Quoted from Mr.Ripley hey, JD_OK, I've been noticing that you've redrafted this work a couple of times. I didn't have time before to read this as a result of school but since I have a week vacation which has started now I'm planning to dedicate time on this. So, hear are some comments:

Thanks man, and of course you got me when needed.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I've read a good somewhat 20 pgs of this work and I really like what you have done with this. Your story development is good. It's very consistent for the most part.

Thanks, it has taking sometime to achieve this with the 1st act, which I had doing with past drafts.

Do you thin 1st 20 pages, is 2much or just right to build the characters and relationships without giving anything away?

Quoted from Mr.Ripley The only problems I see is Morbid and Marc, Morbid's companion. Morbid is intelligent enough to wipe out a team of marines hidden in the forest at the beginning, yet he allows his companion to die by not realizing that Marc is not to be allowed in Arkon's place. I understand that Marc is used as a device to show Arkon's power but it questions Morbid's intelligence, something that after reading a few pages, is quite up their along with Arkon. He doesn't seem to be a guy to commit that simple mistake.

Let me give you a lil metaphor that can prolly answer this dilema. Given you just may right with the given scenario.

Morbid has the power to kill anyone who isnt shielding themselves, with ease, like children stomping on roaches. Doesnt require much intellect to kill when you are a greater force.

You are right tho, marc is there to die to show Arkon's dominance. I will see if I can come up with something to its more clear way for the "mistake"

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Another problem I had was the whole "Quantum Mechanics" sequence. You repeat that slugline alot even when the action takes place inside the facility but just in a different part of the facility. Why don't you try using second headings for the scenes that take place in different parts of the facilities?

Ill check on this. great question.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Another one is at the first page of the script, you repeat Troy three times in the beginning of your sentences. I suggest you vary that part by using "he". You could use the name Troy but just don't repeat it again and again. Give some space in between. This is all I came up with. More will come later. Gabe

yes, I do this on purpose. I did have a one time He....she...but again my consultant told me to name the person if not referred to in a linking paragraph. But If my lines are seperate which call for shot/action. I stated the persons name for clarity.

Thanks! Looking forward to rest of your report!

Quoted Text thanks it has taking sometime to achieve this with the 1st act, which I had doing with past drafts.

I understnad since I'm experiencing with my new draft of the Director. But congrats on  having an improved script.

Quoted Text Do you thin 1st 20 pages, is 2much or just right to build the characters and relationships without giving anything away?

IMO, I think it's enough. Troy is portrayed as somebody whose troubled by the past. His daughter is revealed as someone who hates her father but who soon comes, in the few pages I've read more of, to understand Troy's troubled past. The detectives try to solve a case and possibly a romance can be started with Hartley. Arkon is the protector of this power and Morbid his sidekick. So I think yeah.

Quoted Text Morbid has the power to kill anyone who isnt shielding themselves, with ease, like children stomping on roaches. Doesnt require much intellect to kill when you are a greater force.

I disagree otherwise since look at the scene with Troy at the bar. I understand they have extraordinary mind power but it requires somesort of wisdom or basic human knowledge that advises them to when move a certain direction or when to pick up a bad vibe. Another scene is with the MIME at the beginning who murders those marines.  

I read farther into the pgs and I am enjoying it so far. I wonder what will happen next.    

Gabe

Quoted from JD_OK Did you feel introducing Sarah at the beginning helped for emotional impacted when revealed? On that note introducing her at the beginning make her easy pick for who is the "mime"

No, I don't think it's obvious that Sarah is the mime.  Even though the connections might seem obvious to you, there's alot going on in your story, enough to keep the viewer distracted, I think.

Quoted from JD_OK Thank you for taking notice. The theory is all my and my imagination. I think it is possible how I strung it all together. Did you feel it would make you believe in its possibilties?

It does follow a certain logic, so yes - it is possible, at least in the 'reel' world.

Quoted from JD_OK This is a hint at Sarah escape. The body bags burn to ashes. They just give her a headstone and assume her body burned in the crash. None is this is stated, you just assume by the situation and then confiirmed when Sarah ressurects in the ambulance. There are hints there that she escaped.. you would have to be real clever to spot.

I can appreciate you wanting to maintain an air of mystery surrounding Sarah's fate but I think it's a little too vague.  Perhaps have one of the officers on the scene mention that Sarah's body was never recovered - drop the audience a little hint.

Quoted from JD_OK One thing. She isnt possessed. She had split personality. This happen becuz of the drug induced to her during the holding room. The freak accident awakened the depression and power she made herself forget , she didnt want it(stated at the confession) Since there is only a voice talking to her that she remembers. She breaks into the Quantum Mechanics to get the file. After she reads it. She finds out who did it to her which was Zahn.

I would strongly suggest you incorporate your above explanation into the script.  Remember - you, the author, have a much more intimate understanding of your script than the audience ever will.  What seems obvious to you might not to someone else.  

Quoted from JD_OK Great, I hope you enjoyed much more then b4 and was everything else clear to you?

Yes, everything else was clear to me.  I would say Sarah was the main focus of my confusion.  Maybe just state her intentions and motivations more clearly up front.

Hey, not completely sure who wrote this, but it's a good read so far. I've read 20 pages, because it's impossible for me to read an entire feature in one sitting.

Obviously this is turning out to be a very violent script, but it's interesting.

Please don't take offense to my lack of knowledge for reviewing screenplays, it's just something I'm not too great at.

Your script has caught my attention early on, which is good, because in this screenplay book I read, it's always best to start your story with a bang, which it did. Literally...

I'm excited to continue reading this later on tonight.

Oh, and there are a few minor grammatical errors here and there. Nothing big.

Quoted from Rice Grenades Hey, not completely sure who wrote this, but it's a good read so far. I've read 20 pages, because it's impossible for me to read an entire feature in one sitting. Obviously this is turning out to be a very violent script, but it's interesting. Please don't take offense to my lack of knowledge for reviewing screenplays, it's just something I'm not too great at. Your script has caught my attention early on, which is good, because in this screenplay book I read, it's always best to start your story with a bang, which it did. Literally... I'm excited to continue reading this later on tonight. Oh, and there are a few minor grammatical errors here and there. Nothing big.

hey welcome to the boards! I'm the author in my ever evolving screenplay

Thanks, I'm glad I'm about to grab your attention! Your review seems fine so far and I'm sure you will even  enjoy the rest of my story. Looking forward to your thoughts and I will return the favor whenever you have material that needs reviewing.

Eeveryone appreciates honest feedback. So give negative thoughts or positive just be sure to give your reasons.

MGJ- Thanks for the feedback and I will think carefully on things you have mentioned!

Hey, it's me again JD!

It's still packing action, and the story is becoming even more intense and interesting. I love it! There were much less grammatical errors on page 20-39, but it still had a couple in your descriptions. Once again, no big deal.

I like how your characters are developing.

One problem I had is the bar fight. It kind of got REALLY confusing for me, and I got totally lost. I had to re-read that part once over to actually get a clue of what the heck was going on.

I'm excited to find out what happens in the next 20 pages!

Thank you for providing me with some entertainment for tonight. This is truly, a wonderful screenplay. No wonder it's gotten so many replies! : )

The next part of my review should be coming soon.

Hello again! Another part of my review coming at cha'!

Once again, there are minor grammatical errors scattered throughout page 40-59. I'll give you an example of what I continue to see throughout your screenplay.

PAGE 51: Hartley's shakes her head.

MAJOR STORY SPOILERS BELOW:

Wow, I didn't expect Sarah to be the Mime. I'm not really sure if this is really Sarah, perhaps it is someone posing as her to trick Troy. I'm not really sure yet, you have me fooled!

There is also a small formatting problem that I continue to notice. You have a name at the very bottom of the page, then the dialogue below. Maybe if you re-write this that problem will be fixed.

Now things are heating up, and to tell you the truth I love it. Morbid and Troy are going to have a showdown, I can feel it!

Quoted from Rice Grenades PAGE 51: Hartley's shakes her head.

Wow thanks, I misse that one big time. I ahve corrected most of the commonmistakes you have mentioned/saw. But that one was still there and I thank you!

Quoted from Rice Grenades MAJOR STORY SPOILERS BELOW: Wow, I didn't expect Sarah to be the Mime. I'm not really sure if this is really Sarah, perhaps it is someone posing as her to trick Troy. I'm not really sure yet, you have me fooled!

Great! This is really good to hear since, you are a FRESH reader. It is her. I was worried about the beginning that i might be given her away too much, but yet others have stated its not that obvious and like mgj said " you have alot of things to distact from that".

I'm glad it came off with the twist.

Quoted from Rice Grenades There is also a small formatting problem that I continue to notice. You have a name at the very bottom of the page, then the dialogue below. Maybe if you re-write this that problem will be fixed.

I'm aware of these, unfortunately. This is from converting my final draft format to rtf then to pdf, so most reader can view it here. Its only like there here. Not on actual script.

Quoted from Rice Grenades Now things are heating up, and to tell you the truth I love it. Morbid and Troy are going to have a showdown, I can feel it!

Good good! I hope I keep the surprises coming for ya... becuz they're still coming!

pg. 23 - There is a strange blank in Rallins line. I'm not sure if this is intentional or not but it's very bizarre. I'd take a look at it.

pg. 28 - I still don't know about this scene with Stahl choking. I understand that he's chewing gum and it's supposed to be vague whether he choked on it or it was Kneddic's doing but as I said before, Kneddic wouldn't want to draw attention to himself. If you want to offer your reader/viewer two ways to interpret the scene, you have to make sure both of them make sense. I still don't think Kneddic choking Stahl makes sense.

Nevertheless, if you’re really keen on keeping it, I suppose you could have it be Kneddic’s doing but have Stahl, himself, dismiss it as the gum. That would work better, I think. If I were you, I'd just cut it out and move on but that's just me. Your call.

pg. 30 – You mention Kneddic has no plugs run into him. For the most part, scripts should mention things that happen, not things that don’t. Granted, there’re exceptions but I don’t think this is one of them.

pg. 40 – “Stahl waits, smoking a cigarette while he stands next to his car.” Judging from your comments in the thread in Screenwriting Class, I think you might want to rephrase this. You know what to do.

pg. 69 – “Scientists show the young female monkey how to wash it, before eating the melon.” This can be rephrased as well.

- “I’ll give you the short version.” That’s what Hynek says to Hartley in response her asking who Arkon is. Yet he takes an awful long time to get to Arkon. More than ten pages worth of monologue. This is a huge problem, even when it’s intercut with other goings on. You’d be hard pressed to find a moviegoer with this kind of attention span. Hell, it’s probably damn near impossible.

With that said, you got to cut down on his monologue big time. The monkey story is completely inconsequential. Get rid of it. Your definition for quantum physics as well. No one really needs to know what it is. The history stays, as it’s vital to Akron’s back story, but you go off needlessly on numerous tangents, in one instance even referencing the Da Vinci Code, and, at times, become downright repetitive, namely in regards to Hynek explaining everyone’s ability to harness psi. You only need to say it once. In short, stay on topic.

pg. 78 – “There are many levels of psi for what a person could do with time.”

- No need to go over shielding again. Elaborating changes little.

pg. 80 – “He rests in the back seat drinking from a liquor bottle.” Rephrase.

pg. 100 – “Sarah sits up out of the body bag, gasping for air.” Rephrase.

I must say this read much better this time around. You took the time to build a back story for Kneddic and develop his character. I think this paid off. Hartley and Stahl are still a little flat but I definitely registered a dash of charisma in both of them that wasn't there before.

You also took my advice and went with Mr. Morbid as your main baddie, even though it's really Arkon pulling the strings. Nevertheless, it worked. I was impressed with the backstory and belief system you developed for both characters. It really added a new dimension to the story.

Not much else to say. I must say I'm impressed with what you were able to do with the comments you've received. You've really kicked your script up a notch. Good work.

Quoted from James McClung pg. 23 - There is a strange blank in Rallins line. I'm not sure if this is intentional or not but it's very bizarre. I'd take a look at it.

This is due to fina draft fdr format cconvert to rft then to pdf. My direct pdf doesnt work

Quoted from James McClung Nevertheless, if you�re really keen on keeping it, I suppose you could have it be Kneddic�s doing but have Stahl, himself, dismiss it as the gum. That would work better, I think. If I were you, I'd just cut it out and move on but that's just me. Your call.

Good suggestion. Noted.

pg. 30 � You mention Kneddic has no plugs run into him. For the most part, scripts should mention things that happen, not things that don�t. Granted, there�re exceptions but I don�t think this is one of them.[/quote]

I did this for a purpose. when laying in a patient bed and wearing a gown. If i dont take there arent any plugs, I would assume there are some. Which I later so when Kent, i take he has breathing tubes and what not.

For Troy this is a factor becuz we know he got shit beat out of him by Morbid yet he looks fine in the hospital.

Quoted from James McClung pg. 40 � �Stahl waits, smoking a cigarette while he stands next to his car.� Judging from your comments in the thread in Screenwriting Class, I think you might want to rephrase this. You know what to do.

This one and the rest you pointed out are correctly in ACTIVE form. But I do appreciate you pointing these out if they werent.

Waits is my verb.

Quoted from James McClung - �I�ll give you the short version.� That�s what Hynek says to Hartley in response her asking who Arkon is. Yet he takes an awful long time to get to Arkon. More than ten pages worth of monologue. This is a huge problem, even when it�s intercut with other goings on. You�d be hard pressed to find a moviegoer with this kind of attention span. Hell, it�s probably damn near impossible.

She asked what is happing 1st, arkon second.

length- I will look into this with other reviews and ask what they thought on it.

Quoted from James McClung The monkey story is completely inconsequential. Get rid of it. Your definition for quantum physics as well. No one really needs to know what it is. The history stays, as it�s vital to Akron�s back story, but you go off needlessly on numerous tangents, in one instance even referencing the Da Vinci Code, and, at times, become downright repetitive, namely in regards to Hynek explaining everyone�s ability to harness psi. You only need to say it once. In short, stay on topic.

I disagree at this point in time. The Monkey story i used as a metaphor for your average reader to understand learned behavior. That humans can be tought this gift if someone was to show us human like the scientist to the monkey. And this monkey story is fact, not fiction.

Quoted from James McClung - No need to go over shielding again. Elaborating changes little.

I did this for clarity since troy the subject told her this. Its her validatin it so to speak.
But I see what you could draw this conclusion of being repetitive.

Quoted from James McClung I must say this read much better this time around. You took the time to build a back story for Kneddic and develop his character. I think this paid off. Hartley and Stahl are still a little flat but I definitely registered a dash of charisma in both of them that wasn't there before.

Thanks! Yea 4 drafts to get the intro right it sames. For the most part everyone is liking the intro for character backstory.

Far as Stahl and hartley, what else might you think they need to get there?

Quoted from James McClung You also took my advice and went with Mr. Morbid as your main baddie, even though it's really Arkon pulling the strings. Nevertheless, it worked. I was impressed with the backstory and belief system you developed for both characters. It really added a new dimension to the story.

Sure did! I'm glad it came across better and worked for you!

Quoted from James McClung Not much else to say. I must say I'm impressed with what you were able to do with the comments you've received. You've really kicked your script up a notch. Good work.

It is a struggle rewriting/rethinking and feedback is a great help. It is much appreciated!

Side note

How did the new action scenes come aross to you? Troy at the guerilla camp and the show down Troy/Sarah vs Morbid?

Was Hynek exposition interesting enough?
Did the theories pull you in or just like "okay, whatever"?

Quoted from JD_OK Far as Stahl and hartley, what else might you think they need to get there?

A little more charisma. Perhaps some people might think it's cheesy but I thought the gay jokes worked. It made for some good chemistry between the two and made them seem more like real people and not cop cliches. You might also give them a little backstory. There're minor characters so you wouldn't have to give them much. Many just something about how they became cops. In general, anything to differentiate them from each other. There should be a Stahl and a Hartley, not just a pairing of the two.

Quoted from JD_OK How did the new action scenes come aross to you? Troy at the guerilla camp and the show down Troy/Sarah vs Morbid? Was Hynek exposition interesting enough? Did the theories pull you in or just like "okay, whatever"?

Troy at the guerilla camp reminded me of the original opening with the knives flying all over the place. Not much different except the circumstances. No worries though. Your action scenes in the last draft I read worked well for me. However, I really dug this showdown with Morbid. Nunchucks rule! 'Nuff said. I don't know why they don't appear in more mainstream action movies. It's a shame really. Spiked hammers too? Awesome!

As for Hynek, although his role was mainly to act as a catalyst for Arkon's backstory, I liked his character. He made a great recluse. I also liked the mystery you built around his character early on.

I enjoyed your theories as well. A good mix of science and spirituality. History and religion rarely find their way into this kind of material. I found it refreshing and thought it really brought something new to the table.

All in all, I thought your additions brought a lot of new layers to your story and made it a much more interesting read.

Thanks for your input and feedback on the questions. Again thank you!

Hey JD, i apologize in advance for not responding as quickly as I had been. But I had some personal things that I was working on the last day or so. Here's the 4th part of my review for Newton's Cradle.

Again, there were more errors.

On page 70- The Scientists look perplex.

I started to become lost at the whole talks about the monkies, and the changing scenes with Troy and Sarah, then the scenes with Hynek. It kept jumping back and forth, and had no indicators whatsover. I'm not sure if this is a formatting rule, but it just made these twenty pages a difficult read.

As I read, I can picture what is going on in my head perfectly. I'm so surprised that this hasn't been picked up by any studios or anything along those lines.

I must say that this is a really great script so far, and as I read towards the end my blood is pumping. You've created something here, something great! Just like the power of psi! : )

I'll try and finish the last 20 pages tonight, JD!

It's great.

Quoted from Rice Grenades Hey JD, i apologize in advance for not responding as quickly as I had been. But I had some personal things that I was working on the last day or so. Here's the 4th part of my review for Newton's Cradle.

I understand brother! Shizzle happen! I appreciate your time when you can give it.

Quoted from Rice Grenades Again, there were more errors. On page 70-

I have recently (like yesterday) uploaded new typos free version. id you reload of usen old downloaded version?

Also whats wrong with "The Scientists look perplex." ?

Quoted from Rice Grenades I started to become lost at the whole talks about the monkies, and the changing scenes with Troy and Sarah, then the scenes with Hynek. It kept jumping back and forth, and had no indicators whatsover. I'm not sure if this is a formatting rule, but it just made these twenty pages a difficult read.

I do have a heading indicator... INTERCUT

Quoted from Rice Grenades As I read, I can picture what is going on in my head perfectly. I'm so surprised that this hasn't been picked up by any studios or anything along those lines.

Well I just released this version beginning of this month and its the best so far. I'm getting the script sent to some major producers by a contact within a few weeks. So hopefully they like it too!

I will will let everyone know negative or positive review I get back from them.

Quoted from Rice Grenades I must say that this is a really great script so far, and as I read towards the end my blood is pumping. You've created something here, something great! Just like the power of psi! : ) I'll try and finish the last 20 pages tonight, JD! It's great.

Thanks! Psi is real, you can google it.I just came up with a story revolving it and stretching its possibilities!

I'll tell you though. I've been writing on this story for almost 2 years. Took my like 10months to finish the 1st draft, back in august 06 when i finished it and posted here. It was quickly ripped apart but somethin was there. By much feedback and working with a real professional screenwriter consultant, I was able to forge what it is today and I tell ya, Writing is rethinking. Your 1st draft of a story is just a sort of blue print, for many drafts on making it great!

Hopefully some people wil pick up what I have done with my in terms of rethinking and  rewriting their current scripts. For the better. Not just cutting and changing dialogue.

Look forward to last overall comments! Ever need help just ask.

I apologize for my errors on the last part of the review. I must've just missed the indicator somewhere. Alright, here is the final part of my review for Newton's Cradle.

This was the greatest final pages I've ever read. I was touched emotionally by how it ended so well. Your screenplay is one of the greatest ones I have read in my time. I can definately see this in theaters in four or five years.

The twists and turns were amazing, your character development was just as great, and your descriptions had everything playing out in my mind the entire reading process.

I felt like I didn't know much about Morbid, because he was unknown the entire script. All I knew was that he was very religious, and worked with Arkon. Maybe if you re-wrote this, you could include his history.

Or maybe if you write a sequal you could include it. Just a suggestion.

Honestly, this is a great piece of work. You obviously have lot's of experience with writing screenplays. To anyone who has not read this screenplay, read it. It is an example of what a screenplay should look like.

Thank you for a good read, JD!