First | I want to address the scene.  I was a bit let down.  Sam sees other people for the first time so she speeds up to get in front of them so she can stop them.  Remember...everyone in her tribe that started from Ottawa has been killed.  It's a BIG deal to have met up with these people.  

Secondly | what happened when they met...did they talk about what was driving them to the falls...did they talk about the things they had experienced, etc.  People coming from different areas would want to know those things in this type of story...and I felt this submission let us down.

Third | This is almost the place where we head to the falls...what happened to the car...we just sort of come back into the story with the hood up on the old station wagon - which is okay...but other than killing Michael's character...this piece did not contribute to building the story. Besides...Why would they have an old station wagon anyway when nearly every car imaginable is available to them?

Maybe I expected more from you darling Ripley   I don't know...but I feel this was a weak effort. Besides...I think it's time for a vehicle caravan   I miss my Barchetta!!   And I have crocodile tears to prove it! lol

I'm not going to say I'm sorry for being tough on you Ripley...but I want to encourage you to not second guess yourself.    

This is such a wonderful story to work on...so many elements to build into it and characterization to develop...a perfect opportunity for all of us to explore and exercise our writing skills.

With regard to the re-write and when  I think that before we write the next section, we should fine tune this section. It could happen at the same time...but I think that would be overwhelming for everyone.   I think George gave some valid ideas for shaping this story into something great.  I don't want to leave the story...but I think we should have a clearer picture before this next portion begins.

I also agree with George that having one person, who knows where this is going (Cornetto) or someone he fills in on the full extent of what he is going for should go through it to build and strengthen the continuity throughout.  Then the characters can come back through to work on any changes in personality dialogue   that don't fit their personna. Mind you without changing the outcome of the scene.

My 2 cents for what it is worth.    

~m~

Not at all guys.Critique is good.

I cut that introduction scene out because its too much or will get to weak. lol. Everyone knows (I knew) at that scene where Sam pats Timber, they're all going to introduce each other. So, I decided to cut that since it was obvious to have happened and didn't want to waste space.

When I wrote the scene with the car's hood up, they are already gotten passed the introductions spew. They've talked and gotten to know each other. The fact that Wolf tells them this is not a safe place and picks up Sam should show how they gotten along. Or when Sam pets Timber.

I agree I kind of made Sam and Leona weak and if I have a chance to rewrite this, I'm going to change that. But they've walked a long way. Wolf is used to this having been already in the forest. The others are not, they always take a car to go to their destination. Wanted to show that difference.

I agree I let down on Sam's and Leona's character. But I think I did well on Wolf and Michael. I'm not the best character developer and I'm still learning. And one thing I learned, try to keeps things simple for oneself. I focused on two characters. As oppose to all four of them since it would get complicated. I've learned through my shorts. lol.

The death of Michael. He doesn't expect to die, but knows it. He's the second guy, So, I figured why not kill him at that moment. Like I said before, I had an elaborate setup with dogs. But I saw that dog scene as giving importance to Michael. He's not noticed throughout. So, it's a full circle for him - not noticed to not noticed. The only thing he changed was his intent on Shiva. He says thanks to the star for the group and relationships he has. I should have expressed that more in the scene.

Thats enough of me rabbling, I'm down with the rewrite. And I like George's idea.

Quoted from MBCgirl Why would they have an old station wagon anyway when nearly every car imaginable is available to them?

I  can answer that since I am the one that introduced the station wagon into the picture.
I never mentioned it was an old station wagon. If I did in passing that is a typo. There are definitely new station wagons being made today with the same aesthetics as your regular sedan and because of their popularity in the soccer mom crowd I assume they will continue to be made in the future.

Also, I understand there are a plethora of cars available to our tribes, considering there is no one else alive but I think they would have to chose between cars that have both space, gas, and that still run.

Which is why they aren't in an SUV. Bad mileage = more stops = takes longer to get to a place and more chances of dying if you stop.

Also, a station wagon has lots of room to haul things like goods, weapons and people. There is also room for someone to lay down and sleep should someone become tired instead of having to be cramped up in a small four door car.
I could have just as easily argued for an introduced a camper instead, or possibly a large van, but i felt a station wagon was much more realistic .

I understand there certainly are cool cars for them to drive and it would be nice to see them driving in a mustang or something cool and nice but to me that seems a little less realistic than a station wagon. I also think a station wagon lends itself to more intimacy between the characters than a bmw or something would, simply because it does become like a moving apartment....that's all.

So, the reason why Michael included it in his scene, was for continuity. Though I wish he would have explained WHY the station wagon (which is not old in the sense that we think old) broke down when i introduced steps to keep it from doing such (the oil from the store). Otherwise, he was keeping continuity.

With regard to the "old station wagon" )  I don't really care what they drive...truly I don't, but I didn't get why their car had broken down...so I put in the word "old"

In my post I just said station wagon, which you are correct Dana...you never said it was old.  It's merely a play on words...but in reality to what you say...a 4x4, even though it uses more gas now...in the future, who's to say it won't be as economical as other cars. A 4x4 would be sturdier in off road situations, etc.  I guess what I am trying to say here...my comment about the car was frivilous banter since they broke down and had to walk and they don't even know where they are going...especially when Sam had a red Barchetta.  I was hoping someone was going to put Michael or Leona in the passenger seat and start a caravan to the falls...instead we are walking and we are at least 50 minutes away by car...and we are on foot...that's a long way.  

Additionally My Dear Ripley...you mentioned you have learned from your shorts to keep things brief...but this isn't a short.  You have an opportunity to make things happen, develop characters...fuel the fire of emotion as we head to Niagara.  Each and everyone is an important link to the past and the future and ultimately the outcome of the overall story.  

I don't think the scene did a good job of setting things up to move us on and that's my biggest gripe about it.  It just sort of "is".

Use your opportunity wisely "Grasshopper" in future.   

Anyway...I've said enough....

Life's never simple especially in this world. I also wanted to show Wolf doing what he does best surviving in the woods or more like it in the streets.  

To MBCGirl, I admit I have a few things to fix in this scene especially the last portion. I'm still learning, master.

I am also a "Grasshopper" ...so completely new at this stuff and it really does take a different mind set.   Writing a story is very different than writing a screenplay and before I write my feature (in the brain already) I wanted to get a true feel for this through the exercises available on this site...so that is exactly why I am here.

Ripley, I don't want to "squash" you...but rather motivate you.  If you ever need any help...or a sounding board...you can count on me!    okay?

OK, I'm sure we're now into the old beating a dead horse deal, but I have to say something else about these recent posts here, and I think it's important.

We all had the ability to put our characters into whatever vehicles we chose, and there aren't any wrong choices...it's merely a matter of personal preference.  But let's undrstand that Detroit to Niagara Falls is less than 240 miles, so just about any vehicle that I'm familiar with would get there on a single tank of gas, and that's based on mileage that vehicles get now...30 years from now, one would imagine that gas mileage would increase, as it's been recently.

The point I want to make here is that when this whole thing started out, it was very easy to get a picture of where each person was starting out, where they were going, how far away it was, and what the possible routes were to get there.  It seems like alot of people didn't do the very basic research necessary to understand this, and that's kind of weak in my mind.

There's a few posts in here in which the scenes don't make any sense just based on where they are, and I just don't understand how anyone could get off course so easily.  I know we've all got stuff going on outside of this little exercise, but it really doesn't take that much to keep things in the realms of plausibility and on course IMO.

Ripley's last post leaves our group somewhere near St. Catherines, which is no way a walk from Niagara Falls.  It's also not a wooded area...it's a town with golf courses, parks, a college...it's a town and I just don't understand what's going on with them leaving a perfectly good car (Sam's) and heading into the woods.  There would be other cars everywhere around here.  Again, it makes me think that there wasn't much thought if any as to where they were, and where they're going.

Sorry for my rants...must be the rare rain we had here this morning.  I don't mean to come off as a know it all or A-Hole, but sometimes I guess I just can't help myself.

You know, Ripley, if you did a minor rewrite to the scene, you wouldn't be the first to do so. Yohn went from no kills to killing someone in the most drastic rewrite. I doubt anyone will fault you for taking feedback and improving it.

Michael can shoot me down on that one if he wants, but this is an exercise as much as a game, so I would think that given the feedback you got, it might be worth revisiting. Depending on who is next on the Detroit tribe, there might be some time.

Oh, and for the record, they topped off the tank in the station wagon in Sarnia where they picked up the car originally.

I'm going to edit it. Just need a breather from it. I'm starting to outline it.

You can revise but don't change the outcome.

Hey Rip, hope you're not pissed about all this feedback.

First question to take into consideration, is, why isn't this scene taking place outside Hamilton, ON, like MBC's post finished with?  That's where they are, and that's where Sam gets out and pets Timber.  How'd they get to St. Catherines?

Start it out from the last post in that area, and you'll be on your way.

Cool?

Webster's going to die. lol. I'm not going to change that one. Thanks for the advice Dreamscale. Don't worry about the critiques. I can take them. I'll have this posted soon.  Now how do i go by posting the revision? Do I have to do it earlier than Jayrex or can I just put it in?  

Just "modify" your actual post.  That would be the easiest, I'd say.

Quoted from Dreamscale Just "modify" your actual post.  That would be the easiest, I'd say.

That's the best way. That way you don't have to worry about beating anyone or deleting the original. Click modify and have at it.

Alright. Thanks guys.