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I must say I really enjoyed this one and I think you’ve done a fantastic job for seven weeks. I don’t normally make notes for mistakes, especially for first drafts, but I only found one or two so I noted them.
SPOILERS
Things really kicked off from the cave scenes onwards (my favorite scene!) and I was flying through the pages from then on. The first half, I found a little stop-start in places, particularly the Vegas flashbacks. Every flashback in the first 70 odd pages are short and snappy, Vegas dragged a bit too much for my liking.
The twist with Mitch was nicely done. I was trying to guess as I was reading, and I had Glenville down as the possible killer, only because you were giving him a lot more screen time than a character like this normally gets. I does leave some problems, like how does a ghost make phone calls or snort lines of coke. Maybe Jack could remember Mitch in a flashback and then call him, so it’s not the ghost making the calls? Actually, it doesn’t really matter as you could risk giving the twist away.
The best thing about this for me, is that all the characters are REAL. They all have their lives, their problems... no perfect action heroes saving the missing girl. Jack worked perfectly for me. Julie, maybe she could be a little more likable as she is the missing girl the story revolves around. Woodie was interesting and the two cops had stories to give them some life.
The Dragonfly was a nice touch. I didn’t like Addinton’s mum spoiling the surprise on whether Julie was missing or actually dead. Maybe she could be less specific so we could think there is still a chance Jack could find her alive?
Dialogue was good. One or two instance were odd, but that’s to be expected. I’m no expert on how people from the Caribbean talk, but it sounded authentic enough for me. On page 36, I noted “Oh fuck! Son of a fuckin' whore bitch cunt!”. That felt really out of place and sounded like a character on South Park with tourettes. I would tone that back a little. On the other hand, Mitch on page 58, “Little skinny, ugly motherfucker? Missing a bunch of teeth?”, that was great and brought a laugh.
The opening and ending montage worked for me, too. I don’t see the problem opening with something like that. Countless movies do it.
A few notes...
p22 - Missing a (V.O.) for Julie in the phone conversation.
p34 - GLENVILLE - "You see patients just take off like this" - missing a question mark.
p39 -ADDINTON - "Can you tell us about Jimmy." - should be a question mark.
p67 - Uncapped characters? NOOOOOOO!!!! I'll let you off with it this time since it's a first draft done within 7 weeks.
I can’t think of anymore to say, if I do, I’ll post later. Good story, great characters and amazing visuals. You did a great job with this, it’s baffling how you wrote it in 7 weeks. Well done!
I intended to finish the script yesterday, but we were to busy at work and then Friday night happened and then there was a fight…I was in it...
Anyway, I read the first 25 pages or so yesterday and I was really impressed. I was thinking to myself that you did an excellent job for such a short amount of time to write it. I liked the beginning. I liked the setting and I liked the characters. Today when I continued, I have to be honest, the script didn't fulfill the promise of the beginning.
I liked that you had Jack's story being revealed bit by bit in tandem with the present story. However, I think if you cut all the stuff that isn't needed in this script I think you would have a much shorter script in your hands. That can be easily fixed though by developing character better.
This is IMHO a dialogue heavy script. It doesn't bother me "that" much because your dialogue is pretty good. You always do good on that. There's just way too much of it and a lot of it doesn't lead to anything or add to the story. I would even say that this story is told mostly in dialogue. If you think about it. There isn't really that much action in this script. Just because the characters move back and forth from a hospital, to a resort, a villa, a police station doesn't mean the story is told visually if the characters are still telling us everything. Does that make sense or am I being hard to understand again? I have a hard time explaining myself sometime. Btw, that doesn't mean that I didn't notice the chase scenes.
There are also a LOT of flashbacks. Flashbacks are needed to tell the real story here, but they are far too many and far too long. I think quick little flashes would add a lot more mystery to this script than the long flashbacks you have now. They also seem to come to Jack rather easily…
My biggest issue with this script however was the characters. Biggest problem was Jack. I immediately liked him and could sympathize/empathize with him. How horrible to lose your little kid. A parent's worst nightmare. Then he wakes up all beaten in Barbados with his wife missing. You had me there Jeff. Great stuff! Seriously. Then you go ahead and ruin that by making him a complete ass and bad guy. The first slap in the face for me came in the Vegas Flashback when he has sex with the "pro" and does coke right before he's about to get married….not to mention stealing the other guys watches. Am I supposed to cheer that? My view of him there changed right away. After that he continuously does things that makes me like him less and less up until the final blow at the end. Starting when he stabs Addinton. At that point I wished he would die. That's not a good feeling you want an audience to have about the main character that we have spent so much time rooting for. I think Jack's character is something you absolutely have to address first. I would suggest that he remains the nice guy throughout. Someone who was screwed by his best friend and wife and on top of that lost his son. Stick with that and you will have us cheer for him all the way.
We don't really know Julie. She seems like a bitch if you ask me. There are some moments where she could possibly be likable, but not very often. She also cheats on her husband with his best friend so my sympathy for her is nowhere. Yes, she lost her son too, but she doesn't seem to worry to much about that. I guess it's hard to tell a story about a dead person, but I definitely think you need to work on some more characterization for her. Doesn't mean you have to show her more in those flashbacks, but maybe Jack can talk endearingly about her or something. Right now I don't care about her at all.
Mitch Cooper…sounds very familiar to me. Have you used him before in a script? Anyway, I sensed something wrong with him right away. Tone that down a little so the lover reveal will be an actual surprise. Btw, didn't he get all smashed up in the face when Julie died? Where are his injuries the day after?
Addinton was good and I liked him. However, the whole thing with his mother slowed things down for me. I'm sure you wanted to have the dragonfly in there and that's fine, but please cut the scenes with her down. Get rid of the others that come to visit her.
Glenville, okay I guess. I would leave his ventures with Shauntee as something just hinted at. The whole sex/swim part felt like nothing. Why? Because he's not the main character so I don't really care. It doesn't really lead to anything either other than he comes a tad late to the Gully.
Not sure what to think about Woodie. Had a hard time picturing him somehow. Sometimes he seemed like a slick dealer/bad person and at other times he seemed like a bum.
The story you have Jeff, is good. You just need to stick to what you set up in the beginning. Skip all unnecessary dialogue and scenes. Be brutal. Edit with a chainsaw then fill the script up again with characters that we can care about. Even if they are bad people.
Why did Jack insist so strongly that they had to go into the caves? That seemed very forced to me.
Final thought, excellent work for just a few weeks of writing!! You should push yourself to write more…maybe read less here.
Hey James, thanks so much for reading and feedback. I really enjoy reading your commentary on movies and scripts, as you come up with a lot of things others don’t think of, or even consider. Sorry for the late response, but this was opening week for the NFL, and a lot was going down.
Glad you liked it. Yeah, you know I like to infuse as much reality as I can into a script through both product placement and real locales.
I’m not familiar with Blood Simple. I see it‘s a Coen film. Interesting. As others have correctly noted, I do like my mundane simplicity setups, and I do like taking them as far as I can…and, I do enjoy putting a non standard structure spin on them to top it all off.
Cool, I’m thrilled you liked the characters and saw that they were purposely flawed. Exactly what I was after. My take on them, though, is that they aren’t all completely unlikable, they all make mistakes, do things they shouldn’t, and tend to look out for #1 more than others, but they’re not bad people…all the time, at least..
Mitch did think things could be worked out between the 3 of them…and they probably actually could have been, if things went down a little differently. There is a line of dialogue near the end where Julie says something to Mitch about it being them before it was Jack and her, and it’s like a crazy circle. The deal is that Mitch and Julie were a serious item throughout college, and then broke up, and Jack moved in, and they got married. They remained friends ever since and there wasn’t any issue about what was going on before. So, I don’t know, I guess it all depends on where you stand on such situations. My best friend hit on my girlfriend when I went on vacation, when we were kids, and we laugh about it to this day. He also purposely walked in when he knew my ex wife was taking a shower, even though I had literally told him minutes before to stay away. We’ve always been so close, those types of things actually don’t even bother us (it’s actually quite funny, in many ways), and I routinely remind him that one of these days, I’ll be repaying him for those 2 things (as well as a bunch of others), and it will involve his wife.
James, you’ve hit the nail squarely on the head here for me, and I agree with you 100% about characters needing to be interesting, not needing to be likeable. Others do not seem to agree, and it always surprises me. As long as a character is interesting and his actions make sense within his character, whether or not he’s the best guy, doesn’t matter. There are so many unlikable characters that are loved. It’s a great point and I’m really glad you brought that up.
As to the grief period, remember, Jimmy’s death took place 3 years ago, and we don’t really “see” any scenes right afterwards. Jack doesn’t like discussing Jimmy’s death…at all. It’s been an “off limits” topic since it went down, which is probably why he never recovered from it, and turned into such an ass. I will relook at the scene where Jack tells Addinton the details and see if I can make it come across a little better.
You are dead on about the Flashbacks. At first, they do come randomly, and they aren’t even in chronological order, but later in the script, they start to pop up due to exact things, as you mentioned. Glad the flow worked for you. I think it would flow even better onscreen, and not be as disjointed as some feel.
Thanks for the compliments on the dialogue. You’re preaching to the choir, here, James. I think you know how much I enjoy meaningless banter in dialogue heavy scripts/films.
Cool, glad you liked the cave scene…I do too! I was looking so forward to writing it, and I remember each day getting closer and closer to where it was going to be, and getting more and more excited. It flowed out pretty well and turned out to be longer than I actually planned. I do always try and give the story and characters life outside the story at hand. Appreciate the fact that you see this, James. Thanks.
The supernatural elements have actually gone over better than I anticipated. Some like the info that Julie is “in limbo” while others feel it gives too much away and allows the reader to “know” Julie is actually dead. I’m not 100% sure yet, which way to take it, but there is a line of dialogue I’ll be removing that Ryan brought up.
The twist, to me, is the fact that Mitch is dead all along. The fact that he was “the other man” is not supposed to be a shock or surprise. I’m surprised you’re luke warm to the reveal. I assumed it would be a love/hate kind of thing.
Really happy to hear the bookended montages worked for you. I’ve had a few that don’t understand their relevance and I’ve tried to explain it, but I’m not sure I’m going about it in the right way. I guess it’s a kind of either you get it or don’t thing.
Thanks again for the detailed feedback, James. Your opinion is important t me and your insight is unique. Thanks again!
Howdy, Brian, thanks for the read and review. Glad you liked this script.
Yeah, you’re not alone in feeling the Vegas Flashback is a tad long. I thought the same thing when I wrote it, but there were just a bunch of things I wanted to get across and I didn’t want to go back to it. I’ll see what I can do to trim it, but I think I need all of it in 1 way or another, to make it work.
Cool, glad the twist worked and you were unable to pick the culprit. As I’ve said before about Mitch, or ghosts in general, IMO, they can do whatever their creator decides they can do. I’ve seen plenty of scripts/movies where ghosts make phone calls (you don’t actually see the ghost on the phone, as you don’t here either, but it’s revealed from the person receiving the call – and usually, you know it’s a ghost immediately, but here, obviously, you don’t find out until after the fact).
Awesome! Exactly what I love to hear. Thank you, Brian. I try so hard to make my characters real. And to me, real characters have flaws…sometimes, glaring flaws that dictate their path…and fate. I am planning on adding 1 or 2 additional Flashbacks that will show the sweeter side of Jack and Julie. I think that should help.
Glad you liked the dragonfly stuff. My girlfriend was giving me shit about it early on, then warmed to it, but then said I had way too many instances where it appeared – I agreed with her, and cut out 3 scenes, so now it only appears a total of 6 times (I think). Addinton’s Mum’s line about Julie being dead is already gone. A few others said the same thing you’re saying, but the James said he actually liked it in there. I have to agree it’s a potential early reveal that shouldn’t be in here.
Great! Glad the dialogue worked. It’s another area I take very seriously and try very hard to come up with realistic exchanges, as well as comments that make each character stand out in some way. Each main character has his/her own little dialogue quirks…wonder if anyone actually picked up on any of them?
I agree with you about Jack’s little drunken rant. I remember I was wasted myself when I wrote that part, and I wasn’t sure if I liked it or hated it. It grew on me, but I think I’ll cut it back a bit. Good catch!
Sweet! Very happy the bookend montages worked for you. I had a feeling some wouldn’t like them. You know, it‘s funny how some don’t really understand the relevance of them, while others single them out as something they really liked. So, that’s cool with me…I guess they’re controversial in a strange way.
p22 - Missing a (V.O.) for Julie in the phone conversation. – Already fixed.
p34 - GLENVILLE - "You see patients just take off like this" - missing a question mark. Damn! How’d that sneak through? THANKS!!!! Great catch.
p39 -ADDINTON - "Can you tell us about Jimmy." - should be a question mark. – I agree. Good catch!
p67 - Uncapped characters? NOOOOOOO!!!! I'll let you off with it this time since it's a first draft done within 7 weeks. - Yeah, a few already brought that up. Damn…perfection is a tough thing to strive for…but I still will! Thanks so much for the compliments, Brian. It means a lot to me. Thanks for all your helpful feedback.
Hey, Pia. Thanks for the read and feedback. Your opinion is important to me.
Oh well, at least you liked the first 25 pages…that’s a start. I’m really bummed you didn’t like the next 79 pages. IMO, the 2nd half is where things really heat up and take off. I’m surprised you felt the opposite.
As others have correctly noted, this is not a “big” story, nor is it intended to be. I always tend to construct my plot and story around what many call “small” events, but what I like to do is take that reasonably small plot and take it as far as I possibly can and then write it in a non standard structure. Guess it’s just me.
Yes, it is a dialogue heavy script, and all my scripts tend to be dialogue heavy. IMO, this one is much less dialogue heavy than I usually go, but I guess you see it differently. I’ll be the first to admit that I actually go out of my way to make sure all my dialogue (and action, as well, for that matter) does not always advance the story, or “lead to anything”. I feel dialogue is a tool to create character, and as long as it takes place in a visually pleasing setting, or is entertaining, then it’s cool. I know many do not agree.
You’re very easy to understand, Pia! I hear what you’re saying. The vast majority of “action” takes place through Flashbacks, so maybe that is giving the affect of being light on action. There are obviously several set pieces here that are intended to be the big scenes, both in terms of action and passing of information along. My biggest fear was that this wasn’t going to be “thrilling” enough to be labeled a thriller. The genre of thriller is not my forte, but I’m very happy with this and feel it turned out better than I was even hoping.
There has been a differing of opinions in terms of the Flashbacks. Some agree with you, while others seem to agree with me that although it is definitely a different approach, it works, once you understand that the script is going to continue to jump back and forth in time. It may feel odd at first, but once you accept it, it should flow pretty well. Yeah, the Flashbacks do come back pretty easily for Jack. Memories are a funny thing. Sometimes, you can’t recall something to save your life that just happened and others, things you haven’t thought about in years seem clear as if they just happened.
Again, the issue with the characters likability is an issue that is very polarizing. I am of the mindset that a character doesn’t have to be likable, to be interesting and engaging, and thus, a good character. These are intended to be “real” characters, and real people are not without flaw. Think about it…we’re all flawed and we all have our share of skeletons in our closets. A mistake here and an indiscretion there do not make someone a horrible person.
Lets’ look at the Vegas Flashback, where you say you first started hating Jack. Maybe the issue you have here has to do with your being female…I don’t know. But I do know that if you think it’s shocking that a man would have sex with a “pro” on his Bachelor Party, you’re incorrect. I’ve probably been to at least 15 bachelor Parties, and I’d say the majority of the time, there was quite a bit of discretionary things going on…not only with the actual Bachelor, but like everyone there. Same deal with doing coke. For some, it’s just a party thing to do in certain situations…like a bachelor Party in Vegas, for instance. It’s a lot more common place than you may imagine. And “stealing” the watches was an issue for you? It was Mitch who arranged that, first of all, but understand these guys were there to rob them of everything they had. Mitch and Jack turned the tide and Mitch decided to take something from them as well…for their troubles. That’s my take on it, at least.
Yes, you are correct, as the script plays out, Jack does do more and more “not so nice things”, and your opinion of his character should change. Keep in mind that when it’s all said and done, Jack turns out to be far from a great guy, so doesn’t it make sense that his character should be questioned along the way?
Julie does need a little more backstory and she’s going to get 1 or 2 more Flashbacks that will paint both her and Jack in a more positive light, during the “good times”, early on. Hope that will help.
Yes, Mitch Cooper was a name I used in 1 of those killer games, I think. He’s supposed to be someone that you question early on. It’s actually revealed quite early that what he’s saying isn’t all true. As I mentioned in a PM to you, I see that you somehow missed the entire BIG TWIST REVEAL about Mitch. Not sure how that could happen, but without it, the story and plot is much smaller, and less enjoyable, so I’ll be interested to see what you have to say now that you know the real deal.
I’m very surprised you didn’t like Addinton’s Mum’s scenes. Many really like them and I agree that it gives his character so much more. It also ties everything up so nicely, involving the supernatural elements, as well as the big reveal…so…I can’t tell you that I’m going to cut any of their scenes together, and in reality, how many pages does she take up? 3 maybe?
Also really surprised you didn’t like Glenville and Shauntee. My early readers all agree that she was one of their favorite characters. She’s got a lot of great lines, IMO, and adds some comic relief, as well as some nice sex and nudity. I also feel that she adds a lot to Glenville’s character as well as some much needed romance.
Woodie is not a slick dealer. He’s like a bum in many ways, just selling his wares to whoever shows any interest. He’s not a nice guy at all.
That’s how Jack is. They had an itinerary and he’s the type of person that wants to stick to it. Remember, they were on Barbados 10 years ago for their Honeymoon. Things have changed quite a bit in those 10 years. Harrison’s Cave has gone though a major renovation and influx of cash (and still is, actually). It’s a highlight of the island.
Thanks for all your feedback. It’s very helpful, Pia. Let me know when you want me to reread your Blackout script. Take care!
I didn't read all the reviews in here so I apologize if I comment on something that someone already has.
Pros I think you have written a pretty good mystery thriller here.
Around page 38 I got the feeling that Mitch was a split personality of Jack's. I may have missed the mark, but I was close to nailing it early. What clued me instantly was his lack of interaction with anyone but Jack. Still... you pulled it off nicely and it wasn't obvious.
I freaking loved the line on page 28 where Mitch says, "You know I can't make that promise." It was a laugh out loud moment for me. I actually liked Mitch and I too suspected him almost immediately upon his appearance as being the other man.
You did a great job of misdirection and adding enough subterfuge to pretty much keep me guessing clear up to the moment of revelation.
Cons (these of course are only my opinions and the only reason they are longer than the pros is because I think I owe you a better explanation of why I see them the way I do.)
There are a few awkward sentences and typo's but I am sure they have already been pointed out and I only jotted down one. In my scripts I try to keep word repetition down, especially in the same sentence, which is the only reason I bring this one up. The line on page 2, "An old, rusty pickup pulls up behind the Moke." I think "pulls in behind" would make that sentence sound better.
One thing that got repetitive was the Bajan characterization. We know where we are and as there only seem to be 3 non-Bajan's, I think it makes more sense to describe the Americans as if they are the outsiders. This will alleviate the need to continually make us aware that 95% of the characters are Bajan. Hope that makes sense...
When he describes his mental state, he continually says he is foggy, over and over. Maybe you could come up with different ways for him to describe his condition, instead of describing it the same way every time.
I noticed that when the flashbacks first start, they seem a little bit inconsistent. I think it best, especially if they are going to be used as a major device in the telling of the story, that they be consistent and laid out in a fashion that gets the readers used to or prepared for their presence. You have some that flash wayyyyyy back and then you have some (most) that flash only a few days back that propel the story foward, revealing the mystery layer by layer. (I really enjoyed that aspect of your script) Some are very short in length and some are very long. In my opinion, a flashback that is for the sake of characterization rather than moving the story forward doesn't work. And some of the really long ones could tend to lose the reader of where he is in the story. I think that is why consistent lengths of the flashbacks are important.
All of the things above really didn't bother me as far as the read or the visualization of the script goes. What I noticed more than anything else was how the first half of the script was pretty slow paced and really dragged for me. The first few pages didn't really draw me in either. But man, once you hit around page 60, the story flew by beautifully.
I really had no problems with any of the characters except Julie. Every time we saw her it seemed like she was being a bitch, so I didn't really feel like I cared what happened to her one way or the other. It may be possible that this was intentional as this is Jack's story.
Once again, great job. For only working on this for 7 weeks, you did a superb job.
Hey John, thanks so much for reading. Your comments are well put together and a big help, too.
Great, glad it worked for you. Yeah, I had to be careful with Mitch and his scenes.
Funny, I laughed at that line as well, when I wrote it. Glad you liked Mitch…no one else seems to. He’s not a bad guy, actually. He’s a partier, a coke user, and a wife stealer, but other than that, I’d say he’d be cool to hang with.
Awesome. I sure tried to pour on the misdirection and subterfuge. I was hoping everyone would be guessing each and every character at one point.
Although I don’t feel that “pickup” and “up” represent word repetition, I do agree that “in” reads better than “up”, and I just changed it, so thanks for catching and bringing that up.
I understand what you’re saying about the “Bajan” thing, in both descriptions and wrylies. You may or may not have noticed that not every Bajan character speaks in a thick Bajan accent. Addinton and Glenville, for instance, don’t, and since they’re the 2 main Bajan characters, I think it makes it easier for American audiences to sit through. As Rob pointed out, he thought he’d have difficulty sitting through 2 hours of Bajan accents. In terms of doing what you suggest, again, I hear ya on this, but I won’t be making that change, as to me, it would come across oddly.
The word “foggy” is only used 3 times in the entire script, but it’s all early on, so that’s probably why it stuck out. I’ll see what I can come up with to replace 1 of them.
Again, I hear what you’re saying about the Flashbacks, their being consistent, and their being consistent in length, but it’s not going to happen, I’m afraid. I realize several of them are MUCH , MUCH longer than all the others combined, even, but they are the 3 big set pieces, actually, and these scenes, IMO, need to stand out. At first, the Flashbacks are somewhat random in terms of time and actual content. As things progress, the Flashbacks are more driven by situations, questions, and exact details of what just transpired this week. To me, the randomness up front works well and gives a realistic feel to things. You know how crazy memories are. I kid you not, I’ll be by myself somewhere in a public place, and a funny memory will hit me from out of nowhere, and I’ll seriously start busting up, to the point where people look at me and wonder what the Hell’s wrong with me. Jack’s memories that aren’t “story related” are all unforgettable moments from his life.
You are not alone in saying the first half of the script is slower than the last half…o just slow in general. I tend to write this way, as it’s what I like in a movie. I prefer a good setup, characterization, and then action, twists, and finally reveal. For me, things need to finish on a high note and the end is much more important than the beginning, as long as the beginning is strong enough to suck you in, which I hope this is.
As for Julie, it was intentional, but I think I may have went a little overboard and am planning on adding 1 or 2 Flashback scenes in which Julie will be shown in a better light with Jack, back in the good times. I hope it will help.
Thanks again, John. I really appreciate your feedback, and am looking forward to reading your latest draft of “the Door”.
What was Woodie's invovlement in Julie's kidnapping? Disposing the body? I'm aware he had some invovlement but I have no idea to what extent. It's not clear in the script.
I didnt care about Glenville's and Shauntee's relationship especially toward the scenes at the end. I would say elimnate those Glenville's and Shauntee's sex scenes. They don't add much to the story IMO. They're just sex scenes which I don't mind but it takes away from Jack's story.
I like the supernatural element of Mitch. But I think the cops would have discovered about Mitch or Julie for that matter a while back ago. Wouldn't someone find the bodies?
I think you should have hinted this affair with Julie and Mitch during the wedding scene in the montage probably. Or was Mitch invited to the wedding?
Overall, this was a good feature for seven weeks. Now, its time for revision. Not major just minor.
Sorry that its so short but I usually jot down what comes to my head first.
Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Hey Gabe, thanks so much for finishing this and providing some feedback. Much appreciated!
Julie wasn't kidnapped, first of all, and Woodie had nothing to do with her situation either. I think you must have missed some integral pieces to this puzzle.
I am very surprised you didn't like Shauntee and her scenes with Glenville. A few people have said the same thing, which is exactly the opposite I heard from literally every reader I had before I posted this. IMO, Shauntee is a cool character with lots of great lines and scenes. Also, IMO, sex scenes, although not ever necessary, definitely add to an R rated flick every time, in the T & A department, if for nothing else.
Also, when I write something, everyone has a life outside the actual details of the script. IMO, it adds depth and believability to the characters. It makes them act and react the way they do. A romance , or even a budding romance, adds another layer to the story, and gives Glenville's character more "character", so to speak. It also plays heavily into the finale, in terms of tension and suspense.
Everything plays out here in less than 24 hours, so no, no one would have discovered anything. They discovered things as fast as they could, but they didn't have much to work with. The bodies were buried in a tropical rain forest gully, and were there less than 24 hours.
Yes, Mitch was at the wedding. They were all great friends, and had been since college. There were several hints that Mitch was the "other guy". It was not supposed to be a big surprise. Many readers wished it was more concealed, actually. Are you saying you were surprised Mitch was the one having the affair with Julie?
Glad you seemed to like this. It was alot of work in 7 weeks. Thanks again for your time, Gabe. I'll read yours as soon as I see it pop up.
But what was the point of Woodie stalking Jack? Was it to pay him for drugs? This was what led me to think that Jack was involved in the disappearance of Julie. But I thought Woodie would be too. Not Mitch.
I don't have a problem in developing characters. I'm just saying there are certain information in the story that doesn't help push it forward.
You can still retain Shauntee and Glenville and their backstory. For example, in the beginning where Glenville is investigating the disappearance of Jules. That serves the story.
But other than that, other scenes seem to distract the reader from Jack''s story. I don't see it add tension or suspension to the end since alot of the scenes you put them in at the end are sex scenes. I don't care if they boink alot. It's only when Glenville gets the call that things turns serious. Why not turn those sex scenes into not sex scenes? Why not have Glenville a family man with Shauntee?
I was surprised. got me there.
Gabe
Hopefully I'll be finished soon. I had to add something to make more comprehensible.
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Woodie and Jack made some deals that Jack never made good on, so yes, he is following him to collect on a debt. But, Woodie also is aware of what went down in the gully (although that is not 100% clear in the script, other than what he says to Jack on page 87), and it's very possible he is planning on blackmailing him.
You're 100% correct that certain info does not propel the story forward. IMO, that doesn't matter, and I always include things like this. The tension and suspense is that Addinton gets to the gully first and is apparently taken out by Jack. Then, Glenville arrives...will he get there in time? Will he save the day? You know? That kind of suspense.
I like sex scenes, when they make sense. If a scene works in a certain way, I'd rather it involve sex than not involve sex. Maybe I'm a sex addict? Maybe an old perv? I don't know, but I feel a good R movie needs to deliver the goods, and show some nice (and unique) T & A.
Good luck on completing your script. Let me know if I can help.
How are things, mate? I see you got a lot of feedback on this, great to see. I’ve chosen not to browse any comments prior so to go into this blindsided.
Sorry if my general comments or page by page notes repeat stuff that has already been addressed.
In short, I enjoyed the read, a decent story you have here, relatively straightforward and simple but an admirable achievement for just seven short weeks so well done on that. It shows you can churn out something worthy when restricted by theme and time constraints.
In my notes below you should get a good flavour of my feelings towards the script as I read it. Generally speaking, the plot moved at a nice pace, probably took a while to get going but I can’t say it dragged for me. I’m quite a patient filmgoer at the best of times and enjoy a gradual build if the pay off delivers (think Apocalypse Now) Your writing as ever, is clear and concise, very clean, you’ll see below I didn’t have a whole lot to complain on the prose front. The dialogue may not always be to my liking put you can string together scenes well and it’s apparent you know where your story is at and where you want it to go.
It seems you done some painstaking research for the setting or maybe you’re just familiar with the place but I had a real sense of geography throughout the script. From the bars to the hotels, villas, beaches, caves, food, drink, wildlife etc this rung of authenticity and greatly enhanced the read. This sense of time and place was one of the most impressive parts of the script, one of its strongest assets, reminding me in a lot of ways of Louis Malle’s Atlantic City with Burt Lancaster and Susan Sarandon. That is a film relatively thin on plot, a few contrivances here and there but really augmented by the setting, locations and overall backdrop. The faded glory of the once vibrant (now decaying) New Jersey town ties into the themes of the film; age, change and the bygone era, brilliantly. It’s a case where if you shot the film anywhere else it wouldn’t possess half the power and resonance it has with, the location serving as a central character in itself.
Now, while “Unforgettable’s locations don’t necessarily tie in thematically (although I suppose you could say the resort is a symbol of happier times between Jack and Julie) they greatly supplement the dramatic elements of the story. The Bajan people, their attitudes and way of life, the beautiful beach, and weather, the surrounding tourists interspersed with open air bars, hotels, villas and vistas…and of course, most of all, the cave complex and forest (presuming these places actually do exist there)
Overall, story wise this was ok to decent as I said above. Very by-the-numbers when you take out the amnesia element but since that’s what the challenge called for, it had to be in there. Have you seen The Machinist with Christian Bale by any chance? This reminded me of it a lot in places, particularly the Mitch character and Trevor Reznik’s hallucinatory friend, Ivan. Personally, I feel you intertwined it (via flashbacks naturally) within the plot with varying degrees of success. When it worked, it served as essential back-story, providing a basis although distorted, of the relationship/friendship mechanics between the three main characters...all through Jack’s point of view. Some standout scenes include the Vegas excursion, Jimmy’s death and the glimpses of the happier, newly wedded times shared between of Jack and Julie. In the midst of all the nightmarish confusion of Jack’s post memory loss experiences these were a nice window, a rest bite even, into their once solid, loving and passionate bond. While the Vegas and Jimmy memories provided both comic relief and overwhelming tragedy. These all gave the script some dimension and scope, subverting the otherwise straight story underneath.
However, when it didn’t work for me (as I’ve mentioned in the page by page notes) they felt too “placed” or convenient, springing up at just the right time to fit another piece into the puzzle. A number of times the flashbacks seem to come to Jack all too readily once he was probed with a relevant question. I don’t know much about the effects of amnesia but is this how it works, is it that simple? If a person can’t recall something just ask them and they can magically access that lost memory, viola! they’ll reel the sonofabitch off like it happened yesterday (which for Jack, was the case most of the time but you catch my drift)
Woodie was another issue for me. He was such an undesirably, untrustworthy character from the beginning that I had big problems believing Jack would ask for him for help outside just buying drugs off him. Asking him to tail his wife was ludicrous at worst…ill-judged at best and when this plot strand became more integral to the story and Julie’s disappearance I got increasingly bothered by its unlikelihood. It was a case of “I told you so, man, you shoulda never trust that dude” you know.
The two cops, Addinton and Glenville although endearing and wholly likeable were very ineffectual, slow on the uptake and just all around incompetent law enforcers. I understand the force is a breeding ground for complacency around the world (Clancy Wiggum thought us that) but these guys made some queer decisions at times seemingly to allow the story to sustain itself. Specific example in the page by page below.
Addinton and his dying mother offered some moving moments but I don’t know what it did to serve the story. I’m not one for every scene must forward the plot or relate directly to its progression, I’m all for character development but this wasn’t paid off in any way that I can detect. I thought Addinton was going to have the final words at the end relating his Mother’s words about dying and the dragonfly motif but it never came. Hell, who knows if Addinton even survives...does he? So I ask what was the point of that sub plot since you never really expanded upon the character outside of his profession and its procedures, which, as I said, had me scratching my head in disbelief at times (this mainly concerns the lax approach they took in tracking Mitch, not that the would’ve found anybody but still, they certainly didn’t look very hard)
Plus, I don’t know why you spent so long with Glenville and Shauntee, was it just to get some sex in there? It felt gratuitous.
The cave scenes were interesting and provided some exciting drama, sounds like an exquisite place if those caves do indeed really exist. Otherwise, the set designer has a lot of work to do. The whole confrontation and introduction of Morris and the way the sequence panned out was kinda random but like Woodie and Mitch I just knew something was suspect with him from the start thus the surprise elements generated by them were somewhat neutered.
I mean, when Morris turns on them and Kean and Rawle appear, it didn’t catch me off guard in the slightest, instead it went according to my expectations given the way things had been set up. Anybody whose ever seen a piece of drama is gonna anticipate it, I reckon. This makes it all the more exasperating that Jack doesn’t see it coming (similar case with Woodie) and walks him and Julie straight into it. On the other hand it’s definitely an extreme and...we’ll say entertaining way to get Julie back in love with Jack, I’ll admit that. Which, I take it, was your overall intention with the sequence and the influence you wanted it to have on the story and their relationship.
While you spent too much time with the cops, Julie didn’t feel developed enough. You structured the flashback well in that we saw them in classic “before” and “after” modes with some chronological alterations to mix things up and that’s totally fine. The initial wedded bliss, the accident, the deterioration of Jack, the drifting apart, her eventual impatience and cold, distant (and outside the cave) very fu?king hostile attitude before Jack proves his worth and she, in a way, falls back in love with him.
You covered all the areas but like the opening and closing montages (explained in page by page notes) they were unbalanced. I felt you focused too much on the darker periods with only glimmers of happiness/redemption at either end. Think of “Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind” which has a similar scenario of looking back on a broken relationship except there it was conveyed more evenly. Firstly remembering the more recent bad times before things get better as we went further back into Joel’s subconscious. This meant that by the conclusion you saw two flawed, sometimes infuriating people but there was also enough nice “stuff” shown to give you faith in them. So that you can believe they will work through things and give it another shot.
I understand the structure of that film lent itself to starting with the bad and gradually improving in order to show them there was something worth fighting for while in Unforgettable the emphasis is mainly on the previous day and night to solve the mystery and relations between Jack and Julie were obviously frayed at this point. However, the majority of the other flashback showed either an incompatible, loveless couple or Jack living it up with Mitch. Basically there wasn’t enough warmth and affection between Jack and Julie for us to really quantify their marriage as something worth saving thus rendering Jack’s plight less sympathetic.
Even after Jack protects her in the caves, there is no real moment of reconciliation; instead she waits till he nods off battered and bruised before meeting with Mitch to pour out her new found feelings for her husband. Why couldn’t she have said these things to Jack (without coming clean about Mitch) and then maybe go to tell Mitch that the affair is over? Jack can still get the tip off from Woodie and investigate so your dramatic confrontation stays intact. This will compound the tragedy of it all since it looked, a couple of scenes prior, that Julie and Jack were going to patch things up before bam! Jack is disposing of two corpses.
Finally the Mitch character, he was a tad one note wasn’t he? I like how Jack actually gets angry over the “buddy” thing cause I had become annoyed by it many pages before. You’ll see in my page by page note that he I was wary of him from nearly his first introduction. Although I didn’t figure he was a figment of Jack’s imagination (just about copped near the end) it was inevitable he was more deeply involved then what was been let on. His and Julie’s fornication again played to expectation and I was really hoping he wouldn’t be the “other man” but alas, he was.
I’ve already mentioned this a couple of times but Mitch and Jack’s relationship overshadowed Julie’s significance greatly and undermined her importance both in Jack’s waking life (dead or not) and his memories. Was this intentional? Was there something more between them? I dunno but a lot of the story was taken up by the two of them, reminding us time after time how close they were thus Julie felt sidelined for a lot of it.
Anyway, I’ve waffled on enough at this stage. There was a lot of good in here Jeff, in your defence you do practice what you preach in the technical department and write very tersely and direct (bar some minor discrepancies) You have a tight, well structured story here for the most part, coherent and easy to follow. And as I said at the top, this was an enjoyable, fluent read.
The fact that you conceived and wrote this in 7 weeks is an exceptional feat and a credit to your ability. It puts us lazy as?ed, inconsistent, sporadically productive procrastinators to shame whilst giving us some introspective food for thought etc etc etc…I’ll shut up now.
Page by page observations/corrections/reactions/etc
Pg 1 - Do you always only leave one space between action lines and subsequent scene headings in your scripts?
“Two SKYDIVERS race through the air in free fall, as they plummet towards Earth.”
-- No need for the comma before “as” in my opinion but it’s no big deal either. I think we’ve had the Jeff-and-his-use-of-commas conversation before on more than one occasion so I’ll drop it henceforth.
“Bubbles of excitement rise to the surface.”
-- Perceptive visual detail here, nice.
EXT. SKI RUN – DAY
-- Would SKI SLOPE be more accurate?
“huge rooster tails of fluffy snow.”
–- See “Bubbles of excitement” comment above.
“One points to a family of DEER crossing the trail below them.”
–- Heck, this is turning into a travel agency advert.
“"boof"”
-– Love the effect, how tactile of you, Jeff. It perfectly describes said sound.
“As the rapids calm, they raise their paddles above their heads in exhilaration.”
-- Maybe change the ending to “...heads, triumphantly” or just “...heads, exhilarated”
Pg 2 - “They watch with wide smiles on their faces as the dolphins head out to sea.”
-- I thought for a minute it was the Dolphins smiling (which I suppose they do naturally) and this was turning into Madagascar 3: Dolphins, The Origin Story.
Great way to end the montage with a bang (pun shamefully intended), a complete contrast to the preceding postcard imagery. I remember years ago they used to have an ad on TV over here for dangerous driving and its horrific consequences with Louis Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World” playing over for disarming effect until the guy crashes. Your intro really reminds me of that.
Pg 4 – Liked the listen-to-your-Mother banter between the officer and Corbin, a light, brief diversion from the main plot, naturally written too.
Pg 5 – “Both 35, Scottsdale, Arizona”
-- Good ole Scottsdale gets a name drop...and sure why not!
“EXT. SEDONA, AZ - LOS ABRIGADOS RESORT – DAY”
-- Man, this couple certainly like their vacations. Every scene so far, flashback or otherwise, has taken place on a picturesque location of some sort yet an underlying tragedy is apparent in Jack (the kid being knocked over at the beginning is a dead giveaway of course) None of this is a criticism by the way, just an observation.
Quite a jumbled, disorientated opening few pages to this too. By page 5 it’s still difficult to know what’s really going on which acts as an effective reflection of Jack’s state of mind since he’s been either knocked out or barely conscious for the duration of the story so far.
Pg 6- I see you’re having a great time with the names and I’m having an entertaining time reading them. Especially the public servants; Glenville, Addinton and Everton, I’m looking forward to seeing what gems are yet to come.
Pg 8 - I’m not well up on amnesia and its various forms or Caribbean holiday hot spots for that matter but it seems like you’ve done your homework on the locations and subject matter here. I mean, it seems realistic to a layman like myself so kudos for taking the time to research what you’re writing about. It makes all th difference like in the Doctor/Inspector scene on pages 7 and 8.
Pg 9 - “Julie stands with a MAN at the entrance”
-- No harm including the Man’s age here, just for visualisation purpose...or is he too far away for us to recognize?
Pg 10 – “He reaches out, grabs it, gives it a look.”
-- No need for “gives it a look” here in my opinion, it doesn’t read very well either. The first two actions will suffice before the INSERT.
“Mitch Cooper”
You’re not letting me down with the names, Jeff, this dude sounds like a porn star or the hero of a balls out, no brainer action flick...sometimes there’s a fine line between the two.
Plus, Mitch’s response time is remarkably fast, he can just fly out there on a whim like that on such short notice!
Pg 11 – “EXT. MOUNT RAINIER - SUMMIT – MORNING”
-- More exotic locales! Jeez does this guy take a moment to sit back and enjoy the simple life. I’m curious to see what he does for a living; Superhero perhaps, James Bond maybe??
Pg 12 - ADDINTON I know. It's a tough time for all of us. For some reason, you think this time will never come.
DR. SANDIFORD It's a matter of time, now, though, so take every opportunity you can to see and talk with her. We've done all we can to prolong it.
-- Just a pet peeve of mine (yet I do it myself time and again) and something that always sticks out for me on the page is the close repetition of words in close proximity. In prose, it should be avoided while in dialogue it sometimes can’t be. On the contrary,, it lends itself to realism for characters to use bad grammar and repeat themselves just like real people.
In this case, I’m talking about the word “time” in both their dialogues. A perfectly suitable word to use in the context on the conversation but maybe consider changing Saniford’s line to incorporate a specific time period. For example “It’s a matter of month/weeks/days/hours” or whatever, just to diversify it a little bit while also maintaining it as something a doctor would actually say.
This morbid conversation seems a little out of place too, as if it’s a footnote at the end of Jack’s situation. Would Addinton’s dying mother not take precedence over some Stranger’s amnesia. I know Addinton is an officer of the law on duty but the placement of such a topic feels ill fitting. It’s like “Now that we have the business end of things tied up, er...your mother is on the way out” I mean, what a conversation flip. As a consequence, it feels very wedged in there in order to create a depth of character and back ground for Addinton. I’ll be interested to see what you do with that further on.
That whole philosophical take on death by both characters before they enter Jack’s room is all a little too glib, mawkish and on the nose for my taste...but that could be just me and my cold, black stone sometimes referred to as a heart.
Pg 13 - “The door opens, the two walk in.”
-- New scene means character names even if it’s blatantly obvious, right?
Pg 14 – Does the flashback here happen before or after the flashback on page 9 where Jack goes for a dive? If after, why isn’t he asking her about her altercation on the beach with the ageless guy? Since he doesn’t, I’m presuming it takes place before.
Pg 15 – DR. SANDIFORD Alright. I think you should rest now, Jack. Let's not overdue it. These things take time.
-- My suspicions were immediately piqued by Saniford’s hasty intervention here when discussing the guy on the beach...or is this just some subtle, deceptive red herring-ism on you part.
JACK No, he was white, mid 30's.
-- Ah, this mystery man has an age after all.
Pg 17 - “conch fritters”
-- I will always have fond memories of anything Conch related since William Golding’s “Lord of the Flies” glad to see it gets a mention here.
“island sexy,”
-- Um, can you explain what this suggests?
Pg 18 - SHAUNTEE Glenville, you gonna owe me some civic duties later on tonight, you hear me?
GLENVILLE You keep them fritters warm for me. I'll have her back as soon as possible, and I'll pay my debt to your society after work tonight.
-- Whoa, some seriously thinly veiled sexual innuendos and implications going on around here. I’m liking these liberal island sensibilities more and more.
Pg 19 – Kinda odd that a presumably healthy Mitch is demanding a clinically unwell Jack to come meet him at his desired location. I could be reading too much into it but it’s all rather fishy. Thus my suspicions are automatically triggered now in regards this smooth talkin’ porn star/action movie protag.
“He takes an uncertain first step, stretches, takes another step, much better, and makes his way to his clothing.”
Jack changes out of his hospital attire into the soiled clothes he had on earlier. He pockets his phone and wallet, tentatively opens the door.
He peeks out, left, then right, and is on his way.
-- Maybe have a CUT TO: (I know how much you love them) or a slug stating MOMENTS LATER between the sentence ending in “clothing” and pick up again at “A fully clothed Jack pockets his phone...” Unless you want us to sit through Jack getting dressed.
Plus I thought the hospital would’ve least washed his clothes.
Pg 20 – “He walks through the resort towards the pool, in the rear.”
-- Awkward phrasing, in my opinion. Omit “in the rear”, not necessary.
Pg 23 - JACK Mitch?
-- Would Jack not remember what he looked like from the Mount Rainier flashback?
Pg 25 - “OFFICER ORLANDO ANDWELE”
-- Once again you knock it out of the park, brother! What can I say, you don’t disappoint, each handle better then the last, brilliant.
Pg 26 - ADDINTON We'll get Jack at the hospital, and see what we can find at their villa. You never know...maybe the missus is there watching the telly, wondering where her loving husband's been.
-- Would they say “missus” in the Caribbean?
GLENVILLE That would be nice, Addinton. That would be nice.
-- Its becoming a mannerism of his to repeat things, an acutely observed trait on your part, nice detail.
ALEXIS You like what you see? I definitely like what I see. You wanna eat my baby pussy? She's all yours.
-- Ha, ha, gotta kick out of the “baby pussy” line, what a girl! And where the fu?k do these classy birds reside outside of debauched weekends in Vegas?
Pg 31 - JACK Damn, Coop, since when you start carrying a hand canon?
-- “Hand Canon” A Pulp Fiction rip right there.
Pg 34 - ADDINTON What do you mean, he's gone? Did he just walk out?
-- Ok, I’m thinking Mitch is the real deal and says who he says he is, the Vegas flashback confirms that. So, I’m thinking now you merely had Mitch make Jack adhere to his rendez-vous meeting point just to get him out of the hospital and in turn unwittingly allude the authorities in order to perpetuate the story and generate a cat and mouse type scenario. If this is indeed the motivation, I’m not really buying it and see it as a weak device to drive the plot.
I mean, would Jack have slipped out of the hospital so easily? It is an Island after all, how run off their feet are they, how big is this hospital?? Why would Jack even agree to leave the hospital in the first place where he was being well looked after and kept safe. Logically speaking, Mitch should have come to visit him and not the other way around (unless, of course in fact does have some sinister ulterior motive), that’s just common sense. And as I said if it’s just serving as a way to get Jack out of the hospital when Addinton and Glenville come looking for him I’m not convinced, it’s too much of an implausible contrivance, in my opinion.
Pg 36 - Ok, it seems there’s no hi-octane running around after one another about to ensue because of Jack absconding. He looks to be fairly compliant with Addinton’s request to meet at the beach.
EXT. BENTON HOUSE - REAR BREEZEWAY – DAY
-- Finally! We see this perennial jet setter at his humble homestead.
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Unforgettable - 7WC
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