Pg 37 - GLENVILLE
Strange, don't you think?
Addinton stares ahead.

ADDINTON
Indeed. He seems to be cooperating
though...and he immediately asked
about his wife. I don't know what
to think.

-- My thoughts exactly, Gents, I’m glad I’m not alone here. I gather this is where you want the audience’s awareness to be at come this point too? In my case anyway, you’ve succeeded so far.

Pg 38 - MITCH (V.O.)
My room just opened up. I've got to
get unpacked. I'll meet up with you
guys a little later. Or maybe I'll
swing by your place...once you know
where the Hell it is.

-- Once again my suspicions are raised about this guy...or is that what you want us to do?

Pg 41 – “The mower somersaults in the air in SLOW MOTION”

-- Stop the presses!! Is this a piece of direction courtesy of Jeff Bush? Say it aint so! Fu?k it, I don’t really mind depending on the situation although you don’t want to go all Michael Bay on us with the slo-mo. Why not have the mower flip in real time? Much more intense and visual striking if you ask me.

“Jack wipes his eyes, swooshes his hands through his hair,”

-- “Runs” might be more appropriate here than “swooshes” I realise you want to vary and spice up the prose wherever possible but swooshes sticks out, just doesn’t sit right with me.

P 43 - INT. COLINA DEL MAR VILLA - MOMENTS LATER

“Jack leads the way into the living area”

-- How did they gain entry? Does Jack have a key?

ADDINTON
Does Tiger need to worry?

-- Screw Tiger, man, and this has nothing to do with his recent extra marital activities, he’s just too obvious. Name drop Harrington or Singh or someone. Anybody but Woods, please.

P 44 – “On a table, a mirror with several lines of cocaine and a rolled up $100 bill sit.”

- Maybe rephrase this to “On a table sits a mirror with several lines of cocaine and a rolled up $100 bill on top of it.” or something to that effect.

Pg 46 - JACK
Yeah, that's not surprising. I ended
up paying him to keep an eye on Julie,
too, just to get rid of his ass. He
kept hounding me, always wanting
more money.

-- Frankly, this doesn’t make much sense to me. Why would you have your newly acquainted drug dealer watch yer ever growing estranged wife for you? And how would granting him this privilege get him off your back? And on what basis was Woodie wanting more money off him? Many unanswered questions here which Addinton, a cop, didn’t feel compelled to follow up on. A head scratcher to be sure.

Pg 47 – “Jack shakes his head, turns back towards the water.”

-- A lot of head shaking in these flashbacks from Jack. Why doesn’t he confront Julie, its clear something is up with her? After Jack’s performance in the Luxor hotel room, he doesn’t seem like a man shy of confrontation, coke induced or not.

JACK (CONT'D)
Listen, I want you to know that I
don't know where my wife is.

-- Again that repetition of “know” reads clumsily. How about “Listen, I want you to know that I have no idea where my wife is”

GLENVILLE
Heading upstairs. All clear on the
first floor.

-- Sh?t, all this time and he’s only searched the ground floor? How big are these villas or how slow is Glenville in searching a place?

Pg 48 –- EXT. COLINA DEL MAR VILLA - TERRACE - MOMENTS LATER

“The three men all stand together, looking down at the water.”

-- New scene requires character names for clarity, agreed?

ADDINTON
Yes, already discussed it. We can
thank our friend, Mr. Woodie for
that. Jack also had him tailing
Julie. We need to bring him in ASAP

-- Once again the line “Jack also had him tailing Julie.” doesn’t illicit a “Whoa, hold on, what?!” response from Glenville, an officer of the frickin’ law!

I wasn’t aware of the Dragonfly symbolism, a nice touch. Kinda reminds me of the snowflake motif in your “Fade To White”.

EXT. COLINA DEL MAR VILLA - MOMENTS LATER

“As the three men walk out, a small, beat up car comes to
life, just beyond the driveway.”

-- New scene requires character names for clarity, agreed??

Pg 49 - ADDINTON
Jack, is there anything you're not
telling us...about your...transactions
with Woodie?

-- Alas, the piggy asks the question of everyone’s lips, hurray! The cliché of a dumbas?ed, small town police force wasn’t lost on you, Jeff.

While I feel you’ve handled the flashbacks remarkably well, gradually giving out morsels of information at a time to keep Jack and us guessing, they are becoming increasingly convenient. It’s like when Jack is asked a question Bing! The screen turns wavy and we are treated to short scene answering the said query. It’s happened on numerous occasions with Woodie’s proposition to Jack about “sorting out” Julie being the latest example. I mean if this is the case, why don’t Jack tell Addinton and Glenville to ask him all sort of questions to sift out those obscured memories in order to piece together the puzzle. OK, I know it’s not meant to work like that but you get what I’m saying, these flashbacks seem to be flooding back to Jack’s mind literally on cue.

Don’t you think Jack appears way too eager in accepting Woodie’s offer? His deep love for Julie is driven home in the preceding flashbacks until now when some low life he’s just met tells him that he saw her hanging out with some dude and bam! Jack is ready to knock her off, just like that. Now I realise you’ve been made well known that Jack was suspicious of her lately and how she had been acting weird but would he not like to at least confront her first?

He doesn’t even seem that heartbroken when Woodie tells him, it’s like he’s skipped the shock, grief and anger phases and jumped directly into ice cold revenge mode. The whole conversation comes off as rushed and implausible in my opinion, as he’s seemingly making these huge, life changing decisions on the spot.

Pg 52 - JACK
I will. I'll get Mitch and see what
we can find.

The SUV pulls out in a cloud of dust.

-- Would Glenville and/or Addinton not follow up on Mitch and fix to meet him? Just to check him out since he is so close to Jack after all. Would they not see him as a helpful individual to question for some background information on the couple?

Pg 54 – The conversation between Addinton & Genville is easily the most expository scene of dialogue since the 162 minutes of Jimmy Cameron’s Avatar (170 if referring to the special edition in cinemas now). Waay too much guiding of the audience here, why not let us weigh up the possible scenario’s or at lesast some of them. Maybe have Orlando interrupt them after the third one or something as, to be fair, this is a conversation two police officers would probably have. Just don’t set it up so harmoniously whereby as soon as we’re given out the options, the radio suddenly “comes to life”.

ORLANDO (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Mitch Cooper didn't just check in at
the Almond. He's been there for
three days now.

-- Hmm, the plot proverbially thickens. I’ll stay on the fence though till I learn more.

ADDINTON
I think there's a reason this Mitch
character's been avoiding us.

-- Ha, more like ye’re incompetent asses were not making much of an effort to track him down. Ye knew where he was staying since earlier on, get on over there already!

Pg 55 – “In the distance, the sun drops into the ocean.”

-- An all too commonly used visual but nicely worded nonetheless.

Pg 56 - “He doesn't even hesitate, slams through them, sending two of them down.”

-- He he, nice one Woodie, drive on! I’m digging this guy’s determined attitude.

“Glenville collides with a young WOMAN in front of him, falls down into a lounge chair, rolls to the edge of the pool.”

-- The word “bungling” comes to mind when I picture this, quite an amusing (albeit well written) chase scene you got going on here.

“Jack enters, immediately eyes the table in front of him.
The glass, bottle, and lines of coke are no longer there.”

-- Forgot about this. Would the cops not have at least confiscated the good stuff if they weren’t going to arrest him for it?

Pg 57 – You have it nicely set up here whereby the audience is on to Mitch, fearing he’s not all on the level while Jack is completely unaware. Nice, ambient setting too for such a scene.

JACK
We gotta find her, man.

-- I’m sorry, Jeff but this just does not sound like the words of a husband whose trying to find his missing wife, cheater or no cheater. Too lax, too blasé, devoid of any real loss, pain or emotion. I’m not saying for Jack to freak out or turn the whole thing into a melodrama but this reads so flat and perfunctory, almost makes me think Jack killed her...or again, is this what you want us to think?

Pg 58 – “Jack watches in awe.”

-- Really? “in awe” sounds a little over the top in the context of the scene.

Once again we’re served another of those pitch perfectly timed flashbacks to deal specifically with the question at hand.

I’m so sure about Jack’s constant rubbing of temples prior to each memory either, rather clichéd and I could imagine becoming increasing silly looking on screen with every occurrence. We’ve all seen Wayne’s World, right?

Anyway, this whole arrangement between Woodie and Jack is what’s really not working for me plot-wise. It’s a recipe for disaster from the get-go, its written in the fu?king stars that it’s simply a bad idea. For me, any tension or drama can be derived from it will be limited because of this anticipation. When it happens it will be just an Oh yeah, I knew that was gonna happen” moment. Unless, of course, you throw the mother of curve balls a la “Fade to White”

Pg 59 - ADDINTON
A huh. If I were your age...

-- Is “A huh” a typo? I thought it would be more like “Uh huh”. No biggie.

Pg 60 - “Addinton raises his eyebrows, puts his arm around Glenville's shoulder.”

ADDINTON
Indeed.

-- Sometimes Addinton acts and sounds like a distinguished English gent dropped in from Victorian times complete with snot green tweed attire, pocket watch, pipe and a Dickens novel tucked under his arm...Having said all that he did just utter the phrase “Enough stuff in here to bust his ass good when we find him.” seconds earlier. Maybe he’s got an alter ego.

Pg 63 - “incase”

-- Space missing.

“ADDINTON
Affirmative. I'm going to pick up a
car, check on my Mum at the hospital.
Glenville's off for a few hours...I
hear he has a hot date tonight.”

-- WTF! Would ever occur to these two knuckleheads to maybe, just maybe give Jack a bell and see if Mitch is with him. It just might be worth checking out...actually it’s the most logical thing to do in this case, don’t you agree? Instead one guy is visiting his dying mother and the other is off getting his hole (a good excuse as any but you know, someone is missing here, they got a job to do, Mitch is prime suspect along with Woodie, etc). This is not a good advertisement for Caribbean police forces Jeff, do not expect them on your Christmas card list this year.

Pg 66 – “Jack and Mitch throw up a High Five.”

-- This is just me but high fives should be kept to a minimum at all times both in art and life unless done in a piss-take mocking kind of way (I think we may have had this before regarding “Fade to White”) It just reeks of brawny football jocks and messaged egos.

“Jack laughs to himself,”

-- Again, I’m perplexed by Jack’s reaction here. Would this happy memory not make him depressed considering how fu?ked up things are now with his son deceased, his drug taking, Julie’s subsequent affair and disappearance?

ADDINTON
God's given her a full life. She's
going to a better place.

-- I could be mistaken here but is this Addinton’s third time saying something resembling these words or to the same effect when talking about his sick mother? If so, it’s too repetitive thus becomes insincere.

Pg 67 – “Kemmerick, 40, Osbert, 35, and Hamish, 30

-- Once again I heartily salute the fantastic names but why no capitals? We’ve haven’t met these people before, have we?

Pg 69 – “Her head turns slowly towards Addinton.”

-- You might want to replace “Her” with “Mrs. Harewood” here since I thought for a second it was the dragonfly.

A poignant scene you have here, reads a little overly sentimental for my tastes but I already explained about the darkened pump I have for a heart. I think in pure emotionally driven scenes like this it all comes down to the actor’s performance. There is such a fine line between the powerful and the manipulative, for me these scenes can be the hardest to get right, tonally. This reads OK I guess but it’s difficult to know until you got people actually saying the words to one another.

Also, I find it hard to be completely engaged in it as we’ve only seen the mother once before now, mainly hearing about her irreversible condition via Dr. Sandiford to Addinton himself when he goes on about God’s way and all that. In fact, we don’t know much about Addinton either except for his rather casual approach to work in getting on top of the Julie matter as I’ve already alluded to numerous times.

“Shauntee wears a see through black negligee top, open to her navel, revealing her more than abundant rack, in all its glory.”

-- Ah, some native T & A to drool over...and on page 69 too, hardly a coincidence I bet!

Pg 70 - “Shauntee pulls him inside.

SHAUNTEE
Don't be makin' no excuses, already,
Glenville. You hear me? Get your
sorry ass in here...now!

She pulls him in. The door slams shut.”

-- Just trying to visualise this. She pulls him to the door, says her few words and then pulls him inside or what? It’s a little unclear the way you’ve it written. It’s like she pulls him in twice.

“ORLANDO
I sure do, Inspector. A call came
in a few hours ago from an employee
over at Harrison's Cave.”

-- Jeez, this Orlando dude is coming up trumps time and time again. He hasn’t let us down once. I hereby prematurely elect him as the “real” hero of the piece.

Pg 71 - ORLANDO
It slipped through the cracks,
apparently, Sir.

-- Maybe reword this to something like “It apparently slipped through the cracks, Sir” Sound more natural, in my opinion.


ORLANDO
Dispatch didn't
think anything of it. I just found
it in a stack on the front desk.
The license plate is a match of the
missing vehicle.

-- Hmm, having a hard time swallowing this. It’s all, yet again, too convenient and feels too set-up to drive the story along its path.

Wow, Julie is really showing her true colours (i.e. a total cu?t) on pages 72/73. Then again, Jack is your classic unreliable narrator and this is a fragmented flashback from his meddled mind so it’s hard to know who or what to truly believe.

Pg 73 - “Jack walks up to the ticket area, while Julie lags behind, a scowl on her face.”

-- Maybe change the ending to “while Julie lags behind, scowls (or scowling).” As where else can a scowl take place only on your face, it’s not necessary to detail it.

Pg 75 - JACK
Jesus, Jules, what's with you?

-- Yep, I can second that, what is up with this bit?h. This is the first real extended flashback of Julie and man, she is not making a good impression of herself. Of course, this is all through the tint of Jack’s distorted memories.

Yeah, that Morris guy was inevitably not to be trusted, it was almost a given he was gonna screw them over.

Great names in Kean and Rawle too.

Pg 80 - JULIE
Get your filthy hands off of me, you
bastard!

-- Perfectly realistic line, it just feels like it’s been lifted from a thousand other films though. Possibly drop the “filthy”.

Pg 81 - “Jacks flips onto his back, tries to stand.”

-- Omit the “s” in “Jacks”

Pg 82 – “Julie watches through tear filled eyes, terror obvious.”

-- The “terror obvious” reads very clunky. How about a simplified “Julie watches through tear filled eyes, terrified.”

“Rawle wipes drool from his lips, moves in close”

-- Has he transformed into a slobbering retard now or what, or just a person from Tennessee? In other words, this feels too overdone, too much on the primitive caveman-like satisfying his carnal urges side, you know. Let’s keep him human but still menacing without resorting to gross animalistic characterisations, just my opinion.

Pg 83 – Fu?k me, Jack is one badass mofo, overpowering a man and two...well not so human organisms with the force and ruthlessness of Max Cady. Like Morris, I’m “impressed” too.

Pg 84 – “Jack lies in bed, eyes shut, with an ice pack on his head.”

“His eyes flicker open.”

-- Waking within a flashback, don’t know if I’ve ever seen that before. An element of “Inception” to a certain degree can be seen in that whether you intended it or not.

Pg 85/86 – Note to self...Need to get me a girl like Shauntee, can they be purchased or rented for a nominal fee over there?

Pg 86 - ORLANDO
All quiet. No sign of him yet.

-- First time I think he hasn’t had some nugget of vital information to divulge, he’s slippin’.

Pg 88 – “Jack closes his phone, eyes mad with rage.”

INT. COLINA DEL MAR VILLA - MOMENTS LATER

“Jack snorts a line of coke off a mirror on the table. He
raises his head quickly, rubs his nostrils. His eyes
wild...enraged.”

-- Again, it’s this repeating of “rage” that instantly sticks out for me. How about changing “enraged” to “intense” ”angry” ”furious” etc. Anything but a variant of the same word used a mere couple of lines before it.

Pg 89 - MITCH (V.O.)
Just hanging. What's up?

-- What a nonchalant response given the events of the past 24 hours. Is Mitch even real?

Pg 90 - ADDINTON
You got something for me?

-- Of course he fu?kin’ does, man, this is Orlando “finger on the pulse” Andwele we’re talking to here. Any sh?t that does down, this motherfu?ker is on it like flies on cow dung.

“You got something for me?” (patronizing scoff) The cheek of him!

Pg 91 – “A hand reaches in through the open door, grabs Woodie's wrist holding the knife. It twists up, slices Woodie's throat open in a single, violent motion.

Woodie falls forward against the steering wheel. A torrent of blood pours from his gaping neck wound.”

-- Nice jolt of gore here, good visual of Woodie seemingly cutting his own throat. But knowing the ending now, why would Jack do this? Doesn’t he not believe Woodie might have some answers for him concerning Julie’s whereabouts at this point?

Pg 92 – “Jack exits from a small restroom, just outside the forest.”

“Mitch walks up from the parking lot.”

-- Why doesn’t Jack see Woodie’s car parked below? (Knowing the ending, i understand)


MITCH
Jack...c'mon, man. We both know
damn well about Woodie...don't we?

-- This ambiguous line is left hanging on the edge of the scene and not addressed or referred to when we pick up a couple of scenes later until Mitch presses the issue. What gives? If I were Jack I would be asking what Mitch meant by that statement before we took another step into the forest.

Pg 94 – “Jack closes his eyes, rubs his temples.”

-- He’s gotta stop rubbing his temples, man, seriously. It’s like the equivalent of Barbara Eden’s signature blink before performing magic in “I Dream of Jeannie”...and I trust you don’t want your script to evoke memories of that show, charming as it was.

Its cool how both flashback and present scenes are now melding into one as Jack is at the same location in both timelines. A nice way to fu?k with the audience and challenge their level of attention and understanding about what’s going on, trying to distinguish between the two. The lines are welcomingly blurred as we reach the climax, further representing Jack’s frazzled mindset.

“Jack steps out of his Moke, his face a mess, his eyes wild with rage.”

-- Swap “rage” with something else here, just for the sake of diversity.

“Monkeys scamper about all around, as Jack approaches a rise in the landscape, where a rock wall shoots up to the right, and the land drops off sharply to the left.”

-- This needs to be broken up in order for it to read better. How about: “Monkeys scamper about all around as Jack approaches a rise in the landscape. A rock wall shoots up to the right while the land drops off sharply to the left.”

Note the inclusion of a full stop and removal of two commas.

Pgs 94-95 - Just curious, is Mitch’s & Julie’s conversation meant to be within Jack’s earshot?

“Mitch spins, falls backward, loses his footing, and slips over the edge of the precipice.

There's a dull THUD, as his body hits the forest floor below.”

-- Golden rule: Never ever have an illicit, clandestine rendezvous with your best friend’s wife (whom you are fu?king) at night-time beside a godda?n precipice! You’re just not thinking things through there.

“Their eyes lock, as she plummets down.”

-- Very Die Hard-esque...minus the slow motion.

“Jack relentlessly scoops out the wet earth, his clothes and body covered in mud.”

-- What kind of a grave do you think he can dig with this rock? He would struggle big time methinks yet two bodies get dumped in there. Not impossible but very very difficult I would imagine.

Pg 99 - JACK
You took the one thing I still
had...my wife, my Jules. I can't
forgive you for that, buddy.

-- I would take out “buddy” at the end, too corny in my opinion.

Maybe break up this scene with a slug to indicate that some time has passed between him bludgeoning Mitch and placing the stone marker on top. As it’s written, it feels as if the whole event took place in less then 60 seconds.

Pg 101 - He takes off towards Glenville, full speed, knife out in front.

-- Sorry but I couldn’t help laughing when I read this. It’s reads funny while also conjuring up an amusing image in my head of this lunatic running at an armed cop with a “knife out in front” screaming aahhhh! very schlock horror-ish.

“They burst over a small waterfall and "boof" in unison.” – There’s that “boof” again, love it.

JULIE
I love, honey. I'll love you forever.
Don't you ever forget it.

-- Missing “you” between “love” and “honey”. Unless she’s picking a really inappropriate time to confess her deep affection for the preserve.

JACK
Can you believe that? God, it's
beautiful...unforgettable...just
like you.

-- Bit of a cheesy closing line, a bit gushing, they were only Dolphins after all, big woop. I’d excise this dialogue altogether and let the image do the talking.

You bookended it nicely with the montages. Since three fifths of the shots feature Jack and Mitch’s time together are you putting more emphasise on their shattered friendship as opposed to Jack and Julie’s broken union? From reading the script I figured it was more about Jack and Julie, their relationship and how the tragic loss of their son split them apart and culminated in the events featured in the piece.

On that basis, I wonder would the inclusion of a shot showing Jimmy after he’s knocked down or before add more punch to the final montage. This, after all, is the kernel of what’s happened here. He is the reason things got so fu?ked up.

As I said, it’s an effective way to conclude matters, I just don’t know if it’s accurately weighted to reflect the themes and overall plotline of the script itself. Maybe an extra scene with Jimmy would even it up at 3 montage clips each, thus providing a more accurate and balanced summation of events.

Hey, Col, things are good.  You know what I say, the more feedback, the better, and when your feedback is included, I’m golden.  Thanks.  Wow, a quadruple post!  Damn, I have a lot to respond to.  I appreciate when people go in blind, with no prior information on a script or movie.

Great, glad you enjoyed it.  As always, the plot is straight forward and simple, but the execution and structure hopefully make it stand out.  7 weeks go pretty quickly!

You’re correct.  I did do a lot of research for this.  It actually helps me in the very early stages, with setting up scenes and the like.  I did spend 8 nights on the island, back in the 90’s.  Glad it showed through and enhances the read for you.  I appreciate reality in scripts and movies myself, so I make a point of getting my facts down.  I agree the island is another character in itself.  Everything , including Harisson’s Cave and Welchman Hall Gully  is real and actually in Barbados except for Shauntee’s Bar  & Grille.  You can Google any of this stuff and see pics and get details, like Jack’s villa, Colina del Mar.

Very by the numbers?  Really?  I don’t think so.

Yes, I saw The Machinist recently and absolutely hated it.  MY girlfriend and I both were bored stiff, depressed, and even grossed out by Mr. Bale’s look.

Glad some of the Flashbacks worked for you.  I see what you and others are saying about some of the Flashbacks being too easily recalled or “placed” as you put it.  Personally, I don’t see it as a problem, but I do hear you.

Surprised you didn’t find the Woodie connection realistic.  Not sure if you are familiar with people like Woodie, but they’re everywhere on Caribbean islands, and some are actually really cool.  You literally don’t know at first about them.  Back in the day, I used to travel to the Caribbean every year, and I met several of these people.  All but one were really cool. The one who wasn’t totally ripped me off, and was the kind of guy you don’t want to fuck with.  Why would I trust such a person?  Who knows?  I did, though.

Woodie is obviously somewhat of a red herring the whole way through.  You know, the guy who seems so blatantly guilty that he probably can’t be.  I tried to weave his story into the overall story so that bad guy or not, his place here is crucial to how all the events play out in the end.

Col, I have to completely disagree with you about Addinton and Glenville being anywhere near incompetent.  Guess I’ll hit those instances you brought up in your page by page notes.  Keep in mind a few things though.  First of all, the Royal Barbados Police Force is known for being corrupt and  crap.  I didn’t want to portray them that way at all, so I went out of my way to make them all likable and good cops, trying to do the right thing.  They first got wind of Julie being missing in the morning, and by the end of that same day, look how much shit the figured out.  In the US, the cops wouldn’t even get started until a 24 hour period had gone by in a missing person case with no witnesses.  We’ll have to discuss this further!

Addinton’s Mum did play into things, IMO.  She was the connection between here and there, and brought in the supernatural element and was the one who explained the dragonfly motif.  I am making a few changes to some things she said, based on comments.  But, Col, you know I don’t believe at all that everything and every character has to move the story forward.  Addinton does survive, BTW, but I’m glad you asked, actually.

OK, back to the police work.  You’re talking about why they didn’t search very hard for Mitch.  Why would they, first of all?  They didn’t know anything about his, other than he was a friend of Jack’s.  They did figure out that Mitch had arrived on the island much earlier than he said, and they did check his suite, and even leave a man there, waiting for him to return. This was all in a period of a few hours.  How is that poor police work?  I think Glenville will be up for a promotion and Purple Heart after banging Shauntee and saving Addinton within an hour or so.

As I’ve mentioned a few times now, the dislike for Shauntee is shocking.  Every single reader I had before I posted this, said she was their favorite character and they all loved the scenes with Glenville and her.  Now, everyone seems to dislike them.  Are they meaningless?  No, I feel they say a lot about Glenville.  Are they gratuitous?  Of course, they are.  IMO, pretty much 98% of sex/nudity scenes are gratuitous in nature and not necessary.  R rated movies need good sex and nudity scenes though.  They are incomplete without them, IMO.

Harrison’s Caves definitely exist.  Morris turning out to be a bad dude was not supposed to be a shock.  It’s kind of one of those things that horror movies do…set up a situation that you know isn’t going to turn out well…but there’s nothing you can do about it, which makes them more powerful, IMO.  Nothing was downright stupid that Jack and Julie did, but you can still yell at them not to go with Morris.

Julie will be getting 1 or 2 additional Flashback scenes that will draw her out a bit more and hopefully show her nicer side.

It’s a dark script overall, much like most of my writing.  To me, though, there is much beauty here as well, and although things end up ugly, in a strange way, it just may have ended up best for all involved.

Mitch is definitely Mitch, and if that means he’s one note, so be it.  He’s a hard partying, fun loving guy.  He may come off as a sum bag when it’s all said and done, but like everything, there are many good sides to him as well.  Glad you caught the “Buddy” thing in the end.  BTW, Mitch is not a figment of Jack’s imagination…he’s a ghost here.  He came back to make sure his best friend didn’t walk clean from this.  In no way was I trying to conceal Mitch being the other man.  In some ways, it’s actually a red herring because it seems so obvious, maybe it’s not going to work out that way, but more so, it takes interest away from the fact that Mitch is dead all along.

Yes, Col, it was intentional to make Mitch out to be the “more significant” one in jack’s life.  No, there wasn’t anything gay between them, but they were best friends, and both had relationships with Julie when they were younger.  Julie appears to be the mystery here, but in reality, it’s much more than that, and Mitch is actually the much more important character.

Thanks, Col.  I appreciate your opinion.  I’ll go through the page by page notes next, but probably not in great detail (but I will use them for my corrections, as you found a few things that I somehow had missed).

Thanks, mate!!

Responses to Col’s first 2 page by page notes:

Do you always only leave one space between action lines and subsequent scene headings in your scripts? – Interesting point.  You know, I’ve heard this before about my scripts as well as others, and I always say that my software should be doing it the right way.  I figured out just recently that the standard format I’ve been using, is not a Spec script format, thus, only a single line between action and SLUGS.    So, you and the others that have questioned this are all correct.  I’m going to convert it into the Spec script format and see how it looks and how many extra pages it runs.

Not sure if you know or not, but "boof" is an actual “word” used in kayaking.

Glad you liked the Bajan names.  They are all taken from published Bajan writers.

Yes, Mitch can do anything…anything at all!

I agree with you about Addinton and Dr. Sandiford’s dialogue exchange containing some repetition.  I’ll fix it up.  However, I don’t agree about Addinton’s Mum stuff being out of place here.

Obviously I agree with you, Col, that a new scene needs to be properly set, and that includes showing exactly who is in the scene, BUT, when using “CONTINUOUS” in the SLUG makes it 100% clear and obvious that the same characters from the last scene are still here in this new scene.  I guess to keep things “correct”, I should make these changes, but I was just trying to make the read easier and better.

The Flashback on page 14 does occurs prior to the one on page 9.

On page 15, I actually just wanted to get Jack out of the hospital bed as quickly as I could.

“island sexy” – Hot-ass island babe with beautiful cans, nice ass, and a smile that will make you melt.

Shauntee rocks!

I had to have Jack meet Mitch where he was, as it wouldn’t make any sense if Mitch came to the hospital, as you now know.  It is something I played around with for awhile, trying to make things as easily acceptable as I could.

The scene with Jack changing clothes was an issue and still is.  I’m not a fan of “CUT TO:” as you know, but I agree something needs to be changed here.  He hasn’t been at the hospital long enough for them to wash his clothes.

Jack recognizes Mitch when he first sees him.  I think it’s more of a way of speaking, with the question mark.  Like it’s been a long time, it’s still hazy, unclear.  Maybe I’ll take the question mark out.

Is “missus” something that Brits wouldn’t say?  Barbados in very British…very proper in many ways, but very laid back in other ways.

Glad you noticed how Glenville repeats things.

HaHa!  My favorite line of the script…”You wanna eat my baby pussy?”  I’ve actually gone into convulsions, laughing about that line.

“Hand Canon” A Pulp Fiction rip right there.” – As much as I love PF, I was not aware, nor did I try and lift it from there.

It’s an actual hospital I used.  Remember, he’s not under any type of security or anything, so people can come and go as they wish.

“Oh fuck! Son of a fuckin' whorebitch cunt!” – Yeah, I know, I was actually wasted when I wrote that line.  It’ll be changed.

Page 38 - Once again my suspicions are raised about this guy...or is that what you want us to do?  Yeah, I want you to be suspicious of him.  Again, by being suspicious, you’re actually being diverted away from the actual situation.

Pg 41 – “The mower somersaults in the air in SLOW MOTION” – YES, Col.  Sorry.  I was wasted again when I wrote this part and just couldn’t help myself.  It may stay, it may go.  We’ll see.

The villa is pretty much “open”.  Jack did have a key, though.  Check it out at http://www.barbadoshomerentals.com/villa-listing/colina-del-mar#.

The line about Tiger is interesting, actually.  Were you aware that he and Elin were married on Barbados?  That’s why it’s in there, as it was a giant event and the locals all remember the day well.

P 44 – “On a table, a mirror with several lines of cocaine and a rolled up $100 bill sit.” – Yeah, I agree…it reads awkwardly.  Consider it changed.

My take on Addinton not “digging” is that he’s happy to get any info from Jack.  The answers you’re seeking, aren’t important to the story, IMO.  I tried to keep things as simple as I needed to.

There’s a back story to Jack and Julie, and I didn’t make it remotely clear…and really didn’t think I needed to.  BUT, Jack has known for awhile that Julie was cheating on him.  His father knew, and Jack even talked with Mitch about it on numerous occasions.  He never discussed ti with Julie though.  After Jimmy’s death, he didn’t discuss much with Julie. Jack knows it was his fault, Jimmy got killed.  He can’t deal with it and never got over it.  He’s a broken man.

Pg 48 - New scene requires character names for clarity, agreed?  Agreed, but refer back to my earlier response.

There are so many different interpretations of dragonfly symbolism.  I did a lot of research and kind of melded a number of things together to come up with what I used.

Page 49 – I don’t find Addinton or Glenville to be stupid or bumbling at all.  Look at all they’ve managed to figure out in a matter of hours!

Yes, the Flashbacks do become increasingly more “convenient”.  No way around that for this to work.  As time goes by and Jack sees more things, it’s only natural for his memory to come back quicker and more exact.

The Flashbacks showing Jack and Julie getting along great were long ago.  His “deep love” is pretty much long gone.  He didn’t plan any revenge…it is hinted that maybe he does take Woodie up on his suggestion, but you know now that didn’t take place.

Pg 54 – The conversation between Addinton & Genville  - Yeah, I agree with you for the most part.  I wasn’t happy with that scene the moment I wrote it, but it seemed to serve a means to an end. I amy get rid of it, the more I think about it.

There’s only so much time to do stuff.  Addinton and Gelnville are going as fast as they can.  Give ‘em a break! Jeez…  HaHa!

I’m not sure why you find the chase scene “bungling” on Glenville’s part.  Glenville’s a good guy, but he’s not used to this sort of stuff.  Barbados in a quiet island for the mot part.  Don’t worry, you know he’s going to come through in the end!

The stuff about not taking the coke, etc, has been brought up by others, early on.  I feel it’s legit.  It’s Addinton’s way of getting Jack to trust him so he’ll work with him as much as he can.  A little bit of blow is the last thing Addy needs to worry about, IMO.

Responses to Col’s 3rd and 4th page by page notes:

Jack’s line – “We gotta find her, man.” – I hear you, Col.  But knowing what you know by the end, does it make more sense?  Sometimes, I feel it’s as effective to throw out a red herring as it is to point the finger right where it should be pointing, but making it seem like a misdirection.

The temple rubbing may indeed get old fast.  I’ll look at how often it actually happens.  I think it’s several times.

Well, I did try and throw in a mother of curve balls, and for it to work, I needed Woodie to play his little games.  Sounds like it didn’t work for you.  I tried…

Pg 59 - A huh. If I were your age... – Good catch!  Thanks!

Addinton is supposed to act and sound like a distinguished English gent indeed.  That one phrase always stood out for me as well, and I’ll definitely change it and keep his character in line with what it is. – Good catch for sure!!!

Pg 63 - “incase” – Another great editing catch!!  Thanks!

Remember, Addy and Glen have SUPER Orlando working behind the scenes.  They’re only human and they’ve actually made a lot of progress if you really stop and think about it.

Yeah, “High Fives” can be very cheesy for sure.  For some strange reason, I seem to like them, though.


We’ve haven’t met these people before, have we? – No, it was brought up in an earlier read and has been corrected.   A few things slipped through, obviously.

I think the Mrs. Harewood scenes will work well and do a lot to show who Addinton really is.  They don’t take up a lot of time, and are both an easy shoot, in a simple hospital room.  You aren’t the sentimental kind, so you say, but I recall lots of sentiment in your scripts, so I think deep down, you just may be more sentimental than you think you are.  Same goes with me.  I may not seem like I am, but I can get pretty emotional, very quickly in a well staged scene in a movie.

Great catch and exactly as I planned it!  Very rarely do we see “native” nudity done in a T & A kind of way.  Funny how that just happened to pop up on page 69, huh?  HAHA!!!

Pg 70 - “Shauntee pulls him inside. – I think you’re right.  I’ll delete 1 of the “pulls him in” lines.  Thanks!

Orlando does rock, doesn’t he?  He’s definitely the go-to guy for the Bridgetown Police!



“ Hmm, having a hard time swallowing this. It’s all, yet again, too convenient and feels too set-up to drive the story along its path.” – Not sure why, Col.  It makes perfect sense to me.   Remember, this is a little Caribbean island where violence and shit just doesn’t occur that often (at least “in the movies”)  Stuff like this happens all the time, I’m sure and doesn’t mean squat 99% of the time. Here, however, it turns out to be a big deal and gets them 1 step closer to solving the mystery.

Good point about the perspective of the Flashbacks, as they’re all Jack’s perspective and it is hard to figure out whether or not his fucked up thought process is coloring them.


“Great names in Kean and Rawle too.”  - Thanks!  I got a kick out of all the cool names as well.

Pg 81 - “Jacks flips onto his back, tries to stand.” – Omit the “s” in “Jacks” -Yep!  Sweet.  Great catch!

Yeah, funny!  Jack can take care of himself, huh?  Max Cady is a great comparison…and Cape Fear was an awesome movie!  

“Waking within a flashback, don’t know if I’ve ever seen that before. An element of “Inception” to a certain degree can be seen in that whether you intended it or not.” – You bring up a great point here.  I’ll have to check it out.  Ryan brought up a great point also, that I had to change about Jack getting knocked out but still remembering what happened while he was under.  Could be the same issue here.  Thanks for spotting this.

We all need a girl like Shauntee!

Good point about eh “double rage” – I’ll change it.

“ What a nonchalant response given the events of the past 24 hours. Is Mitch even real?” – Ha…interesting…very interesting!

The scene with Woodie being killed has gone through a slight metamorphosis.   There is now a line about a gleaming watch on the wrist of the killer, just to make it a bit more clear what’s going down, without giving anything away.

What Jack really knows and doesn’t remember are up for discussion and consideration.  At this point, Jack has completely flipped out though.  He’s wired to the max, drunk, and basically, one fucked up motherfucker, capable of anything.

Keep in mind that Mitch’s rental car is already there, as it had been all night.  He picked Julie up and drove there…so that’s the car that Jack parks next to.  Woodie pulls up after Jack, and is surprised by him.  Does that make sense?

“Its cool how both flashback and present scenes are now melding into one as Jack is at the same location in both timelines. A nice way to fuck with the audience and challenge their level of attention and understanding about what’s going on, trying to distinguish between the two. The lines are welcomingly blurred as we reach the climax, further representing Jack’s frazzled mindset. “ – I was a little worried about this, actually, and still wonder whether or not everyone truly understands exactly what’s going down in real time and what already occurred.  You know there’s a lot of non-astute readers out there!


Pgs 94-95 - Just curious, is Mitch’s & Julie’s conversation meant to be within Jack’s earshot? – Yes, it is.  It’s silent in the gully except for them, so any talking could/would be heard.

“ What kind of a grave do you think he can dig with this rock? He would struggle big time methinks yet two bodies get dumped in there. Not impossible but very very difficult I would imagine.” – This scene went through a few different phases, actually.  Originally, it’s an underground river there, so it keeps filling in with water and mud.  But that didn’t work, so I just went with it.  I need to fix it up a bit, but I really don’t want to dwell on the details here, as I don’t think it would come up in a filmed version – if the ground is soft and muddy, a big flat rock could work, and again, Jack’s not thinking very clearly here.  The bodies would eventually be found pretty easily, as it’s a shallow grave and there are lots of wildlife and foot traffic in the gully.

“Maybe break up this scene with a slug to indicate that some time has passed between him bludgeoning Mitch and placing the stone marker on top. As it’s written, it feels as if the whole event took place in less than 60 seconds.” – I hear you and this was another situation I stressed over.  I’ll relook at it and see what makes the most sense.

“Sorry but I couldn’t help laughing when I read this. It’s reads funny while also conjuring up an amusing image in my head of this lunatic running at an armed cop with a “knife out in front” screaming aahhhh! very schlock horror-ish.” – Yeah, I hear you. I had to throw a little horror element in and I figured why not here.

“Missing “you” between “love” and “honey”. Unless she’s picking a really inappropriate time to confess her deep affection for the preserve.” – Wow, how did that slip by?  GREAT FIND!

“Bit of a cheesy closing line, a bit gushing, they were only Dolphins after all, big woop. I’d excise this dialogue altogether and let the image do the talking.” – There you go again with that sentimentality, Col!  Funny.  I know it’s a bit cheesy, but IMO, it works well for eh ending.

“You bookended it nicely with the montages. Since three fifths of the shots feature Jack and Mitch’s time together are you putting more emphasis on their shattered friendship as opposed to Jack and Julie’s broken union? From reading the script I figured it was more about Jack and Julie, their relationship and how the tragic loss of their son split them apart and culminated in the events featured in the piece.” – A good and interesting point, Col.  I decided to “change it up” with the reveals in the final montage, and make it apparent that Mitch possibly meant more to Jack, than Julie did.  At least in Jack’s fucked up mind. He never knew, or even fathomed to believe that Mitch would mess around with Julie.  To Jack, it was Julie who was fucking up their marriage, even though it was his actions after the death of Jimmy, that really caused everything to spiral out of control.


“As I said, it’s an effective way to conclude matters, I just don’t know if it’s accurately weighted to reflect the themes and overall plotline of the script itself. Maybe an extra scene with Jimmy would even it up at 3 montage clips each, thus providing a more accurate and balanced summation of events.” – I hear you, but I chose not to go that route. Makes perfect sense, though.

Col, again, thanks so much for this detailed review.  You are a great script reader and your insight means so much to me.  Glad you seemed to like it for the most part.

Anything of yours you need some feedback on?  Take care!!!

Hey Jeff; I enjoyed this overall. I dug the location in Barbados and how that setting played neatly into the story.

No idea what a Mini Moke is...assume it's a little putt-putt car, popular on the island. Liked the monkeys, the descriptions of the locales-adds a lot to this.

Reminds me most of the Usual Suspects, with two storys running simultaneously on two different linear paths, the flashback tales of Jack, Julie and Mitch, and the current, real time happenings affecting Jack, Addinton and Glenville.

It's a bit confusing to read, the switching back and forth, but I think translated to film it would not be as hard to follow.

My main nitpicks would be these:

Jack. As a character and the main protagonist, I didn't like him. I understand that he was upset about his kid getting whacked by the White Mercedes, and that, as a result of that, got deeper into alchohol and drugs. He starts off being a self-focused, self-absorbed personality and stays that way. He doesn't arc, realize his faults and attempt to address them at all. Rather, quite the opposite as he coldly  kills Addinton and is in return, killed himself.

The friendship aspect of Jack and Mitch played out well, although Jack seems like the sort who would go out his way to be seen playing at the Palms rather than the touristy Luxor...

Got confused about Woodie's role in this, particularly towards the end. I get that he was a dealer, and was gonna whack whom ever it was was messing around with Julie. I didn't get the impression that he was a source of imminent danger. Does he know the truth about Jack, Julie and Mitch? How does he? Did he see them?

Liked the cops, particularly the interaction between Addinton and his mom. The exhange on pg 68 seemed the most "real" in the entire script-very natural and tied in with the supernatural aspect of the story.

Really liked the symbolism of the dragonfly, but it got way overplayed.

The cave scene. Visually, very cool and would look excellent on the screen. However, I don't think it moved the story forward, or at least not to the extent that it would warrant commiting it to film. If the point was to show Jack as a hero in Julie's eyes, he could have accomplished the same thing by slugging a drunk in the bar or squashing a spider...

In terms of genre, it could be argued that this is more a supernatural mystery than a thriller, mainly because it seemed that Jack was never in terrible, terrible danger and that unseen forces were aligned against him. It's a whodunit...even Glenville acknowledges on pg 52. that Julie is "somewhere with the boyfriend and everything's fine." Perhaps more suspense, or clarification that Glenville's premise is not possible.

I liked the ending twist. Admit that I had to go back and reread a bit, but I think that aspect worked very well...

Some of the scenes between Glenville and Shauntee, though fun, could be trimmed as not essential to pushing the plot forward, ex. pg 85, the beach, really only needs to be him picking up the phone on pg. 91.

Regardless, very nice job for seven weeks.

Jeff

Glad you were able to get something from the notes whether you agreed with them or not. It will give you something to consider nonetheless.

You didn't like the "The Machinist"? I'm surprised by that, I thought it would be up your street. The fact that you and yours were repulsed by Bale's appearance means it worked. Yes, he was sick to look at but that was inherent to the dehumanizing effect of the film.

It’s like when someone says they hate an actor because he/she always play assholes or just downright unlikeable people. My response is always to the tune of "Well, that's testament to how good of an actor he/she is, the fact that you believe this person is a wanker based on the characters they play. I think Bale deserved a lot of credit for that role while the look and feel of that film has always stuck with me. Now, I can’t say I absolutely loved it but it has a lot going for it too, in my opinion. Maybe check out Brad Anderson’s “Transsiberian” its got killing and snow so you might dig it!

Anyway...

I never knew about the Tiger Woods connection so the reference is justified.

I see what you mean about the flashbacks needing to fill in the blanks but I still stand behind the "too convenient" opinion in some cases.

I’m not familiar first hand with the Woodie characters on those islands for the simple reason that I’ve never been there but I’ve a good idea of that type of person, mainly via TV and the gross stereotyping that goes with it. Also, friends of mine who once holidayed in Jamaica a few years back were more then acquainted with them.

So Woodie’s continual involvement, while providing a good distraction from the main plot and keeping the audience guessing just never sat with me from the moment he was introduced. I get Jack and Julie were going through a hard time, he’s was doing a lot of drugs so his decision making was impaired but it was still incredibly ill-judged of Jack to get tangled up with him like that. And while Woodie wasn’t directly responsible for Julie’s death he was a constant thorn in Jack’s side to which I could generate zero sympathy for. On the contrary, Jack’s stupidity in getting mixed up with Woodie turned me against him in a lot of ways.

Yeah, you can say they made a lot of headway in 24 hours but that was mainly due to the work of other people. For example, Orlando “unsung hero” Andwele!. I suppose Addinton had the distraction of his dying mother and Glenville...well, he wanted to get his rocks off. Regardless, I thought when it came to Mitch they were very lackadaisical but of course it could be no other way since Mitch's true presence needed to be kept a secret till the end and I can appreciate that too.

I mean, the two cops are nice guys, I’m not disputing that, they just need a kick in the ass to get them going, profession-wise. I think maintaining focus and concentration on the job at hand is their biggest flaw. Maybe they should take a leaf outta Orlando’s book…Wait…! I’m seeing a sequel… “The Orland Chronicles: An essay in police procedural efficiency”  Think Nash Bridges meets CHiPS (with Mini Mokes replacing the bikes) told in minimalistic, raw edged documentary style.

I wouldn’t say I hated Shauntee, she just felt a bit superfluous, in there purely for eye candy and titillation, which is fine I guess, its what gets the bums on seats. Although, I don’t agree with you that an R rated film MUST have nudity.

Yeah, I can be sentimental too at times if the scene demands it. I think we all are to varying degrees but I always try to go for understatement where possible...but I don't always succeed. As I said though, I think you steered clear of it for the most part here except in the couple of scenes I mentioned. It's a matter of taste at the end of the day, they will really connect with some while making others cringe, that's the nature of it.

Oh, he’s a ghost, I thought it was one of those “all in his head” kinda things. It culminates in essentially the same thing anyway; to both torment and assist Jack in his quest for the truth about Julie.

So it was your intention to focus more on Mitch and Jack friendship? Ok, that’s cool, I suppose my expectations led me to look for the connection and significant events in Jack and Julie’s relationship. It’s always interesting for a film to offset (intentionally of course) from your pre-conceived notions. For me, there’s nothing more irritating then someone disliking a film solely for it not being what they wanted it to be as opposed to judging it on its own merits and chosen direction.

What are your plans with this now, Jeff? Are you rewriting it and sending it out to people like you did with “Fade To White” or just keeping for the SS boards?

Col.

Thanks for the read and comments, T Joe.  Glad you liked it overall, as well as the location.  Barbados is a beautiful place.

Yeah, a Mini Moke is pretty much what you thought.  Just Google it if you want to see a pic.  Basically, it’s a small completely open car, and they’re everywhere on Barbados.

Cool, can’t complain about a comparison with The Usual Suspects now, can I?  I’ve had a few people saying it’s a bit confusing or distracting reading, with all the Flashbacks, but I honestly don’t see any problems in a filmed version.

Nitpicks?  Huh?  You’re not allowed to have any nitpicks!

A few agree with you that they don’t like Jack.  I’ll have to relook at him and see if I took him too far over the deep end.  I’d have to disagree with you about him not going through an arc, though…it may be a simple arc, but he definitely completes what he sets out to do.  Also, he didn’t kill Addinton…he tried, but Addinton lived.

Glad you liked Jack and Mitch’s friendship.  Remember, the Vegas Flashback took place over 10 years ago, and The Palms didn’t open until late 2001…so the bottom line is that The Palms wasn’t there when Jack and Mitch were there on Jack’s Bachelor Party.

A few are also confused with Woodie, which in turn, confuses me.   Woodie’s a simple man, actually.  He’s the kind that can get whatever you want and do whatever you need…all for the right price, of course.  He knows Mitch and Julie were messing around, because he was following Julie, per Jack.  He knows Mitch and Julie met at the gully because he followed them there.  He told Jack about this.  The next day, Micth and Julie are nowhere to be found and the cops are checking everything out…so, Woodie knows something’s up and Jack is involved, but he doesn’t “know” what actually happened at the gully (he most likely ahs a pretty good idea, though).

Sweet!  Glad Addinton and his Mum worked for you.  Also, very happy you liked the dragonfly stuff.  Originally, there were more dragonfly occurrences.  I cut 2 or 3 out before submitting the script.  There are 6 occurrences left, and they’re pretty well spaced out.  The dragonfly only appears once in a Flashback, and it’s right after Mitch is killed. All the other occurrences are in real time.

IMO, the cave scene is one of the big set pieces of the script.  Glad you found it visually pleasing.  From Jack’s first intro, he’s been a beat up mess.  The mystery assumes he was beat up in the same event that resulted in Julie’s disappearance.  That’s not the case, though.  The scene shows what happened to Jack, and how he got to looking like he has the entire script.  It really wasn’t anything at all about making Jack out to be a hero.  It’s more of a stepping stone that lead to the inevitable finale.

Yeah, I’d have to agree with you that this may or may not fall into the thriller genre.  I would disagree though about Jack being in trouble.  The fact that most of the real “trouble” occurred in Flashbacks could be the reason why you didn’t feel suspense.  I don’t know actually.

Great!  Glad the finale twist worked.  It’s really the whole shebang here, and if it doesn’t work, this script doesn’t work

Another one in the anti-Shauntee camp!  Damn!  I don’t like to hear that.

Thanks again, T Joe. This was a very fun and interesting challenge.

Col, thanks for checking out my responses.

As to The Machinist, I think I can go so far as to saying I hated it, and have almost no memory of plot and story.  It was ugly, involved ugly characters, and a dull story.  Bale was great, but I have no interest in seeing skin and bone unless I'm watching a horror flick.

What am I going to do with it now that it's done?  It's officially for sale as of right now. I will do a rewrite but I don't foresee many big changes, just some corrections and clarifications.  Let the bidding start at $500,000.

Thanks, Col!

Jeff

Sorry to divert the discussion away from your own script but I would just like to address some of your points for not liking The Machinist.

Quoted from Dreamscale As to The Machinist, I think I can go so far as to saying I hated it, and have almost no memory of plot and story.  It was ugly, involved ugly characters, and a dull story.  Bale was great, but I have no interest in seeing skin and bone unless I'm watching a horror flick.

First off, I would consider it a horror or at least contain strong elements of it. Reznik's ailing health and appearance was part of that horror, a physical representation of his tortured soul and warped, disillusioned perspective on everybody and everything around him. As I said in my first post there are some similarities (whether you like it or not) between it and Unforgettable. Namely the amnesia of the main character being triggered by a particular traumatic experience which is revealed at the end plus the presence of an alter ego/ghost/figment (although Ivan is much more antagonist and creepy in The Machinist.)

Plus, I don't see how a film about ugly characters in an ugly world is automatically considered a drawback. Great films are made about undesirable people living in harsh societies all the time. It might not be pretty but can often make for great drama and personal struggle, something we can all relate to on some level. Think of what it would be like if everything had the pristine and plastic beauty of One Tree Hill, Glee or any of those sanitized Jennifer Aniston romantic comedies. Of course, I’m not saying this is what you were implying your post but you get what my point, simply saying a film was bad because the characters and locations were ugly isn’t a very convincing argument in my opinion…and you say you’re a horror fan

Anyway, back on point, best of luck with your rewrite, you’ve done a great job with this.

Col.

Col, I'm not saying that The Machinist is a bad movie.  I know that many people loved it...they just didn't love it based on box office returns.

I'm actually surprised to see it listed as a horror/thriller.  I guess that's why I originally found it on Netflix streaming.  After watching it, I really don't see the horror...or the thriller, either.

Back to my thoughts on it.  I don't necessarily need a movie to be all beautiful for me to like it, and I have no problem with ugly characters, but this one didn't work on any levels for me.  I was bored silly.

Hey, Col, can you PM me with what actually happens in The Machinist.  I just can't remember for the life of me, and I saw it less than 4 weeks ago (that's how much it did for me!).

Hello Jeff,

Thanks for the fluid read!
I've only been here a couple weeks, but I'm digging the site lots.

**SPOILERS**

I'm very impressed with the story structure here for a seven week draft.
The Bahamian flavor feels natural, you clearly spent time on it.
The flashbacks are clear and overall concise, I know where I am and when.
Your supporting characters are convincing and genial.

That being said, your main characters are adulterers, murderers or cokeheads.
I was pretty pleased to see them all croak at the hands of each other.
When Jack saw Julie talking to a white guy on the beach, I knew it was Mitch.
Why? Because Mitch is the only other white guy in the story.
I'm 40 minutes ahead of your p. 61 reveal with Mitch's nervous blinking.

Before I continue, I want to relate a couple existing movies here.
One, of course, is "Dragonfly", the Kevin Costner supernatural weepie that I loathe.
The second is an implausible but slick amnesia mystery thriller called, "Shattered".
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102900/  
You may want to check it out.
Why do I bring up "Shattered"? I'll come back to it later.

Mitch is a ghost. Ok. I wonder what Woodie thinks of Jack on p. 23?
Woodie sees Jack shake hands with thin air and talk to himself on the beach. Hmmm.
p. 50 is a big opportunity missed to generate some external conflict with Jack.
Clean Slate Jack learns that Old Jack is tempted to have his wife killed.
Instead of recoiling in horror at the thought, he surpresses juicy plot points.
This is where "Shattered" succeeded in creating tension and this story misses out.
Clean Slate Jack is free from sin but learns he may not be such a nice guy.
Instead of intensifying his search to exonerate himself he goes with the amnesia flow.
This is where I lose total interest in your protagonist. He's a lying dud.
I put down your script down right here for the night, my personal interest drained.
I came back to it again this morning, in the interest of giving a complete review.
  
Jack is getting high instead of investigating the possibility he murdered his wife.
Whether Jack wants to exonerate himself or cover his tracks, this does not work.
He has no sense of self preservation or moral code, I'm pretty much done with him.
Julie is a grieving mother that finds comfort in adultery with their best friend.
The reveal of her death on p. 68 is fine with me, she's anything but sympathetic.
However, this does eliminate one of the last bits of mystery in the story.

You maintain a good pace and scenery once we get to Harrison's Cave.
The Shauntee booty call is cool, but its placement disrupts the third act flow.
p. 91 Woodie, after observing his employer talk to himself, is distracted by a monkey.
He knows this guy has screws loose and he's not ready for him at all. Wow. He's dumb.

Organic discovery through investigation is more interesting than convenient flashbacks.
I think this concept could help tighten up the casual pacing of the first two thirds.
Your third act is well put together and flows much better than the first 60+ pages.
I wanted to be more invested in your story, but I couldn't with such sleazy leads.

Thanks a lot for the read, its quite a feat for seven weeks!

Hey Screen Dreamer, welcome aboard, and thanks for the read.  Much appreciated.

Thanks for the compliments…but it’s set in Barbados, not The Bahamas.

I’m quite surprised that a number of people have said the same thing about the lead characters all being “bad people”, or “adulterers, murderers or cokeheads”.  Yes, there is some adulterous stuff going on, there is murder, and there is cocaine use…maybe abuse, but IMO, that does not make them bad people or even unlikable characters.  You’re not alone here though, so maybe it’s just me, I don’t know.

The fact that Mitch was “the other guy” was not meant to be concealed.  Although I didn’t come out and say or show it, it’s quite obvious it’s going to be him. This was intentional on my part, as I’ve mentioned a few times in response to other posts.  The reason being was to divert attention away from things I was trying to conceal.

I actually really liked the movie Dragonfly.  IMO, it’s an underappreciated flick that was really well done…and quite moving and powerful.  I’ve also seen Shattered several times, but couldn’t really tell you anything about it, other than it’s from the 90’s and has Tom Berrenger in it.

Good point about Woodie seeing Jack and Mitch on the beach on page 23.  I’ll change it so that Woodie doesn’t appear until they’re walking along, so he won’t see anything that is that strange.  Thanks for bringing that up.

The Flashback you’re alluding to on page 50 doesn’t really say anything about Jack being tempted to have Julie killed.  It is meant to install possibilities into the readers mind, though.  Obviously you feel strongly about this, and even stopped reading at this point. You once again mention that Jack is a bad person and because of that, you don’t like him or the script.  I’m very surprised by this.  No matter if Jack is a good person or a bad person, I don’t think he would spill information that makes him look guilty, though, would he?

The story here is very different from what you may have hoped, I see.  Jack doesn’t even consider the possibility that he murdered his wife, and in reality, he didn’t…Julie died accidentally…Jack tried to save her, and in the new draft, it’s more apparent that he did really try and save her (I was a bit rushed for time and didn’t spend the time I should have in that final Flashback).

The “reveal” as you call it on page 68 has already been removed per previous feedback, but IMO, it’s really not a reveal at all.  You can’t (and shouldn’t) trust everything you hear a character say.  Very often, writers use such devices to cover things up by making them seem like red herrings, to the point where you really don’t know whether or not to take it all as gospel.  Know what I’m saying?

I’m also quite surprised and even confused why you say the last bits of mystery have been eliminated by page 68.  As far as I’m concerned, there are plenty of mysteries ahead.  Are you saying that everything played out exactly like you assumed from page 68-104?  I sure hope not, or I really failed here.

Glad you like the cave scenes.  I was looking forward to writing those for weeks, after I constructed the story.  I think they came out pretty well, too, although it is a long Flashback for sure.

Woodie is definitely not the sharpest knife in the drawer but I highly doubt he thought he was in any danger.  Why would he?  If nothing else, he’s got a big knife and he’s the one pushing the buttons and in control, isn’t he?

I’m not big on doing things in a standard way, like everyone else does them.  I tried to make this very different in structure, feel, and flow.  I like a slow build, so I’m definitely guilty as charged in the first ½ - 2/3.  IMO, the payoff is what matters most, and I tend to structure scripts this way.

Sorry this wasn’t for you.  I don’t foresee making the characters out to be saints, though.  They’re all “real people” and real people are flawed.  All the leads here were purposely written to be flawed.  IMO, that doesn’t make them bad people or bad characters.

Thanks again for the great feedback.  I will make that change on page 23 and I appreciate you catching that plot hole.  Let me know when you post a script and I’ll return the favor.

Take care.

I usually like to read all the comments before I add mine, but there are a lot of comments to read here and will not have time but jut wanted to add some thoughts while it is still fresh in my mind

Well done for writing a feature in 7 weeks, it was a great effort considering the time constraints. This is the first thing I have read of yours since Fade to White and it is clear that you have used the time to improve your writing as this is a pretty decent script. Your characters were well devopled, I like the fact you gave them a life outside of Jack's world, exactly what I would expect to see in a strongly developed character. The dialogue was fine and moved the story well, even the sub plot with the dying mum was nicely handled and helped the script feel more rounded.

I have only one real criticism of the story and that is how you have handled the flashbacks, don't get me wrong, the flashbacks themselves are fine and do add to the way the story unfolds. It is how you get to then that bothered me, they seem to appear from nowhere with no trigger at all. Jack just seems to be able to remember whatever he wants whenever someone asks him about a location. I think it is a major flaw in the whole script, which really should be about Jack trying to remember things.

Each flashback should be triggered by something sensual, a sound, a smell, a taste etc.. Let them come naturally to him. It just felt so fake having him remember things perfectly whenever he was asked to. Usually this would not be such a big deal but in the case of this script it obviously is an important element.

Apart from that most other things worked well, maybe a few little niggles, Mitch's appearance for one is a bit strange, if he was left for dead 2 days earlier then how on Earth is he walking about seemingly okay? But on the whole very good.

Okay, one thing tried to ruin the script for me! Mitch Cooper, Sounds far too much like "Mitch Connor" from South Park, Cartman's hand puppet who likes to dress up as Jennifer Lopez and masturbate Ben Affleck. One you get that picture in your head of a main character it is not easy to get it back out!

Apart from that, a decent job here and a script that was a good read.

Nice one.    


EDIT:

P.S.

Just seen the above comments, The Machinist is very well written, very engaging and a very well made film.
There is nothing to debate on that one, if you do not agree you are wrong!