This is good. You've got the genre down gold. I can Imagine a young Sly Stallone writing something like this. There is one problem, though, that would make this a difficult sell.
Basic grammar errors, things like "it's" for "its" ..."which" when it should be "who" etc.

I'm also wondering about your action sequences. Breaking down action into small paragraphs is just the way the book says you're supposed to do, but I've just finished reading the script "Smoking Aces" and they seem to do it more professionally. Look at page 39 of the script at the bottom where the Tremors take  out the bail bondsmen.

This script is on the SimplyScripts front page.

The action is done in six line paragraphs which to me looks better and reads fuller.

Getting back to grammar. "its" is possive, and it's always "who" not "which" when you're talking about people.

One other observation: Is the Mime a superhero? If not, he just seems to me to be too unbelievable. Nobody takes out nine seals. I'd be careful with that kind of thing.

ricland

Quoted from blackwrite This is good. You've got the genre down gold. I can Imagine a young Sly Stallone writing something like this. There is one problem, though, that would make this a difficult sell. Basic grammar errors, things like "it's" for "its" ..."which" when it should be "who" etc.

Thanks, hopefully I make it to finals on sellascript.com! Find out tomorrow if I make semi finals. I will go back thru it soon with those minor corrections!

Quoted from blackwrite I'm also wondering about your action sequences. Breaking down action into small paragraphs is just the way the book says you're supposed to do, but I've just finished reading the script "Smoking Aces" and they seem to do it more professionally. Look at page 39 of the script at the bottom where the Tremors take  out the bail bondsmen. This script is on the SimplyScripts front page. The action is done in six line paragraphs which to me looks better and reads fuller.

Ill look at this. You can't compare to a shooting script and also to the fact he can write whatever he wants, cuz he is directing it. His action should be broke up yet its more then 5 lines rules, and have speech in action part. Not something to like for us amatuers

Quoted from blackwrite One other observation: Is the Mime a superhero? If not, he just seems to me to be too unbelievable. Nobody takes out nine seals. I'd be careful with that kind of thing. ricland

You could say that yes, but this is my version of an anti hero R rated story. I  take it you didnt finish to find the answer to super hero question? Anywho thanks for the feedback!

UPDATE*******************

I made it into SEMI FINALS, wish me luck for finals!

http://www.soyouwannasellascript.com/source/competitionplacings.cfm?competitionyear=200

*************************

Third draft is up, with changes from great feedback!

I'm halfway through. Here are my thoughts so far.

SPOILERS......................................................................................................................................................................

I still like "T.K" better.

The smoke and blood coming out of the guy's neck was cool.

I really like the beginning scene with Troy and Morbid. It gives Morbid more of a purpose and a bigger role in this, and sets up more possibilities forthe mime later on.

However, I don't really like the pacing of the first act. The scene with hartley and Hynek I like, but don't think it really works intercut piece by piece throughout the whole thing. How 'bout just putting it in intercutting it when the war room stuff. Or have it in it's entirity later, when it falls more appropriately on the timeline. I'm not sure exactly when the scene's supposed to come in now since I'm not completely through. But just think it needs to be a complete scene.

I aslo didn't like Johna's scene, or Troy in the hospital, or the gangsters beating on the kid. How 'bout just having Troy left for dead and Morbid getting away, and then cutting to the mime's stuff years later? And I also liked the full scene you had before with the mime with the gaurds talking with eachother before the mime stuff went down, in here you just get right into the action too quickly I think.

I like the look of the mime more now. The white light was a nice touch.

I also like the new additions of Morbid trying to stop those who abuse the power, and traveling energy of the Newton's cradle, and the speech with Hynek on the monkey situation, and being able to manifest what you want, and tying it all in with the bible and Jesus.

Did you punch up the dialogue between Troy and Stahl in this, cuz it's a lot better than I remember it. A LOT better and it's pretty humorous.

Yeah, but you did a great job with the first act in this. That was the weakest part of the last version. Aside from the three scenes I mentioned that I didn't like and the pacing, the is a big step up.

pg 9 - Hynek saying "she at it...and it was good" I think he should say "and she liked it" instead. "and it was good" just sounds like he's reading the monkey's mind or something.

top pg 34 - "...what your talking about" should be YOU'RE.

pg 49 - Hynek's referred to as Henry.

When the kids run to Troy's class, you say they trout when it should be trot

bottom pg 53 - period needed after O.S(.)

pg 58 - Should be (AN) empty bed.

pg 60 - "The mimes throws a punch"

pg 78 - "Hartley sits next to Stahl are on computer. "

pg 82 - Again, no period after O.S. and again bottom pg 94

The scenes where Sarah tries for the cab and going to the cemetary could probably be lost too, as she just stole a car anyways, and it'd be better to just take it from the cellar where Troy wakes up and finds Sarah.

You say Duncan undresses, but how much? Why not just say something specific. ie, unbuckles pants, takes off belt, etc.

pg 93 - MORBID - "Whoso sheddeth..."

How 'bout an encounter with Morbid instead? Troy could handle Zahn, and then come up on Sarah, right after Morbid kills her and tends to her and then she comes back to life.

You've bounc around from O.C. to O.S. quite a bit.

Morbid seems a little long winded at times.

pg 100 - You say pictures of Sarah/Mime, but which one. Is she herself or have the mask on?

Final thoughts, a big improvement from the last draft. You had more fun with/explored these themes which was cool. Aside from the scenes I think you could cut out, and putting Hartley's conversation with Hynek where it should be and just intercutting it with SArah and Troy in the cellar, and I think you could trim a little from both morbid's monologues and hynek's. But all in all I think this was really good. Everything was improved, and it flowed nicely, but I think it could flow better still and you could probably get it down to 90-95 pages. A lot of trimming I think is all you need to make this perfect. Good job.

Quoted from Steve-Dave I still like "T.K" better.

=p

Quoted from Steve-Dave The smoke and blood coming out of the guy's neck was cool.

Glad you liked!

Quoted from Steve-Dave I really like the beginning scene with Troy and Morbid. It gives Morbid more of a purpose and a bigger role in this, and sets up more possibilities forthe mime later on.

Thanks, changes were made from good feedback

Quoted from Steve-Dave However, I don't really like the pacing of the first act. The scene with hartley and Hynek I like, but don't think it really works intercut piece by piece throughout the whole thing. How 'bout just putting it in intercutting it when the war room stuff. Or have it in it's entirity later, when it falls more appropriately on the timeline. I'm not sure exactly when the scene's supposed to come in now since I'm not completely through. But just think it needs to be a complete scene.

I would like to, but Hynek's scenes take up total of 8 or 9 pages. to deliver all at once, would be to much.

By the end did you feel the scenes in hynek was places right til it came to its end?

Quoted from Steve-Dave I aslo didn't like Johna's scene, or Troy in the hospital, or the gangsters beating on the kid. How 'bout just having Troy left for dead and Morbid getting away, and then cutting to the mime's stuff years later? And I also liked the full scene you had before with the mime with the gaurds talking with eachother before the mime stuff went down, in here you just get right into the action too quickly I think.

This scenes are for character development since I didnt have anyt of these for troy in previous version. Show how he is tormented by fall of his team, his gift and alchoholabuse. This is also the subtle mention of Sarah

Quoted from Steve-Dave I like the look of the mime more now. The white light was a nice touch.

Thanks I didnt want to be compared to V's mask anymore

Quoted from Steve-Dave I also like the new additions of Morbid trying to stop those who abuse the power, and traveling energy of the Newton's cradle, and the speech with Hynek on the monkey situation, and being able to manifest what you want, and tying it all in with the bible and Jesus.

Great! Did they make it seem more deeper then the previous draft? I mean if you saw this,you would believe in it? Kinda like when u watched matrix 1st time you might think " maybe we live in a matrix" That kinda of deepness?

Quoted from Steve-Dave Did you punch up the dialogue between Troy and Stahl in this, cuz it's a lot better than I remember it. A LOT better and it's pretty humorous.

Excellent, did stahl come off better then previous?less of a mouth piece ? identifiable?

Quoted from Steve-Dave Yeah, but you did a great job with the first act in this. That was the weakest part of the last version. Aside from the three scenes I mentioned that I didn't like and the pacing, the is a big step up.

Thanks for voicing this. It is what Im trying to accomplish.

Quoted from Steve-Dave top pg 34 - "...what your talking about" should be YOU'RE. pg 49 - Hynek's referred to as Henry. When the kids run to Troy's class, you say they trout when it should be trot bottom pg 53 - period needed after O.S(.) pg 58 - Should be (AN) empty bed. pg 60 - "The mimes throws a punch" pg 78 - "Hartley sits next to Stahl are on computer. " pg 82 - Again, no period after O.S. and again bottom pg 94

Thanks for pointing out these typos!

Quoted from Steve-Dave The scenes where Sarah tries for the cab and going to the cemetary could probably be lost too, as she just stole a car anyways, and it'd be better to just take it from the cellar where Troy wakes up and finds Sarah.

Noted.Ill see what others think.
This scene is show she has a life andhow it i lived, character.guys lookat her with disgust. and show she is suffering from a lost mother.

Quoted from Steve-Dave pg 93 - MORBID - "Whoso sheddeth..."

This word is spelled correct.. its an old word. means whoever

Quoted from Steve-Dave How 'bout an encounter with Morbid instead? Troy could handle Zahn, and then come up on Sarah, right after Morbid kills her and tends to her and then she comes back to life.

I need to limit the fight scenes so they arent redundent. They is part o morbids develoment. he realizes he has sinned, in doing pior things under arkon. So he wishes to die.

Quoted from Steve-Dave Morbid seems a little long winded at times.

Yea, I prolly cut a few of the lines.

Did any not work for you? was he character dialog good?

Quoted from Steve-Dave pg 100 - You say pictures of Sarah/Mime, but which one. Is she herself or have the mask on?

Yes. she is masked in one pic and not in the other. I think I will change an aspect and maybe has Troy take afew her burn marks. You think that would work good?

Quoted from Steve-Dave Final thoughts, a big improvement from the last draft. You had more fun with/explored these themes which was cool. Aside from the scenes I think you could cut out, and putting Hartley's conversation with Hynek where it should be and just intercutting it with SArah and Troy in the cellar, and I think you could trim a little from both morbid's monologues and hynek's. But all in all I think this was really good. Everything was improved, and it flowed nicely, but I think it could flow better still and you could probably get it down to 90-95 pages. A lot of trimming I think is all you need to make this perfect. Good job.

Again thanks for the read!

Quoted from JD_OK Great! Did they make it seem more deeper then the previous draft? I mean if you saw this,you would believe in it? Kinda like when u watched matrix 1st time you might think " maybe we live in a matrix" That kinda of deepness?

Yeah, it just added a lot more aspects that psi could actually be achieved.

Quoted from JD_OK Excellent, did stahl come off better then previous?less of a mouth piece ? identifiable?

I liked Stahl a lot better in here. He was more enjoyable to read. He had more personality, and was more of his own person. Rather than just kinda being the cop in the background who's only there to save Hartley in the end.

Quoted from JD_OK I need to limit the fight scenes so they arent redundent. They is part o morbids develoment. he realizes he has sinned, in doing pior things under arkon. So he wishes to die.

Eh, I think it's actually more redundant to have Troy fighting her. They already faught for one, plus I think him putting a gun to her head and trying to kill his own daughter is the wrong way to approach it. Troy should be more of the hero role, and just incapacitate or have a psi encounter with Zahn, and Morbid should have the fight sequence with Sarah. But just my opinion. I would've liked to see that a lot more.

Quoted from JD_OK Did any not work for you? was he character dialog good?

Yeah, his dialogue was good. He just kept goig on and on and on, especially towards the end. His last two rants I wanna say went like that, but definitely the one when he killed Sarah.

Quoted from JD_OK Yes. she is masked in one pic and not in the other. I think I will change an aspect and maybe has Troy take afew her burn marks. You think that would work good?

Yeah, sounds good.

Quoted from Steve-Dave Eh, I think it's actually more redundant to have Troy fighting her. They already faught for one, plus I think him putting a gun to her head and trying to kill his own daughter is the wrong way to approach it. Troy should be more of the hero role, and just incapacitate or have a psi encounter with Zahn, and Morbid should have the fight sequence with Sarah. But just my opinion. I would've liked to see that a lot more.

Actually. You are right. I'm gonna change its to, Morbid faces off against them instead.
To give the climax more of a bang.

Thanks again

The new fight scene is pretty bad @$$. Much much better than it was! Go over it again though, cuz a lot of the description had misspellings, and other mistakes. But yeah, great addition.

Quoted from Steve-Dave The new fight scene is pretty bad @$$. Much much better than it was! Go over it again though, cuz a lot of the description had misspellings, and other mistakes. But yeah, great addition.

Thanks! I found those typos and have corrected them! And thank you for telling me to change the fight

Wow, you've been a real stubborn bastard with this script. And it has paid off for you cause this new draft was very good.

the scenes where fragmented but this worked quite well as it kept me on my toes.

The action scenes had more action and emphasized the reality defying effects of psi so much better.

But probably the most interesting new development to your script is the theories. The monkey eating melons idea is a blast and very well used in story with the montage. Everything has a shared consicnece. yeah sure whatever, hard to swallow but at the same time it is fascinatingl.

Linking the psi to Jesus and God made me smile. That is really flexing your creativity. I'm glad you did do this rather then just fall back on human evolution that has been done to death already with X-men, Akira and recently the Heroes TV series.  It was worth reading your script for that theory alone.

When you think about it, it kind of creates a cool irony how all them poor witches that where burned at the stake cause they had the "power of Satan" in them, when in actually fact the witches where using the power of Psi- the same Psi that the good lord Jesus controlled.  heh, heh, heh. Love irony.  

But the one thing that has got me scratching my head is why didn't you just write this story in the first place? Why did you do it three drafts later.  I dunno, but maybe if you did an outline first and brain stormed all your ideas and selected the best ones first, then you would have saved a lot of time and wouldn't have to write your script three times. that's how I would do it anyway.

So okay now that you have massaged this script into a great story are you going to move on and start another one? I am curious to see what else you can do.    

The description got me interested right away, the actual story was excellent, i enjoyed it even though i only got to page 15 lol, good work , and also by the previous comments i'd say so did alot of other people

Quoted from silent0saint The description got me interested right away, the actual story was excellent, i enjoyed it even though i only got to page 15 lol, good work , and also by the previous comments i'd say so did alot of other people

Thanks, actually around page 15 when stuff really gets interesting!

Quoted from tonkatough Wow, you've been a real stubborn bastard with this script. And it has paid off for you cause this new draft was very good.

Thanks, Im glad I was able to keep your attention this time then from the previos draft. And you was right about having others like him, be after him.

Quoted from tonkatough the scenes where fragmented but this worked quite well as it kept me on my toes.

Great! How about the pacing? Sryknows felt I should drop the, hohna and troy, gangsters and troy/zahn hospital scenes. How do you feel about those scenes?

Quoted from tonkatough The action scenes had more action and emphasized the reality defying effects of psi so much better.

I owe this to the feedbackers wanting more in depth action.

Quoted from tonkatough But probably the most interesting new development to your script is the theories. The monkey eating melons idea is a blast and very well used in story with the montage. Everything has a shared consicnece. yeah sure whatever, hard to swallow but at the same time it is fascinatingl.

Great that is why I was aiming. But yes I didnt make anything up, these are all real theories. If you break humans down further, you will know we are atoms,atoms consist of electrons and neutrons.We are all the same under the flesh.

Quoted from tonkatough Linking the psi to Jesus and God made me smile. That is really flexing your creativity. I'm glad you did do this rather then just fall back on human evolution that has been done to death already with X-men, Akira and recently the Heroes TV series.  It was worth reading your script for that theory alone.

This was my original theme/original. I just didnt flesh it out as i needed to in prior drafts

Quoted from tonkatough When you think about it, it kind of creates a cool irony how all them poor witches that where burned at the stake cause they had the "power of Satan" in them, when in actually fact the witches where using the power of Psi- the same Psi that the good lord Jesus controlled.  heh, heh, heh. Love irony.   [quote=tonkatough] But the one thing that has got me scratching my head is why didn't you just write this story in the first place? Why did you do it three drafts later.  I dunno, but maybe if you did an outline first and brain stormed all your ideas and selected the best ones first, then you would have saved a lot of time and wouldn't have to write your script three times. that's how I would do it anyway.

I honestly, didnt have these theories, or more in depth settings when i 1st laid out the story. over the last 6months of diggin deeper and great feedback. I was able to achieve the deepness this needed

Quoted from tonkatough So okay now that you have massaged this script into a great story are you going to move on and start another one? I am curious to see what else you can do.

I have 2 scripts I have lines up to make.one a thiller and the other a comedy. It will be couple months tho b4 I have new one up.

I look forward to trying to branch off to another genre aswell. Thanks for the exhange!

I didn’t read any of the previous comments and I don’t remember too much from the first time I read this, so there might be some repeats.

First thing I have to say is Wow! This has come a long ways since the first draft. I don’t remember liking this as much as I did the first time.

SPOILERS------------------------------------

I really like how you decided to start this one out! – Did you come up with the smoke coming out of the guy’s neck while he smokes? That’s cool as hell.

I’m not sure if you handled the montage right. I don’t think all the militants dying stands as a montage or all the monkeys and experiments.

The psi attacks are much cooler in this new draft. Morbid and Troy’s fights were awesome.

“Dr. Zahn(47), an intelligent man…” how do we know he is intelligent?

I think you should eliminate the dream that Troy has of Morbid. It’s obvious he’s distraught over all that stuff. Don’t think it’s needed.

Would Hynek be the type of person to say, “freaked out”?

On page 28 I wouldn’t show Stahl and Hartley get inside the car.

On the same page you have afternoon on the slugline. A lot of people have been telling me to just put day or night on scene headings.

I love the way Morbid speaks, pretty cool.

Pg. 32 “You don’t want to hurt your lover….” That line is hilarious. I was laughing so hard. You’ve really made the interrogation scene work.

On page 40 you might as well say how many rounds were fired into the air.

On page 41 I didn’t really like the line, “If anyone tries to be a hero, everyone dies!” Used too much in movies.

On page 43, “You can’t away a crime scene.”

Why would the quick sand make a CRACK noise?

Morbid is so tight dude. He is an awesome baddie.

Also good how Sarah killed Troy’s team.

Page 94, Sirens “well” – Sirens “wail”

I especially like how this one ends with the V.O. and everything. Cool. Sequel should be interesting. This is definitely one of my favs.

Also, like the new title.

Good Luck!

EDIT: I read your latest post in my Mayhem thread and now I'm curious, what movies are books or whatever inspired this?

Quoted from TAnthony First thing I have to say is Wow! This has come a long ways since the first draft. I don�t remember liking this as much as I did the first time.

That is what I'm looking for, for people who read it b4, and compare how the new draft felt to them versus the old. I'm glad was able to deliver for you.

Quoted from TAnthony I really like how you decided to start this one out! � Did you come up with the smoke coming out of the guy�s neck while he smokes? That�s cool as hell.

Great! Yes, it just came to me... I had to think of news ways for the actions so its doesnt repeat itself down the road.

Quoted from TAnthony I�m not sure if you handled the montage right. I don�t think all the militants dying stands as a montage or all the monkeys and experiments.

I might be wrong, but the montage is there so i dont have to take up unecessary spce flippin back and worth with INT/EXT.

Quoted from TAnthony The psi attacks are much cooler in this new draft. Morbid and Troy�s fights were awesome.

Glad they made a impression on you to list it!

Quoted from TAnthony �Dr. Zahn(47), an intelligent man�� how do we know he is intelligent?

Yea are right, I have over looked that statement. It has been there since my 1st draft. Great find! Will fix

Quoted from TAnthony I think you should eliminate the dream that Troy has of Morbid. It�s obvious he�s distraught over all that stuff. Don�t think it�s needed.

Noted. I only put it there so the audience is for to know these words mean alot to him, since he wont use his powers to hurt and o save anyone...

So I will ask do some checking with others.

Quoted from TAnthony Would Hynek be the type of person to say, �freaked out�?

Good one again. I will change this word

Quoted from TAnthony On the same page you have afternoon on the slugline. A lot of people have been telling me to just put day or night on scene headings.

Good find, I thought i had removed all of those.

Quoted from TAnthony I love the way Morbid speaks, pretty cool.

Thanks,  I really wanted to amp him up. Glad you took notice

Quoted from TAnthony Pg. 32 �You don�t want to hurt your lover�.� That line is hilarious. I was laughing so hard. You�ve really made the interrogation scene work.

Sweet, yea i laughed hard to myself when i came up with it! I was like "golden"

Quoted from TAnthony On page 40 you might as well say how many rounds were fired into the air.

noted

Quoted from TAnthony On page 41 I didn�t really like the line, �If anyone tries to be a hero, everyone dies!� Used too much in movies.

Good point

Quoted from TAnthony On page 43, �You can�t away a crime scene.�

It is meant to say that. mean like you cany shew/brush

Quoted from TAnthony Why would the quick sand make a CRACK noise?

In my head, boads are under the sands which the secret place is. so over time, he stes on the right place where it was weak. the sand fell in, brining him with it.

Quoted from TAnthony Morbid is so tight dude. He is an awesome baddie.

Then I did my job!

Quoted from TAnthony Also good how Sarah killed Troy�s team.

You mean morbiddid in the beginning?

Quoted from TAnthony Page 94, Sirens �well� � Sirens �wail�

Excellent catch, will fix

Quoted from TAnthony I especially like how this one ends with the V.O. and everything. Cool. Sequel should be interesting. This is definitely one of my favs. Also, like the new title.

Thanks man for the review, I'm be here whenever you need one. And thanks for commenting about the Title... Did you feel itsays alil something about themovie and makes sense after the read?

Quoted from TAnthony EDIT: I read your latest post in my Mayhem thread and now I'm curious, what movies are books or whatever inspired this?

Well I grow up watching last dragon countless times and I have on my computer lol to watch" When i say who's the masta... you say Sno'nuff...."
The glow from this movie I REALLy liked, and was never again used in any movie.
No book or movie inpired my story. The  studied  PSI for awhile when i was 20 and readand talked to people who "say" they could do it. Years later, i was just sitting around thinking how movies are sucking and sucking,. That I had seen enough and could make a good story.
I knew I wanted to use the glow to add for visual to the story, but I had to come up with a good reason so it isnt a rip from last dragon. Lord and behold.. Jesus the miracle

2years and drafts later here I am!



Questions*************

How was the dialogue overall?

Did the theories make sense to you? You think it gave it more depth to the story?

Do you feel hosipital scene with troy and zahn/ Johna and troy/gangters and troy, could be left out?

Did you like the numnchuck action?

Was anything confusing at any point?

Pacing at beginning slow?