I see you have some questions for me.  I'll answer them the best that I can.

Quoted Text Did you feel they did, did change throughout the script? (the other characters) Sarah is the real protagonist to me

Your two main characters of Sarah and Troy did change, there is no question that they didn't, but I still feel that Troy's tranformation seemed a bit rushed.  I just think it is due to the fact that you cut some 30 pages from your first draft, some character development may have been taken out.  I like explained characters, that's just the way I am.  I like to know why every action they partake in is taken.  When Troy just starts crying after being a badass for most of the script, it just seemed odd.  

Quoted Text Is this bad thing? i mean does this hurt the script you in opinion? (static background characters)

I wouldn't say that it hurt the script, but it definately didn't help it.  The supporting characters shouldn't overtake the leads necessarily, but there should be one or two memorable ones.  Just think of T2 with the Skynet Scientist Dyson.  He had probably like three scenes in total but you still remember him.  Start Wars is an excellent example as well at giving background characters memorable moments.  I would just say make them a bit more alive.

Quoted Text I understand where you are coming from, what you read was a new ending, This was the orignal, tell me if you like it better? INT. TROY�S CAR - DAY TROY (V.O.) �...then reunion day.� Troy enters the car. sarah sits in the passenger seat. She wears a dark dress and black glasses. TROY They're watching. SARAH How long before they come for us? TROY I dont know... Troy drives. TROY (V.O) In the end, I was no better, a murder. How could I let my own child die? I still have hope for Sarah. For what lies next, we will need eachother.                                                                                FADE OUT

That is a much better ending in my opinon.  I like the ambiguity and Sarah's situation is much more clear.  I'm not going to tell to change it back, but that works much better for me.

Quoted Text Is there something of your I could read and drop some feedback on?

I haven't posted a new script in about 6 months, but if you want to read something of mine, that's fine with me.  Click on the link in my signature and it will bring you to my page that contains all of my scripts with synopsis.  Click the link next to the title to open it up.  (PDF files).  I belive there are 5 that you can read.  The top one I'm still writing.  

Quoted Text Also, how did the twists work for you? Did you see anything coming?

No, I didn't see any of the twists coming.  I actually thought the ending was going to be that cliche father and daughter mend their realtionship after killing the bad guys.  Good job with your storyline there.

Quoted Text How about the scenes with Arkon?

Arkon seemed like an interesting character but was severly misused.  I would have liked to see him more.  I'm guessing you have a sequel in mind for this because he needs to have more development.  He seems like he could be a pretty badass character.


Hope that helps.  

Quoted from guyjackson I wouldn't say that it hurt the script, but it definately didn't help it.  The supporting characters shouldn't overtake the leads necessarily, but there should be one or two memorable ones.  Just think of T2 with the Skynet Scientist Dyson.  He had probably like three scenes in total but you still remember him.  Start Wars is an excellent example as well at giving background characters memorable moments.  I would just say make them a bit more alive.

Yes, I understand.

Quoted from guyjackson That is a much better ending in my opinon.  I like the ambiguity and Sarah's situation is much more clear.  I'm not going to tell to change it back, but that works much better for me.

Yea , I didnt think of it that. You put about, happy ending/troy gettin a$$ beat. I'm going to change back to original. Thanks for input on that!

Quoted from guyjackson I haven't posted a new script in about 6 months, but if you want to read something of mine, that's fine with me.  Click on the link in my signature and it will bring you to my page that contains all of my scripts with synopsis.  Click the link next to the title to open it up.  (PDF files).  I belive there are 5 that you can read.  The top one I'm still writing.

I have a horror to read, then I will choose one, hopefully will be review posted by sunday.

Quoted from guyjackson No, I didn't see any of the twists coming.  I actually thought the ending was going to be that cliche father and daughter mend their realtionship after killing the bad guys.  Good job with your storyline there.

Excellent. Thank you again.

Quoted from guyjackson Arkon seemed like an interesting character but was severly misused.  I would have liked to see him more.  I'm guessing you have a sequel in mind for this because he needs to have more development.  He seems like he could be a pretty badass character.

Yep, you are right, Sequel will explain him. Arkon is a sample of what is coming. I wanted just enough to say " I wanna see what this guy can do!"

Hey J.D

This wasn't bad but there are a few things I think need to be fixed up.



************************SPOILERS THROUGHOUT***********************







On the first page you write "monitors display all entry points surround two security guards"  should have read "monitors display all entry points SURROUNDED BY two security guards"

I had to laugh at the sack of potatoes line, Shawn used it in 8x10, and I also used it in Whispers...lol, must be a popular term.

On page 6 and 7 I'm getting confused with all the different Marines, I don't know which one is which.  It is kinda reminding me of V for Vendetta a bit with the mime and the knives.

On page 8 you write  "they are in late teens" should be "they are in  THEIR  late teens"

Page 9 you write "sits in the desk"  should be "sits AT the desk"

Also on page 9 Troy says "we are going to review on yesterday's lecture" should be "we are going to review yesterday's lecture"

I don't think there is any point to have Matt and Chris in this story, they add nothing, I kept thinking they would come back in the story but they don't.

Page 10 "Sit around an rectangle table"  should be "sits around A rectangle table"

Page15 reads "in forties and balding" should be "in HIS forties and balding", same goes with Claire's introduction.

Page 21 Stahl says "we know you know what is it"  should be "we know you know what it is"

The fight scene at the bar is pretty cool.  I liked that

Page 34 Hartley says" you cant's just walk away from crime a scene"  should be "you can't just walk away from a crime scene"

Page 36 Kent says "when visited I you" should be "when I visited you"

On page 40 isn't 5'12 the same as 6'.

I think we meet Sarah too late in the story, maybe have a flashback or something a little earlier on.

The scene where Troy won't use his power to save his wife because he is afraid of being caught doesn't seem to fit because he had no problem using his powers at the bar, maybe he uses his powers but screws it up and ends up killing her, just an idea.

All in all this moved pretty quick and had some good fight scenes in it.  There are some grammar mistakes that need to be changed.

I think the ending didn't quite work for me, it reminded me of conspiracy theory in a way, I would have preferred if Troy really did kill Sarah, that would give the ending an emotional bang.

It almost seems that there may be a sequel here, at least that's how it felt to me, which I think would be a cool idea, I think it could work as long as you find a different angle and don't rehash the same thing as in the original.

I think Troy was a good hero, and Heartley was ell written, same with Stahl, but I think the rest of the characters felt a little flat, maybe punch up a few of their scenes, especially the villains, that's where you can have the most fun.

So this was a neat action film with a little bit of Carrie as well.  Good job.

Quoted from The boy who could fly On the first page you write "monitors display all entry points surround two security guards"  should have read "monitors display all entry points SURROUNDED BY two security guards"

No actually. The way you word it, It sounds like Two men surround monitors, instead of Monitors surround two men. Do you see what I mean?

Quoted from The boy who could fly On page 6 and 7 I'm getting confused with all the different Marines, I don't know which one is which.  It is kinda reminding me of V for Vendetta a bit with the mime and the knives.

I marines just die lol. Also, I invisioned this b4 I ever heard of V. I can't help i got beat to the punch ;0). But his are daggers, not knives and the mime doesn't physically fight with them.

Quoted from The boy who could fly On page 8 you write  "they are in late teens" should be "they are in  THEIR  late teens" Page 9 you write "sits in the desk"  should be "sits AT the desk" Also on page 9 Troy says "we are going to review on yesterday's lecture" should be "we are going to review yesterday's lecture"

Thanks for spotting those!

Quoted from The boy who could fly Page 10 "Sit around an rectangle table"  should be "sits around A rectangle table"

Nope, When speaking of a noun in ploral form, the verb is not ploral.

MILITARY PERSONNEL, high ranked OFFICERS, sit around an rectangle table.

Quoted from The boy who could fly Page 21 Stahl says "we know you know what is it"  should be "we know you know what it is"

The fight scene at the bar is pretty cool.  I liked that [/quote]

Thanks!

Quoted from The boy who could fly Page 34 Hartley says" you cant's just walk away from crime a scene"  should be "you can't just walk away from a crime scene"

That sentence is correct. maybe you looked at it wrong? Or am I?

Quoted from The boy who could fly Page 36 Kent says "when visited I you" should be "when I visited you" On page 40 isn't 5'12 the same as 6'.

more good catches, thanks!

Quoted from The boy who could fly I think we meet Sarah too late in the story, maybe have a flashback or something a little earlier on.

You do she is the mime! lol j/k, but If I did bring her in earlier, be less of surprise who it is, after everything points to Troy. Good suggestion. I woul have to rethiink things.

Quoted from The boy who could fly The scene where Troy won't use his power to save his wife because he is afraid of being caught doesn't seem to fit

They are no married, hince different last names and hartley says, last moment with daughter father, Troy Kneddric.

Quoted from The boy who could fly because he had no problem using his powers at the bar

In the car scene, places, his daughter, alot of patrons are around. He could just disappear without questions his he heals someone dying infront of it. Also, bringing someone back is against the order. i dont rmember in this version if i specify that. That is why not they have to kill him, cuz he broke the order by ressurecting her. And because she is killing peolpe. More or less I put in questions to be answered in the sequel

Quoted from The boy who could fly It almost seems that there may be a sequel here, at least that's how it felt to me, which I think would be a cool idea, I think it could work as long as you find a different angle and don't rehash the same thing as in the original.

Yep you are right. I differently have more tricks to keep it goin with other things. For instance, Arkon.

Quoted from The boy who could fly I think Troy was a good hero, and Heartley was ell written, same with Stahl, but I think the rest of the characters felt a little flat, maybe punch up a few of their scenes, especially the villains, that's where you can have the most fun.

Duly noted!

Quoted from The boy who could fly So this was a neat action film with a little bit of Carrie as well.  Good job.

Thanks, did any of the twists surprise(like a woman, instead of a man) you?

Did I make it feel like Troy was the mime, til he faced the mime?

How about dialgue?

Did it drag at some points? if so, which?

Character development?

Hey J.D, I knew Troy wasn't the mime, it was a gut feeling, I was thinking it had to be somebody else, what I think a big twist would have been would be if he really was the mime, pull a basic instinct, now that would have shocked me.

The dialogue worked for the most part, it's action movie dialogue, a few lines actually reminded me of the rock, the whole landing at Roswell and need to know, but then again "need to know" is standard government lingo so it worked fine.  My own personal preference is when they talk just like ordinary people, but that's just a preference that doesn't mean I'm right.

The story never really dragged, in fact I would have liked it if it was a few pages longer, maybe more with Sarah, and I don't think if you introduced her sooner, maybe in a flashback or something, it wouldn't give it away, just something, doesn't have to be big.

The character that needs the most work is Sarah since she plays a very important part.  Let us get to know her a bit, even if it isn't important to the plot, sometimes those are the best scenes, like pulp fiction the parts that are just character are more interesting than the whole.

You didn’t shorten Rallins speech at all. It’s still on big expository paragraph. Try your best to condense dialogue passages.

The whole Arkon bit is a good addition to the script. You describe neat kills. Keep it up don’t settle for mediocre ones later in the story.

You can shorten the whole test taking and Matt and Chris’s part even more.

Stahl is still cliché, but nice fix up on the line during the questioning.

It still seems like there are a lot of unneeded characters like Duncan and the other guy.

Just a small thing about formatting – you’re not supposed to have character names at the bottom of pages without any dialogue.

Was the whole SWAT thing in the earlier draft? If it wasn’t that was another good addition.

Arkon and Morbid aren’t in it enough IMO. I do like the line later on, “This man isn’t like me. He’s like you.” I thought that was pretty cool.

This one ends with real sequel potential which I like.

This re-write helped the story a lot good job.

Good Luck.

Quoted from TAnthony You didn�t shorten Rallins speech at all. It�s still on big expository paragraph. Try your best to condense dialogue passages.

Yea, i going to try and figure away to get more of that throughout and not one whole spills. I was more concentrated on other plots stuff. but yea needs to be cut down.

Quoted from TAnthony The whole Arkon bit is a good addition to the script. You describe neat kills. Keep it up don�t settle for mediocre ones later in the story.

Very true. Which ones did you feel was mediocre, which I could spice up?

Quoted from TAnthony You can shorten the whole test taking and Matt and Chris�s part even more.

Yea, no need to have them talk any.

Quoted from TAnthony Stahl is still clich�, but nice fix up on the line during the questioning.

Hehe, thx

Quoted from TAnthony It still seems like there are a lot of unneeded characters like Duncan and the other guy.

Yea, they just serve as goons for Zahn

Quoted from TAnthony Just a small thing about formatting � you�re not supposed to have character names at the bottom of pages without any dialogue.

Yea, I know. See, I have to save from final draft to rft, then to a word doc, then pdf it.  Whenever i use Final draft to save a pdf, its makes the fine to huge to download for some reason. But yea It isn't like that when i print or send out. Just here (for net)

Quoted from TAnthony Was the whole SWAT thing in the earlier draft? If it wasn�t that was another good addition.

Yea, I pretty sure they were that, but i did switch up alot of things, maybe it wasn't.

Quoted from TAnthony Arkon and Morbid aren�t in it enough IMO. I do like the line later on, �This man isn�t like me. He�s like you.� I thought that was pretty cool.

Yea, I know.. I did that on purpose, just a sample of them. They are big part of the sequel, I'm going to write.

Quoted from TAnthony This one ends with real sequel potential which I like. This re-write helped the story a lot good job. Good Luck.

Thanks! Let me know whenever you need some feed back on revison, new draft and or story.

Couple quick questions.

So you did prefer this ending over b4?

Did the switch up with Sarah at cemetary and stahl and hartley talking to her there work better? Also that scene with the girl shying away cuz she looks bad?

Did you notice I gave dr Zahn more of a reason, for why he wants the power so bad? basically cuz he dying and wants to live.

Hi J.D.  I have a few observations as I went along:

I like the newton's cradel as a visual motif.  Energy can be a hard concept to grasp.  This demonstrates your central theme in a clear, concise manner.

I'd tone done Stahl's character a bit, in particular when he interrogates Troy.  He knows this guy has special powers so I'm not sure it rings true to have him provoke this guy like that.  He can still act cold and hostile towards him but this should be masked under a vail of caution.  If you don't like that approach then perhaps you could have Stahl be a scoffer.  He doesn't believe in any of that telekenetic mumbo-jumbo.  only then, I think, would he have reason to provoke Troy for a demonstration of his ability.

Hartley comes to trust Troy rather quickly after the fight in the bar.  I know he saved her life but maybe you could build on this.  Perhaps he dresses her wound, shows genuine concern.  This is a pivotal plot point and it seems underplayed.  I think there needs to be more bonding taking place.

I was about to mention that the mime and Troy seem almost too invincible but then you introduced the concept of 'shielding'.  This is like their cryptonite.  Without it there would be no vulnerablity and therefore no sense of drama.

*Spoilers ahead*

I was pretty sure Troy wasn't the mine.  This isn't a whodunnit so it's not a big thing but I think most people would come to that conclusion.  When the mine talks, before her identity is revealed, you should mention that she has a female voice since this would be hard to conceal on screen.  

*end spoilers*

Overall I found the action to be brisk and the story and concepts to be intriguing.  There's certainly enough here to provide the basis for a compelling story.  There were some spelling errors - not many but a good proof-read is in order.  I think ultimately though that the ending falls a part a bit.  I'll try to explain.

*spoilers again*

I just had a hard time buying that Troy would shoot his own daughter.  I understand his rationale, I just don't think a sane parent would be capable of this, especially when done supposedly out of love.  

On another point, the fact that he was able to heal her wounds can't really be explained through telekenesis.  Telekenisis is the ability to move objects.  I guess he would be able to extract the bullet - I'll buy that but that alone wouldn't save her.  She'd have internal damage and bleeding - something that would have to be medically treated, otherwise she would most certainly die.  There are ways around this though by changing certain things - maybe a medic is on standby or something and perhaps Zahn is the one who shoots her.

*end spoilers*

I think Troy and Hartley's relationship seems to fizzle out and go nowhere, as if you set up a romance only to abandon it once it became inconvienient for the plot.  I don't think this has to be a hinderence though.  Maybe Hartley is a single mom herself and can empathise with Troy's relationhip with his daughter, even going so far as to encourage them to reconnect.

The best parts of your story was when Troy had to deal with his super ability.  That is what I'd suggest you focus on.  The action sequences were fine but they don't distinguish themselves from other action films.  I don't really view this as a super-hero story but the tortured super-hero angle is a good one to exploit.  At times I thought he seemed too invincible, stopping bullets in particular - that may be a bit much.  He's a victim in all this, as well as being our protagonist, so I think he needs to be put in harms way.

I tried to be as honest and forthright as I can be.  I'm sure that's what you want.  You have the makings of a good script.  It just suffers from a few missteps and it seems you ran out of gas a bit towards the end as the action sequences began to feel a little too routine and rushed.  Viewed as a first draft you have something pretty good on your hands here but I'd keep at it and continue its refinement.

Quoted from mgj Hi J.D.  I have a few observations as I went along: I like the newton's cradel as a visual motif.  Energy can be a hard concept to grasp.  This demonstrates your central theme in a clear, concise manner.

Thanks, I just recently added that in.

Quoted from mgj I'd tone done Stahl's character a bit, in particular when he interrogates Troy.  He knows this guy has special powers so I'm not sure it rings true to have him provoke this guy like that.

Actually They dont know anything about the "ability" Stahl says " Milittary special research center was hit this morning, an washinton is callin out all stops on this guy--" He hands his background file. That they had. Rmember the Psiom file was stole ( file that talks about his ability)

Quoted from mgj Hartley comes to trust Troy rather quickly after the fight in the bar.  I know he saved her life but maybe you could build on this.  Perhaps he dresses her wound, shows genuine concern.  This is a pivotal plot point and it seems underplayed.  I think there needs to be more bonding taking place.

Good point, but I trying to stray from cliche and setting up a romance. They just have a  lil thing that doesn't really go anywhere. His character is troubled with women. He lost daughter mother, and at the time not on speakin terms with his daughter.

Alot of things are setup for the sequel.

Quoted from mgj I was about to mention that the mime and Troy seem almost too invincible but then you introduced the concept of 'shielding'.  This is like their cryptonite.  Without it there would be no vulnerablity and therefore no sense of drama.

Quoted from mgj I was pretty sure Troy wasn't the mine.  This isn't a whodunnit so it's not a big thing but I think most people would come to that conclusion.  When the mine talks, before her identity is revealed, you should mention that she has a female voice since this would be hard to conceal on screen.   *end spoilers*

I feel s if you missed something that are in place, in which I can most likely point out further down. But in Sarah's alter ego takes place a (deeper voice) emergers. It is not feminine. This was do to the accident when the electric collar singed her neck.

Quoted from mgj *spoilers again* I just had a hard time buying that Troy would shoot his own daughter.  I understand his rationale, I just don't think a sane parent would be capable of this, especially when done supposedly out of love.

This is the point I was talking about. Troy doesn't shoot her. Dr. Zahn does. "Smoke rises from a gun in Dr. Zahn's hand. In shock Troy rushes down to Sarah"

Then I even put the line Troy " I couldnt do it. Zahn shot her"

Quoted from mgj On another point, the fact that he was able to heal her wounds can't really be explained through telekenesis.  Telekenisis is the ability to move objects.   *end spoilers*

Yes I agree with you. BUT this isanother point. I explain Psi what is being used, not Telekinetics. Psi is the keys to unlcking those mysteries, for the ability to use telekinesis, and other things, as in healing. I even demotrated it by the Portrait of Jesus with the sleeping girl and Dr. Zahn states this.

Quoted from mgj I think Troy and Hartley's relationship seems to fizzle out and go nowhere, as if you set up a romance only to abandon it once it became inconvienient for the plot.  I don't think this has to be a hinderence though.  Maybe Hartley is a single mom herself and can empathise with Troy's relationhip with his daughter, even going so far as to encourage them to reconnect.

You have a good suggestion, Actually this is what she is lol. I took this out of my 1st draft. I did setup her home life her daughter and Troy met her. but Ultimately didnt serve in pushing the plot forward and was editted out.

Quoted from mgj The best parts of your story was when Troy had to deal with his super ability.  That is what I'd suggest you focus on.

Good suggestion.

Quoted from mgj The action sequences were fine but they don't distinguish themselves from other action films.  I don't really view this as a super-hero story but the tortured super-hero angle is a good one to exploit.  At times I thought he seemed too invincible, stopping bullets in particular - that may be a bit much.  He's a victim in all this, as well as being our protagonist, so I think he needs to be put in harms way.

The really meaning behind the story is, Troy vs himself. that is the harms way. He has done things tha has lead to this event. Like you said he is tortured person become of what he can do. Now herchild is out of control cuz he gave her the gift. So he has overcome the obstacle of how to handle this and make this right.

I'm not trying to defend what I have, but I just think you have missed alot of things.

Quoted from mgj I tried to be as honest and forthright as I can be.  I'm sure that's what you want.  You have the makings of a good script.  It just suffers from a few missteps and it seems you ran out of gas a bit towards the end as the action sequences began to feel a little too routine and rushed.  Viewed as a first draft you have something pretty good on your hands here but I'd keep at it and continue its refinement.

yes, I do appreciate the honest critique! You are right with the fight scenes. I must add a little more without over stepping into fight chorographer!;p

Thanks again. I wil keep at it! I'll have Milo's review up by thursday night.

Quoted from JD_OK This is the point I was talking about. Troy doesn't shoot her. Dr. Zahn does. "Smoke rises from a gun in Dr. Zahn's hand. In shock Troy rushes down to Sarah" Then I even put the line Troy " I couldnt do it. Zahn shot her"

You're right.  I went back and reread the passage.  I'm not sure what I was thinking or, apparently, not thinking.  I had my office christmas party earlier that evening so I'd like to blame it on the rum and egg-nog but I should probably just admit that I had an off night.

Anyway, that was very unprofessional of me so my appologies.  This obviously now changes a portion of my review.  

The way you have it is right - Zahn should kill her.  Troy and Sarah did battle with one another though and that part does go back to my previous comments.  I think you should make it clear that Troy doesn't want to hurt her, even in self-defense.  Maybe play this up a bit more for dramatic effect.  

I was aware that she was pocessed but I still thought the mine should sound, if not feminine, then distinct in some way.  Not a big thing though.

I was wrong too about Troy being Telekenetic.  Psi is not a word I was familiar with but I looked it up and I guess it encompasses all type of paranormal phenomina.  That makes sense then how he was able to save her from the gunshot wound.  I think though that Troy should have to make some sort of personal sacrifice in order to save her.  It seems a little too easy I guess.  It makes him almost god-like (maybe I'm just stuck on the tortured super-hero angle).  Perhaps he could be the one to take the bullet for Sarah, jumping in the way at the last second.  In this senario it would be Sarah who heals him.  Seeing him lying there bleeding to death - this could spark something in her, allowing her true self to emerge.  Just a thought anyway.  

Hope this helps a little more.

Quoted from mgj Perhaps he could be the one to take the bullet for Sarah, jumping in the way at the last second.  In this senario it would be Sarah who heals him.  Seeing him lying there bleeding to death - this could spark something in her, allowing her true self to emerge.  Just a thought anyway.   Hope this helps a little more

Yea, great minds think alot. Again lol I had this as my first ending/twist he took the bullet. But my Professional consultant,  didnt like that fact he took it, and took the responsiblity of Sarah crimes ( he dies, with the mask on, and FBI and everyone finds him dead) So Sarah was free and clear, then she was going to reform and use his aibilties for Good. But troy did come back.

So I had to rewrite, she takes thw fall for the crimes she has commented. But like a mad scientist. Troy can't let her stay gone and brings her back to life, which in turns he has broken "the order" and now Arkon will try and kill them both.

Think the matrix, so many questions presented in the 1st only to be answered later in the sequel.


How was the dialogue for you? anything cheesy stick out for you?

Side note, I liken; what Im reading in Milo, very creative/imaginative thus far

Quoted from JD_OK How was the dialogue for you? anything cheesy stick out for you?

I know a previous reviewer mentioned that Stahl seems cliche.  That may be true but I don't think it's such a terrible thing to be cliche.  Usually the problem lies when the dialog becomes redundant or unnecessary.  One instance I can think of is when Stahl says 'bag it' at the end.  A person in his position might very well say that but it doesn't really advance the story in any way.

Found some time tonight so I gave it a squiz.

I thought the concept was good – especially good if you are considering a series tie in.  The story and the required arcs were there.  The first half of the script was pretty tight but the second half still needs some tightening.  

Your characters were good, with the major exception that Troy lost quite a number of respect points by not trying to save Sarah’s mother. I thought Sarah’s split was a bit simplistic at times but I really didn’t have any suggestion as to how to improve that.  Also I did not like that it took so long for Hartley to get tough.

All in all, you did well.  My page by page comments follow.

pg 24. displaying *a* remarkable gift...*The* ability to place.... Is Dr Zahn not a native english speaker?

around pg 36.  I'm finding it a bit difficult to belive his control of his powers - at this point - perhaps more of a clue rather than just the choking incident. Hartley trusting him so easily is also difficult to believe even though you tried justifying it.  


pg 34 *what* the fuck *is* he doing here...

pg 38.  I think this section is a bit mixed up.  Have the exposition about psi on pg 39 be explained to Stahl in third person about the killer after "He ran out of energy". This will give  
Stahl even more reason to be incredulous.

pg 42. She is obviously trusting Troy now. She should have misgivings about giving up the napkin.

pg 43. You think the Dr might soften the news a bit.

pg 53. Ave should be title case.

pg 54. Did you explain where the Mime is getting all these knives?  I think I missed it.
     from *a* stack by Troy.


pg 55 "It is time for my departure" doesn't flow well as dialogue. (to Sarah) Sarah should be title case.

pg 62  Deabla?

pg 69 "is he" should be "he is" -- woulda'? I don't remember Troy being that slangy.

pg 71 I'm not liking Troy in that he won't help his daughter and that he didn't help her mother.

pg 73 Ok. so I'm getting there is this split personality thing going on with Sarah and he won't help the Mime part but I'm still not liking him for not helping the mother.  He could have found some way to help even if it didn't succeed.

pg 74 Troy is hit? through the back window.

pg 78 I assure you revenge is but only a gateway for a lost soul. Without it, we are all cursed... Without revenge we are all cursed?

pg 82 I'm a bit upset with Hartley now. She hasn't shown a single iota of prowess at her job. She should at least get to show how tough she is once so we know she is a good cop.

pg 83 I'm thinking if Stahl had on a vest so should have Deabla and Morez.

pg 84 better Hartley gets tough.

pg 89 Sarah fist's punch throw walls. Hunh?

pg 99 murderer?    

Quoted from mcornetto pg 24. displaying *a* remarkable gift...*The* ability to place.... Is Dr Zahn not a native english speaker?

No, but good point out.

Quoted from mcornetto around pg 36.  I'm finding it a bit difficult to belive his control of his powers - at this point - perhaps more of a clue rather than just the choking incident. Hartley trusting him so easily is also difficult to believe even though you tried justifying it.

Its supposed to be subdue til he comes out full blown at the bar. It is previously stated what hge is capable of doing by dr zahn.

Quoted from mcornetto pg 34 *what* the fuck *is* he doing here...

No its supposed to be The fuck, this is part of stahl's speech pattern

Quoted from mcornetto pg 42. She is obviously trusting Troy now. She should have misgivings about giving up the napkin.

Quoted from mcornetto pg 54. Did you explain where the Mime is getting all these knives?  I think I missed it.

Yes from the very begining and hospital. knives strapped to the thigh

Quoted from mcornetto pg 62  Deabla?

Its a hispanic last name

Quoted from mcornetto g 78 I assure you revenge is but only a gateway for a lost soul. Without it, we are all cursed... Without revenge we are all cursed?

I can see how it could be mixed up. He was speaking of soul last, without it, we all would be lost. I will make it more understood. Thanks

Quoted from mcornetto pg 83 I'm thinking if Stahl had on a vest so should have Deabla and Morez.

  

Others are shot in the head as stated and stahl is shoot inthe chest.

Quoted from mcornetto pg 89 Sarah fist's punch throw walls. Hunh?

Thanks, for the review. Again once you sumbit your rewrite, ill be 1st to post

So this is my second time through this script, and I thought I'd be more detailed. It's taking a lot longer than I thought it would, only going through 28 pages in two hours.

An overall comment is about descriptions. Most of your scenes begin with little to no description of what IS happening when the scene begins. You need to establish each scene with a description of what the area looks like, and what the characters are doing when the scene begins. You'll see this mentioned multiple times throughout this portion of my review, but in future ones, I'll only pass over it mentioning you need description at the beginning of the scene.

Here's part one. I'll read on later (which may or may not mean today) and give more.

SPOILERS MAY FOLLOW

2: Wording is a bit funny, but I get it. "Monitors displayING all building entry points surround..."

You mention two vacant feeds, but your previous description only mentions one going out. Before that, the implication is that all monitors are active. If one is dead already, you need to say so.

Kent referring to Moore as "Corporal" comes out as cheap exposition. It would be better if it comes off as an order in the next segment of dialogue from Kent. In fact, it will read better if you replace "you will be fine" with "Corporal" since no danger has been indicated thus far beyond the killing of the monitor.

3: You have a slug immediately followed by a V.O. from Kent. You need to describe what this scene looks like before any dialogue occurs, and if anything is going on there. Sure we have the slug, but that doesn't really count for a description.

Moore's comment to Hickman is a bit weird. Try saying it out loud in some kind of character, and you'll note that it doesn't come out natural.

6: Hill steadies his post. What does this mean?

7: I find it difficult to accept that a military facility would have a phone line so easy to cut, or an alarm system so easy to shut down. Residential alarm systems have battery backup, and some have a cellular backup in case of phone line breach. A government facility would have multiple redundencies to its alarm systems, and when Kent pushes the button, it'll work. The man in black has only just entered the facility and would not have had the opportunity to get to the heart of the place to undo the battery and cellular backups to the alarm system. Also, it is likely that any lines going to this facility would be underground making them that much more difficult to disrupt.

After Burr's dialogue is the first time we are introduced by name to The Mime. This needs to be capitalized, or better yet, name THE MIME on page 6 following the description of the character. It insures consistncy of description. The way it reads now, I know who you're talking about, but it would read cleaner if the Mime were clearly established as that person with mask. Is this nitpicky? You bet!

8: When the security camera goes black, it would be good to have a visual reaction from Kent. Even him standing there with his mouth hanging open, since the Mime just proved him wrong about getting through the glass.

9: What is the source of the light? If it is emanating from the Mime, you need to say this. If it comes from somewhere else, that's useful too.

10: "Let's" has an apostrophe.

Rallins' rushing is worded really oddly. "rushes into an office, for the door" I think something is missing here because I can't visualize this.

In the office, you say McCaine is speaking to a foreign man, but his first line is to Rallins. The description there woudl more rightly read "McCaine sits with a foreign man." It would be good in this scene to put wrylies to notate who McCaine is speaking to.

You need to describe the hallway. Sure we know what a hall looks like, but what are McCaine and Rallins doing in it? Walking? Standing? Drinking coffee? Groping interns? Right now, there's nothing visual here.

11: The War Room secondary heading: Does this transition immediately from the prior scene? That's the only instance where this would be used because while it's a different part of the facility, it's not a part of the preceeding scene. It seems to happen much later. If it does transition, have McCaine give his sigh and "...walk

INTO THE WAR ROOM

where MILITARY PERSONNEL..."

I wouldn't have McCaine start the scene with his question. It's redundant to what follows.

12/13: Rallins seemed like a gopher before, but now he's the guy with all the answers. Colonel Daniels seemed to be in charge, but Rallins takes the floor. Why is that? Who is Rallins anyway? This package that Rallins received should already be in his possession, not (in effect) "coming anytime now" when the meeting begins.

"video of the surveillance tape" is redundant. You would have "surveillance video" or maybe "the surveillance tape" but not both.

Dr. Zahn should already be in the room with everyone, not making a late entrance. We could also do with some introductions to those in the room, if there's not too many.

You have two McCaine dialogue headers in a row during the video section. During this bit, you need to have more video shown, at least in a series of shots or something. In addition, during MCCaine's "rewind that" dialogue, it really should be broken up with what the video is doing.

13/14: Colonel Daniels gets to be the mouthpiece of questions, but it doesn't come off well. The "psiom" question can be more effective asked by complete silence after Dr. Zahn uses the term. He would explain the meaning and then Daniels can ask if it is like telekinesis, and ask it more like a question instead of like a child using his word of the day.

Another example on 14 of where more of the video needs to be shown. Dr. Zahn says "you just witnessed a man...shattering [glass]", but we didn't actually see the video part of that. They saw a guy lifted off the ground.

McCaine's final line is kind of pointless. Obviously, that's their next step. A far better stinger to the scene would be Dr. Zahn talking about conducting the test and end with the name, which we should recognize from the classroom scene earlier. Trouble is, no one said his name earlier, nor was it inferred that his name appeared anywhere in that scene. Either we need to know his name there, or the scene has no purpose. Matt or Chris could say "Sorry Professor Kneddric" or something just to throw it out there.

15: Troy's final line is bizarre. I don't know what he means. "Even controlling it is use directed properly." The test should be better introduced, perhaps in the earlier scene. He mentioned the test there, and then begins it here. Setup-payoff.

The expositional scene on Kneddric is coming across expositional with everyone asking break-up the tirade questions at all the right time. We need something visual to look at while the heads talk. You can lose Colonel Daniels first line since Zahn can kick off the scene on his own. You can also lose McCaine's "What Brazil incident" line since the Voice Over (who needs a name or title, by the way, not just "voice over") breaks up the scene again. It would be good for Zahn to refer to the "Brazil incident" as "Mission Land-Line." By doing so, he ties together with Rallins without the expository break-up question.