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*** SPOILER ALERT! *** PLEASE DON'T READ THIS REVIEW IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE SCRIPT!!
Story/Structure This is an interesting story well told! Structurally, it was solid. That said, I did find the numerous FLASHBACKS a little jarring and they slowed the read down somewhat. Obviously, this particular story, an amnesiac man struggling to regain his memory in order to find his missing wife, demands the use of FLASHBACKS! On screen, I think they'd work fine! In script form they're a tad cumbersome imo.
One suggestion worth considering would be to use SUPERS to indicate the particular time period the FLASHBACK takes place. In its current form, I'm not sure the various ages we meet Jack and Julie, 25, 29, 32, 35 etc - Would translate to screen that well, without the use of SUPERS, as physically I'd doubt that they would change that much over such a relatively short timespan.
Characters The characters were generally well drawn. To me they seemed like real people rather than movie people. Julie for example, came across as a real bitch at times, yet, given what she has been through, her behavior was perfectly understandable.
Similarly, Jack felt equally real to me. I liked the fact that he went into self-destruct mode after the tragic loss of his three-year-old son, Jimmy. I've seen countless movies and TV shows were a couple experience the loss of a beloved child. Typically, the child's mother will be overcome with grief. Yet, for some reason the child's father seems to just take it on the chin!! In a TV movie, yes. In real life, not a chance!!
It's also worth noting that most of the other characters all seemed to have their own lives and where not just there merely as a function to serve Jack's story. Addinton coming to terms with the imminent loss of his elderly mother etc.
Dialog This was also good. No two characters sounded alike. Plenty of nice banter etc. My only real quibble was Mitch's line near the end: "My work here is done." It reminded me of one of the quirky psychic's lines from 'Poltergesit'!
Story I had an idea where this story was heading early on - In that I felt Jack was directly responsible for Julie's disappearance! However, because you made me care about Jack, I was hoping I was wrong! And when Morris and his cronies attacked Jack and Julie at the Bath House, I felt a sense of relief in that I thought my suspicions about him, (Jack) were wrong!
Similarly, the ending didn't play out as I expected. Largely, because of Mrs. Harewood's premonitions about Addinton finding Julie alive. Just curious, has the story always played out with Julie dead in every draft? Either way, good job. Wasn't expecting it!
One thing that relates more to character than story is that Jack's character never arcs. Because of his amnesia, he goes on this journey of self-discovery - Ultimately learns that he killed his best friend Mitch and was partly responsible for Julie's death too (though he did try to save her). Rather than be repulsed by his actions he goes into self-preservation mode and kills Woodie and stabs Addinton.
One suggestion would be to try make the ending more powerful. What if Jack was so repulsed by his murderous deeds that not only is he physically sick, he sees the errors of his ways and sacrifices himself in some way. Maybe he doesn't kill Woodie and when Woodie subsequently tries to shoot Addinton, Jack steps in front of him. Takes a bullet for him. Dies a good guy.
Either way, it's a good story regardless! Good job
Fade To White Vs Unforgettable
Jeff, having read both of these. I think Fade to White is a crisper read! That said, I personally think Unforgettable is the better story and thus stronger script. It has more layers, more depth. The character work is stronger. There are a ton of emotions at play in this story: Love, Jealousy, Revenge, Guilt, Regret etc.
YOUR WRITING At times, your writing reminds me stylistically of acclaimed screenwriter Travis Beacham - in that it's concise, yet vivid and very visual.
Hey Gary, thanks for the read and feedback. I like the way you provide feedback and love your SPOILER ALERT. I used to do that, but have gotten very lazy over the years. I’ll try and remember to throw those out when I give feedback next.
Thanks for the compliments and glad you enjoyed this script.
One suggestion worth considering would be to use SUPERS to indicate the particular time period the FLASHBACK takes place. In its current form, I'm not sure the various ages we meet Jack and Julie, 25, 29, 32, 35 etc - Would translate to screen that well, without the use of SUPERS, as physically I'd doubt that they would change that much over such a relatively short timespan.
Good point, but I decided against this early on, as there were just too many. I understand completely that on paper, it may be tough to completely follow, but I think with visuals, it will be rather simple to know where and when we are.
The characters were generally well drawn. To me they seemed like real people rather than movie people. Julie for example, came across as a real bitch at times, yet, given what she has been through, her behavior was perfectly understandable.
Similarly, Jack felt equally real to me. I liked the fact that he went into self-destruct mode after the tragic loss of his three-year-old son, Jimmy. I've seen countless movies and TV shows were a couple experience the loss of a beloved child. Typically, the child's mother will be overcome with grief. Yet, for some reason the child's father seems to just take it on the chin!! In a TV movie, yes. In real life, not a chance!!
It's also worth noting that most of the other characters all seemed to have their own lives and where not just their merely as a function to serve Jack's story. Addinton coming to terms with the imminent loss of his elderly mother etc.
Thank you. Good to hear. I always try very hard to give life to my characters.
I had an idea where this story was heading early on - In that I felt Jack was directly responsible for Julie's disappearance! However, because you made me care about Jack, I was hoping I was wrong! And when Morris and his cronies attacked Jack and Julie at the Bath House, I felt a sense of relief in that I thought my suspicions about him, (Jack) were wrong!
Similarly, the ending didn't play out as I expected. Largely, because of Mrs. Harewood's premonitions about Addinton finding Julie alive. Just curious, has the story always played out with Julie dead in every draft? Either way, good job. Wasn't expecting it!
Cool. Thanks. Actually, Jack’s “involvement”, or the assumption that he’s involved, is kind of a red herring I threw out to take away from the “real” twist.
Julie has been dead from the very beginning of the script’s inception. IMO, finding her alive would be rather cliché, or possibly, even expected, and I didn’t want anything to play out as expected. Also, it’s a dark and sad tale, and I’m not one for typical Hollywood endings. My philosophy? Kill ‘em all! LOL!!!
One thing that relates more to character than story is that Jack's character never arcs. Because of his amnesia, he goes on this journey of self-discovery - Ultimately learns that he killed his best friend Mitch and was partly responsible for Julie's death too (though he did try to save her). Rather than be repulsed by his actions he goes into self-preservation mode and kills Woodie and stabs Addinton.
To be completely honest, I am not one for character arcs, nor do I attempt to include them in my writing. But, IMO, there is an arc of sorts, as you laid out above. Jack had completely blocked out his son’s death, just as he blocked out the events of a few nights ago, so his life had really been devoid of pretty much everything after Jimmy died. He didn’t understand why Julie “lost her love” for him, and really didn’t even “remember” she was cheating on him. He was the blame all the way around, and he got his in the end as well, as what comes around, always seems to go around.
One suggestion would be to try make the ending more powerful. What if Jack was so repulsed by his murderous deeds that not only is he physically sick, he sees the errors of his ways and sacrifices himself in some way. Maybe he doesn't kill Woodie and when Woodie subsequently tries to shoot Addinton, Jack steps in front of him. Takes a bullet for him. Dies a good guy.
I appreciate the idea, but again, as said above, this is a dark, sad tale and Jack had become a dark shell of the man he was. No redeeming himself or his character.
YOUR WRITING at times, your writing reminds me stylistically of acclaimed screenwriter Travis Beacham - in that it's concise, yet vivid and very visual.
Thanks Gary! I appreciate that very much. I’ll be posting feedback to Offline later today.
Okay, Jeff, I just read this and... well, still letting it sink in but I have enough thoughts to write a coherent review.
I really enjoyed this, from start to finish. The mystery, the amnesia-ridden protagonist incapable of remembering his past, slowly untangling a web of memories as the story progresses to deliver an impactful blow on the overall appeal of the character.
Jack, first off, exceptionally well written and memorable. His dilemma was exciting, fresh and thrilling, not knowing who he "really was" until the end certainly upped the excitement factor of this tale.
Mitch, fun-loving, care free, quite the charmer and humorous character. Had some defining moments, and I kinda suspected him to be the "lover" early on, as he was always dodging the cops.
However, and SPOILER ALERT, his twist at the end was one I NEVER saw coming. There was nothing supernatural about the script until that point, and when it was uncovered I seriously didn't know how to react to it. I was stunned, shocked and astonished at the same time.
It's always great when a writer does that IMO. Brings a new element into play right at the final whistle that completely rewrites everything we've read, and this happened in an exceptionally GOOD WAY.
Addinton, loved his character, what can I say, I just like emotionally driven characters with something worth fighting for. His scenes with his mother, the friendships he had and the arc his character had were excellently crafted.
The scene with his mother at the end of that specific story arc was well written and beautiful. Even though I didn't truly know the mother as a character, it still brought an emotional response because Addinton was written so damn well.
Glenville, he was fun to read and follow throughout the tale, had a good character, hit with Shantee etc. Great secondary protagonist, I really bought the friendship between him and Addinton.
Julie, not that we see her much, but she had an awesome arc. The rape sequence at the cave was nail-biting, and she put up a damn good fight. Her story was twisted and dark, but also relatable.
Husband and Wife lose their son, Jimmy, to a hit-and-run, slowly drift apart, become different people, and the latter finds comfort in the arms of another. Definitely something I know would happen in real life, so it certainly worked out for the best here.
Woodie, mysterious and dangerous, his arc was rather eerie. Guy in the shadows, seemingly pulling all the strings, set up to be the main antagonist, only becomes nothing more than a martyr for "SPOILER'S" revenge driven conquest to regain his "spoiler" and uncover the past.
Other characters served their purposes well, Addinton's sons, Addy, Jimmy's scene, the doctor, Shauntee and Nailah, all fit in well and served the plot in one way or another.
Story: Emotionally investing. I wanted to know what happened with Jack, from start to finish there was a mystery that kept me hooked, it latched me onto the plot and never allowed me to take a break.
It will likely play on my mind for a few weeks, maybe months, because I was heavily invested in the plot and the characters.
Format, writing: Expert, taught me a lot about how to write action scenes and dialogue, very easy to read to, not that I really know what a stalactite is, but a quick browse through the dictionary and I found it. Also helps to know what the things are in caves, as I wrote them as "columns", lol.
I really did enjoy it, and see that many others have too. I especially liked, no, loved the double-twist at the end. One minute it was like "whoa, damn" and the next when the knife came into play I was like "err... holy hell, what just happened?".
Really good stuff here. I didn't see the ending coming. Makes for a very nice, relaxing and interesting read, could also make for one helluva movie, which I would watch on premiere night.
All in all, this was exciting, fresh and expertly crafted.
It was a pleasure reading it, Jeff, and I hope to one day see this on the big screen.
Lee, thanks so much for reading and providing feedback. I really appreciate it.
You made my day, bro, with all your kind words and compliments. Glad you enjoyed this. I like it as well, and characters like Addinton, are my favorite I've ever written.
THis was originally written as part of a 7WC (7 week challenge), that Pia ran a number of years ago. Pia's entry, Blackout, has already been filmed and released on Blu Ray.
Let me knnow if I can help you going forward in any way.
I've noticed a pattern to your scripts. You are very good in applying symbols in all the right places. From the dragonfly to the "blood halo" (which was fantastic!), it complements another crafty display of symmetry to your writings. Again, you take a character's previous goals, and put them into the position that turns pages.
The flashback structure was obviously necessary to the plot, and for the most part advanced the story. Sometimes they felt jarring, but they weren't irrelevant to what was going on either.
I like how you subtly challenged the integrity of Woodie's character in regards to Jack's lifestyle, but overall it didn't pay off the way I had expected. Glenville/Shauntee didn't feel that important and seemed to be a device for taking him away from action. But the way you described her rack was worth it, lol! Leave it in.
You displayed a stylish vibe without a ton of description. A good use of slugs. For a 7WC, I am beyond impressed and really felt I was in a place I have never been. Seems you've hit the books or drew from fun experiences, great effort.
Addinton was part of some well-written scenes. The way he interacted with Jack stood out. I was onboard with his character.
I couldn't stop turning the page with the cave scene. But with Julie/Mitch dialogue in the gully, I thought Julie's dialogue regarding the rape was too on the nose, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't warrant the connection. It examines her motives for going back to Jack too literally.
Overall, this was an excellent story with thought-out scene weave. The opening sequence was a good icebreaker for the flashbacks and the characters were interesting enough to find out what happens next. It was a decent twist ending, but I was expecting something a little more high stakes. What else you got? lol
I've noticed a pattern to your scripts. You are very good in applying symbols in all the right places. From the dragonfly to the "blood halo" (which was fantastic!), it complements another crafty display of symmetry to your writings. Again, you take a character's previous goals, and put them into the position that turns pages.
The flashback structure was obviously necessary to the plot, and for the most part advanced the story. Sometimes they felt jarring, but they weren't irrelevant to what was going on either.
I like how you subtly challenged the integrity of Woodie's character in regards to Jack's lifestyle, but overall it didn't pay off the way I had expected. Glenville/Shauntee didn't feel that important and seemed to be a device for taking him away from action. But the way you described her rack was worth it, lol! Leave it in.
You displayed a stylish vibe without a ton of description. A good use of slugs. For a 7WC, I am beyond impressed and really felt I was in a place I have never been. Seems you've hit the books or drew from fun experiences, great effort.
Addinton was part of some well-written scenes. The way he interacted with Jack stood out. I was onboard with his character.
I couldn't stop turning the page with the cave scene. But with Julie/Mitch dialogue in the gully, I thought Julie's dialogue regarding the rape was too on the nose, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't warrant the connection. It examines her motives for going back to Jack too literally.
Overall, this was an excellent story with thought-out scene weave. The opening sequence was a good icebreaker for the flashbacks and the characters were interesting enough to find out what happens next. It was a decent twist ending, but I was expecting something a little more high stakes.
Johnny, a always, thank you for reading and providing such well thought out feedback.
You've come a long way in both your feedback and your writing, Johnny, and I for one am thoroughly impressed.
I hear your concerns and criticisms. This is really a very simple story which is made less simple in the way it's told, which is a combination of real time and Flashbacks. I made a decision when structuring this that I was going to risk alienating my readers by using serious heavy Flashbacks and tell this in several timelines, making it appear to be more than it really is. It's a mystery that we get to solve along with Jack, Addinton, and Glenville in real time, while learning the facts through Flashbacks, all of which come directly from Jack's POV.
You are not alone in questioning my island sexy girl, Shawntee's reasons for being. Personally, I like her here in several ways - I like the sexuality she brings, and I like that she humanizes Glenville, and gives him a life outside of just being a cop. I also think she's cool and rather funny. Finally, like you noted, she's key to the finale, in that Addinton is on his own early on, only to be saved by Glenville.
As for the twist ending and the lack of higher stakes, I'm not sure what to say exactly. Yes, it does play out like a twist for sure and that was indeed intended, but as noted earlier, it's only a twist because of the structure and the order we learn of past events. Also, as I've said a few times in the past, Mitch's involvement is rather telegraphed and intentially so, serving as a form of a red herring - as in, you definitely think he's guilty in some way, but by thinking that, you actually miss out on the real situation, that's he's been dead the whole time. Kind of like, "give a crook $100, and don't let him know you've actually got $1,000 in the other pocket." The higher stakes part is what it is here, I think. The stakes are quite simple - Julie's missing, what happened to her.
Thanks agin, bro. As you know, I'm always available to bounce something off.
I thought I'd read a bit at a time. I'm gonna tackle a long one, Unforgettable. As someone who has done montages in the movie I did for my thesis, you might want to give a bit of an explanation as to when they change. Is it by verse, by lyric etc.
1. Wow, you have people on the bottom of the ocean, dolphins coming up, all this cost money... Not that my stuff doesn't, but, working with animals is expensive and unpredictable.
2. Wow, now that's how you end a montage! Death. On page 2, so that's good.
3. Page 2, you have Jack, now 35. On your Super, you should show that age difference too.
4. I'm on page 11, you show Jack at different ages. As a viewer, I always find it hard to follow if the time period isn't shown. I mean, how is the director gonna show the change? I'd add the date.
5. Page 17 I know the flashbacks are supposed to give us the back story, but, honestly, you have a lot of them. I think it distracts. Unless something important happens, I think I'd take out one or 2. Like the one where she tells him that she's gonna shop while he plays golf. What is the importance? Even if something happens later, why do we need to know that particular flashback?
6. Why couldn't Nailia give her statement at work? People give statements all the time to the cops. They write it down and contact them further if they need to.
7. Page 19, I don't buy it. If he's that beat up, he shouldn't be out of bed. He isn't legally released. And also, if he goes MIA, wouldn't that look bad to the cops? So, Jack is in his muddy clothes? And they beat him up, but, left his wallet full of cash and credit cards? Like I said, don't really buy it.
8. Page 20 Kinda confused, Jules is pregnant for this trip right? I can understand why she wouldn't want to skinny dip with him... But, you never mention that, or have her look at her pregnant belly and sigh. These flashbacks really get confusing. When in time was this last one? She's clearly not happy with him.
9. Page 22 when Julie calls him on the golf course. You might want to give some sort of emotional tell how Julie takes his 79 score. Does she care or is she placating him? That would go a long way into her mind frame. IF I had to guess, she paid to have herself abducted and beat him up b/c she isn't happy anymore. Lets see how close to the truth I come.
10. Page 24, so that death was their son. I have to say, I don't understand how any marriage could survive the death of a child when one can't even recall that. I don't see how Jules could have gone through that alone.
11. Is this police work correctly researched? I mean, here in the states, they would have had all this information within hours. I don't know how many days it has been since they found him, but, it seems slow.
12. Page 55 you have him say "To the Jules' well being." Isn't it "To Jules' well being."?
13. Page 81, you say Rawle lunges at Jack, who sidesteps his attack, and jumps on his back, arms wrapped tightly around his neck. I think the way you have it written, Rawle is the first his, meaning he is behind Jack with his arms wrapped around his neck. At least, that's how I understand it, the english language can be tough, I screw up all the time, but, I thought first mentioned automatically becomes the first his in the same sentence b/c you created a respectively chain.
14. Not crazy about the way you have the fight set up. I know fight scenes are really hard, and I'm not sure I can tell u how to make it better, but, it seems murky to me.
15. page 88, why wouldn't they have taken Woody's car from earlier? I mean, he's a prime suspect as far as they know, his car was there, I don't know why they wouldn't have towed it away or put a boot on it or had a cop hide and wait with the car.
16. I notice you have a lot of animals doing specific things. Again, they are unpredictable and I'd be careful, you don't have an expensive movie, well the cave scene looks expensive, but, you might want to tone it back.
17. Page 89, why would Woodie say Hello my little friend, do you want to play with woodie? Seems odd, actually the entire thing seems odd. You have this mystery hand, yet, we know that's the watch that Jack took off that wanna-be-thief.
18. Wait, Jack and Mitch are hanging out, is that current, your flashbacks and odd way of doing stuff has me a bit lost. So, Jack didn't kill Woodie? It was Mitch?
19. Whoa, some best friend. Wow.
20. Can the monkeys interact with the humans, or are they in a cage? Monkeys can be very dangerous. Kinda lost here.
I hated the ending. I get the wrap up and the closure, but, we don't get to see Glenville set Julie free. The dragonfly needs to be here. I really enjoyed it up to the end.
Also I'm sure you checked the whole Mitch thing to make sure that no one else saw him or interacted with him. Since he's a figment of Jack's imagination, that's fine, but, what about the phone call at the beginning?
I think instead of showing Jack and Mitch, you should show the love he had for Julie doing all those things, and when Jack and Julie get married, perhaps she looks at Mitch and that's why the tear rolls down her face. She loved both men, and both men loved her. A very sad triangle. Or show Julie with Mitch at times doing those things. There are a lot of things you can do, I just felt empty at the end b/c you tied up the beginning montage, but, it's meaningless b/c you didn't fulfill the promises that Glenville's mom had set up. Yes, he shot and killed Jack, but, Julie needs to be put to rest and set free.
Again, it isn't that I didn't like the story. The main story is really good. It's a deep plot and it makes sense. I just didn't like the ending. I mean, is the story about betrayal or about a stone cold killer? You should have his wife in one of the montages at the end.
You have Jack as the main and he's so in love with Julie that he murders his best friend in cold blood, yet, you have his final thoughts be to his best friend, and not one thought on her. Add in the fact that I doubt the triangle truly started with the death of his son, and I think an "aha" moment where he realizes that his best friend was always too close to his wife could be really effective for the ending.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
As someone who has done montages in the movie I did for my thesis, you might want to give a bit of an explanation as to when they change. Is it by verse, by lyric etc.
Personally, I don't feel that's the writer's job, as it doesn't affect anything, really.
Wow, you have people on the bottom of the ocean, dolphins coming up, all this cost money... Not that my stuff doesn't, but, working with animals is expensive and unpredictable.
This is not intended to be a low budget script. In fact, I’m looking at somewhere near $10 Million.
I'm on page 11, you show Jack at different ages. As a viewer, I always find it hard to follow if the time period isn't shown.
Obviously, there are a lot of Flashbacks here and this really runs over 2 time periods – the past and the present. Each time there’s a Flashback, it should be obvious, based on the transition, but in reality, it doesn’t matter exactly when each Flashback took place.
I mean, how is the director gonna show the change?
What change? The change in character’s age? Through makeup…we’re talking about a max of 10 years, between 25 and 35 years of age, but many of the Flashbacks are only 6 or 7 years, so shouldn’t be an issue.
I made a conscious decision not to use SUPERS, other than at the very beginning to make it clear where we are. Using dates in Slugs is not correct and does not transfer to film.
Page 17 I know the flashbacks are supposed to give us the back story, but, honestly, you have a lot of them. I think it distracts. Unless something important happens, I think I'd take out one or 2. Like the one where she tells him that she's gonna shop while he plays golf. What is the importance? Even if something happens later, why do we need to know that particular flashback?
The entire script is set up like it is for a reason, and I understand that everyone will not enjoy that setup – sounds like you’re one of those who is not, and I’m sorry it’s not working for you.
You are correct…many of the Flashbacks are not necessary, nor are many of the scenes in the present day. In reality, only a handful of scenes in any script are completely necessary, but if we only include scenes that are 100% necessary, we wouldn’t have any 90 – 120 minute movies. There’s a reason for everything here, however subtle it may be.
Why couldn't Nailia give her statement at work? People give statements all the time to the cops. They write it down and contact them further if they need to.
This is Barbados and things on the island move at a different pace and in a different way. Remember, she had a police sketch artist draw the picture of the man she saw with Julie, and that could not have happened unless she came back to the station.
Page 19, I don't buy it. If he's that beat up, he shouldn't be out of bed. He isn't legally released. And also, if he goes MIA, wouldn't that look bad to the cops? So, Jack is in his muddy clothes? And they beat him up, but, left his wallet full of cash and credit cards? Like I said, don't really buy it.
You’re making a lot of assumptions here, Dan. At this point in the script, you have no idea how beat up he is, who beat him up, or what happened to land him here at all. As we later learn, Addinton is not pleased Jack left the hospital like he did, but as Dr. Sandiford says later, Jack was not being held and was free to do as he pleased.
Page 20 Kinda confused, Jules is pregnant for this trip right? I can understand why she wouldn't want to skinny dip with him... But, you never mention that, or have her look at her pregnant belly and sigh. These flashbacks really get confusing. When in time was this last one? She's clearly not happy with him.
No, Julie is definitely not pregnant…not sure why you would think that. If there’s no age given to the characters, the Flashback is simply a few days earlier, on the trip.
Page 22 when Julie calls him on the golf course. You might want to give some sort of emotional tell how Julie takes his 79 score. Does she care or is she placating him? That would go a long way into her mind frame. IF I had to guess, she paid to have herself abducted and beat him up b/c she isn't happy anymore. Lets see how close to the truth I come.
IMO, Julie’s reaction is very clear that she doesn’t really give a shit how Jack played, or what he’s doing. Your guess was obviously pretty far off, my friend. LOL.
Page 24, so that death was their son. I have to say, I don't understand how any marriage could survive the death of a child when one can't even recall that. I don't see how Jules could have gone through that alone.
Well, this marriage obviously didn’t survive, and in reality, Julie didn’t go through it alone, thus her affair.
Is this police work correctly researched? I mean, here in the states, they would have had all this information within hours. I don't know how many days it has been since they found him, but, it seems slow.
First of all, we’re talking about a little island in the Caribbean. More importantly, this is still the same day Jack was found at the car rental place, and only several hours have passed. I don’t know how much faster anything could really go, but again, we’re not in the states here. In reality, in the current time frame story, less than a whole day is all that takes place.
Page 81, you say Rawle lunges at Jack, who sidesteps his attack, and jumps on his back, arms wrapped tightly around his neck. I think the way you have it written, Rawle is the first his, meaning he is behind Jack with his arms wrapped around his neck. At least, that's how I understand it, the english language can be tough, I screw up all the time, but, I thought first mentioned automatically becomes the first his in the same sentence b/c you created a respectively chain.
Not crazy about the way you have the fight set up. I know fight scenes are really hard, and I'm not sure I can tell u how to make it better, but, it seems murky to me.
Sorry about that. I tried to make it as clear as possible. What is murky to you? What don’t you get?
page 88, why wouldn't they have taken Woody's car from earlier? I mean, he's a prime suspect as far as they know, his car was there, I don't know why they wouldn't have towed it away or put a boot on it or had a cop hide and wait with the car.
Again, this isn’t the states and they don’t have a huge force to work with. There are already several men working this case, and they don’t even know for sure if a crime has been committed. As Glenville says earlier, he actually had Woody awhile back but let him go with less than a slap on the wrist, as this is how they operate here.
I notice you have a lot of animals doing specific things. Again, they are unpredictable and I'd be careful, you don't have an expensive movie, well the cave scene looks expensive, but, you might want to tone it back.
As noted earlier, this is in no way intended to be a low budget script/movie.
Page 89, why would Woodie say Hello my little friend, do you want to play with woodie? Seems odd, actually the entire thing seems odd. You have this mystery hand, yet, we know that's the watch that Jack took off that wanna-be-thief.
Woodie is not a nice guy. He’s saying this to the monkey, and when he draws his knife, he’s obviously saying…or maybe joking, that he’s going to kill the monkey. The incomplete reveal on the killing arm is to see if you’ve paid attention, and it sounds like you have.
Wait, Jack and Mitch are hanging out, is that current, your flashbacks and odd way of doing stuff has me a bit lost. So, Jack didn't kill Woodie? It was Mitch?
Are Jack and Mitch hanging out? Not sure what you mean. If there isn’t a FLASHBACK, then it’s definitely current. Why are you saying you now think Mitch killed Woodie?
I hated the ending. I get the wrap up and the closure, but, we don't get to see Glenville set Julie free. The dragonfly needs to be here. I really enjoyed it up to the end.
Sorry to hear that, Dan. It was Addinton’s Mom who had the visions, and obviously, she was not correct, completely, but then again, that’s assuming that “setting Julie free” means she was still alive…maybe Julie’s soul was set free when Jack remembered and paid with his own life. The dragonfly is near the end, on Page 97.
Also I'm sure you checked the whole Mitch thing to make sure that no one else saw him or interacted with him. Since he's a figment of Jack's imagination, that's fine, but, what about the phone call at the beginning?
Mitch does not interact with anyone except Jack, but he’s not a figment of Jack’s imagination. I guess you didn’t quite get it…
I think instead of showing Jack and Mitch, you should show the love he had for Julie doing all those things, and when Jack and Julie get married, perhaps she looks at Mitch and that's why the tear rolls down her face. She loved both men, and both men loved her. A very sad triangle. Or show Julie with Mitch at times doing those things. There are a lot of things you can do, I just felt empty at the end b/c you tied up the beginning montage, but, it's meaningless b/c you didn't fulfill the promises that Glenville's mom had set up. Yes, he shot and killed Jack, but, Julie needs to be put to rest and set free.
The assumption when watching the beginning montage is that it is Jack and Julie, which makes the reveal in the ending montage that it was actually Jack and Mitch much more interesting…to me, at least. Again, you’re getting Addinton and Glenville mixed up for some reason. And it was Julie’s (and Mitch’s ) souls that needed to be set free, not their physical bodies.
I mean, is the story about betrayal or about a stone cold killer? You should have his wife in one of the montages at the end.
Really, it's about neither. Jack is not a stone cold killer - he was extremely wasted on coke and booze, he was messed up by the boys in the cave, and he himself messed up and wen't a little crazy when he saw Mitch with Julie. I wouldn't even say he intended to kill MItch...at first...and he definitely tried to save Julie, but when he saw she was dead and Mitch was all fucked up, again, he lost it, and committed the coldest of murders possible, which is why Mitch can't let him get away with it.
You have Jack as the main and he's so in love with Julie that he murders his best friend in cold blood, yet, you have his final thoughts be to his best friend, and not one thought on her. Add in the fact that I doubt the triangle truly started with the death of his son, and I think an "aha" moment where he realizes that his best friend was always too close to his wife could be really effective for the ending.
Again, yes, he definitely murdered Mitch in cold blood, but, it wasn't what he was intending and he wasn't in a rational state of mind when he did kill him. His final thoughts through the montage do include Julie, but again, he tried to save Julie..he killed Mitch, so his thoughts were of him, and of his guilt for doing what he did.
Thanks again, bro. Hope that makes sense. If you don't understand about Mitch not being a figment of Jack's imagination, let me know and I'll tell you what you missed.
So, Mitch was a ghost then? I went back and forth with that idea. You didn't have ghosts anywhere else in the story. Whether he's a ghost or its his soul crying out from beyond the grave.
I won't debate most of what you wrote, it's your story and your explanations are fine.
having never been to the island, I thought the monkeys were behind cages. Monkeys are very strong and at times ill-natured creatures. I thought they would have been too dangerous to have walk around freely.
I know you hate the slugs showing age and whatnot, but, you do A LOT of jumping around. It might make it easier for the reader and the director to have ages. Or have a "tell" that lets us know we are going in the past. I think sometimes, I got confused as to whether or not it was current, slightly past, really past (full 10 years) etc.
All I will say, the death of the child was the catalyst for the affair, but, it's never that cut and dry. There were most likely hints long before they entered into the affair.
You're story is good, very well planned, I just didn't think the payoff at the end didn't tie off all the loose ends. Why have the cop's mom have the visions if they aren't correct?
You also said something to the effect that if you cut out everything that didn't need to be, it wouldn't be long enough. Better to have 75 incredible pages then 120 so so pages, right?
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
Yes, Mitch was a ghost. For me, the give aways were the way he was able to manipulate certain things/items/etc. Also, when he was at Colina Del Mar, before jack got there, he did some coke, and said, "Damn, I'm gonna miss this". But the biggest giveaway was at the end, when his "spirit" vaporized down into his grave.
About Addinton's Mom's visions - you could say they were a red herring, or you could say they were a wild goose chase, but she was on her death bed, and she had a connection to this recent killing...somehow...hey...it's the movies, right? Set her free or set her soul free...could be one and the same.
As for the page count and having it all be "incredible", no, I disagree completely. Every script and movie has its own pace, and every script and movie should be at least 90 pages/90 minutes, IMO.
If you watch alot of movies and pay close attention, I think you'll see what I'm talking about. Or maybe, it's just my own personal opinion.
I prefer movies and rides where there's ups, downs, and plenty of downtime. Like skiing, where riding the lifts is 1/3 of the fun. Or playing golf, where in between shots, you have time to think and hang with your buds. Or riding a rollercoaster, where heading up the long hills may actually be more exciting than speeding down the big drops...without those "long, "boring" climbs, the drops don't have the same impact.
Thanks, bro. Let me know when you want me to look at some of your stuff.
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