Quoted from dogglebe One thing that really bothered me was the opening montage (I forgot to mention this earlier).  The images that you show us are fast going and active, almost extreme.  And you're going to have a slow moving song like 'Unforgettable' playing in the background?  It didn't match up, or work, for me. Phil

I respect your opinion, Phil, but I also respect mine.

In this case...

I love the "waves of the canoe", the  "parachutes gliding", the "those bubbles bursting upwards...

...and all of them kinds of fast action scenes juxtaposed under the sound of "Unforgettable".

Truly, as a woman, I am having an emotional orgasm right now.

And I think that's what many of us dream about every day of our waking lives.

God bless the man that can do this.

Sandra

Hey Sandra, good to see you’re back on the boards.  Thank so much for the read and feedback.

Glad it was a good read for you and you enjoyed the hook and settings.

I’ll try and address your concerns by letting you in on what I was trying to accomplish here.  You are not alone in wanting more from Julie, but I made a conscious decision to keep her pretty much out of the story (she literally doesn’t show up for a single split second in the current timeline story).  She’s all in the past, merely a faded memory.  This is Jack’s story.  Mitch also doesn’t show up for a single second in the present timeline.  Now, his ghost does, but that’s a major twist/reveal that much of the success of the script hangs on.  This is why Addinton and Glenville’s characters and stories are played up so heavily (or at least, as heavily as they are played up).

As usual, I’ve avoided a standard structure and storyline.  Although the basic plot and story is very, very simple, it’s twisted around so that it’s really no longer simple.  The bulk of the story is told through Flashbacks…things that occurred in the past, as well as things that occurred earlier in the week on Barbados.

Every Flashback is written from Jack’s POV, as they’re all Jack’s memories.  Therefore, we really can’t “see” any actual emotions or feelings from any other characters, and since Julie and Mitch only appear in Flashbacks, well, that’s probably why they feel like props or less than developed characters.  Again, it was a conscious decision to write this from a different perspective and stick to it vehemently.

I wasn’t really after my audience feeling sympathy for Julie, as we really don’t learn that much about her.  Things are assumed based on various events.  Many have said that Julie is an unlikable character.  In my rewrite, I have actually given her a little more life and likability through the addition of a few Flashbacks (yes, more Flashbacks!) of her and Jack in happier times.  Sympathy and concern should be with Jack for sure…and Addinton and Glenville to a certain degree (that’s why they each have side stories playing out in the present timeline and are much more than cardboard cutouts of cops…they’re real people with real lives that are playing out around them.

“Of course, my whole opinion of Jack changed in the end. He became this violent killer and I felt this was too far to go with him. I just didn't see it happening the way it did.
He went from an innocent victim of fate to an unforgiving soul that killed his wife, his best friend and even the police officer that was good to him.” – Interesting you should say this, Sandra.  Others seem to feel the same way, and I don’t quite get it.  I see Jack very differently.  Maybe I didn’t get it across well enough (there are a few changes in the rewrite, which try to show Jack as a better person in the end).

Here’s the deal with Jack on paper (but maybe it didn’t actually make it to the paper!)…Jack isn’t a bad guy at all.  He used to be a good guy, but again, that all depends on your perspective.

Here’s an example of what I’m trying to say.  Let’s look at Tiger Woods for a moment.  Up until late 2009, Tiger was the epitome of perfection.  He was loved by literally everyone…young/old, male/female, black/white, straight/gay, everyone.  He was perfect in just about every way.  Good looking, well spoken, amazing athlete, beautiful wife and family, you name it, he had it going for him.  But then, news broke that everything we knew about him wasn’t reality.  He cheated on his wife with hundreds of girls, many of them being prostitutes.  His world crumbled, his sponsors left, people turned against him.

He was still the exact same person he was all along, but all of a sudden, his personal life was made public, and because of that, many people literally hated him and totally reversed what they thought of him only a day earlier.

Point is that we all have skeletons in our closet. No one is perfect. We’re all flawed to a certain extent, but we hide those flaws so that only the people closest to us know who we really are.  I wrote Jack as a flawed character. I came right out and showed him doing many things that many people feel strongly about…drugs, heavy drinking, cheating, etc.  Because of that, many people say he’s an unlikable, ugly, self gratifying asshole.  If so, he’s not alone, though.  People may not realize it, or even want to believe it, but we can all be pigs in the “right” situation.  Vegas brings out the best and worst in people…it all depends how you look at it.  It’s not always the men, either.  It’s shocking to me how many happily married, “perfect” wives/mothers do things in Vegas that would instantly cause a divorce if their husbands only knew.  But they don’t know…and that’s a good thing.  Same deal with Jack and his issues.

Now, Jack did go through major issues in his life when his son was killed.  He fell into deep depression, heavy drinking and drug use, self blame, self doubt…you name it, he went through it.  Julie didn’t handle it perfectly, either.  As Jack pushed her away through his unacceptable behavior, she fell into the arms of her ex-lover, Mitch.  Mitch didn’t handle it properly either.  He was/is Jack’s best friend, as well as good friends with Julie.  The spark was always there with them, as they were a couple back in college, when Jack, Mitch, and Julie were all friends, and he succumbed to the Jules’ charms, and vice versa once again.  All heavily flawed, but “real”
characters.

One more thing that’s important.  In the end, Jack lost it completely…and I’m talking about his sanity.  You can call him a cold blooded, heartless killer, but that’s not really accurate.  He was highly intoxicated.  He was heavily under the influence of drugs.  He was attacked and almost killed in the cave earlier that same day, then overcame his adversaries and saved himself and Julie.  And, it all culminated when he came upon Mitch and Julie together in the gully.  He went nuts with rage, anger, jealousy, and in an alcohol and drug fueled moment, he lashed out at Mitch.  Keep in mind that Jack initially didn’t kill Mitch or Julie…he hit Mitch with the golf club several times, and Mitch fell over the cliff.  Julie slipped on her own and fell to her death (in the rewrite, it’s much more apparent that Jack seriously tried with all his might to save her, but she slipped away and fell).  When Jack got to the forest floor and found Mitch still alive, he was completely insane, not at all himself.  He did kill his best friend in very cold blood, but it was the culmination of everything that lead up to it that caused him to go off the deep end.  When we get to the finale in present time, and Jack finds out exactly what he did, again, he’s completely insane…and completely high on cocaine and drunk as a skunk on vodka.  He attempts to kill Addinton, but in the end Addinton survives.  Hope that makes sense and helps a bit.

Responses to your notes:

Lena is Corbin’s wife, actually.  I cut down some early dialogue that makes this clear.  Later, when Corbin talks with Addinton, he mentions that his wife (Lena) visited Mrs. Harewood at the hospital earlier.  It’s a small island and these people are all friends.

For this script, cell phones are allowed in hospitals in Barbados.  Ha Ha!!

Mitch was lying about Jack’s Dad calling him.  Mr. Benton was in London on business, as Addinton found out later and told Glenville.

The majority of Bajans are very polite and proper people, being from an English background.  I made sure to try and use both Addinton’s first and last name a few times early on so the audience would be aware of his name in a filmed version.

The stuff about “Nurse Margaret” is simply to keep it at 2 characters in the hospital.

“Why wouldn’t Mitch come to the hospital?” – He couldn’t, as he’s a ghost.  Many didn’t like how Jack left and met Mitch at the beach, but Mitch can’t interact with any characters other then Jack.  The other problem was if Mitch did indeed go to the hospital, how would the two of them get out and get somewhere where they could be alone?  A cab wouldn’t work, as Jack would appear insane talking to someone who wasn’t there in front of a cabbie.  After much thought, I chose this route.  When Addinto talks to Dr. Sandiford later about Jack being gone, Sandiford says that he wasn’t being held, and there really is no reason why he would be at first anyway.

You’re right, Addinton does say that more than once.  I’ll take out any additional times he says it.  I’ve actually been meaning to, so thanks for reminding me!

I always love suggestions and ideas, Sandra, but this is my story and this is the way I want to tell it.  Your suggestions involve a completely different story, structure, and setup, and would entail a complete rewrite, which I’m not interested in even considering.  The rewrite is pretty much done already and is the same thing as you’ve read with a few corrections, a few extra Flashbacks, and better detail in the finale that Jack really did try and save his wife.

Again, Sandra, thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment here.  Your thoughts are always welcome with me.  Take care.

PS - Love the line about your "emotional orgasm"!  Wish I cold give these out all the time!  Love ya, Sandra!

Hey Sandra, one more thing I wanted to add.

You're definitely correct about the location being a major character here...and in all my serious scripts.

I feel that successful movies that I enjoy have interesting, unique locations/settings/set pieces.  It's a visual thing for me...I enjoy strong visuals in movies.  They add to the reality.  The heighten the read and watch.  They're memorable.

I always write with this in mind.  Sure, any story can take place anywhere, really...but anywhere doesn't always cut it in my book.

Some of my favorite horror movies play up the location to the point where it becomes a main character and adds to the enjoyment of the whole piece.  Hostel's unique location made it what it is.  Same thing for Wolf Creek.  In describing these movies, it always includes the location.  Same thing I try to do with my scripts.

Take care.

No way in the sam fuck filled in china cups am I about to read back through this section of replies, suggestion, implications and brain shitting to see if I'm touching on or treading on familiar ground.

I have to say, at this point and time, you have got to be the most read writer here on Simplyscripts.  That will have to pay off for you soon.

While off the boards, one of my many stints, I did actually get to read a draft of this -- While away I always tend to, if I'm not banned completely, pop in and check out what a few of the mainstay writers are up to.  This one was no exception.

This draft seems more cohesive and tight -- The formatting is one complaint I've got, though.  Not that it's bad, it just lacks space.  I wish you'd space in between your scenes.  But more importantly your montages/flashbacks -- These need crucial air to breath because sometimes a reader will just feel overwhelmed and trudge down the page hoping to see white and miss the fact a scene isn't even taking place when they think it is.  They then got lost and, depending on your writing clarity, end up confused by your overall cleverness.

I'm going to do 10 points here and then add up the plus' and negatives and see where your scripts comes out.

(-)  1.  There is no space for your script to breath at all.  Ever.  It's overwhelming to flip a page sometimes.  Hell, the script is only 104 pages, with title page included, yet it seemed like a daunting task to read much of it due to this very problematic problem.  I know it sounds strange.  I know you're saying, but spacing out the scenes would result in a longer script, Balt.  It would... But it wouldn't be much more than 2 pages tops, and it wouldn't be as dreadful to read.

(+)  2. Very vivid and imaginative locations and descriptions make me feel alive in the world you've created.

(-)  3.  Somewhat careless and clunky way of handling certain transitions, flashbacks and monologues.  Again, space is important, but here you almost could have gotten around an imposed title for nearly every time you did have one.  "Smash to black" was also not needed.

It is perfectly acceptable to write a scene like such


EXT.  CORBIN'S CAR RENTAL - MORNING (BARBADOS, WEST INDIES)


This saves a clunky mess of junky inserts and cleans up everything nice and tight.  It gives the director a suggestion of title cues and overlays opposed to etching it in stone too.  I learned this at during my Stratford courses.

(+) 4. You wrote two leads who I pretty much didn't stand from the get go and you gave me validation all the way through and kept a steady beat.  These characters are who they are.  I am who I am.  You are who you are.  As much as the industry loves to show a personal journey form out of control to reformed on screen, that doesn't happen in reality.  I will always be a prick with a lot of compassion.  That won't change.  I don't care what event comes my way...  I think you captured your characters, who they were, and you ran with it.  Good on you.

(+)  5.  Dialogue was, for the most part, very coheisve.   It kept the scenes together, advanced the story and lent validity to the characters.  There were times when it got wordy or preachy or maybe a bit forced, but you managed to wrangle it all in at seemingly just the right time; right before I started to roll my eyes and start scrolling for the highs.  I think the worst of the worst came with Woodie's phone exchange... It was pretty un-natural.  

"Jack, It's your friend, Woodie"

Don't think so.  He'd know.

Another instance that was dreadful

"Jack, you don't look right.  Been drinking?  Doing lines?"

Agian, I don't think so... Given the circumstances.

(-)  6.  Almost no urgency happens in this script.  Well, not for me it didn't.  I never really got that "It could all blow up and backfire on Jack or Mitch and ultimately Julie."  They never seemed to be in any harm they didn't create or cause themselves.   You had some good foot work going with the Glenvill in the offset that seemed to peter off.  You had a handful of scenes towards page 75 to 90 that stood out -- But it was so sparse at times.

(+) 7.  You cleverly bridged the Mitch ghosting in with a touch of reality.  To me, and I'm taking a stab here, really reminded me of "American Werewolf in London" to a degree... Only one was in ones mind and the other not so much.  

(+)  8.  The reveal towards the end is really bridged well.  I did almost get a chill and loved how overall clever it was.  Might've been done a couple times here and there, but it was done pretty damn flawless here.  Still can't say I liked any of your characters, though.

(-)  9.  So many characters in this one.  I have a ton in Coffin Canyon and nearly 30 in my comedy "YearBook Daze", so I know a thing or two about character development and placement... The thing is there is always going to be that rough ride to weed through the bit players to get to the scene chewers.  I feel you did a nice juggling act for most of it, but were lead away from some of your arcs in favor for exposition.

(+)  10.  7 weeks is what this took... That's saying something because I've seen much worse on tv.  In fact, flip through Netflix current reccomendations and this one easily beats the lifeless corpse of its infastructure with a shitty sock.

6 out of 10

End ressult -- It's the kind of movie you'd see drifting around on a netflix or an on demand and say, why not?  I would.  It's got some polish on it and it's got a story servicible enough to contend with pretty much anything out there right now.  I did kind of get the feeling this one and "Fade To White" were very similar in design, though.  They both follow a certain structure in character and progression .

Quoted from Baltis. (+) 4. You wrote two leads who I pretty much didn't stand from the get go and you gave me validation all the way through and kept a steady beat.  These characters are who they are.  I am who I am.  You are who you are.  As much as the industry loves to show a personal journey form out of control to reformed on screen, that doesn't happen in reality.  I will always be a prick with a lot of compassion.  That won't change.  I don't care what event comes my way...  I think you captured your characters, who they were, and you ran with it.  Good on you.

I do agree with this. Although, if my input were taken into consideration, it would be as above (the shit that I know, Balt, is too much shit to go into) but I would do it differently. This is not to say that I feel this is wrong; I only offer my contribution to the side of a "potential spin on the story".

Truly though, this is one of the most solidly constructed scripts I've read in awhile. I try and read consistently, but I'm not a "whiz  reader". I think I'm more of a "proofer" in that regard because I tend to mull over word construction a lot at time. Then too, sometimes I get into "skim mode", but neither are effective if left on their own.

All in all, I think that if you take the fact that I'm a very critical reader and it takes a lot to draw me into suspension of disbelief, the fact that I can truly and undoubtedly say that Jeff's script, "Unforgettable" has done just that for me, it means that he has not only created the magic of the craft, but he's perfected it.

I recommend this script as a read and I recommend this script as a movie. I can honestly say that, yes, I would go see this and that's something because as some people might have gleaned here: I'm not an obsessive "movie goer". I'm very critical of the time I spend in front of a "passive screen" and thus:

If you can draw me in and keep my attention AND get a good review, then...

You must have done something right.

And Jeff, I honestly know that you have.

God bless,

Sandra

Just finished reading this. I have not read any other comments, as there are many pages of them. I suspect a lot of people did not care for the ending, but I must say I actually liked it. There is a sentimental darkness to it that you don't usually find, and the change is refreshing.

When reading it, it took me a while to get into a rhythm because of the flashbacks, but that, I suppose, is the nature of flashbacks, which are experienced much more smoothly in a film than in the read. But I eventually got used to it, and the story picked up pace later as well.

The writer is experienced, so no need to comment on the descriptions or dialogues. They worked out well.

I will just discuss from my notes on the story itself, and no doubt I am probably repeating what others have pointed out.

First, it seems to me that as soon as Jack showed up beat up and reported his wife missing, the police would have called all of the hotels. It would have been easy to find where they were staying, and the cops would have checked right away. I don't think this impacts the story much, accept that if others watching the film think the same, they might be annoyed.

Second, the Vegas flashback. I have to be honest. This one actually made me stop reading for a couple days. I am glad I came back to the story, but I have problems with this scene. In a story that is mostly flashback, not sure if this one was needed. Also, not sure if the scene itself makes sense. The girls give the guys sex, then have their friends come over, unarmed, to...rob them? Or just forcefully join the party? Or they were prostitutes that had their pimps come in...unarmed...after they partied with the guys a while? I don't know, just didn't seem likely to me. Also, Jack and Mitch are professional guys with good careers; I doubt they would react by robbing the thugs. They would call security and probably get a few more free nights or free chips.

Third, the cave scene was an extremely long flashback. Not sure if that is an issue or not. I guess not. But I would be careful about having black guys saying "My boys like white girls like you." Also the "hung like a fuckin horse...rip the little pussy up." I am not politically correct, and fully understand these are just meant to be bad guys, but certainly most people that make movies are pretty PC. The same effect could be created here with more subtle language. Also in the cave, I think the guys would have robbed Jack before they dealt with raping Julie, at least Morris would have moved right away on that.

When I was reading the cave scene, I was wondering if it was all a set up by Woodie, created for Jack and with Jack to impress Julie. But that didn't make sense, so I was really trying to figure out what Woodie was going to do. I never did figure it out, other than just following them. I probably am missing something that I should be getting.

I figured out ahead of time that Mitch was dead. Some nice clues were dropped. What I was left wondering was this: was Mitch a ghost, or a figment of Jack's imagination created by his conscience in order to lead Jack to the bodies, and in order to remember what happened consciously? Not sure if there is an answer to that question, and it might be better if there is not, if it was left to the viewer to wonder.

Glad I came back and finished the story. Enjoyed it more as it progressed. I think most stories start out good then lose steam. This one picked up second half. I think the Vegas flashback was my only real problem. I am not sure what the purpose of it was, except to maybe establish more suspicion about the character of Mitch. I think there could be alternative ways to do that, or maybe even a reformulation of the Vegas scene would work.

Ok, that was my 2 cents. My field of expertise is making drinks, so helped the best I could! Cheers.

Hey Balt, thanks so much for reading and the feedback.  Totally appreciated.  Not only do I respect your opinion, I come right out and ask you for it.  Thanks, brother.

Sorry for the delay..finally moved in to my new place in Phoenix.  Still a shitload to unload and find a home for.  Feels great to be abck though.

I don’t know about the “most read writer” here, but I appreciate the sediment.  Wish it could pay off…I mean wish it Will pay off soon!  Ha…


I will be correctly spacing the Slugs on my next and last rewrite.  I hear ya, man, I really do.  I do tend to try and pack in literally as much as I can, and I plead guilty on the charge.

Glad you liked the locals and descriptions.  Makes me feel good, cause I definitely shoot for that.

Not sure if you’re talking about SUPERS or Slugs here.  I don’t think I used too many SUPERS, but I do go for very detailed, exact Slugs.  When I use a SUPER, IMO, it’s something that needs to be conveyed right away to both readers, and more importantly, viewers.  Can’t help myself…

Yeah, you’re not alone in not liking my leads.  That surprises me, but I do understand.  As you say, they are who they are and I’m glad you get that and appreciate it.  Thanks.

Cool…glad the dialogue worked for you.  I do tend to spend a lot of time with early rewrites on dialogue until I’m happy with it.  Just to reply to the 2 examples you didn’t like…

1)     I see it as Woodie showing his darker side…maybe a wrylie would actually help in this instance.  I don’t know…
2)     Funny you don’t like that line…I actually really like it.  I don’t know…under the circumstances, I like it…remember, in that Flashback, Mitch hadn’t seen or spoken to Jack on the island.  First meeting face to face on the trip.



Not sure exactly what you mean with the lack of urgency, unless you’re talking about the fact that Jack didn’t seem to really attempt to do too much to figure out what happened and where Jules was.  Remember though that the present day story line only took place over 1 day…less, actually.

Mitch was a ghost, and no, I wasn’t thinking of American Werewolf in London.  Glad you liked how it was all tied together in the end.

I don’t know, are there really a lot of characters?  I don’t think so.  We’ve got Jack and Mitch as our leads, and Addinton and Glenville as our 2ndery characters.  I do name everyone and I do like a big cast so more peeps can get killed, show nice cans, or just plain old cause deception and add to the possibilities.  I really never thought about there being lot of characters, but now that you mention it, there are a good number.

Cool, yeah, 7 weeks…I was really happy with it, actually.

I’ll take any positives out of 10 any day of the week, and 6 is cool with me.  Thanks.  Glad you liked it overall.  It does share some common structure with Fade.  Wait till you get a load of my new script!

Thanks again, Balt.  Anytime you want some feedback, let me know.  Take care, man!

Sandra, my dear Sandra…thank you so much for all the kind and positive words!  It really makes me feel good when something I write moves someone.

You know how critical I am as well, and I really do always try my best to practice what I preach, and I’m a stickler for details.  I did spend a lot of time on the basics here…just getting everything to flow together and make sense in every way, from every angle.

Thank you so much..and I seriously mean that and respect your opinion.  It means a lot to me.  Let me know if I can help out in any way with anything you have in the works.

Hey Kev, so sorry for the long delay in getting back with you.  A big move and the OWC chewed me up.

Thanks, man, for reading and providing all this great feedback.  I really appreciate it, and as always, I’m going to respond to your comments.

Oh yeah, Congrats on your strong OWC showing…very impressive!

Actually, I think people did like the ending.  I’m glad you did as well.  I’m all about change and I always try to do some things differently with my general stories or plots.  I like things simple in terms of the big picture, but intricate and different, in the small picture, or details.  Glad that showd through.

Everyone seemed to think it was a troublesome read in getting into a rhythm.  As I’ve said before, I honestly believe that in a filmed version, it would play well.  There are movies with this feel, and IMO, they aren’t hard to follow and understand.  And, as you say, once you get used to it…and that this is the way it’s going to be, it becomes easier.  I knew doing it this way was different and irritating to some, but I kind of liked how it started flowing and decided it was definitely the way it was going to go.

Cool, glad the descriptions and dialogue worked for you.  I did spend quite a bit of time on the dialogue and research on the visuals (I did spend 8 nights on Barbados awhile back), so I kind of used memories along with research to fill things in.

Well, in terms of the cops just calling all the hotels to see where they were staying, keep in mind they weren’t staying at a hotel, as many people don’t on the island.  It’s also an island and things work differently (and there are A LOT of places to stay)…not as easy as just doing it and expecting immediate info.

Ah, the Vegas Flashback…yes…one of my personal faves, actually.  I knew this could be a problem, and it does play out quite long, but I really liked it, and was happy to hear a few others did as well.  Here’s the deal with it and why it’s here (other than to spice things up quickly and provide some action in a cool locale)…So I think this starts around Page 27 or so.  IMO, I really needed some action and this came up.  It’s really the only extended scene in which we see Jack and Mitch together, as friends.  It’s definitely a character building scene…whether you like what you see in them or hate them for who they are…or were.  It’s my way of making it clear that this is Jack and Mitch’s story when it comes down to it.

It also gives us some history as to why they are who they are now and why they do what they do in certain situations.  Sure, we see that they enjoy to party with booze, coke, women, gambling…you name it…yeah, this is who they are and IMO, they’re not all that different from a lot of guys with the same means.

It shows us that they don’t just lie down when confronted.  They not only fight back, but they kick some ass and take names…and other things as well.  Some people said they didn’t believe Jack would fight in the cave…that he’d just give up his money and whimper home.  No way, not who he is.  When the dudes burst in, he immediately threw a punch and brought it on.  That’s who he is.

But I also got to use my favorite piece of dialogue in this scene as well…Alexis’ line 2 pages later when she joins Jack in the shower.  HaHa…sorry, but sometimes I crack myself up.

BTW, here’s the deal…Alexis and Amy are hookers/call girls/pros.  Mitch hooked up the deal at the blackjack table…Jack was completely unaware.  It was basically the best man giving his buddy an early Bachelor’s party main gift, if you will.  The dudes, Nick and Joe are with the girls…cal them their partners.  They do this sort of shit now and then and thought Jack and Mitch were easy marks as they were obviously hammered, had money and were on a Bachelor party weekend.  They didn’t think they needed to be armed…or maybe they were?  Jack jumped him pretty quick and things didn’t go quite as planned for the dudes.  Why did Mitch take the watches and money?  Again, that’s who he is.  The same guy who cheats with his best friend’s wife.  Call security?  They’ve got blow everywhere, just had sex with 2 hookers, and probably aren’t looking for any of this info to be public knowledge.  In a weird way, kind of all foreshadowing, actually, I don’t know.


The cave scene…love it.  Yeah, it’s meant to be brutal and ugly and I used that dialogue because of that…and because of who these thugs are.  They’re animals.]

No, Woodie had nothing to do with what went down in the cave.  The cave scene is where Jack got all beat up, and had a lot to do with his amnesia, along with him just going stark raving mad as well.

Mitch was indeed a ghost that only Jack could see.  Yeah, Mitch is there to lead Jack back to what he did…not let him forget what he did.

Glad you liked it, Kev.  I say this a lot, and I’ll say it again…I always try and backload my scripts and probably always will.  IMO, a script/movie needs to finish strong to work over all.  It’s easy to forget things that didn’t work when you’re left with something powerful.

Thanks again, man.  Totally appreciate the feedback.

Hey Jeff,

your scripts have so much feedback on them! It’s hard to know if anything new can brought into the picture. Initially I was going to just post a paragraph summary when I saw how much feedback was already here, but I’d already written these notes out, so your getting them!
A lot will probably be covered. I’ve only flicked through a couple of reviews and it seems that way. Ignore/don’t worry everything old and beaten to death, that seems idiotic, not your thang…I’ll probably have a flick through of a couple of your replies to ppl now, anyway. Figure out some stuff for myself  

Montage:
Won’t we see from the opening montage that they are both men? Or how will you keep it ambiguous – non gender specific clothing? Also with the kayaking scene won’t you see their faces? Even if the actors were made to wear a cap/helmet? It guess it works when read, but on screen? And if we are going to see it’s the two buddies from the outset, then why have the montage at the end?
Also, what was the point? I’m sure you had one, but it just didn’t come across clearly to me. The opening montage seemed cheesy and the ending one didn’t seem to sit well with the tone of the script? This isn’t supposed to sound rude, but is actually a genuine question – who cares if Jack and Mitch sky dived together? Kayaked? Etc? I just don’t get their purpose in relation to the bigger picture.

Opening - Flashbacks. A lot. Wow.  A little sudden at first, but I’m starting to settle into them.

Pg 16 - The shorter flashbacks – like on Pg 16 read like a bit of a pain in the ass, but I can see these playing out well on screen. The flashback on Pg 16/17 almost takes up a page, but it would play out in what? Twenty seconds? As it’s mostly scene setting/description. I have a feeling these word work there way onto the screen seamlessly when viewed, instead of read. Little disjointed tidbits from his past. We find out things as he does.. It makes sense to take advantage of flashbacks when focusing on anyone who is struggling with their memories, past, anything with this type of subject matter.

I have a bit of an issue with Addinton, who I think could have been developed  mor, since you want him to have a bigger part in this?  Other than his mother there are really no distinct character traits about him or anything that’s really of interest.
Make the scenes with his mum more conflicting for him if you’re going to go through all that trouble of including her, and making their story a decent chunk of the overall story.  Could his mother be having issues with her will? Could Addinton be trying to convince her to reconcile with another son? Maybe even her and Addinton haven’t spoken in years and this is where he has to take the step and patch things up? I don’t know. All just random food for thought. He’s just too much of a good/perfect guy.  And there’s nothing really going on behind the scenes. It would only take something small, I think.
Also, Addinton’s dialogue, especially in relation to his mum, is far too artificial. Just feel that aspect this 1 dimensional/underplayed so far, and therefore lets the script down. The other way to go would be to tone down/condense her and Addinton’s parts a little/ make him more a minor character, then this wouldn’t stand out as much?


Vegas - Vegas flashback was good not only because of the length but because it expanded their characters and gave us insight into their relationship.

Alexis ‘baby pussy’ dialogue didn’t do anything for me. Felt too porno/artificial. Also Jack’s ‘what the’…I’m not a guy, but I can’t say that if I stepped into a shower naked, surprising a guy, that that I would expect that to be his first reaction. Something more like: Damn. Or a dum struck look, or silence then the two of them start kissing. Naked girls = good.
Who the f*** were the guys that showed up? (These are all rhetorical questions by the way Don’t need to answer them) the two of them seemed to come out of nowhere. No explanation of who they were/what they wanted.

Pg 21 - I cracked up at the ‘big surprise’ flashback by the pool. Could it be written more clearly to convey the tone of the scene? I couldn’t tell if Jack was joking around, and Julie’s response seems a harsh/abrupt thing to say with no response from Jack? Does he at least look upset…or?


Pg 42 – Jacks dialogue response to the cop saying he thought Jack had blocked out the death sounds stilted. Would he say those things he’s feeling to a stranger? I don’t think so.

Pg 54 – Addinton suggests that maybe Woddie had her killed and Jack beat up – what motivation do they think Woodie would have to get/beat up Jack?

Pg 55 – Glenville’s “there’s something we didn’t see coming.” I did.  I suspected Mitch of cheating early on, but it’s good that you kept us guessing/never really quite knew if he was the killer or not.

I don’t know how I feel about this one. At times, the flashbacks and sudden surge of recollection on Jack’s part felt so convenient like ‘cue the exposition,’ but at times they felt like a real part of the story/parrell story.
I’m a little conflicted I may need to sleep on this one.
For the most part it was relevant buildup and action happening in either one of the timelines.
Although I’m fine with Jack not being the most active guy, I still think if he took things into his hands a couple of times, (eg. tried to find woodie earlier, instead of waiting for him to call?/ done some digging into the wear abouts of his wife/whatever) then it would play out better on screen. As it is, it may be like watching him close his eyes every five seconds to reminisce and only taking an active part in things when the cops are present/initiate it.

Pg 72, 3 – Julie acts like a bitch on the phone and when they meet. I’m surprised there’s been no talk so far about her being hesitant to go on the trip in the first place, or no real reaction from Jack regarding her behaivour.

Pg 75 – ‘Jesus, Jules, what’s with you?’ – I agree. About time he asked.

Pg 82 – wouldn’t of minded a sentence about Morris earlier on. Just something about seeing him around the resort/wherever they were staying. Would make it more plausible, to me, that they would go with him, then. Maybe even in the short scene he just works past eyeing up Julie, gives her the creeps. I don’t know. Something seemingly insignificant.

Pg 83 – I’ve accepted all the nudity/sex so far as being relevant to the story, but having Julie’s shirt ripped open, exposing her breasts, feels far to close to just having Glenville greeted by the topless woman. (can’t remember her name….) I think the scenario with Glenville needs to go.

Pg 84 – I like Morris’s half uttered line here. Funny.

Pg 86 – Yeah. This scene would be sufficient nudity from these two, without the prior scene I mentioned.

Pg 90…ok do these really need to be naked, again?  This mention feels gratuitous. Does nothing for story value/even entertainment.  This two second scene also feels unnecessary. Their scene on 93 – better and really the only one needed between these two.

Pg 95 – dialogue needs some work. Feels unnatural.

Pg 97 – Jack’s dialogue – ouch…The first para of his is more powerful on it’s own. Yeah, BUDDY…God.  Good stuff.

Pg 98 – not sure how I feel about Jack raising the shaft, almost knocking Julie one, even if he didn’t end up being the killer. He loves her, and I know people do crazy things in these situations, but I don’t know…just a small thing.

Pg 100 – Jack’s use of the word ‘Buddy’ feels strange here.

Ok. So I just finished. My overall impression of the ending was varied. I liked how you wrapped everything up, made the timeline meet. But I don’t like Jack suddenly became a raving lunatic and decided to kill the first officer, then lunge at the second. It would have been more poignant for him to go out quietly with you ‘Unforgettable’ playing in the background, not suddenly turn all serial killer on everyone? Because I actually liked his character until then. I don’t know if this is bad though, as I often leave movies thinking WTF at the end. Still…I guess he was coked up…

Overall, I don’t know how I feel about this one. At times, the flashbacks and sudden surge of recollection on Jack’s part felt waaay too convenient like ‘cue the exposition’, but at times they felt like they progressed and unfolded naturally.
I’m a little conflicted I may need to sleep on this one.
Although I’m fine with Jack not being the most active guy, I still think if he took things into his hands a couple of times, (tried to find woodie earlier, instead of waiting for him to call?/ attempted to locate Julie’s whereabout/whatever) then it would play out better on screen. As it is, it may be like watching him close his eyes every five seconds to reminisce and only taking an active part in things when the cops are present/initiate it.

Simple story line. A little cliché with the best-friend-wife scenario, but I see you put your spin on it. What’s cool is the thought that’s gone in to plot/pacing this out in only 7 weeks. Maybe this is a rewrite? I don’t know. Still a solid effort, either way.

So, that’s all I can think of. I think it’s WAAAAY more than likely I’ve covered old ground here. But you’ve got far too many posts on this for me to read through em all.  These are all just my opinions, of course (Though It would have taken a whole extra page up if I mentioned that every 2 seconds. ) I even learned something from this! haha
Ok. Toss what you will. It’s all good.  I tend to ramble, and sometimes come off as a bitch… I’m not   I’m pretty sure I enjoyed this. I’ll know in the morning…

Key to My Heart (is that the correct title?) I couldn’t find it. Although, I don’t really have the whole search thing down yet.

Naomi

Hi Naomi, welcome aboard the SS Cruise Line!  Hope you enjoy your time here.

Thanks so much for the read and feedback.

All notes and different perspectives are appreciated.

Montage – Although it “could” be very easy to see that they’re both men in the opening montage, it also doesn’t have to be even possible, based on how it’s filmed.  I believe very strongly in reading exactly what’s written in a script…nothing more, and nothing less.  If the sex isn’t given of a character, IMO, you have to assume you won’t know in a filmed version either.  I think there are numerous angles that can be used to conceal one’s identity, as well as distance away from the camera.  Keep in mind that all the scenes in the montage are ones that involve “special” clothing, which can and does conceal one’s identity.

The bookend montage at the end simply clarifies the details of the opening montage and shows you that what you thought you were watching (Jack and Julie) was actually Jack and Mitch.  This is to show once and for all, in case you didn’t get it during the read or view, that this is Jack and Mitch’s story.  Julie is a secondary character, and although her disappearance is at the center of the story, her character itself doesn’t come into play too much.

Yep, a lot of Flashbacks…and even a few more now in the rewrite, believe it or not!  They tend to get easier to digest once you realize they’re going to be consistent.

Why do you say the shorter Flashbacks read like a pain in the ass, but would play out well in a filmed version?  I don’t understand.  Not sure which 1 page Flashback you’re referring to on Page 16/17…I don’t see one.

I do think these Flashbacks, however long they are, will play out well enough onscreen and not be an issue.

I’m really surprised you have an issue with Addinton not being developed enough.  IMO, he’s a very strong and developed secondary character.  He’s got an actual life full of emotions, and he’s also full of character traits and personality that are unique to him in this script.  This really bums me out, as I really like Addinton…and others have agreed.

I’m also surprised you thought Addinton’s dialogue was weak and/or artificial.  He speaks proper British influenced English Bajan.  He is well mannered, and maybe that’s why you say his dialogue sounds artificial.  To me, it sounds pretty spot on, based on my limited experience with the Bajan culture.

Cool, glad you liked the Vegas Flashback.  It’s hit and miss, it seems, probably due to its length and the fact that some don’t see its relevance.  I’m actually glad someone actually commented on Alexis’ “baby pussy” dialogue.  I love it, actually, and I guess it kind of plays like an inside joke, but I couldn’t resist throwing it in here.  Keep in mind that Alexis is a Pro, so dialogue like this isn’t at all out of the ordinary (of course, not that I’d know or anything like that from experience…).  Surprised jack’s “What the…” line didn’t feel real.  He is quite wasted and quite surprised by Alexis’ entrance…it’s not at all that he wasn’t happy about this, but again, he told Mitch earlier not to get him in trouble, so…

The 2 guys who showed up out of nowhere were partners with Alexis and Amy, and were there to rob them.  I really didn’t want to spell any of this out.

Glad the ‘big surprise’ flashback worked for you.  I cracked up over that one as well.  Yeah, Jack is not happy with Julie’s reaction.  I thought it was clear, but maybe it’s not.  I’ll give it a look.

Yeah, I agree with you, I’ll fix up the dialogue on Page 42.  Good catch!

They think Jack owed Woodie money or that Woodie was extorting Jack.  This whole dialogue exchange is basically gone now in the rewrite anyways.

Mitch being the other man really wasn’t supposed to be kept much of a secret.  I kind of left it as something people would think they figured out, which then means the real secret and twist comes off as more of a shock…hopefully!

You’ll have to let me know how you feel about ti now that you’ve (hopefully) slept on it a few days.

Julie’s character has been fleshed out a bit in the beginning in the rewrite. She’s a much more likable character and loving wife now, until it becomes clear she’s cheating.


As for Morris, he’s merely a caver…and a conniver.  Keep in mind that jack and Julie are staying at a villa, not a resort.  They’re on their own, doing their own thing.  There are numerous things to do on the island, like Harrison’s Cave, Welchman Hall Gully, etc, but it’s not like you may be envisioning.  I don’t have any interest in expanding Morris’ character.

Sorry you feel Julie’s shirt being ripped open is too much.  Just trying to show the brutal reality of this horrific scene.  It’s ugly…and it’s supposed to be ugly.  This is not meant to be gratuitous eye candy nudity.  It’s depraved, it’s ugly, and it’s supposed to hit hard.

Shauntee’s nudity is exactly what it appears to be…gratuitous eye candy nudity…of the island variety, which we don’t see too often.

The finale has been rewritten with a few significant changes.  It’s apparent that jack really try and save Julie, and the raised shaft stuff is gone.  He does love her indeed and he realizes for an instant what he’s done, but then loses it again quickly.

Yeah, Jack lost it in the end…and yes, he was all coked up and the sum of everything drove him over the edge.

Exactly correct - Simple story line, with my spin on it, and because of that, for me at least, it loses its simplicity.  Thanks, yeah, this is the actual 7 week script.  It has been rewritten and the final rewrite will be taking place soon.
So let me know your final thoughts when you get a chance, Naomi.  Thanks again!

Jeff,

Started reading your script.  Approximately half way through, and I have to stop for now so I thought I'd jot down my thoughts.

Your writing is top-notch, no real complaints there.  It's always refreshing to sit down and read a script and know you don't have to worry about typos, bad grammar, formatting errors, etc.  I'm sure I don't need to tell you that though.

So, sad to say, the story just isn't really working for me up to this point.  And I think, when you boil it down, it's because you're not really allowing the story to breathe all that much; with the insane number of flashbacks you employ.  I was actually hesitant to read your script because of your logline, because I kind of assumed it was going to be like this; that is, flashback after flashback.  It's just too much.  Too much exposition that doesn't allow the core of your story to breathe.  I don't really have time to care much about Julie's disappearance because I'm always being whisked away, out of the present.  You might think that the flashbacks are enhancing your story (and who knows, I'm probably in the minority), but they're hurting it for me.  

It's a little difficult to critique which flashbacks work and which ones don't (because several seem superfluous), because I haven't reached the end.  I'm sure, like in most movies that follow this formula, a lot of the flashbacks will end up playing a bigger role in the end.

Oh, and in regards to not really caring about Julie being gone: that's a problem too.  I don't really feel a sense of urgency, panic or danger.  Everyone seems kind of...laid back about this whole thing.  I know Jack's dealing with memory loss and all that, but none of his memories seem to effect him all that much.  He just seems kind of stoic the whole way through.

Random Notes Along the Way

p.11 - "I'll never forget it." - A little too on the nose

p.13 -"Yes she did, man." -  The "man" at the end seems too informal/awkward

p.13 - Lose the comma after "Good day, Mr. Benton" and make it a period.

p.19 - Lose the "s" after Jack at the bottom

p.29 - "You wanna eat my baby pussy?" -  I assume that's a typo?

p.35 - "Where are you, man?" - Awkward/informal

-It just occurred to me that the flashbacks MIGHT be confusing when they're played out on the screen.  The age difference is so minimal that there's really no way to tell which ones come first.

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p.41- Why is it that Jack just NOW remembers about his son's death, with just ONE person reminding him?

I guess I just don't buy this whole premise - that his memory keeps coming back at the most opportune moments.  What kind of memory problem functions like this?

--

So that's it for right now.  I don't really know if you'll take my criticisms to heart because the flashbacks are SO engrained in the story, but it's just my two cents.  It's just not really my type of movie.

I hear ya, Matt.  Sorry it's not working for you.

There are a shitload of Flashbacks for sure, and I knew some would have a problem with them.

I'm heading out for the evening and will get back to your feedback when you're all done with the script.

Thanks for giving it a look.  I appreciate it!

One thing that I am sure has been discussed here, but it's worth mentioning because it comes into play in so many aspects, is the difference between a readable script and one that will make a good film. Everyone knows that a script needs to be readable, at the same time it needs to be a blueprint, and that those two aspects pull at each other.

This script, especially early in it, is very hard to read because of the Flashes. Would look different on film though.

I'm not suggesting how to resolve that problem. And it comes into play in other areas. I think sometimes writers take a liberty or two with format in order to enhance the read, and I think they should. Before it can be a blueprint, it has to be read and hopefully enjoyed, or appreciated.

Matthew, after you get through the flashes here, about midway, the story picks up steam. And I think there's only one flash in the second half. Plus the ending is a little outside of the box, which I think you'll like.

Hey Matt, I think you know I always try to respond in detail to feedback I receive, so here goes…

Appreciate the compliments on the writing.  I do always strive for perfection and try to practice what I preach.  Glad it shows here.

As I’ve said many times, I totally understand how some, or even many will have a problem with the sheer number of Flashbacks, and the jolt they deliver while reading.  I want to throw a few things out there that may or may not help or even make sense.

What we have here is basically 2 stories, told in 2 different timelines.  We have the current timeline story, which begins as soon as Jack is found bloody and beaten.  In this story, Jack and the rest of the cast tries to figure out what happened to him and his missing wife.  And then, we have the details of what actually happened earlier in the week, told through Flashbacks from Jack’s perspective, as his memory slowly returns.  Finally, at the end, both stories merge and come to a conclusion.  All the other Flashbacks from Jack’s past are merely characterization that hopefully helps make sense of the whos, the whats, and the whys of what’s happening…and what happened.

You’re not alone in not caring for Julie.  As I told you, there are a few scenes that still haven’t made it into the final draft, and they’re all basically involving her, in hopes of building her character a bit.  But, the focus isn’t on Julie, really.  This is Jack’s story, and if you don’t care for him either, well, you’re probably not going to care, period.

Won’t comment on the Flashbacks in detail until you’ve finished.

Random Notes Along the Way

p.11 - "I'll never forget it." - A little too on the nose – Yeah, I hear you.  Kind of playing to the title and overall theme of amnesia and memories in general.

p.13 -"Yes she did, man." -  The "man" at the end seems too informal/awkward – Going for a certain tone with the Bajan dialect, which will work for some and not for others, I think.  They are a formal people, yet a laid back type in the same breath.

p.13 - Lose the comma after "Good day, Mr. Benton" and make it a period. – I agree.  Good catch.

p.19 - Lose the "s" after Jack at the bottom – WOW!  Another great catch.  How’d I miss that in all my reads?  Damn, nice, Matt. Thanks!

p.29 - "You wanna eat my baby pussy?" -  I assume that's a typo? – HaHa…no, actually, it’s not.  It’s my favorite line!   It’s kind of an inside joke with me, but it originated in an old, early 80’s porn flick, and it never left my mind.  I thought this was a perfect time to use it.  It doesn’t seem to be working for most…

p.35 - "Where are you, man?" - Awkward/informal – Same deal with your earlier concern of the use of “man” in the Bajan dialect.

-It just occurred to me that the flashbacks MIGHT be confusing when they're played out on the screen.  The age difference is so minimal that there's really no way to tell which ones come first. – In a filmed version, it will be very clear because of different clothing and completely different settings.  I think it will also be obvious the way they are set up…as in something brings the memories on.

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p.41- Why is it that Jack just NOW remembers about his son's death, with just ONE person reminding him? – Not sure if you’ve gotten to it yet, but it’s made clear that jack blocked this out completely…the human mind works in strange ways.  Why is it coming back to him now, all of a sudden?  Cold be due to the trauma he went through which caused him to forget the most recent events of his wife disappearing.

I guess I just don't buy this whole premise - that his memory keeps coming back at the most opportune moments.   What kind of memory problem functions like this?  It’s something you’ll have to buy into for it to work.   Memory problems/amnesia work in many ways, and there are many different types.  Each individual handles things differently. I actually did a good amount of research on the subject, even consulting with a psychologist and a medical doctor (at Swedish Hospital, in Seattle).

Hopefully, things improve for you in the 2nd half.  Thanks for the read, Matt!