Anywho...

**************************

5th and final draft is posted. Trimmed down Hynek's stuff and tightened more descriptions. shaved off 8 pages from before.

Removed all cliches/stahl's character (good cop/ bad cop)

Added new twists. Looking forward for some exchanges with this.

Thanks again for those who read and offered feedback from 4th draft.

Nice to see that you made some changes to your script. I'm still curious as to how the sequel is coming along. Or are you more focused on getting this one sold... (I'm sorry if I asked this question already, but I want to know)

I noticed with the 5th draft that stuff was cut out, and your errors were pretty much all fixed. I didn't read the whole thing, just looked where the errors were before.

Good job! You've obviously gone through a great deal to get this script as good as it is.

Quoted from Rice Grenades Nice to see that you made some changes to your script. I'm still curious as to how the sequel is coming along. Or are you more focused on getting this one sold...

Thanks!

Sequel- I think either I'll start on it once I get this one sold. But i will make a outline soon on how I want the sequel to play out.

I just been really focused making this best it can be b4 I think of starting new script. I pretty sure (minus of spelling errors) this is the final draftfor the story. Anythin else done to it will just be a revision

As I was reading this, there were 2 thoughts going through my mind at the same time.  The first is that the general idea of this is very interesting, the other is that this story is far more complicated than it really needs to be, which I'll explain in further detail.

I think what really caught me off guard here was the incredible volume of characters that are included in here.  It seemed like on every page there was someone new being introduced and they came from some agency or enforcement branch or something.  That being said, I think half of the characters could be eliminated and it wouldn't take anything away from the story.  Specifically, Rallins, McCaine, Duncan and a bunch of minor characters who probably didn't really merit names because their parts were so small, guys like Moore, Thompson, etc.  

The thing is that those characters convoluted the pages with content that could of easily been said by someone else.  I mean, okay, it starts off as a military thing, then the FBI get in on it and the police and soon there's a press conference and everybody knows and it's just ahhh!  It seems like more of a deal was made out of it than it really needed to be, because there was no mass chaos outside of the agencies trying to stop this supernatural/paranormalish deal.  And toward the end when Duncan was going to rape Hartley, I was like what?  I thought it was...well I just don't think it should be there because there wasn't much of a point IMO.  

Honestly, I think all of those characters can be taken out and keep the investigation down to Hartley and Stahl and everything it would still be fine.  Troy I think lacked the charisma/personality of a main character.  Going through the story I saw him as a deadpan guy, kind of like Buster Keaton, but even Buster would give more personality at times than what I saw from Troy.  As some others have pointed out, there is no real clear objective until deeper into the story, and I think that takes away from the immediate development of Troy's character.  

Hartley and Stahl I felt were good.  If you so desired, you could create a subplot of a love story between Hartley and Troy...have her as a widowed mother or something.  Just food for thought.  Stahl was the general asshole(reminded me of Dignam from "The Departed."  Great movie, check it out!) with some funny quirks here and there.  Kept it interesting.  The realization that Sarah is The Mime didn't really sweep me off my feet because, well, her character was just kind of there as well.  I think if she had more lines then I would of been more surprised.  Basically, if it was revealed that Stahl was The Mime, that would of surprised me more in that situation, just so you can see how I'm basing my opinion here.

Okay, one part where I'm honestly just so confused here.  What is the relationship between Morbid and Arkon?  Or is there one?  Morbid almost kills Troy in the script's opener and then he returns later on.  I got that.  But where is Arkon in all of this?  I know that he got this power decades ago, but I'm confused as to how that plays into what's going on.  Honestly, I think I got lost trying to keep track of everyone.  But that's just me!

Storywise this was pretty cool.  I like the whole concept of all the psi-things-with-big-words that you were using and I REALLY liked the concept of humans already having these powers imbedded in them but having to learn how to use them.  I thought that whole creation was very gnarley.  I think I like Sarah more as The Mime.  The picture you got there on the first page(and I think in your avatar, I don't know I can't look at the moment) is a very shaggadelic creation.  Spooky, yet elegant.  

Even though I've bashed on Troy and Sarah, it was nice to see that Sarah survived at the end and the two of them moved on.  I know she got on his ass for not saving the mother, and at first when Sarah died I was like what?  Why doesn't he help her?  But you threw that in toward the end so it was a sweet ending on their part.  I also think you should include a theory of Newton's somewhere in here, just so you can connect the title and the story more.  Honestly, I didn't know what a Newton's Cradle was before I read this(I mean I did, but I didn't know the name), but then again, I'm an idiot sometimes.  

So overall it was an interesting read.  The concept is good.  The promise is good.  The pacing and the characters are my major beef.  That being said, it looks like you've got alot going for this script, so I wish you the best of luck, mate!  Go get 'em!

Quoted from greg I think what really caught me off guard here was the incredible volume of characters that are included in here.  It seemed like on every page there was someone new being introduced and they came from some agency or enforcement branch or something.  That being said, I think half of the characters could be eliminated and it wouldn't take anything away from the story.  Specifically, Rallins, McCaine, Duncan and a bunch of minor characters who probably didn't really merit names because their parts were so small, guys like Moore, Thompson, etc.

Ah! You read my 4th draft, guess u downloaded it and didnt notice I posted new draft couple days ago.

I removed more characters and made quite afew changes... took of 8 pages.

Quoted from greg   And toward the end when Duncan was going to rape Hartley, I was like what?  I thought it was...well I just don't think it should be there because there wasn't much of a point IMO.

I did this to put her in peril and she gets out of it by herself . Show her character is tough.

Quoted from greg Honestly, I think all of those characters can be taken out and keep the investigation down to Hartley and Stahl and everything it would still be fine.

New version it is just hartley.

Quoted from greg Troy I think lacked the charisma/personality of a main character.

The clear goal is for hartley to find the killer. I see where u are coming for tho.
But there are 3 main character stories.

Hartley is the tru protagonist. think 'Heat'. Robert deniro and al pacino. clearly we follow deniro more with his story but the hero is pacino.

There Troy's story, Sarah's and Hartley's.


Hartley and Stahl I felt were good.  If you so desired, you could create a subplot of a love story between Hartley and Troy...have her as a widowed mother or something.  Just food for thought.  Stahl was the general asshole(reminded me of Dignam from "The Departed."  Great movie, check it out!) [/quote]

Did you realize how many character were in Departed?;0)

I did alil build up for the love there but it will come circle in the sequel.

Quoted from greg Okay, one part where I'm honestly just so confused here.  What is the relationship between Morbid and Arkon?  Or is there one?  Morbid almost kills Troy in the script's opener and then he returns later on.  I got that.  But where is Arkon in all of this?  I know that he got this power decades ago, but I'm confused as to how that plays into what's going on.  Honestly, I think I got lost trying to keep track of everyone.  But that's just me!

In this terms. Think the sith lord in star wars episode one. HE is the man behind the madness, yet he doesnt do the hands on work. Darth Maul does this for him.

Quoted from greg Storywise this was pretty cool.  I like the whole concept of all the psi-things-with-big-words that you were using and I REALLY liked the concept of humans already having these powers imbedded in them but having to learn how to use them.  I thought that whole creation was very gnarley.

Thanks!

So did I make it believable enough that is could be possible to you?

Quoted from greg I think I like Sarah more as The Mime.  The picture you got there on the first page(and I think in your avatar, I don't know I can't look at the moment) is a very shaggadelic creation.  Spooky, yet elegant.

Yea, Sarah is my favorite. Thanks about the design. My friend made it for me!

Quoted from greg Even though I've bashed on Troy and Sarah, it was nice to see that Sarah survived at the end and the two of them moved on.  I know she got on his ass for not saving the mother, and at first when Sarah died I was like what?  Why doesn't he help her?  But you threw that in toward the end so it was a sweet ending on their part.

Thanks! I recommend looking at the new draft. I form a clearer picture for the new ending for the reasons behind this on page 89-95

Quoted from greg I also think you should include a theory of Newton's somewhere in here, just so you can connect the title and the story more.  Honestly, I didn't know what a Newton's Cradle was before I read this(I mean I did, but I didn't know the name), but then again, I'm an idiot sometimes.

Great suggestion! But I already did with the new draft hehe!! So its there!!

Quoted from greg So overall it was an interesting read.  The concept is good.  The promise is good.  The pacing and the characters are my major beef.  That being said, it looks like you've got alot going for this script, so I wish you the best of luck, mate!  Go get 'em!

Thanks Greg and I wish you best luck aswell!

Quoted Text Ah! You read my 4th draft, guess u downloaded it and didnt notice I posted new draft couple days ago.

Damn it, I didn't take note.  The first post has the last update on February 7th, and I saved it onto my desktop earlier this month, so I just assumed this was the new draft.  But you said you addressed some of the things I said, so good job!

Quoted Text Did you realize how many character were in Departed?;0)

Haha.  The thing with that though is that it's easier to follow when one guy is saying "fuck you, cunt" and another is saying "take a whiff of my ass" and the other is saying "it raises like a 12 year old's dick"  

Quoted Text In this terms. Think the sith lord in star wars episode one. HE is the man behind the madness, yet he doesnt do the hands on work. Darth Maul does this for him.

Check.  I got lost somewhere in there, but now it makes sense since Morbid was the guy doing the dirty work.

Quoted Text So did I make it believable enough that is could be possible to you?

I believe it, not just for the story but also in real life.  I think all humans possess something special inside of them, but no one really knows how to use it on command(i.e. superhuman strength).

Quoted Text Thanks! I recommend looking at the new draft. I form a clearer picture for the new ending for the reasons behind this on page 89-95

I think you're confused...the questions I typed were what I said as I was reading, but the ending I DID get.  And I read the last 6 pages here and it definitely paves the way for a sequel.

So, good job!  I'll see you in Hollywood next month.

Excellent format, for the most part.  It made me wanna go back and fix a few things in my own work, with respect to breaking up my lines of action to, at the most, four lines.  I seem to break this rule quite a bit, reading other produced scripts that seemed to have gotten away with six or seven lines of action.  Your script would be a good teaching tool for young students on how to write "fast moving action" in a screenplay.  

I noticed some misspelled words here and there, a few missing commas.  Some typos are still here and there in your dialogue.  And with respect to sounds in your script, like gunfire, they should ALL be capitalized, no matter what.  That's the worst thing I could say about the read.  I can tell this is probably your eighth or ninth draft of this thing.  Lots of work and research into Quantim physics.  Nice work.      

I found the tie in to Jesus' healing power very original and interesting.  "We all have these powers, if you believe" is something I haven't seen before.  But be careful with this, not to offend your Christian audience.  It's a very controversial theme that could make or break your movie at the box office.  Just a warning.

Sarah as the mime was shocking and didn't see it coming.  I never really figured out how Dr. Zahn was using Troy, Sarah and the other "test experiments" to do his evil.  I'm sure we're to assume that this Quantim mechanics lab is simply a place to harness this power for purposes of the government?  A federal bank heist?  I'm not sure I read this part correctly.  I'd love for you to explain this part of the story to me, cause I got lost here.  

There are lots of interesting speeches and talks about energy, physics and the Bible that were fun to read and kept me interested.  I loved Hynek's speeches about "reality on a subatomic level", although it reminded me a lot of the Quantim physics professor's speech in Prince of Darkness.  I could picture him in my mind when reading this.  Any relation to that movie?  

Well-staged action sequences and cool MIME concept seems like a great commercial idea with potential for a cult audience, much like V for Vendetta.  Be ready to hear some nay-sayers who'll compare this script to the X-MEN movies and dismiss it as a copycat.  I would concentrate A LOT more on Sarah and her story.  I would go so far as to make her "sexier", more of a vixen like Catwoman, who'd be fun to watch go from an average, ordinary young woman to something a lot edgier and sexy.  Remember, she is the "superhero" type in this script, not so much Troy.  I wanted to see more character development with Sarah.  I wanted to see her transition.          

I would suggest to you some more of a back story into the main characters, not so much Hartley and the other agents.  We don't need to know anymore about them.  I would have liked to see more about Troy's background and harnessing his strengths and powers for the good.  

What did Troy do with these powers after his first confrontation with Morbid?  

I'd like to see this movie go more into Troy's "self-discovery" as a super hero and how he deals with his new found powers, much like the original Superman movies and the new Spider Man series.  I'd like to see how Sarah dealt with this too.  Show us how she dealt with all that was happening to her, not just through a bunch of flashbacks.  This is the real meaty stuff your audience identifies with and really gets into. (SPIDER MAN 3 is basing their whole film on this concept, good vs. bad inside us.)  Not just scenes full of wild action and death.  Remember...STORY is more important that ACTION.  I think this is where the last X-MEN movie failed.  Watch parts 1 and 2, then 3.  You'll see what I'm talking about.

The last ten pages of Newton's Cradle seemed like one big flashback.  It was easy to get lost and lose interest.  I understood that Rallins and the government was still covering everything up, but it seems like it took a lot for us to get to that point.

All n' all, great concept with a lot going for it.  Just be sure to add some of that "human emotion" I was talking about.  You'll need a lot of it to go up against other similar films in the genre.  Make your dramatic scenes much more "dramatic" and pour out the souls of your characters on page so we can see them.  I would have to grade this script as a pure action film, not so much a moving drama with a real heart at the center of it.  Find that steady balance of the two and you've got a real contender with this one.

I hope I was helpful and good luck on the re-writes (if any).

4 out of 5 stars from me.  

Take care,
Eric              
                      

Quoted from greg Haha.  The thing with that though is that it's easier to follow when one guy is saying "fuck you, cunt" and another is saying "take a whiff of my ass" and the other is saying "it raises like a 12 year old's dick"

Yea, but that is watching it. Be easier to follow on screen.. face to a character.

Quoted from greg I believe it, not just for the story but also in real life.  I think all humans possess something special inside of them, but no one really knows how to use it on command(i.e. superhuman strength).

Same here!

Quoted from greg I think you're confused...the questions I typed were what I said as I was reading, but the ending I DID get.  And I read the last 6 pages here and it definitely paves the way for a sequel.

Thanks for looking at it! You said what exactly my consultant told me. New ending to more clearly open for sequel.

Quoted from greg So, good job!  I'll see you in Hollywood next month.

Be there or be..... square..

Quoted from ericdickson Excellent format, for the most part.  It made me wanna go back and fix a few things in my own work, with respect to breaking up my lines of action to, at the most, four lines.  I seem to break this rule quite a bit, reading other produced scripts that seemed to have gotten away with six or seven lines of action.  Your script would be a good teaching tool for young students on how to write "fast moving action" in a screenplay.

Thanks for taking notice for this. One thing you cant look at is a production script. It is different for the spec script you know. And or once deal is made you can break some rules.

Student tool? Wow... never thoughtit was the greatest but anyone is welcome to try and duplicate the action lines by my demostration!

Quoted from ericdickson   And with respect to sounds in your script, like gunfire, they should ALL be capitalized, no matter what.  That's the worst thing I could say about the read.

I've been told by many real professional that is old fashion and no longer practice with spec scripts these days. Same goes for Cont'd after action break. saved just for page breaks.

Quoted from ericdickson I can tell this is probably your eighth or ninth draft of this thing.  Lots of work and research into Quantim physics.  Nice work.

Thanks! Actually my 5th draft.     But thanks... I keep plugging away... writing is rewriting! Those that now better know this!

Quoted from ericdickson I found the tie in to Jesus' healing power very original and interesting.  "We all have these powers, if you believe" is something I haven't seen before.  But be careful with this, not to offend your Christian audience.  It's a very controversial theme that could make or break your movie at the box office.  Just a warning.

Great, I glad you found it interesting and believable. When bringing a known element like telekinesis into a movie. I had to put my special twist on it to make it new and my own  and I was happy with what I came up with. Like other said instead of followin back on evolution junk.

But I see what you are saving make or brake. But When I look back at the controversial films with religous tie in. Da Vnci's code, passion, all did well. even tho church said dont watch lol. it Makes people want to watch it and see what the fuss is over!

Quoted from ericdickson Sarah as the mime was shocking and didn't see it coming.

Good deal. This was due to alot of feedback with brnging her out earlier in the script.Previous drafts she never was seen til the reveal.

Quoted from ericdickson I never really figured out how Dr. Zahn was using Troy, Sarah and the other "test experiments" to do his evil.  I'm sure we're to assume that this Quantim mechanics lab is simply a place to harness this power for purposes of the government?  A federal bank heist?  I'm not sure I read this part correctly.  I'd love for you to explain this part of the story to me, cause I got lost here.

Zahn testd Troy when he was younger, he explains this briefly.  Dr. Zahn wants what they have. Rallins briefly says Troy has been under the radar until here recently. During that time. He kidnapped Sarah, to try and get from her. Failing there. He constructed his machine.

With the breakin. he convinces the gov to go after Troy just so he can get ahold of Troy to use the machine. Knowing Troy didnt do it. He sets up the bar fight so he can send "evidence" of his ability so gov can legal hold him. The blood found since it was Sarah's from the ebginning. It matches Troy's DNA so now along with the video he can arrest Troy.

He soon realizes with Troy continuous escpaes he cant be made to go where he doesnt want to be. So he lets them for him. Setting the trap to hold Hartley who he believe is sweet on.

Quoted from ericdickson There are lots of interesting speeches and talks about energy, physics and the Bible that were fun to read and kept me interested.  I loved Hynek's speeches about "reality on a subatomic level", although it reminded me a lot of the Quantim physics professor's speech in Prince of Darkness.  I could picture him in my mind when reading this.  Any relation to that movie?

Great! I rewrote that character from my 1st design of him as a professor. It came off dull, So I rewrote him as a wild card hermit type of guy.

he is one of my favs! I've never heard of the movie.

What is it about?

Quoted from ericdickson Well-staged action sequences and cool MIME concept seems like a great commercial idea with potential for a cult audience, much like V for Vendetta.

Thanks. Did they bore you any? I tried my best to make it one different. !st 2 was to try and contrast Troy to possibly being the mime since he used knives in the beginning. But Morbid had the white lightso it would a toss up of who it was.

I really really wanted to see a new movie with num chuck action and non have brought it back! I thought when i 1st watched matrix reloaded it was going to use it to fight but quickly disappointed with the sy's.

Did you understand why they used weapons?

I had the mask white prior to the new draft. I had this design b4 V for V came out and I was quickly compared to it, which was adrag. So I had to adjust and I'm glad i did.

Quoted from ericdickson Be ready to hear some nay-sayers who'll compare this script to the X-MEN movies and dismiss it as a copycat.

I dont worry to much about this. This is R rated blood and breakin bones 'superhero' type. It much anti-hero but hero movie.

Quoted from ericdickson I would concentrate A LOT more on Sarah and her story.  I would go so far as to make her "sexier", more of a vixen like Catwoman, who'd be fun to watch go from an average, ordinary young woman to something a lot edgier and sexy.  Remember, she is the "superhero" type in this script, not so much Troy.  I wanted to see more character development with Sarah.  I wanted to see her transition. I would suggest to you some more of a back story into the main characters, not so much Hartley and the other agents.  We don't need to know anymore about them.  I would have liked to see more about Troy's background and harnessing his strengths and powers for the good.

I will in the sequel. The pace of the story  is non stop. This what I was going for... More character building would slow it down for too many characters. Gotta save certain aspects.

Like speed I setup alot just for the sequel. She will be main character in it.    

Quoted from ericdickson I'd like to see this movie go more into Troy's "self-discovery" as a super hero and how he deals with his new found powers

He is born knowing how. Would take to many times jumps doing this, this time around.
And so is sarah

Quoted from ericdickson The last ten pages of Newton's Cradle seemed like one big flashback.  It was easy to get lost and lose interest.  I understood that Rallins and the government was still covering everything up, but it seems like it took a lot for us to get to that point.

So it was bad last 10 pages for you?

Quoted from ericdickson All n' all, great concept with a lot going for it.   I would have to grade this script as a pure action film, not so much a moving drama with a real heart at the center of it.  Find that steady balance of the two and you've got a real contender with this one. 4 out of 5 stars from me.

            

Thanks, I know what you are sayin here. And I do agree. Its so much to do that my pace wont allow yet. Again I will do this just maybe just not yet in this draft, depending on what I hear back from producers and agents Ill be talkin with soon.

I'm just counting on the originality of the story to beat out similar genre thus far.

Great comment and suggestions. Goin back to reading Night of the red phantom!

Hi JD,

Here is what I have for you so far on my review of Unholy Cry (Newton's Cradle).

I usually read and write down as I go along so I hope some of my comments can help you in some way.

P1: Straight from the helicoptor opening, TROY is then in a forest spying on militants. The area where TROY is distanced from the militants is not made clear enough
and this also kind of clashes with the opening helicoptor scene. Makes me think, is this helicoptor scene even needed? It clashes a little too much and reads a little rushed.

Throwing knives? Maybe he just takes out two knives and throws them as it might sound better that way.

P2: I assume these throwing knives are some special weopon in the way they just took out three militants with one throw! Make that four!

P6: Just have to say, you certainly dont waste time! Straight from the dream scene to a fatal crash and already you let us know TROY has this power which he can only use in/ for a right reason. Interesting stuff. I like the pace, it surely has to drop down soon but it makes a promising opening.

P8: Is it not "You havnt returned my calls"?

P10: I'm liking this idea TROY has this conflict where he has this power but is reluctant or unable to use it yet. The alley scene was good and definitly highlighted this.

P14: I like the design of the mask that the MIME wears.  I am wondering though how you can see a black tear shape on a black mask.
The power the MIME has is pretty awesome. Some kind of telepathic/telekenesis ability. Written very well and the pace is still yet to drop, which is great.

P16: The poster art you have is pretty impressive and I bet the scene at the top of page 16 would look cool visually on screen too.

"He stabs Marine Four him in the collar bone"  I think you need to cut the "him" out here in this sentence.

Just a small point to make. I see you dont use transitions. This is the first script I have read that has never included them. It may be perfectly fine to not use them or add them in but it does help tell the reader we are changing scene. However, in such a fast paced script as this, I would imagine it would only clog things down and make the final script a lot larger then it need be. Just wondering why you didnt add them?

P18: I think Rallins needs to add "condition" to his dialouge here.

P21: There is a missing gap in Rallins' dialouge at the top of page.

So far, I have read thirty pages and will aim to read another thirty before Monday. Its a really enjoyable read so far, quick, seemingly simple (but it's not!) and it flows excellently. I think your format, is times, different to what Im used to but it is refreshing and once I adapted to it, found it really enjoyable.

Quoted from Scoob P1: Straight from the helicoptor opening, TROY is then in a forest spying on militants. The area where TROY is distanced from the militants is not made clear enough and this also kind of clashes with the opening helicoptor scene. Makes me think, is this helicoptor scene even needed? It clashes a little too much and reads a little rushed.

This scene is tp setup what they are after, why the team is not with Troy, and that he is in charge.

Quoted from Scoob Throwing knives? Maybe he just takes out two knives and throws them as it might sound better that way.

Good point. But there is a difference in throwing knives and general knives

Quoted from Scoob P8: Is it not "You havnt returned my calls"?

He is drunk, I will literate this better. So it dont come off a wrong word, when its done on purpose.

Quoted from Scoob P10: I'm liking this idea TROY has this conflict where he has this power but is reluctant or unable to use it yet. The alley scene was good and definitly highlighted this.

Good deal, this is what I'm aiming for and part of Troy's developement

Quoted from Scoob P14: I like the design of the mask that the MIME wears.  I am wondering though how you can see a black tear shape on a black mask. The power the MIME has is pretty awesome. Some kind of telepathic/telekenesis ability. Written very well and the pace is still yet to drop, which is great. P16: The poster art you have is pretty impressive and I bet the scene at the top of page 16 would look cool visually on screen too.

Thx! I hope it does too!

Quoted from Scoob "He stabs Marine Four him in the collar bone"  I think you need to cut the "him" out here in this sentence.

Thanks for point out... Fixed

Quoted from Scoob Just a small point to make. I see you dont use transitions. This is the first script I have read that has never included them. It may be perfectly fine to not use them or add them in but it does help tell the reader we are changing scene. However, in such a fast paced script as this, I would imagine it would only clog things down and make the final script a lot larger then it need be. Just wondering why you didnt add them?

Switching to INT or EXT states a transition without saying. Havin transition in a spec script is not needed and waste of space.

Quoted from Scoob P18: I think Rallins needs to add "condition" to his dialouge here. P21: There is a missing gap in Rallins' dialouge at the top of page.

Fixed thx!

Quoted from Scoob So far, I have read thirty pages and will aim to read another thirty before Monday. Its a really enjoyable read so far, quick, seemingly simple (but it's not!) and it flows excellently. I think your format, is times, different to what Im used to but it is refreshing and once I adapted to it, found it really enjoyable.

Thanks again, look forward to rest of your input.

Hi JD, sorry for the delay but here is the rest of what I have for ya. Its not a lot, but I hope it helps in some way.

P33: The bar fight was really well written. I definitly have learned a lot from this scene alone on how to write an action scene so well.

P41: The DNA revelation is an interesting move, I didnt expect it to be linked to Troy. Im left with the thought it must be a relation or some kind of genetic clone maybe?
Definitly an interesting turn of events, though.

P51: Whoa. I didnt expect the mime to be a woman. Especially Troy's daughter! Interesting twist. I kind of feel dumb now for not realizing this - it just had been a long time since Sarah was involved. Very good though, nice one!

P59: LOL at Hynek and his multiple cigarette smoking! I like his character - mad energy drink addicted scientist. His monkey tale is well written, interesting and I found it quite humuorous aswell.

P66: Hynek's theory is interesting and fascinating. It gives a good reason for the powers of Troy and Sarah and Im glad you explained it such a simple and enjoyable way.
P70: Just adding that I think the theory of Hynek was really good. Nicely written.

P82: You have "Hartley and Hartley are among them".
P83: Pike Axe = Pick Axe.  No biggie.

P86: Sarah dying - actually I was not too happy about this which is a good thing in that you obviously made her such a good character. I kind of felt sorry for her.
P93: Well, Im glad Sarah is alive lol  Would have been nice to see more of this Arkon fellow but I bet that will come in the sequal!

And finished.

Well, awesome really. Great finish, sets up a sequal rather nicely. I take it you are or plan on working on one.
Overall, definitly one of the best scripts I have read, I learned a lot myself and was entertained throughout. The pace never dropped and I cant say I was ever really
bored or wanted to put it down. The characters were well developed, and as much as they could have been to wrap this nicely at 95 pages. I think you did a great job on getting it at that number because it so easily could have been a lot more.

I really enjoyed it, certainly a great idea and one to really try and push ahead with.

All the best,

Quoted from Scoob Hi JD, sorry for the delay but here is the rest of what I have for ya. Its not a lot, but I hope it helps in some way. P33: The bar fight was really well written. I definitly have learned a lot from this scene alone on how to write an action scene so well.

Thx, u should have seen how iorginally thick and long it was lol! I hope you can take it for what it is worth and apply to your writing!

Quoted from Scoob P41: The DNA revelation is an interesting move, I didnt expect it to be linked to Troy. Im left with the thought it must be a relation or some kind of genetic clone maybe? Definitly an interesting turn of events, though.

i'm glad it through you for a loop, I'm going to try and cast what if he is the mime, but then again I carefully say traces, not complete match. But good guess on relation.

Quoted from Scoob P51: Whoa. I didnt expect the mime to be a woman. Especially Troy's daughter! Interesting twist. I kind of feel dumb now for not realizing this - it just had been a long time since Sarah was involved. Very good though, nice one!

Good deal, but It may be considered a "cheat" since I describe the mime as a he until the reveal. But visiually The mim will look like a guy and the mask does too. Sarah is less gifted in the chest area to make this work.

Dont be! Its meant to be surprise, it would be hard to place her there with what everything is goin on. I wanted her to be seen and forgotten! Thanks!

Quoted from Scoob P59: LOL at Hynek and his multiple cigarette smoking! I like his character - mad energy drink addicted scientist. His monkey tale is well written, interesting and I found it quite humuorous aswell.

Good to hear this. My original Hynek was boring ( was a professor) Since its so much to take in, I turned him into more interesting comin from a off the wall character and like u said humorous.

Quoted from Scoob P66: Hynek's theory is interesting and fascinating. It gives a good reason for the powers of Troy and Sarah and Im glad you explained it such a simple and enjoyable way. P70: Just adding that I think the theory of Hynek was really good. Nicely written.

Another good thing to hear, no one yet has been thrown off by y theories that hynek delivers. I just wonder what real churchy people would feel about this?  

Did u understand how the moneky tale tied in with the theory? As a metaphor for humans?

Quoted from Scoob P82: You have "Hartley and Hartley are among them". P83: Pike Axe = Pick Axe.  No biggie.

Thanks fixed!

Quoted from Scoob P86: Sarah dying - actually I was not too happy about this which is a good thing in that you obviously made her such a good character. I kind of felt sorry for her. P93: Well, Im glad Sarah is alive lol  Would have been nice to see more of this Arkon fellow but I bet that will come in the sequal!

Good! I'm glad u felt for her, that is what I wnated to come across, a killer with a cause, that u dont want to see die. That you can connect with and understand their pain.

I mean, hell in V for Vendetta he killed police in the tower just doin their jobs.. so should my character be anyless liked? Cuz people stand in her way for revenge?

Quoted from Scoob Well, awesome really. Great finish, sets up a sequal rather nicely. I take it you are or plan on working on one. Overall, definitly one of the best scripts I have read, I learned a lot myself and was entertained throughout. The pace never dropped and I cant say I was ever really bored or wanted to put it down. The characters were well developed, and as much as they could have been to wrap this nicely at 95 pages. I think you did a great job on getting it at that number because it so easily could have been a lot more. I really enjoyed it, certainly a great idea and one to really try and push ahead with. All the best,

Thx for review! Yea my 1st draft was at 122 pages i think =p. ou are right, I could add more, but I think it would hurt the pacing, I wanted thngs to keep happening with in 2 pages of another, which is damn hard to do and get right... "but with time..."

and best of luck with your rewrite on Malevolent!

Questions:
**********************

Did u like the final show down with morbid/troy/sarah? or did it feel like what you have already read in earlier fight scenes?

How was the dialogue for you overall?

Ever get confused at any point?

Hi JD, hope the review was handy, it was a great read.

I think the Mime works great and I dont think you need to change how you describe it as him or her.  It made the surprise pay off although I can see your point about it being pretty difficult to tell who it might be.

I understood and enjoyed the theory and I do like things like that. I think there are so many ways of breaking down certain religions and making them into something else, in my opinion they are are stories themselves most of the time so I enjoy different outlooks and theories that concern them. I think you did a great job with your one.

I can imagine some religious people getting all bent out of shape about it, but they do all the time anyway lol

I havnt seen V for Vendetta as yet so I was unable to latch onto any comparison to that and your script, but I did feel sorry for Sarah.
I dont think you should change her character. Sure she is a cold blooded killer in some respects but the fact she is a character that I ended up finding likable I think is interesting and see no reason why you should take it out other then to dilute your script to a more straight down the line kind of thing.

I did like the final battle - it felt pretty superheroish, which in a way, I guess it what it was. It was different because of who was fighting who and there powers are immense so I enjoyed it.  

Dialouge, for me , was as spot on as I think you could have wished for. It was very good, in almost every line it involved the story and kept it moving at a fast pace.
Hartley, at one stage I did think was a bit of a bitch to be honest when she went back to get Troy but I guess she was just doing her job. It was good, I felt she was going to be a love interest for Troy but Im happy you didnt take it to that level.

And as for your final question, I was only confused momentarily as I knew the answers would more then likely pop up on the next page or a little further down the line. So all in all, I got it pretty much in one go which is a credit to you as a writer.

All the best!

Quoted from Scoob And as for your final question, I was only confused momentarily as I knew the answers would more then likely pop up on the next page or a little further down the line. So all in all, I got it pretty much in one go which is a credit to you as a writer. All the best!

Thanks again for the feedback scoob!

********Update********

Currently Im a semi finalist on this competition ---- noted from email

Hello J D Davis ,

Please accept our sincerest Congratulations as we inform you that your
project,"Newton's Cradle" is a semi-finalist in the Global Art Film
Festival
2007 Screenplay Writing competition.

We wish you continued success as the competition continues into the finals.

You will be contacted via email if you are successful in reaching the finals.

Finalists will be placed upon our website on our winners page.

Finally, The top three winners will be notified by email and announced
and
presented with a Screenplay Writing Competition award at our
Hollywood Dinner-Party Awards, Sat. June 9, 2007.

Should you require additional information or assistance, please contact
me
via email or you may telephone at (916) 804-7333 / (310) 699-4569

Thank you.

My Best
Loren Reed
Global Art Film Festival Founder/Film Festival Director
************************************************
And quarter final ( 2nd round) for this one - noted from email---

CONGRATULATIONS !!!  Your screenplay "Newton's Cradle" has advanced to

the second round. Moving up to the 2nd round means that there are new

judges reading your entire screenplay. The higher up your screenplay

advances the better chance it has to win or be picked up by a

production company seeking this type of screenplay. Also, at these

levels we have producers, directors and other influential people

reading your screenplay. Each judge is given a score card sheet after

reading each screenplay. After a separate group tally's the score the

highest scored screenplays advance to the next level. Sound Heritage

does not influence the judges scores or decisions. If your screenplay

advances to the third level you will be notified by email only.  Good

Luck !!!



Sound Heritage Production
**************************************************

Im sent my final draft to my consultant,  he is sending off to his connection for opinion. From here I'll find out about representation.

Thanks again everyone!

*************UPDATE************

Made Finals!
http://www.gaffers.org/screenwriting2007.html