Here's the rest of my review.  I hope it helps!

p. 52  You definitely have a knack for writing fast-paced action sequences.  I think that’s really your forte.  You just need to be careful of typos and stuff – there are a lot of them, and it detracts from the smoothness of the read.

p. 57  I really like that Sarah’s The Mime.  That was an effective reveal.

p. 59  Much as I shudder at this, it’s actually Rice Krispies, not Rice Crispies.  I *hate* when manufacturers do that.

p. 60  I have a suggestion about the flashbacks.  You need to establish a clearer timeline.  When is this scene with Sarah happening, in relation to the other scenes.  Maybe the solution is to use years?  Like 2007, then 2010 for three years later, 1997 for ten years ago?  I think it would make the story a lot easier to follow.

p. 62 daddy should be capitalized in Sarah’s dialogue

p. 64  Hynek’s dialogue, “a group of scientist” should be “scientists”; also “out break monkeys” should be “outbreak monkeys,” and if he’s referring to the movie Outbreak, then that words needs to be capitalized

p. 66  Hynek’s dialogue, the singular of phenomena is phenomenon.

p. 70 “mom” in Sarah’s dialogue should be capitalized.  The rule for this is if you’re using “Mom” like it’s someone’s name, you cap it.  So, “Mom said we had to be home by five!”  But in a situation where you’re using phrases like “my mom” or “your mom,” don’t cap it.

p. 77  It’s not “nadda,” it’s “nada.”  Also, there’s another misplaced apostrophe there.

p. 87 scared marine should be Scared Marine – character names, even when they’re descriptive like this one, should always be capitalized

Okay, I really like the ending.  I think you have the seeds of a great story here.  The problem, as I see it, is that you’re keeping SO many secrets, that the spine of your story is getting lost here.  Once I got to the end, I got what you were going for.  But you have, in my opinion, too many characters, too many unclear flashbacks, and too much mystery for the *sake* of mystery.  I get that you were going for a big twist at the end – and I appreciate that! – but you need to take the reader into consideration.  This was a tough read, because I felt completely at sea most of the time and what was going on wasn’t interesting enough, in and of itself, to make up for all the stuff that I didn’t understand.  

I think you need to focus the story more narrowly.  Give Troy a clear-cut goal in the present (whenever that is) to keep the story moving while the elaborate revenge plot is going on in the background.  And I honestly think you need some more set-up with Troy and Sarah for a reader to feel that her intense anger is justified.  Even if you don’t come right out and talk about her having powers (which you shouldn’t, because really, that part of the secret is good) you need to put a bit more thought into their relationship because that’s really the heart of your story.

I hope this helps – thanks again for reviewing Fight Belle.

Aimee

Quoted from aurorawriter Hey JD, Here's my review of the script through page 50.  I'll get the rest posted as soon as I can -- maybe even today... p. 2  Blood and smoke spews from his neck.  Should be spew. p. 2  ï¿½forth� should be �fourth� p. 3  ï¿½His head collapses� � I�m not sure what this means.  Does he collapse?  Or does his head fall off?  Or does he just drop his head onto the table?  Be careful of non-specific descriptions like this.  Something like this puts a question into the reader�s head, when what should be there is a picture. p. 4 you don�t need an apostrophe after the word �passeth� in Morbid�s dialogue.

Thanks for all the misspelling u pointed out, I appreciate those alot!

Quoted from aurorawriter p. 5  You�re saying �Present� in your slugline, but you never said that the previous scenes were in the past.  You probably want to have some kind of super or something saying �Five Years Ago� or �Troy�s Dream� or whatever.  It�s really unclear what�s happening there.

I did, super:  BRAZIL, SOUTH AMERICA 1987... MISSION LAND-LINE
under 1st scene heading of the script.

Quoted from aurorawriter p. 5-6  I�d recommend spicing up your character descriptions.  You really are allowed to take some liberties as long as it�s the first time you introduce the character.  Tell us what these people are like.

Noted. im going to look into this.

p. 6  whatever is one word, not two; also �dad� should be capitalized in Sarah�s dialogue.

Quoted from aurorawriter Also, I would rethink having them just barely avoid one semi only to be hit by another.  The chances of that are so small � and it�s been done before.  Just have them get hit by the first one.

You r not the 1st to say this, i think I just might

Quoted from aurorawriter p. 13  I would stay away from names like Gangster One, Two and Three.  Give us something more interesting.  Call them Mean, Meaner and Meanest.  Or give us something that makes them seem like characters, and not cardboard cutouts.

Noted

Quoted from aurorawriter p. 20  I�m stopping here to say that here we are, on page 20, and it�s not clear to me what the story�s about.  I�m guessing that Troy is your protagonist, but I don�t have a clear idea of anything at this point.  For a 99 page script, that shouldn�t be the case.

Well it does have a goal but is a clue,  Sarah asks him "what do u want from me"
Troy: I want us to be a family again" page 13, but i will elaborate on this more in 1st 40, and at the end of script.

Quoted from aurorawriter p. 20 be sure to keep your sluglines consistent.  You�ve got Quantum Mechanics � Security Room, and just Security Room.  They should all be the same.

fixed

Quoted from aurorawriter p. 21  Is this university scene in Troy�s classroom still 3 years ahead?  With so many jumps in time, you need to be super-conscious of making it easy to follow your script.

I really dont see how it was hard to keep with the time. Its starts in 1987, then Present with an older Troy, then another sooner later that says 3 years later, and the rest of time jumps are indicated with FLASH BACKS/ END FLASHBACK

Quoted from aurorawriter p. 30  Okay, so now I�m beginning to get an idea of the story.  I think this needs to happen earlier, though, and you need to really think about what needs to be in the set-up.  As it is, it�s very sprawling, you�ve got a lot of characters (too many for a reader to really keep track of) and I think the set-up lacks focus.

What would u suggest to correcting this?

Quoted from aurorawriter p. 41  ï¿½He�s one cracked out mime.�  Something about this dialogue just doesn�t ring true.  Kent may be a tough guy, but somehow the fact that The Mime stapled his arms to the chair with knives makes it difficult for me to believe he�d be so casual about it.

Good point, i changed it up.

Quoted from aurorawriter p. 47-48 This dialogue between Johna and Troy seems a little forced.  I think the problem is that they�re saying exactly what they mean.  There�s no subtext.  Most people, when they argue, don�t say what they mean.

I see, I think Im going to totally remove this or switch it up.

Quoted from aurorawriter p. 50 �As he walks, her cell phone summons to him.�  Either he summons the phone, or it flies to him.  The sentence is confusing.  I�ve noticed quite a few instances � you�ve got a very complicated story here.  I�m sure that it�s easy to follow for you, because you MADE it.  But don�t let your knowledge of your story get in the way of conveying it clearly to the reader.

I will make it all to one thing

Quoted from aurorawriter And that brings me to this: we�re on page 50.  I�m still not sure what the story is about, really.  I know Troy�s the protagonist, but what does he want?  It�s not at all clear to me.  Maybe he wants Johna back?  Maybe he wants to catch the Mime?  Maybe he is the Mime!  Maybe he wants to get rid of his powers?  I don�t know, and that�s a problem.  I get the impression that you�re holding back here, trying to keep some things secret.  Secrets are fine � good, even � but too many of them can render a script confusing.

I hear you and I'm going for something different and original/unpredictable while trying to maintain 3 act structure. so The big twists come at the end and then u r like Wow, now it all makes end more sense, for those people who try and figure out a movie b4 hand/during appreciate being fooled/left in the dark but the actual clues are there.

Quoted from aurorawriter Here's the rest of my review.  I hope it helps! p. 52  You definitely have a knack for writing fast-paced action sequences.  I think that�s really your forte.  You just need to be careful of typos and stuff � there are a lot of them, and it detracts from the smoothness of the read.

Thanks, ill do my best to find those.

Quoted from aurorawriter p. 57  I really like that Sarah�s The Mime.  That was an effective reveal.

Good deal

Quoted from aurorawriter p. 59  Much as I shudder at this, it�s actually Rice Krispies, not Rice Crispies.  I *hate* when manufacturers do that.

Shudder that u didnt like it?

Quoted from aurorawriter p. 60  I have a suggestion about the flashbacks.  You need to establish a clearer timeline.  When is this scene with Sarah happening, in relation to the other scenes.  Maybe the solution is to use years?  Like 2007, then 2010 for three years later, 1997 for ten years ago?  I think it would make the story a lot easier to follow.

This comes part of the reader to fill in the blanks. The flashback with sarah had to happen during those three years that  we jumped forward and reminded by sarah  on page 68, since last we saw her, her face wasnt scarred

Quoted from aurorawriter p. 66  Hynek�s dialogue, the singular of phenomena is phenomenon.

Its right, bcuz its more then one monkey doing it and it is continuous through other monkeys on other islands

Quoted from aurorawriter Okay, I really like the ending.  I think you have the seeds of a great story here.  The problem, as I see it, is that you�re keeping SO many secrets, that the spine of your story is getting lost here.  Once I got to the end, I got what you were going for.  But you have, in my opinion, too many characters, too many unclear flashbacks, and too much mystery for the *sake* of mystery.  I get that you were going for a big twist at the end � and I appreciate that! � but you need to take the reader into consideration.  This was a tough read, because I felt completely at sea most of the time and what was going on wasn�t interesting enough, in and of itself, to make up for all the stuff that I didn�t understand.

Thank you regarding the ending.  Glad to see u got what I was intending, but I will dig more to "clearer" goal for Troy in the beginning while still making it subtle

Quoted from aurorawriter   And I honestly think you need some more set-up with Troy and Sarah for a reader to feel that her intense anger is justified.  Even if you don�t come right out and talk about her having powers (which you shouldn�t, because really, that part of the secret is good) you need to put a bit more thought into their relationship because that�s really the heart of your story. I hope this helps � thanks again for reviewing Fight Belle. Aimee

i think I ill find some more ways to amp this up within 1st 50 pages. Thanks for thoughtful and intelligent review
QUESTIONS:

How was the dialog for you?
Structure?
twists and turns? (beside sarah)
Characters?
the basic plot?

hey now, I've been gone too long and havent really shown the attention i need back into writing and these boards. Hopefully I will be back in full gear again.


I recently got 2nd place at a competition and attended  another awards ceremony.

http://script2screenfest.tripod.com/id110.html

JD,

That's fantastic, congrats!

Seth

BTW, never mind my avatar: I know how much members of the board like emos, so I thought I'd give 'em somethin' to look at

...Now back to my sabbatical.

Congrats.

I assume that's you in the first photo, holding the certificate.  But WTF is going on in the fifth picture?


Phil

Congrats JD.

Holy Crap! That is probably the funniest thing (5th picture) I've seen in awhile! I wonder if anyone from the festival has noticed it!? Wow! I can't stop laughing!

Congratulations JD. I know you worked really hard on that script.


I believe JD is to the left of the guy in that pic.

The 5th pic....hahaha and what a big grin he has on his face too.

I bet they will remove that pic soon.

Congrats, JD. Hope your success keeps going. Now, when are we going to see Isolated?

Gabe

Quoted from tomson The 5th pic....hahaha and what a big grin he has on his face too.

That's the event organizer, Thaddeus Goldendong.

He was just excited at how well the ceremony went.

Congrats JD. Must have been a great night.  

That 5th picture is a classic.  

Quoted from Seth JD, That's fantastic, congrats! Seth BTW, never mind my avatar: I know how much members of the board like emos, so I thought I'd give 'em somethin' to look at ...Now back to my sabbatical.

Thanks seth! How u been? yea that avatar is like 'whoa'...

Quoted from dogglebe Congrats. I assume that's you in the first photo, holding the certificate.  But WTF is going on in the fifth picture? Phil

Thank u my friend! I'm brown guy dressed in white blaza. Also congrats to u on getting finalist at the skriekfest contest!
I didnt notice it until yall did. Comedy!!!!

O and I finally get what u been sayin about my character dimenions, thiat is my next task on my new draft

Quoted from medstudent Congrats JD. Holy Crap! That is probably the funniest thing (5th picture) I've seen in awhile! I wonder if anyone from the festival has noticed it!? Wow! I can't stop laughing!

Thanks med, how things goin for u?
yea its funny 4 sure

Quoted from tomson Congratulations JD. I know you worked really hard on that script. I believe JD is to the left of the guy in that pic. The 5th pic....hahaha and what a big grin he has on his face too. I bet they will remove that pic soon.

Thanks my friend, but i need to work harder at it! So many next time ill take 1st in one or place in  a major competition.
How r ur works coming along?

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Congrats, JD. Hope your success keeps going. Now, when are we going to see Isolated? Gabe

Thanks bro!! Hope early in08, I've been SO distracted chasing women since i broke up with my EX and moved away from her in aug. So hopefully I've get a g/f soon and focus back on writing and reading other peoples work

Quoted from mcornetto Congrats JD. Must have been a great night.   That 5th picture is a classic.

Thx man, yea was entertaining, lots of people

Congrats on your reward bud, although in my eyes, Newton's Cradle deserves first place in any competition, haha, but hey, it's still one of the best reads I've ever had man.

I wish you luck in future competitions and good luck with the development of Newtons Cradle my man..

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad Congrats on your reward bud, although in my eyes, Newton's Cradle deserves first place in any competition, haha, but hey, it's still one of the best reads I've ever had man. I wish you luck in future competitions and good luck with the development of Newtons Cradle my man..

Thanks bigk! I recently updated the script, adding more to it. Making characters more 3d and real. And tweaked up th dialogue.

Link on here is down. Just waiting for don to post new link which can be found here

http://www.ruthlesslifestyle.com/jdizzle/newtons.pdf

Okay done.  

I went through the 642 pages of reviews to find what I wrote on it earlier this year and then to compare what I thought of the new draft.  I think the newer draft is far more tightened up and it brings you farther into the story, but at the same time I still felt there was some clumsiness going on.

Here are the notes I took which will help give a better idea at where I'm coming from:

*12-The dialogue before the crash seems unnecessary and actually kind of forced/cliched.  They're driving along lalala Sarah, even though my relationship with your father stinks, I'm thankful to have you blah blah blah gets hit by truck.  I think if they were talking about anything else at all it would have been better.
*18-Yo B'?  B?  I've heard a lot of slang in my time, but B?  What the hell is that?
*I think you can get rid of the continues.   That's pretty much obsolete stuff now.
*I'm still looking to see why Troy can't help these people.  I'm keeping an eye out for it(kinda fixed upon completion, I'll get to that).
*20-Is Patrol Eight supposed to be Hill?
*21-Same deal with Burr.
*24-Blowing off peace negotiations with the Middle East, huh? hahah. That is so the Bush administration.
*28-Extra space between second exchange of Director and Hartley.
*34-Sorry, there's all this build up to capturing Troy and there's all these cops outside the university and they take him in for questioning and then a minute later they let him go?  Seems like a whole lot of build up to a whole lot of nothin'.  
*40-Robbing a bar?  I know people there would have money on them, but why go into such a crowded public place with obvious security all over the place?  I just think it's the most peculiar spot to rob, especially at night(this came together at the end, but I still had an issue with it).
*42-Hartley tells Troy that he can't just leave the crime scene...but then the very next scene she's leaving with him.  On the phone she says "I owe you one" which I guess could be her thanking some dude for covering for her...but then again, would an FBI agent do that?  They kinda need her there at the crime scene cause she witnessed it first hand...speaking of which, what about the robbers?  They're still in there!  I know they were beaten up a little bit, but they're certainly not dead.  
*43-Extra space between Kent and Harltey's first exchange.
*50-Hartley exits directly underneath dialogue.
*62-Troy seems to need a lot of time to think, but for what?
*62-Why'd he tazer him?
*67-Good imagery with the electrocution.
*75-This VO speech you have of Hynek here is really good where he says who wants the power, who has it, abuses it, etc.  Good stuff.
*84-So Zahn is at the head of this thing, huh?  Okay, well, I guess that repents a few of my earlier comments, but I've also got some new ones...actually, lemme just finish.
*87-Again...the rape attempt...it just seems out of place.
*90-Extra space between descriptions at top
*95-Why did Hartley just thank him?  Troy didn't do crap for her! Unless I'm missing something...

Okay, as stated above, I think you took a leap forward with this draft.  Before I praise what went right here, let me just get out of the way the stuff that didn't.  

In March 25th review I wrote

Quoted Text I think what really caught me off guard here was the incredible volume of characters that are included in here.  It seemed like on every page there was someone new being introduced and they came from some agency or enforcement branch or something.  That being said, I think half of the characters could be eliminated and it wouldn't take anything away from the story.  Specifically, Rallins, McCaine, Duncan and a bunch of minor characters who probably didn't really merit names because their parts were so small, guys like Moore, Thompson, etc.

In this draft I was happy to see that I wasn't overwhelmed.  There were times where I still didn't feel comfortable, however, and I think some of that ties into how the characters are brought into the story.  So, Rallins was working for McCaine...but he was also working for Morbid, who in turn was Arkon's puppet.  Right?  And then you have Dr. Zaun who seems to have a completely different agenda and it appears that he's the prime antagonist here.  I repeat, while I didn't feel overwhelmed, I still felt a little lost at times.  I do like how you boosted up Zaun's character, but a day after finishing the script, I'm still not set in stone on Rallins or McCaine.

Troy and Sarah I felt were much improved.  Troy comes off as a strange guy -- almost too strange at times -- and I think that benefited him.  I think what could benefit him more is just one more piece of personality to round him out.  A quirk.  A gag.  A sense of humor.  Something.  That and another piece of backbone to help his relationship with Hartley.  Man, with those two I felt one was going left and the other was going right, then the other would go right and the other would go left, but they'd never meet in the middle, so, while they spoke a lot, it seemed like they were different dimensions.  I mean, she offers to help him, then he doesn't take it, then he wants it, then she doesn't, then she does, then they're running around, then she says thank you for apparently no reason at all other than to end everything on a happy note and make everyone go home satisfied.  I need more of a backbone connecting those two to really be convinced of their sincerity.

As much criticalness as I'm bringing to the table for characters here, there's also several positive aspects.  Hynek was cool, as always.  I remember in the last draft I read, he was going on and on and on and on and on about all this stuff and just talking, but here you condensed it down and put it in a nice montage to explain it better.  Are you planning a sequel for this?  One thing I noticed was Arkon is this alpha guy, but he doesn't really have any first person involvement with anybody.  And the way the story ends, it seems that you're going for a sequel.  I liked how you included the story of how he got these powers and connected them to Jesus.  Those additions were all big bonuses for me.

One thing I wanna suggest in case you feel you want to add more...why  not bring in some dorky Trekkie or something for more comic relief?  I mean, you got the government the FBI, the cops, the CIA, NBC, TNT, NBA, lord knows who else..why not bring the sci-fi channel in, too?  Just to liven things up a bit and glue down stuff.  Just a thought...

Noticed Stahl was gone.  No complaints.  Still feel sour on the rape attempt from Duncan.  Still don't feel he's a primary character.  He could probably be merged with Rallins and suddenly it's the stone that killed two birds.  Now, after all my bitching about characters, I did like the addition of Morez.  It's that kind of subtle quirkiness that this story needs a little more of.  Aside from him and Hynek, this is 103 pages of really serious stuff.  A good chuckle here and there can only help.

Storywise you did a good job of richening it up with more back story.  The addition of the Arkon stuff, sharpening up of explanations, and I also felt a lot of the dialogue flowed better.  So...kudos to you.  Good job.  Any questions or stuff let me know!