it would be more fun in my opinion if Mom assures the son he is safe, and then Spiderman takes out mom first. Now his security is gone.

My ramblings. I got a kick out of it anyway. Well done.

Very good, bert.  For a ten page script, it had a lot of information packed into it.  I personally liked the ending.  Very rare to have the kid die for a conclusion and I liked it (does that make me insane?).  I really can't say I have any complaints.

Excellent piece or writing.  

Bert,

Another quick go-around for me.

Based on what you've set up and what you've told us, I think that Gerald should be the one to stray from mom.
Maybe mom is pushing the cart and Gerald is behind her, carrying Spider Man, when... Psss, hey kid, this way.
He's distracted.  He turns down an aisle.  And as he follows the voice (or voices), the dolls turn their heads.
Now Gerald is being lured into a maze.  Down this aisle, around that corner... pretty soon, he's lost. Which way out?    Kids do stray from moms.  

Also, if it's Gerald's fault he gets separated from mom, we can't blame her.  She would never walk away from her son.

Oooh.   A weird thought hit me.  What if we never see Mom's face.  We see her hand, her dress, her shoes, but never her face.  Until the end.  TZ -  The Eye of the Beholder.

Gerald's the freak.

But that's another tale, for another day.

Write on.

Oops.  Forgot something.

If the ending is a QUICK cut to black, I don't want to see mom lunge at Gerald.
Just the turning of her head and seeing her terrifying face is enough to give me chills.
Maybe as she turns, she unbuckles her seat belt.  We know what's coming.

Definitely no lunge for me.

Hey, Brea:  I was wondering if you saw that WIP blurb.  DiDM really was the spark that finally put some wheels on this idea, and your comments now are helpful as well.  The car seat -- check -- I actually know that -- I mean, I got kids -- and I have no idea what that car seat is doing there, quite frankly.  And your K-Mart line offers up a great new angle I had never even considered.

As for the wire hangers -- well, I needed that "rattle" that they give.  But after reading the grammar thread, it is certainly no stretch to imagine Brea marching around proclaiming, "No...wire...HANGERS!!"

That's a joke.  You know that, right?  And as for the rest of you guys -- the kid doesn't die -- we never see that -- and you are all acting like I killed him or something.

We simply learn that his nightmare is on-going -- that perhaps it will never end -- and that even his mother affords no protection.

Those ideas are where I was trying to draw the horror from, and I suppose that isn't coming through in that last scene -- largely because of what she says.  But this thread has given me plenty of options to consider -- which is what it's all about -- so thanks to all for your thoughts.

I like the idea of the mother walking off. True, it sticks out like an honest politician but it serves as a visual cue that something is very wrong in this universe.

This story defies convention, which I think is part of its purpose. I think it’s very interesting that some of the feedback has been to nudge the story back to a more comfortable place. It’s very sweet that reviewers want to comfort the boy in the story. It’s a testament to how effective this script is.

But the reasons for changing those aspects which make the reader uncomfortable are, I feel, the very reasons they should stay.

I do like the idea of the mother being faceless throughout. That’s another good cue that something is a bit off keel. I’m not sure about the cut before or after lunge thing. I see advantages/disadvantages either way. Hmmm…

Quoted from tomson Good to see you Breanne! I missed you!

Tomson, thanks. I haven’t been able to participate as much as I’d like. Shooting starts on a script I wrote this month and I’ve been doing a lot of rewrites. The page count isn’t matching up to the screen time on the test shots and I’ve been having to do a lot of rewrites. I’m trying to squeeze some shorts in until I can hit some features.

Quoted from bert Hey, Brea:  I was wondering if you saw that WIP blurb.  DiDM really was the spark that finally put some wheels on this idea,...

Yeah, I saw it. The narcissistic tendencies inherent of writers forced me to notice -- haha. I’m delighted that my work could inspire another writer. I may disappear into obscurity eventually but, who knows, maybe years from now some great and famous writer may be asked in a public forum who his influences were and may utter the words: “I was inspired by this really odd lady named Breanne Mattson.” -- haha! I would turn over in my grave and say, “D*mn. Now, I get some recognition!”

Quoted from bert As for the wire hangers -- well, I needed that "rattle" that they give.  But after reading the grammar thread, it is certainly no stretch to imagine Brea marching around proclaiming, "No...wire...HANGERS!!"

Hahaha! I’m bitch, ain’t I? I don’t mean to be. -- hehe.

I have to be honest. I rarely get scared when reading something. I opened All-Mart up excepting some dark humor. Having it be only a 5 year old really enhanced the script. Very well done.

I don't have a problem with the ending. I'm fine with it. But if you want to catch one LAST aspect of the whole walmart thing, you could have the mom leave the kid in the car alone to push a shopping cart that's blocking the car and while she's gone have spiderman peer out of the bag. But that's for a far more subtle ending. Everyone is going to have their own way for ending a story. That was yours and I think it works.

I'm not a fan of cliff hanger endings. But for a short it's acceptable. Especially a short with very vivid descriptions. Part of the magic to your script is how you word your descriptions. They are quick and rich.

I like how your leaving the question of whether Gerald is crazy or there's some messed up stuff going on in Walmart. Swithcing to his POV whenever some really scary stuff happens is a great technique to use. Especially when your going to let the audience debate his mental condition.

Again Bert, Great Job.

Another creepy short here, Bert. I like it a lot.

Great descriptive writing as usual. I've noticed recently you're developing a chattier style and I think it works well for this story. You really captured Gerald's terror as he wanders around in search of his mother. You have some great little horror vignettes with the freezer and the clerk and, of course, spiderman.

My one problem with this is that it lacks the killer ending I've come to expect from your shorts. The ending that's unexpected, but makes perfect sense given what has come before ala Salvage, Animal Magnetism, Paramour's. You don't quite pull it off here. I can see what you were going for with the mother turning evil and it could be quite shocking on screen, but I was expecting more of a punch. Something that tied in with the rest of the story. That said, I don't really have any suggestions, but there's definitely potential for a bigger shock here.

All in all it's a solid addition to your collection of horror shorts. Not my favourite, but you creeped me out all the same.

I loved the screenplay like all of your work I've read but I must say the ending is boring. It by itself isn't bad but with the story I was expecting the Spiderman doll to turn and wink at him. I understand why the ending is how it is and I can live with it because you're not writing Childs Play.

It's a quick read, almost over too fast leaving you wishing it was longer. Then the question why isn't it longer and was it all real or a dream inside the mind of a young boy?

Good job Bertrude  

Bert
you are a very good writer and I could visualize everything perfectly but I don't really know if I liked it overal. Don't take my comments the wrong way but it seems that there's too much going on for a short. Maybe this is just my personal opinion but it seems like there's nothing wrapped up and even for a short that shouldn't be the case. We don't know if it was a nightmare kind of thing or if there really is something going on and he's the only one that can see it. And again, it seems the ending violated the rest of your script just for shock value. I didn't really understand how he was looking for his mom for safety at one minute and the next she goes crazy and tries to kill him. Did the boy lose his mind the minute he went into the store and then afterwards it's still continuing?

Anyway, sorry if I'm nitpicking. The script probably wasn't meant for that but it just seems that you did this as kind of a visualize excercise. Your writing is very, very, very good, probably one of the best on her which is why I enjoyed the farm and your western script but this one just didn't have the same impact. There's too much going on for such a short script and at the end I just felt 'wow that was well written but where was the story?" I think it would have been better if we knew that either the kid was either having a nightmare or for some reason he could see these terrible things that no one else could. The open ending doesn't really work on something so short.

So, good job on writing something that was so easy to visualize and did have it's scary moments but in my opinion it either needs expanding or tweaking to have impact on the story side.

-Matt

Quoted from thegardenstate89 Everyone is going to have their own way for ending a story.

Especially this one, apparently.

This one will definitely have to go back on the operating table at some point, but starting with the first comment from TDW2N on down, I now have about 15 alternate endings to work from.  Should be fun trying to mix and match.

Wesley wants one of his trademark winks, Brea's comedic approach is interesting (echoing Andrew's thoughts a bit), and looking back on this, sfpunk's comments regarding density (for lack of a better word) seem well-founded.

The diversity of opinions around here is just great -- a challenge to choose what will be taken on board or left behind -- but also a testament to the depth of creativity to be found on these boards.  Dipping back into this one with so much material to work from should be fun, so thanks to everyone for their thoughts.  

Bert I took an eye at it and, man. Sincerily...One more great piece from you!

Poor Gerald! How many unprotected Geralds around the world are suffering like him right now inside avery toy store, Mcs whrerever, running not from magic toys or silly dolls, but from real bad humans being!

Thanks for checking it out, Helio.

I am considering a few options for this in which things don't turn out quite so dismal for poor Gerald.

Dear Bert I think you wrote a type of subliminal message about how all Geralds were frightened by childhood fantasy. Fear of to be raped or be alone by their parents afraid of the Boogiemen. Neither their fathers nor mothers did anything to help them. These Geralds grew up with these “ghosts” so many became despotic ruling and are out there making war, beaten in woman, blacks and  homosexuals.

You maybe don’t know about what you short script says behind the lines!  

Just read this at breakfast and I must say it was quite enjoyable. (Even if my teeth were hurting because I just got these stupid bands on my braces!!!! Gah!)

It was a really quick read and it left me wanting more. One thing that you did that was sort of like me adding the pointless field to "Room 37" was at the end when Spider-man showed up in the car. All you did was showed it once and then it was never seen after that.

I could be wrong and its a needed thing, but it just seems to be a little pointless.

Overall, not a bad read. Another great horror script from you!

Keep it up,

-Landon/Chris (which ever.)

Thanks for reading a bit deeper, Helio.  There might not be quite as much there as you found (at least, not intentionally), but I did try to inject some deeper themes into this one, with varying degrees of success, I suppose.  I really appreciate your comments in regards to those aspects of the story.

Thanks to you, too, Landon.  To use a term I got from McDuff, the doll is supposed to "bookend" this story.  It is one of the first things we see, and then, one of the last things.  When I revisit this one later there might be a larger role for this doll.

(And sorry to hear about those braces.  Yeah...they suck pretty bad, but you'll be happy later.)

I decided to read this short after glancing over the comments on it.  I was intrigued.

I would love to see a short film made from this script. I didn't find it a horror. Just very odd. From the way I read the script,  I visualised it to be the same loopy style as that movie called Fear and Loathing in Las Vagas.

The little kid standing in front of a freezer door with the smiley picture drawn on the foggy glass was a powerful, vivid image.  The V added, turning the smile into a sneer was the icing on the cake.  

Thanks, tonkatough.  I really appreciate your comments, particularly this one:

Quoted from tonkatough ...the V added, turning the smile into a sneer...

You picked up on my singlemost favorite moment in the story, and nobody has mentioned it yet, I think.  (Past readers should try this on a sheet of paper if you didn't "get" it.) Perhaps reading it doesn't have the same impact as seeing it, but I just know it would look great.

Quoted from tonkatough ...the same loopy style as that movie called Fear and Loathing in Las Vagas.

I love this under-rated little movie.  Heckuva book, too.  Maybe I should add some bats....

Seriously, though -- a few readers have found the potential for comedy in this that I hadn't really considered.  But I am considering that now.

Quoted from bert   Maybe I should add some bats....

No need, we'll see them soon enough.  

Taking a little break from the exercise entries, so I figured I'd check this out since I'm way behind in my reading.

Nice job here, Bert.  I think you definitely accomplished your goal of creating a spooky script that can be done low, low budget.

SPOILERS

My favorite parts were the "sticker" and the smiley face on the cooler, but how about combining the two later on?  Maybe he's sitting in the car after seeing spidey and just before mom lunges, and he is wearing one of those yellow stickers with the "V" drawn on?

I don't know, just a random silly suggestion.  

Nice work.

Thanks for the look, Mike, and yet another alternate ending...

It's weird how virtually every reader wants to end this story in a different way.  I've never gotten that with any of my other stuff, and I just don't know what to make of it.

Either my own ending really, really isn't working --

-- or maybe no ending will ever work -- sheesh, what a horrible thought...

Now I'm all creeped out.  And now there's all these bats.  Thanks alot, Mike....

I found this one very interesting. It reminded me of Final Destination for some reason. I thought that what the kid was seeing could be in his mind, or a dream.

Thank you, ghost, for taking a moment to drop some thoughts on this one.

There could be a couple of things going on with this kid, and the general consensus I think is to lose at least some of the ambiguity.

This one needs a fix, but it's a real challenge deciding what to do.

Still thinking on it.  Thanks again for the look.

I had to read this after all the cameos it had in the one week challenge.

I actually found this to be really funny. His Moms final line was just hilarious.  I think that this could be done either way.  It could be a drak comedy, like a sketch on Mad T.V., or it could be an alright horror short, if you get a good enough director, wide enough aisles, and bright enough lights.

Quoted from Higgonaitor I had to read this after all the cameos it had in the one week challenge.

Really?  How cool.  Which ones?  I know about the "Stone Stupid" one, but would love to read the others.

I've been kinda' slow making my way through that list 'cause I'm sensing a lot of participation by inactive members -- it bugs me when they "play" -- getting tons of reads for no good reason -- but if they mention my store, then it's probably a story by an active member and I would love to check it out.

And you thought it was "hilarious", huh?  Sometimes I wonder about you, Higgs -- but thanks for your somewhat unique take on this story -- and actually, at this point I'm pretty sure a rewrite will incorporate a few more comic elements.

Hey Bert,

I just finished reading this and also SALVAGE last night, and here is my review.

*SPOILERS*

First of all I'd like to say that I share a similarity with this boy. I hate going shopping with my parents - because they are somewhere, and if I look away for one second, by the time I look back - they're already at the other end of the store! And then I recieve the 'silent tense car' ride home.

Anyway, this script was very fun indeed. I enjoyed it - it was sort of a ultra dark comedy, and it works really well in this instance.

The characters are well planned through, and have their own personalitys to them. Even though the little boy doesn't say much, his personality still shines through his character.

All the characters are nicely written. The characters are all different! And when this boy gets lost - I know how he feels - which in my opinion is superb!

The storyline and plot are tense, and well-written. The dialouge is fantastic, but there was just one line that I didn't like. That line was one announced by the Mother at the end "...now I’m gonna have to kill ya’!" It just didn't seem right. I like the sight of her face though.

Anyway, this was great. Everything fits in where it should be. This screenplay is-- in a very good way, absolutely crazy. It was fun.

Now, onto my review of Salvage! Good job with this.

Curse!

Hey, thanks for checking this one out, Curse (and Salvage, too -- I'll just thank you here for both).

Nice to have you back.

And don't feel bad about not liking the very end.  Nobody seems to like the way this ends  

I was so pleased with the end when I wrote it -- I thought it was great -- open to several different interpretations -- but the overwhelming consensus seems to be that a change is in order.

And the reader comments on this one have given me tons to work with -- almost too much, frankly -- it will be a real challenge deciding what to do...  

I've been meaning to review this one for a while.

FORMAT
No problems.

STORY
Original. Taking an old premise (paranoia) and putting it in a new place. All the characters had a distinct voice, and everything I could see in my head.

WRITING
You didn't describe the actual All MArt too much, so I could put it into anythiong - I imagined it as the local supermarket, haha. that's a good thing. You described the "horror" scenes very well. The person hiding in the clothes rack seemed very creepy, and so was the sticker part.

OVERALL
Like I said, original. I liked it. That said, it probably wouldn't work as a feature, but i don't think it was ever intended.

7.5/10

Thanks for digging this one up, Ben -- and for your comments.

The store doesn't need much description, as (most) everybody should know exactly what I am talking about -- and exactly what it looks like.

You are in Austrailia, right?  If Wal-Mart isn't there yet, they will be soon -- so look out!!

You are right that this idea would probably not support a feature -- this was intended to be something that could be shot on the cheap, at a single location.

Thanks again for the look.

Hey,

One twisted, wild eyed few for a child.  

I'm not even going to talk about format. (Which was great.)  Your story made me wonder if the kid was using his imagination. But towards the end I don't think he was.  While he was hiding in the clothes rack, It seemed like the movie it. But when they looked in there was nothing but the spiderman doll.

Weird... Was he using his imagination? or was it real?

Talk to you soon,

Dan

your a sick man Bert.... but this was great. not much to say that hasnt been said... Stephen King meets The Twilight Zone.

5/5

Quoted from Daniel_Robinson Was he using his imagination? or was it real?

Well, hello Dan.  Thanks for taking a look.  As to your question, I wanted this to be the type of story where you could read either of those options into it.

But if pressed -- I think I would have to say the child is insane -- and his life is one terrifying episode after another.  That's my favorite scenario anyway, with the highest creep factor, you know?

Thanks to you, too, S.J.  I make no bones about King's influence -- I grew up on that stuff.  Cheers, guys!

Hey Bert, another one of your abnormal, disturbing, and spotless supernatural scripts that I loved. There's not much to say, because there's nothing wrong with it. The ending is great, leaving the reader a POV on if it was his imagination, or if it was reality.

Formatting doesn't need any criticism, because it's top notch.

A good story, but it was very simplistic. Which is much different than most of your other scripts.

I enjoyed it, and I'm no surprised this thread is on fire, just like all of your other scripts.



-James

A very good script Bert. Well written with a child's eyes. I could perfectly figure out Calvin from "Calvin and Hobbes" comics book, especially at the end in the car with his mum. I don't think we have to dig deep to see some weird explanation. As the others kids, Gerald has a lot of imagination.

I really enjoyed it. Thank you for that excellent piece.


Michel

Thanks Michel (and James -- sorry -- I missed you looking before).  Nice to know that not everybody has a problem with the ending to this one.

And I could very easily see Calvin running through this store (and story) Michel -- that's pretty funny.

But couldn't it just as easily have been Titeuf?  (Did I spell that right?)

The difference between Calvin and Titeuf (you did spell well) must be the age. As Calvin lives in his own world of fantasy, Titeuf has every earthly problem of his age (13 I think) and one of his only goal is to get married with his "girlfriend" later (if someday she wants him) (LOL)

PS: by the way, just let you know I'll be missing for the next three weeks --> holidays

Hey Bert, I had to take a look at this. I love anything weird and weirder and... well, I wasn't disappointed reading this. I learn a lot from these sort of scripts. The way you've described certain things like the lights that sting the eye and the store having it's own horizon is brilliant. There were a few words I didn't understand in the descriptions I must admit. I need to work on my vocabulary a little. Still, very freaky and as others say it has a Stephen King and Twilight Zone-y feel to it, which is great.

So thanks for writing this I guess, I did learn a few things from it that'll help my writing a great deal. A very good read indeed.

GBM

This one had a combination Steven Spielberg and Mad Magazine feel.

I've always liked the scary toys and scary objects idea. You crafted it well, and pulled a surprise that Mom didn't save the day, for sure.

I'd say the short says it all with no need to expand the story. Unless the boy has some kind of mental condition or possession problem to be explored.

Nicely done.

Hey Monette.  I don't know where you get Mad Magazine from, but I'll just assume you had a unique vision going on in your head as you read this.  Glad you liked it, and thank you for your thoughts.

And yes, my personal take on the story is that the kid has problems.  Serious problems.

Interesting that you should bump this now.  Someone from the boards has told me he is going to grab his camera and give this one a go.  I just told 'em they could go for it like, a day or two ago.

We'll be sure to put it up should they succeed.

Bert, I thought this was.... strange....creepy and really good, how he heard the voices and everyone was talking to him in an oddly way, good job, but it was a little too short. but who cares,I liked it

You weren’t kidding about having a look at this one, Kev.  It is interesting how sometimes your assessment of a given work can be longer than the work itself.  And thank you, too, Alien Man, for your thoughts on this one, residing at the opposite extreme, providing an amusing counterpoint.

Actually, Kev, I really appreciate your assessment here.  Without trying to sound overly pretentious, I was at least attempting to explore some deeper themes here -- issues of abandonment and the consumer mentality -- while also taking a few pointed jabs at one corporate entity in particular.  I might not have plumbed Jungian depths within these 10-odd pages, but it is nevertheless appreciated that you did see a little more going on beneath the surface.

How interesting that you should compare this to “Devil in D Minor”.  While that work is admittedly far superior to this one, the nightmare tone of that script provided much of the impetus for this story.  I’ve mentioned that before -- perhaps you saw it -- but I’ll just be happy and pretend that you arrived at that comparison independently.  Please don’t correct me if I’m wrong haha.

I am glad the ending works for you, as open-ended as it might be, though intentionally so.  The point was stripping away the last vestiges of security for this child -- not even his mother can be trusted to protect him from the horrors of the world around him -- trying to put an exclamation point on his utter helplessness.

But your points about justifying this conclusion earlier in the story are well-taken.  Making some of these events actual consequences as opposed to random events is an interesting idea that demands a little more consideration.  And looking over your notes, I can see how this might be accomplished without a great deal of revising.  Good thoughts there.

I still haven’t decided if I agree with you regarding the P.O.V.’s, however.  It is not something I utilize often -- and I do understand the arguments against it -- but here, I thought it was important to clearly differentiate between the world Gerald inhabits and the world he actually experiences.  These P.O.V. shots are used to make a nice, clean break between the two worlds -- which of these worlds is the “real” world is not the point -- be it both worlds, neither world, or something in between.  It’s the split between these worlds that is really important, and the P.O.V. is the tool for that.  But I'll think on it some more.

Anyways, I really appreciate your comments affording me the opportunity to chat about this story in a meaningful fashion, as I really was trying to stretch a little more with this one.  I wonder if anybody besides you will actually slog through these comments?

A rewrite is certainly in order, but down the road, as other projects are currently afforded a higher priority.  But you’ve certainly given me some things to work with, consider, and perhaps to utilize.  As I mentioned previously, I have been told there is a board member working to commit this story to film, and I will certainly want to see how that works out -- the good and the questionable -- before committing to major revisions on this one.

Thanks again, guys, for the reads and the opportunity to comment.

Quoted from Kevan Only naughty boys wander off and naughty boys will be published. So mark my words young man.

Not to detract from Kevan's awesome review, but this typo was too much to pass up. Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong. I'm not naughty enough.

Bert - as always, I *loved* your descriptions.  You have a smooth, lyrical way with words thats always a joy to read.

The atmospheric horror elements worked, making me squirm in my seat.  (My personal nighttmare is dolls...so there were portions of the script which made me cringe.)

I liked it...until the very end when the "horrors" turned out to be real.  For me, that caused the ending to fall flat.  I found myself wondering "why Gerald?"  Yes, I know that boogeymen rarely have cogent motives, and the ending works as a Twilight Zone type piece.  But if there could be some tie-in, or "getting his comeuppance" feeling to the ending, the whole story would gell perfectly - and I'd love it that much more!

Well, Kev -- you found a great deal more than even I had realized might be there.  Perhaps Jung’s collective unconscious was at work as I composed this.  A rewrite might certainly delve a little deeper into this “found mythology”, and I thank you again for some very interesting avenues to explore.  I probably will, in fact.

Quoted from George Willson ...this typo was too much to pass up.

Yeah, I laughed at that, too.  But I couldn’t bring myself to tease Kevan after such an erudite review.

I’m glad somebody did, though.

------------------------------------------------------

Wonkavite, thank you for the surprise read and your positive thoughts.  You are not alone in your disdain for the ending, but this --

Quoted from wonkavite I liked it...until the very end when the "horrors" turned out to be real...

-- is only one possibility.  The interpretation I have finally settled upon as my favorite is that Gerald is insane -- and his young life is composed of one terrifying episode after another.  Even his mother gives no comfort.  That is where I find the most horror, anyways.

But plenty of people feel as if this story needs a little something more.  I’m just gonna be patient and it will eventually come to me, I'm sure.  Thanks again for looking.

Hmm.  Not sure what to make of that read, Bert.  I mean, I was interested while reading it, but I guess I was hoping for a bigger payoff.  Not like a huge twist ending (because I hate twist endings), but something more satisfying than that.  To me, your ending read like you got to that point, didn't know how to end it, and just threw that ending on there.

Great imagery throughout though.  That would definitely be a scary/freaky piece to watch.

Somebody made mention in one of your other threads that you'd be suited more for novels and things like that....have you ever given thought to that?  

Like I said, it kept me interested, but in the end, that wasn't enough.  Also, while I was reading it, I couldn't help but think you were making some statement about Wal Mart itself.  Perhaps you were (with all the smiley face imagery), but if you're telling a horror story like that, it detracts away from it if you overload it with symbolism.  I don't know if that was your intent, I'm just telling you (especially in today's political climate) how it could be read.

That'll be quite enough out of you, Kevan.  Freudian slip, indeed....

Besides, I gotta talk to Matt now.

Quoted from dresseme To me, your ending read like you got to that point, didn't know how to end it, and just threw that ending on there.

No, I knew where I was going.  Doesn't mean it's any good, though haha.  Lots of people think it needs something better.

But I never begin a story without knowing how it will end.  I'm not one of those writers that can do that.  And I've considered novels, but it seems too huge, you know?  Maybe someday.  Scripts are just my favorite way to tell a story.

Quoted from dresseme ...I couldn't help but think you were making some statement about Wal Mart itself...with all the smiley face imagery...

Dude, I so was.  Kind of like, "So, what's really behind that smile, anyway?"  I think you might be the first to comment on it.  But maybe it does overload the story.  I'll think about that.

Thank you for taking the time to look and to speak your mind.

I was searching through the shorts section and saw this, read the premise, and thought it looked good. Fortunately, I was right.

This is a very creepy and entertaining piece of horror writing. Your format is good. In fact, my only complaint is that while it is entertaining and keeps you wondering "what the heck is going on" throughout the whole thing, the story seems to have no point.

There is no problem the character must overcome. No explanation given as to why the boy is crazy. As I said, there is no problem he has to overcome and no goal he is trying to achieve, so there is really no resolve to the story.

Anyway, apart from that, it's a creepy read and very entertaining.

Welcome to the boards, M.W.  Thanks for taking a look at my story, particularly being the first one you looked at.  You’ll find plenty of good reads around here if you look in the right places.

While I would disagree about the child’s goal -- which is to reunite with his mother and escape the store -- even though that doesn’t turn out so well -- I will have to concede your point that the resolution is not sufficient here for the majority of readers.

It’s probably the fundamental weakness of this story, this “lack of a point” haha.

Kevan raised some good points about fairy tale mythology a few posts back, and that is a missed opportunity I will likely exploit when I come back to this one -- once I have figured out what I really want it to say, you know?

I appreciate your looking and speaking your mind --- and welcome aboard.

I swear, usually I hate reading through descriptions, but you're one of the very few people who I actually enjoy reading their description.

anyways, this was a pretty cool short Bert. the only real problem with it is knowing if these things were supposed to be really happening or if they were all in his mind. But I assume you meant for it to be like that.

I think though you could make the motivations a little more apparent by setting something up in the beginning. I think Gerald should be lagging behind constantly or gettin ginto mischief and getting on his mother's nerves before he finds the spider man doll. I think we should get a little time with the mother before she disappears, cuz all the trippy stuff seemed to just start from out of nowhere.

But all in all, really good, weird, creepy stuff.

Quoted from Steve-Dave But I assume you meant for it to be like that.

Yeah, it was.

Thank you, Sry.  I really appreciate your compliments, and know they don’t come easy haha.

So you think there should be more of Mom, huh?  The earliest drafts of this actually had less.

You never saw more than her flowered skirt (until the very end), and that was all you had to recognize her by.  She was as anonymous as I could make her, but that device became unwieldy and I just kind of abandoned it.

I’ll think about that, as this story definitely has another draft in its future.  Thanks for adding to the idea mill, Sry.

Hello Bert!!

I really fancied a good read and I was very happy to find a top-quality piece by you, again.

I absolutely love the concept of "I can see this, but nobody else can" horror. I suppose it tapped into my love of Stephen King's "IT" - If only the adults could see what the kids saw...!! FAB.

Your story really plays with the reader's mind and it's this element that particularly appeals to me. I haven't read through all the replies here, as to be perfectly honest with you your work is always spot on in layout and grammar. What's more important is your story.

Excellent use of imagery here. You really nailed the descriptions to the point of making me get spooked out and I'm reading this whilst it's still daylight. The kid was very cute, bless the little freaked out 5 year old!! So young, so cruel, I love it!

As for All-Mart, I like how you made it evil, hahaha. I couldn't agree with you more, those big stores are. I think you successfully captured Gerald's point of view. I felt like I was the kid when reading it.

Excellent build up of tension and a quick pace too. Really, there's nothing to fault here or to draw attention to. This is one I wouldn't mind seeing a feature-length made for. I can almost imagine all kids, possibly all naughty kids having to suffer through the experience Gerald had, albeit it slightly different kid to kid. But, there being a deeper meaning behind or an obscure connection between them.

Anywho, now you have my mind racing with ideas, so mission accomplished.

Andy xxx

PS - EDIT - OK, so I read over the previous comments after I made mine. It seems some had gripes with your ending. I liked it as it is, but seeing as how you already have 15+ other suggestions, I tried to think up something that would have "shocked" me more or made me even more scared/spooked. I'll come back and add this in a sec. I just need a few minutes to get it straight in my head, lol!!

Ok, here's what I'm thinking would freak ME out more. And this isn't at all what I think others would like, and I don't think you need to change your ending. But, if you'd like to know my take, here it is -

Whilst Gerald and mum head back to the car, another car pulls up next to theirs. Gerald looks in and can hear another kid, roughly his age screaming and crying. Possibly you hear the kid shouting to it's mum/dad that it doesn't want to go into the store.

Then, Gerald looks over to two other small kids being forced into All-mart with an adult. They also look terrified, glancing over at Gerald, he is even more frightened, as it begins to dawn on him that something isn't right... I guess, what I'm trying to get at, is that the angle I'd put on this script, is that Gerald isn't crazy, but that the adults can't/don't see the terror the kids face whenever they go to the store. Could the real trick to the story be the "good message" that lies within? For the kids: Stay in the cart with mummy and be safe, or run wild and face the real terror.. Children should be heard and NOT seen... bwahahahahahaha....(damn, that sounded good, **steals it for future use** haha.

Ok, that's cheesy as hell, but maybe Gerald could see a petrified youngster sitting in the cart, very orderly, head down, parent happy... instead of the innocent, noisy kids about to enter the evil store, running wild, parent's defeated already.... when he goes back into the car, mum could turn around and say that cheeseball tagline I just came up with...??

Yeah, now mine sounds very lame! Ignore my idea!! I loved yours!!

Hey Andy!  What a pleasant surprise to find my creaky old story dredged up from the depths.  And nowadays, as you can find a McDonald's in every store, there might even be a place for an "IT" style creepy-ass clown in this story, you think?

But I am particularly drawn to your take on this story's conclusion:

Quoted from Andy Petrou Ok, that's cheesy as hell, but maybe Gerald could see a petrified youngster sitting in the cart, very orderly, head down, parent happy... instead of the innocent, noisy kids about to enter the evil store, running wild, parent's defeated already.... Yeah, now mine sounds very lame! Ignore my idea!!

Bite your tongue, you marvelous Goonie!  I think your idea is brilliant!

What a marvelous hook to hang this story on.  It's exactly what it needs.

Happy children enter the store, but emerge as something else.  Gerald's terrified eyes meeting the wide, innocent eyes of another child on his way in.  Conformity.  Abuse of power.  There is so much there to play with, and all of it carries something deeper.

The details will need to be worked out, sure, but the foundation is certainly there.

Your idea is the best of anyone's, Andy    Flat out.  And I fully intend to use **coughcoughstealcough** it when I come back to fix this one up.

I'm not lying.  Thank you.

And it’s so nice to have you back, btw -- even if you do insist on maintaining the busiest signature in cyberspace.

Really? You liked it? Wow!! I feel like I won a prize or something!! haha  

Well, that tagline is rather funny/sick, I must admit. Something's clearly wrong with me...!! Well, if/when you come back to this, please let me know in case I miss it. I'd love to see any re-write of it!! You're one of my favourite writers and I'm glad I was finally able to offer something useful in one of my reviews.

Thanks, Bert  

PS - That is me with Gizmo in the avatar, kinda creepy, ain't I?!! LOL!

Hey,
I was poking through some of the boards and came across this one. Thought the coolest part by far was the smiley face turning into a frown on the foggy door. a lot of the story reminded me of The Shining in a modern setting.
I read the previous post and would agree that possible ending could work really well. Overall a good creepy read with a unique setting.

Thank you, n7, for your comments.

Quoted from n7 ...the coolest part by far was the smiley face turning into a frown on the foggy door.

That's my favorite part, too.  I actually thought of it before I found that little picture I put up on the first post -- but I was happy when it looked just like I'd hoped it would.

Quoted from n7 I read the previous post and would agree that possible ending could work really well.

I think so, too.  That Andy is a smart cookie.  But what is she saying in that avatar?

It looks like "boing....boing...boing...", but it's probably something else.



[Edit:  Hey!  75 posts!  Whee....]

Hey Bert,

I thought I had reviewed this one, I guess I didn't. i'vr read it before and re-read it again to get my memory refreshed. This is in so many ways like Pennywise the clown from King's It set in a new b.g. I loved it. Only a few problems:

Why not have the child speak earlier? Why wait to near the end? You should have the child cry out mom when he sees her far away. It'll inflict that horror better.

The mother's last line in the car should be changed. Rather than kill ya, it should be eat ya. Its more chilling.    


Hope these help,
Gabe

Hey, Gabe.  I was distracted by the "harsh review" thread I set up earlier and this slipped right under my radar.  Sorry for not acknowledging you earlier, but I thank you now for your thoughts on this.

Thanks for tossing S. King into the mix.  It always pleases me when he pops up on my threads, as I consider him grand company to keep.

I will think about more dialogue for the kid, but he is supposed to be pretty young, and sometimes it is difficult to coax too much out of them.  Something to think about, though.

As for the ending, when I come back to this someday, I am going with the fairy-tale angle provided by Kevan (RIP haha), and the ending I got from Andy.  You can find 'em both on the thread here if you are curious.  It should mix things up with this piece pretty well.

Thanks again.  I appreciate your looking.  

Hey Bert,

Let me guess - you're a Stephen King fan, right? Well, this certainly has IT elements (my fav SK book). I could easily imagine Pennywise lurking behind the clothes rack.

I thought this was very well written and the pacing was perfect. I like the short sentences you use - it makes it such a quick read. The way you described the transformation of the various things and persons worked really well. It had a certain natural fluidity to it.

But I didn't feel Gerald's fear until late in the show. Imo. you didn't really manage to convey his fear while he was running around from the old woman to the clerk. You focused a little too much on the transformations I think.

The end...hmm Idunno. I never saw it coming (which is not always a good thing). It kinda came out of the blue in my book. I thought that the Mart was the evil place, but now it turns out the evil is all around him. I don't mind that it didn't have a classic happy ending - cos' they kinda suck - but this ending was a bit of a letdown to me.

I think it could be a cruel twist if, when they get to the car, you have the mom look in the rearview mirror and she sees an evil version of Gerald. Maybe it's Gerald who's the evil one - maybe it runs in the family...well, just a suggestion.

Anyways - the ending aside - very good work.

Cheers
Rob

Quoted from Sniper Let me guess - you're a Stephen King fan, right?

Guilty as charged.  I love the guy -- as a writer and a person.  I predict that in 100 years people will be reading his stuff the same way they do Twain.

Quoted from Sniper …but this ending was a bit of a letdown to me.

You have no idea how many people hated this ending.  If you are, like, really bored, you can read through this thread and find maybe 15 alternate endings.  Almost every reader had one!

I really struggled with that aspect of this story -- there were almost too many ideas to wade through.

But I eventually settled on the one proposed by our dear Ms. Petrou:

Quoted from Andy Ok, that's cheesy as hell, but maybe Gerald could see a petrified youngster sitting in the cart, very orderly, head down, parent happy... instead of the innocent, noisy kids about to enter the evil store, running wild, parent's defeated already.... Yeah, now mine sounds very lame! Ignore my idea!!

So, yeah -- this one is also going under the knife at some point.  I really like the “going in and coming out” kind of thing -- very Pink Floyd the way I envision it.

But I am such a lazy bastard haha.  I’ll get to it.

Thanks again, Sniper, for the looks.  They are most appreciated.

Quoted from bert I predict that in 100 years people will be reading his stuff the same way they do Twain.

I hope so, SK has written some of the most memorable stories I've ever read. It's funny though, when people ask me what I read and I say Stephen King, most people go "Oh...", like it's not interlectual enough.

But I think most people who haven't read a Stephen King book just think it's all horror and gore. True, some of them are quite scary, but, to me, the horror elements always take a back seat to his portray of the characters in his books. Anyway, I'm rambling...

Andy's ending actually sounds pretty cool and I think it would tie in better with the rest of the story.

Rob

I enjoyed this quite a bit actually. I read the script started typing my comments before reading anyone else's feedback, so good to see I was right in thinking it was in not King inspired, then King influenced.

The visual ideas worked best of all, some of the individual stingers: the smiley face, the flash of the warthog woman, and the best of all , the idea of all the doll heads turning to look at the kid. That's the one image that lingers. That and the line "all the best toys are in here". That was genuinely creepy, a nice bit.

It can work on different levels, as a quick tongue in cheek horror, or as something more satirical with a bit of commentary. If people don't get or care for the commentary, they can still enjoy for the surface thrills.

My only issue, and it's not a huge one, is the ending. It's funny that poor Gerald escapes from one hell only to end up in an infinitely worse one ( poor kid never had a chance) , but it might work just as well - or better - to end on a creepier note, although I have no suggestions to what that might be. A few have been suggested above I see and may work. But it may work just as well to go back and build up the frustration of the mother a bit more, more of the simmering parent we do see in those stores, so when she turns to eat the poor kid, we see she's reached her breaking point.

But,kudos overall on a good read. Nice writing , short , punchy descriptions; a good idea well executed.

Hey Bert

This was really good, pleased I got a chance to read it. Gotta wonder what you were smoking when you came up with it though? haha

That poor kid. I couldn't help but laugh at the end though. In a good way though I think, just really wasn't expecting it and was feeling the same relief the kid felt that he had gotten out of it. Then what happens? That's just nasty man.

Top imaginative stuff fella

Ste

I really liked this script a lot. I just needed some closure. Why was the kid seeing these things. Side effects from medicine, dreaming, what was going on to cause this?

Hey, several looks here.  Thanks for reading, guys.

Quoted from mikep ...King influenced.

Yeah, I get that a lot.  But then, I don't deny it, either.  You could do worse.

Quoted from mikep It can work on different levels, as a quick tongue in cheek horror, or as something more satirical with a bit of commentary.

I am always glad when people see this one in that light.  I am still not sure how well I succeeded, but yes, it is supposed to be there, anyway.

Quoted from mikep My only issue...is the ending.

Haha...join the club.  The new alternate ending is buried somewhere in this thread.  And this story will see it one of these days when I feel so inclined.

Quoted from stebrown I couldn't help but laugh at the end though.

Well, that is not necessarily an inappropriate response.  A lot of times I find the dark stuff pretty funny, too.

Quoted from Pants I just needed some closure. Why was the kid seeing these things?

Not being a big fan of the ambiguous ending myself, I am still not completely sure why I wrote one.  Could be lots of things going on here, Pants, but my favorite explanation is that the kid is completely insane -- and he spends his entire life moving from one horrifying episode to the next.  That is actually kind of scary if you think about it.


Thanks again, guys.  I appreciate your thoughts on this one.