Ahh, yes the Perfect Getaway is what I meant.

My god you are right, if your two scripts had sex that would be the result.

Yeah, that's what I thought.  My Fade was written a couple years before Getaway came out, but there are similarities for sure.

Of course, my script is much, much better, though.  

SPOILERS AHEAD ME HEARTIES!




This was a great script and a real fun read. It really drew me in and threw an awesome switch protag to antag (is that right?)
I love stuff that deals with memory, perception, things aint what they seem to be etc.
A unique setting and the relationship between Addington and Glenville was awesome and very beleivable.
You can tell you do a lot of research in your scripts and they are so much stronger and beleiveable for it.

Some of the sex and nudity wasn't necessary I thought and the attempted rape scene went a little too far, however, the juxtaposition of "paradise" setting versus such darkness (aformentioned attempted rape, drugs, sex etc) was not lost on me.
The caving scene went on a bit long but I can see that this was meant to be suspensful so the climax of that scene hit harder.



A couple of tricks that I hoped to see:
Loved the scenes with Addington's mother but was expecting a bigger link and a paranormal element because of her gift.
The death of the son I thought was going to be a bigger piece of the puzzle other than just the catalyst that destroyed their marriage. especially the way it was introduced at the end of a montage of happiness to the soundtrack of a beautiful song! (which was flippin' marvelous and really shocked me!)

I did think the end montage was a bit cheesy with hi fives, "aint life grand" and big smiles, read a bit like a chewing gum ad.
I know it was meant to link in with the opening montage so not sure what else could be done other than the activities being changed or something.
When Glenville says "Need to check my phone" I think is a bit unrealistic for a detective in the middle of a missing person case, instead he should notice he has a new message whilst getting busy!
Mitch and Julie get into a bit of unnecessary exposition about their relationship towards the end (flashback) when they say they are going to come clean but I can see it was trying to justify their affair so their murder was more shocking.


Great stuff as usual.

Daz

Quoted from darrentomalin This was a great script and a real fun read. It really drew me in and threw an awesome switch protag to antag (is that right?) I love stuff that deals with memory, perception, things aint what they seem to be etc. A unique setting and the relationship between Addinton and Glenville was awesome and very believable. You can tell you do a lot of research in your scripts and they are so much stronger and believable for it.

Thanks so much for reading and your feedback, Daz.  I really do appreciate it.  Glad this worked for you.  Really happy to hear that Addinton and Glenville worked for you as well, as some didn't seem to appreciate them. Addinton is definitely one of my favorite characters I've ever written.  I kind of see Morgan Freeman or the like playing him.  I really tried to give their relationship a touch of reality, and am thrilled to hear it worked for you.

Quoted from darrentomalin Some of the sex and nudity wasn't necessary I thought and the attempted rape scene went a little too far, however, the juxtaposition of "paradise" setting versus such darkness (aforementioned attempted rape, drugs, sex etc) was not lost on me.

A number of others have also not appreciated the sex/nudity scenes, and I'm still a bit surprised by that.  Maybe I'm a pervert, but I always appreciate some well done sex/nudity in an R rated movie.  I tried to provide such scenes in which the sex and nudity was a bit different than you're used to seeing.

Quoted from darrentomalin The caving scene went on a bit long but I can see that this was meant to be suspenseful so the climax of that scene hit harder.

Yeah, it definitely reads a bit long and I was worried about this scene as well as the Vegas scene, as they are "long" scenes for sure.  But, since both are very visually entertaining scenes and both contain alot of action, I decided to stick with them, pretty much as originally conceived.  Point taken, though.

Quoted from darrentomalin A couple of tricks that I hoped to see: Loved the scenes with Addinton's mother but was expecting a bigger link and a paranormal element because of her gift.

I'm glad you enjoyed Mrs. Harewood.  She's another character I really like, and actually wish I could have given her more screen time, but her role is twofold - to give more "character" to Addinton and to tie in the supernatural element of the dragonflies.  Many didn't quite get the actual twist here and I'm wondering if you are one of those.  Mitch was not a figment of Jack's imagination.  He was a ghost, and he was back to make sure that Jack didn't get away with his cold blooded murder.  Mrs. Harewood "sees" Julie in the hereafter, but not Mitch, as Mitch isn't there...he's here still, in a supernatural form.  The dragonflies are a tie in to this as well for a couple reasons.  First, dragonflies do have numerous otherworldly connections in myth and superstition, around the world. Also, when Jack buries Mitch, there's a dragonfly on the stone marker, which serves to kind of set the stage for the recurring dragonfly sightings throughout the script.

So, just to be clear, Mitch is a ghost and he is capable of doing all he does in Jack's presence, but no one else can see him.  Hope that makes sense and clears up any possible discrepancies.

Quoted from darrentomalin The death of the son I thought was going to be a bigger piece of the puzzle other than just the catalyst that destroyed their marriage. especially the way it was introduced at the end of a montage of happiness to the soundtrack of a beautiful song! (which was flippin' marvelous and really shocked me!)

Yeah, the death of Jack and Julie's son was definitely the catalyst of the destruction of their marriage, but it was also the catalyst for the downward spiral that Jack went into. He never really recovered or forgave himself for what happened.  He started drinking heavily, started in on coke again, and pretty much tuned out of life in general.

The early intro during the opening montage was merely to show that this wasn't going to be all happy memories.  Also, it's noted a few times that Jack completely blocked this out of his memory and it hasn't been discussed since.  So, while blocking out these new memories, this old one came rushing back, although blurry at first.

Hey, thanks for the compliment about the montage and song!  Love to hear that.  I really liked it as well, and it was the very first thing that I wrote for this script.

Quoted from darrentomalin I did think the end montage was a bit cheesy with hi fives, "aint life grand" and big smiles, read a bit like a chewing gum ad. I know it was meant to link in with the opening montage so not sure what else could be done other than the activities being changed or something.

Yep, the idea was to bookend the script with the same montage, only the opening one is fuzzy, without detail as to who's even involved, while the end is to provide clarity.  The hope was that readers (viewers?) would assume that all the events involve Jack and Julie, while in reality, it was mostly all Jack and Mitch.  Jack and Mitch were best friends since before college.  They remained best friends and did all sorts of cool shit together, thus making Mitch's cold blooded murder, that much more terrible.

And, BTW, Jack did not murder Julie.  He actually tried to save her with everything he had (which I hope is clearer in this final version that you read).  This is the main reason why she's not involved in the supernatural goings ons - she died accidentally, Mitch was killed in the coldest of blood, and had to come back to set things straight.

Quoted from darrentomalin When Glenville says "Need to check my phone" I think is a bit unrealistic for a detective in the middle of a missing person case, instead he should notice he has a new message whilst getting busy!

Not sure where that is exactly, but I hear what you're saying.  Keep in mind that there really isn't any crime at this point (that they are aware of) and it is Barbados, and life is very different there.

Quoted from darrentomalin Mitch and Julie get into a bit of unnecessary exposition about their relationship towards the end (flashback) when they say they are going to come clean but I can see it was trying to justify their affair so their murder was more shocking.

Yeah, I thought I really needed to make things as clear as I could as to their relationship both past and current.  And the reality of the situation is that if they had come clean at an appropriate time, it would have been worked out, most likely, as they were the closest of friends.  Not sure if you caught this or not, but Mitch and Julie were a couple long before Jack and Julie hooked up.  So there is quite a bit of history
there, and a friendship that never should have ended.  Mitch even says to Jack, "I love you man, I'm so sorry...", as he's lying at the bottom of the gorge with a broken back, after Jack just attacked him.  Under "normal" conditions, all could be forgiven, but Jack was completely wasted, fucked up from the cave incident, and not in his right mind in any way.

Thanks again for reading, Daz.  Take care, man.

Hey Jeff
I think I missed the ghost thing, my take was that Jack had lost the plot through grief, drugs, being a nutter and Mitch was haunting him in his imagination, a figment. That's why I perceived the paranormal theme as minimal, thinking it was more psychological.

I got that Jack tried to save Julie. But then I wondered if you wrote it so that you could read that he suddenly had a change of mind and LET her slip from his grasp.
Just the way my mind works lol.

Morgan Freeman - yes.

Daz

OK, Darren, you've just helped me then.  I'm going to have to change the line near the end,

"Jack looks to where Mitch was standing, but he's alone."

and make it completely clear that Mitch was indeed a ghost, or a "paranormal entity".  

There are a number of things that Mitch "does" that exclude him merely being a figment of Jack's imagination, but for some reason, it's not coming through very clearly.

Thanks again!

cool mate.

Though I quite like ambiguity where people can make their own minds up or have different ways of translating a piece.

(my WIP I was telling you about has guilt as its main theme so not as similiar to yours as I had feared!)

Quoted from Dreamscale I'm glad you enjoyed Mrs. Harewood.  She's another character I really like, and actually wish I could have given her more screen time, but her role is twofold - to give more "character" to Addinton and to tie in the supernatural element of the dragonflies.  Many didn't quite get the actual twist here and I'm wondering if you are one of those.  Mitch was not a figment of Jack's imagination.  He was a ghost, and he was back to make sure that Jack didn't get away with his cold blooded murder.  Mrs. Harewood "sees" Julie in the hereafter, but not Mitch, as Mitch isn't there...he's here still, in a supernatural form.  The dragonflies are a tie in to this as well for a couple reasons.  First, dragonflies do have numerous otherworldly connections in myth and superstition, around the world. Also, when Jack buries Mitch, there's a dragonfly on the stone marker, which serves to kind of set the stage for the recurring dragonfly sightings throughout the script.

...which proves that there's a lot more to Jeff than meets the eye.  

Jeff, just checking in on the thread again to say hello and I haven't read all your scripts, but to me, this one you hit out of the park. Yes, you did make me cry in this one.

Now, as to the dragonflies...

This morning Dave called me out after he had already "almost" left for work to see a cricket because he thought I'd never seen one before. Well, you know he was right. We've been together for how long? (When I have to start counting on my fingers...) Thirty-four years. Yes. And hopefully we'll have another thirty-four.

Anyway, Jeff. You know I take note of all the little details in life. So I really think you did a good job on that aspect. But you know, I don't think it was contrived at all. I felt it. That's what makes it so real and right to me.

Good on you for that. High marks to you. You deserve them.

Sandra

Daren, you are digging up some good ones, I'll give you that. I must have joined SS shortly after this drifted off.

For me the great aspect was pace and being understandable. The read was easy and you wanted to know what was next.

SPOILERS

The issues around the ghost, Mitch, the boys death (the hit and run needed clarifying) etc etc all seem easily resolvable.

As for Jack, I did like him. He tries hard, he's honest (at the beginning) he cares for julie and has suffered great misfortune. The twist that he was the killer was strong, but, now that he is revisiting this ( ie at the end) to me it appears a chance for him to resolve his sin, for want of a better phrase. But instead he kills somewhat unnecessarily at the end. May be I like happier endings, but there seemed the chance to find resolution and in effect reunited the three again. Just a thought.

Otherwise a good read. Cheers.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. ...which proves that there's a lot more to Jeff than meets the eye.

There's alot of Jeff that does meet the eye as well, Sandra, as I'm in abysmal shape these days and way over fighting weight!

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Jeff, just checking in on the thread again to say hello and I haven't read all your scripts, but to me, this one you hit out of the park. Yes, you did make me cry in this one.

Thank you, Sandra.  That really makes me feel great, and going through very tough times as of late, it means alot to me...it really does!

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Anyway, Jeff. You know I take note of all the little details in life. So I really think you did a good job on that aspect. But you know, I don't think it was contrived at all. I felt it. That's what makes it so real and right to me. Good on you for that. High marks to you. You deserve them.

Thank you.  I also really liked the supernatural aspect to this.  Although the script was written and conceived in about 5 1/2 weeks, the story itself went through a number of changes in the beginning.  Originally, there was nothing remotely supernatural about it.  At teh time of conception, I was taking alot of hikes around a cool place called Seward Park, in Seattle.  It would rain alot and many times, I'd be the only one on the trails, so it gave me lots of time to think.  I was in the interior of the park, one day, by myself, and it was lightly raining.  I turned down a smaller, thicker trail, and came face to face with a big old dragonfly.  I stopped, and the 2 of us just stared at each other for probably well over a minute.  As I started up again, it hit me, and the script took a massive change from that point on.

Thanks for checking in, Sandra.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer For me the great aspect was pace and being understandable. The read was easy and you wanted to know what was next.

Hey Reef, thanks for the read. Glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer The issues around the ghost, Mitch, the boys death (the hit and run needed clarifying) etc etc all seem easily resolvable.

Yeah, I'm beginning to see this and based on Daz's feedback, I made a major adjustment that comes out and makes it clear that Mitch was indeed a ghost all this time.

As for Jimmy's death, I don't see what needs clarifying or fixing.  I think it's laid out pretty clearly in the Flashback where Jack tells Addinton and Glenville.  There are also a few other places where it's said that Jack blocked it out of his mind and things went downhill form there.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer As for Jack, I did like him. He tries hard, he's honest (at the beginning) he cares for julie and has suffered great misfortune. The twist that he was the killer was strong, but, now that he is revisiting this ( ie at the end) to me it appears a chance for him to resolve his sin, for want of a better phrase. But instead he kills somewhat unnecessarily at the end. May be I like happier endings, but there seemed the chance to find resolution and in effect reunited the three again. Just a thought.

This is great to hear.  Thanks.  So many peeps don't like Jack and seem to have trouble rooting for him.  IMO, he's definitely not a bad guy, or at least wasn't.  He has gone through great tragedy and hasn't handled it well, but he is trying for sure.

What takes him over the edge in the end is a combination of things and events that spiraled out of his control and at the very end, I think it's safe to conclude that he's lost it and gone nuts.  The heavy drinking and coke binge is one thing, but the beating he took in the cave combined with what he witnesses when he sees Julie and Mitch together is just too much.  After attacking Mitch and knocking him over the ledge, he comes to his senses briefly and tries to save Julie (I have a feeling you read an older draft, in which that may not have been clear), but when she falls to her death, he completely loses it, and kills Mitch in the coldest of blood possible.

The revelation of what actually transpired (when Mitch reveals himself to be a ghost) once again, sends him off the deep end and at this point, in the present time end, he resorts to survival mode and tries to kill Addinton and Glevville.  He's definitely whacked beyond repair at this point, and probably a good thing he gets killed himself.

Thanks again, Reef.  If there's anything you'd like me to look at of yours, let me know.

Take care!

DS thanks for the further detail. You have had so much on this I wasn't going to respond but I did have two things to share.

BOY - my issue here was that it felt part of a mystery that wasn't ever resolved. Why did he drive off. To me Jack could still struggle with a normal accident. The driver was known, but he wasn't charged with anything because it was an accident, something that Jack struggles with because of the scale of his loss. Surely someone should be punished, which of course is Jack. The advantage of this is that it is clear and leaves no "why". I do appreciate that some un resolved elements can help but should a mystery remain?

It is a small point, but I kept thinking of it during the read wondering whether this would pop up and be explained.

JACK death - just an idea. To me it read like he had forgotten and with Mitch helping he began to remember. This struck me as different to the act act which is angry, vicious etc. Now he is looking at what he did. It could therefore be more reflective. The oh no what have a done feeling. Further he has no reason to live, as he has lost his wife and friend, so why be angry and in killing mode?

So  whilst reading I was almost expecting a change in the tone, the flow, when he would realise, go into acceptance and the outcome change accordingly. I agree he has to die, but maybe Woodie could do this ( a further change i accept) as he is confessing and regreting, thereby resolving the trilogy of relationships returning in the eye of the viewer back to the three friendships. Maybe three dragonflies. OK, OK I accept it is a bit Disney but it also feels true to the emotional flow of regret and loss.

Cheers.

Hey Reef, I do enjoy a good discussion on scripts, so your feedback and comments are important to me.

I tend to write rather dark, unhappy stories, and although there are many "happy" times in this script, and even the final resolution has some happy things - Addinton and Glenville both living, I definitely wanted to end things on a rather dark note.

I think it comes down to how you perceive Jack, as to how you're going to feel about the ending.  It is sad in many ways how things played out and how 3 lives were lost when in reality, no one should have died.  But, in that same respect, Jack did go through a number of different feelings and realizations in his final 2 days alive.  In the very end, as he's lying there on the forest floor, dying, he does understand exactly what happened and what he did.

His final line, "I remember now." is actually a shout out to what I believe is the single greatest recording of all time, Queensryche's "Operation Mindcrime".  The Protag/Antag in that concept rock opera remembers what he did, and the sins he committed in the name of something he knew nothing about.  Quite great shit, if you ask me.

As for Jimmy's death, it's handled as a mere Flashback, and isn't explored in any depth or detail.  Teh fact that someone accidentally killed him in a hit and run, and never stopped or was found, only serves to drive Jack into further depths of depression, regret, and the fact that it was he who left the door open, so Jimmy could get outside.

Again, thanks for the great insight.  Much obliged.

Hey Jeff,

Sorry for the delay man but I have purposely left this for the weekend to give it a proper, undisturbed read.

I made it past three pages so that’s a start right. Anyway, I haven’t bothered reading through the old comments as there is too many and you said this was an update or rewrite so I’m guessing its changed overtime and to be honest, I want to come in fresh on this one.

For starters, to have written this in seven weeks is a damn impressive effort and you should be proud of that. The writing is impressive, some descriptions are fantastically done and lots of white space which is always nice to read.  I was struggling to find things to point out and I really tried hard honestly but will note the things that didn’t work for me personally later.

I will start with the flashbacks and I understand they were vital to the structure of this but there was way too many IMO. The first few threw me totally off course and took me away from the story. For example, why show a flashback scene of them arriving at Corbin’s car rentals? It feels unnecessary as this will be explained in the next scene.

The Vegas flashback was a fantastically set scene and good on its own merits but what did it have to do with the current story? Yeah it explains a bit more of the Mitch and Jack relationship but we read about their close relationship through dialogue later on. This flashback felt superfluous to me.

The cave flashback was also a really good scene with lots of tension and some nicely written action but it went on a tad too long IMO.

I understand flashbacks will look better on screen than on paper but for me there were too many little ones at the beginning  which affected the read for me.

I forgot to mention the montage at the beginning, I’m not too sure about montages but I did like yours and it worked for me so good job with that because they can be very hard to pull off.

The characters were generally well done, thought the Glenville and Shauntee side story was pointless, it served no purpose and took me away from the action.

Addinton was a good character and I enjoyed the scenes with his mum which was a nice, dramatic and quite touching side story. I personally didn’t like the dragonfly reference throughout but understand why you did it so am not complaining, just not my thing.

Mitch was a dick, no doubt about it but I think this is what you wanted the reader to think of him, I knew almost immediately he was having an affair with Julie. He had to be there for a reason and that is the most logical conclusion so well done for the ending when we find out the revelation. A nice misdirection shall we say.

Julie was undeveloped IMO, she came across as a right bitch which is maybe what you wanted but I would have liked to see more drama scenes from her, especially dealing with the death of her son, Jimmy.  It’s just with all the flashbacks involving her, I never felt I learnt much about her.

Jack was certainly my main gripe, the reason being that that only did he come across as somebody I didn’t like in a main protagonist which isn’t that important but also there seemed to be no urgency in his character. His wife is missing and he finds the time to get wasted on vodka and coke. Why isn’t he out there looking for her, interrogating people, chasing down the leads he finds from his memory? He just seems to want to rub his temples all day.

Woodie was a good well crafted character, didn’t have a lot to do but I enjoyed what little he had. He added some shadiness which kept me second guessing about him.

I enjoyed all the descriptions throughout the script, your level of detail is refreshing and it doesn’t feel like you’ve over described anything which can be very common in scripts. I can tell you have done a lot of research about the area which is a fantastic achievement, especially in the short time you had to come up with an idea and get it down on paper.

Here are a few things I noticed:

Page 8: Julie “You’re funny...But I love you” Very corny and on the nose.

Page 11: Coop! Great name!

Page 12: Another flashback here and there had been too many by this point IMO which took me away from the story.

Page 18: Insert flyer, Should Nailah’s dialogue be (O.S) as we’re supposed to be looking at the flyer?

Page 20: The short scene with Jack after he speaks to Mitch on the phone could be taken out IMO. You describe him getting out of bed and getting dressed, skipping straight to the taxi might be better.

20: WENDELL, 50’s, Bajan, drives. Take out the Bajan in the wrylie “thick Bajan accent” We know he’s gonna have a Bajan accent surely?

In fact, the whole cab scene could be cut and go straight to the beach resort. Just a thought.

EDIT: I see you did wrylie’s a lot for “thick Bajan accent” for a lot of the characters, are they all necessary after the first few? More of a question really?

Page 22: I want to mention about the Dover beach description, which was brilliant and set a great visual in my head. Good work!

22: Should “beach goers” be capitalised?

We randomly went to a flashback at the golf club; it might work better if Jack see’s somebody in golf attire at the tiki bar or a bag of clubs to push this flashback on.

22: Only two periods in an ellipsis in Julie’s dialogue on this page. Now that’s being picky.

Page 30: Alexis “You wanna eat my baby pussy” Though I laughed , it doesn’t read right man! Did you mean “Pussy baby”

Page 31: Now this is a personal preference but I would have put a period in front of the gun description, instead of 38 caliber handgun, “.38 caliber handgun”

Page 34:  Mrs. Harewood “She was standing with your father...looked like she just got there” I’m guessing she means Julie and this has killed some of the mystery as to whether she is dead or not? Guess I will find out as I read on.

34:  Dr. Sandiford stands.

DR. SANDIFORD
Gentlemen, in my professional opinion
I believe Jack is being completely
honest with us. He genuinely doesn't
know what happened. We see this
type of thing occasionally.

GLENVILLE
You see patients just take off like
this?

Sandiford smiles, stands.

Sandiford stands twice in this scene?

Page 39: Okay, when Addinton and Gelnville are in the car, Glenville is driving but when they arrived at the beach resort, the passenger door opened and Glenville steps out? Did they stop on route and change driver? Just seems strange.

Page 42: I would rework the scene when they talk about Jimmy, this feels like it should be more than it is at the moment, like it’s skipped over or something. This scene just feels like it should have more emotion.

Page 46:Addinton “Ah, the plot thickens” This line doesn’t work for me, it feels out of place and should be a Pink Panther movie with Peter Sellars.

Page 84: Windmill’s Jack in the side of the head. What’s a windmill?

Page 89: If Woodie knew Jack’s mobile number, why wait so long to ring him?

Page 91: Orlando “Addinton, come over here, quick” The reason I point this out is that Orlando has called him “sir” throughout and suddenly changes to his first name? I would keep it to “sir” for consistency.

Page 95: “Pulls out his Driver” Just wondered why the “d” is capitalised in driver? I wasn’t sure why? You capitalise it three more times but not on page 99. Just curious is all?  

Jeff,

I was very impressed with the writing, your technique, grammar and plot structure are all there for all to see on the pages, and you have talent no doubt. I will be honest and say that reading this will only help me with my own craft so if is all I took from this, it was worth it.

But that’s not all I took away because I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, it was a clean fast read and a story which I would easily see being filmed. The first act was slow but well paced with great dialogue and location descriptions which set me up for the second act which was faster paced with a good ending which I never saw coming. It could be improved of course but what couldn’t? I personally would cut down on the flashbacks but that’s a newbie’s opinion so take it as it is.

A fine piece of work, thanks for giving me the updated version to read, it’s much appreciated.

Hope that after over 140 comments from others, mine can still be helpful in some way.

Good work Jeff.

Steve

Hey Steve, thanks so much for the read and detailed, helpful analysis.  Being a perfectionist, I always appreciate when people find mistakes I made...and I immediately thank them and make the changes.

I also enjoy a good discussion about stuff and feel I owe anyone who spends a substantial amount of time on my writing, to reply in detail with my thoughts...so...here goes – looks like my responses are going to take 2 posts, so I apologize in advance, but wanted to address all of your well thought out feedback.

Quoted from CoopBazinga For starters, to have written this in seven weeks is a damn impressive effort and you should be proud of that. The writing is impressive, some descriptions are fantastically done and lots of white space which is always nice to read.  I was struggling to find things to point out and I really tried hard honestly but will note the things that didn’t work for me personally later.

Thanks, man.  I do appreciate that.  I am a stickler for details and would never post anything until I'm happy with it.  I was very worried about being able to complete this challenge, and actually got off to a slow start, but once it started happening (as I've detailed in previous posts, it went very smoothly.  I finished in about 5 1/2 weeks and spent the final week and a 1/2 just checking for errors and the like.  All in all, I was very pleased with it, and I'm glad you seemed to enjoy it.

Quoted from CoopBazinga I will start with the flashbacks and I understand they were vital to the structure of this but there was way too many IMO. The first few threw me totally off course and took me away from the story. For example, why show a flashback scene of them arriving at Corbin’s car rentals? It feels unnecessary as this will be explained in the next scene.

You're definitely not alone in this.  Most have said exactly the same thing, but as I've said so many times, once you "get used to the fact that this is an alternate, non standard structure, told through Flashbacks, IMO, at least, it should be pretty easy to not only follow along, but also get into the flow and feel of the way it's meant to be.

In a filmed version, I don't feel it would be at all jarring, as with visuals that we're going into another Flashback, it should be easy to follow and understand.  And, to take it a step further, IMO, this type of story can only be told with Flashbacks, but again, this was what I was going after here, and do understand it's far from standard structure or storytelling, as we're basically following along with 2 sets of time-lines - the present, and the past, as seen through Jack's memories - and from his POV, as well.

Quoted from CoopBazinga The Vegas flashback was a fantastically set scene and good on its own merits but what did it have to do with the current story? Yeah it explains a bit more of the Mitch and Jack relationship but we read about their close relationship through dialogue later on. This flashback felt superfluous to me.

Again, you're not alone here, Steve.  At this stage in the script, I felt I needed to "spice things up" a bit, and also change the setting.  This rather long set of scenes (and yeah, I was actually worried about the length here as I wrote it and even after I finished with it) serves several important aspects IMO.  First of all, it's the first and only detailed scene(s) in which we get to see Jack and Mitch together - and their relationship is key to everything that goes on here.  It also shows how both of them act and react to tough and dangerous situations - in a way foreshadowing Jack's actions and reactions in the cave scene much later on.  Also, I thought it was important to show the the watches they each got, which plays a rather important, but most likely overlooked aspect to the final scene's lead in.  And finally, I wanted to get some good R rated nudity and sex on screen as soon as I could, although most do not seem to appreciate it anyways.

Quoted from CoopBazinga The cave flashback was also a really good scene with lots of tension and some nicely written action but it went on a tad too long IMO.

Yep, again, most agree with you here.  And I too was worried with both of these scenes in that they were both rather long, compared to the pace of the rest of the script.  But, IMO, these are 2 of the 3 "set-piece" scenes (the other being the climax, final scene(s).  I think the visuals and unique setting here would make this group of scenes run much faster (in the viewer's eyes) than you'd think, and that it seems to on the page.  In reality, it's about 12 pages long, but is made up of several different scenes, in different unique locations, with different characters interacting with each other, culminating in a 4 or so minute intense fight scene that really is the crux of how Jack got to look the way he did in the very opening scene (and why/how the climax of the mystery went down the way it did).

Quoted from CoopBazinga I understand flashbacks will look better on screen than on paper but for me there were too many little ones at the beginning  which affected the read for me.

I hear ya...I really do, and all I can say is that, again, I went for something non standard, and because of that, it's going to "feel" different from what you're used to reading, and probably seeing, but in reality, there are several movies that use a shitload of Flashbacks and out of place scenes that have been rather successful.

Quoted from CoopBazinga I forgot to mention the montage at the beginning, I’m not too sure about montages but I did like yours and it worked for me so good job with that because they can be very hard to pull off.

Yeah, me too!     Again, I was very worried about starting off this way, especially with the exact song, but it just felt right and once things started rolling, I was very happy that I went that way...and finished that way.

Quoted from CoopBazinga The characters were generally well done, thought the Glenville and Shauntee side story was pointless, it served no purpose and took me away from the action.

Damn, Steve...and damn everyone else who said the same thing!     I just totally disagree, as I've said so many times already.  To me, Shauntee is such a cool character.  She's funny, cool, SEXY, and provides a recurring plot point (in dialogue) with a number of other characters, great R rated T&A, good character depth to Glenville outside of the plot at hand, and the reason why Glenville isn't with Addinton in the climax, when he should have been.  Yeah, I know, there's lots of other ways to attain all this, but for me, she works well, and serves her purpose exactly like I wanted her to.  It really surprises me so many don't like her and feel she's superfluous.  Oh well, looks like I'm in the vast minority here.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Addinton was a good character and I enjoyed the scenes with his mum which was a nice, dramatic and quite touching side story. I personally didn’t like the dragonfly reference throughout but understand why you did it so am not complaining, just not my thing.

Yep, cool.  I understand.  Addinton and his mum are 2 characters I really enjoyed writing.  I also like the dragonflies but understand how some won't.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Mitch was a dick, no doubt about it but I think this is what you wanted the reader to think of him, I knew almost immediately he was having an affair with Julie. He had to be there for a reason and that is the most logical conclusion so well done for the ending when we find out the revelation. A nice misdirection shall we say.

Yep, exactly.  But, IMO, Coop's not a total dick, but I can easily see how most would think so.  And, yeah, my intent was not to conceal that fact that it was him who Julie was fucking around with.  Glad the twist worked for you.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Julie was undeveloped IMO, she came across as a right bitch which is maybe what you wanted but I would have liked to see more drama scenes from her, especially dealing with the death of her son, Jimmy.  It’s just with all the flashbacks involving her, I never felt I learnt much about her.

Well, yes and no.  I really didn't want her to be a total beeyatch, but I did purposely leave her ambiguous and you never actually see her in the present time line, and she is what the "mystery" is all about...so, I wanted to leave her out of any real detailed scenes, involving her, until the very end reveal.  Again, very non standard structure, but what I was after.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Jack was certainly my main gripe, the reason being that that only did he come across as somebody I didn’t like in a main protagonist which isn’t that important but also there seemed to be no urgency in his character. His wife is missing and he finds the time to get wasted on vodka and coke. Why isn’t he out there looking for her, interrogating people, chasing down the leads he finds from his memory? He just seems to want to rub his temples all day.

Yep, again, you're not alone here. But keep in mind that the present time line takes place over a single day, much of which is taken up with Jack in the hospital, and in bad shape.  But, also, keep in mind that maybe Jack was aware of what went down deep inside and knew there was nothing he could do, but incriminate himself.  Then again, what could he realistically accomplish in such a short period of time?