I have just finished reading Newton's Cradle, and I am in awe.



Warning, contains a number of spoilers:







MAN that was an incredible story.  I loved the first sequence starting with Morbid almost killing Troy, only to see it as a dream for Troy.  The detail in each battle scene was amazing, and seeing how Troy transends from a drunk, to a teacher, to a hero was incredible.  

The Mime was definitely, and I am not over-exaggerating when I say this, the best supernatural killer in anything I've ever read or seen.  And his/her true identity left me blown away.  How Sarah was burnt up and revealed to have supernatural powers like her father Troy turned her into this multi-personality Mime created by Dr. Zahn was a brilliant plot twist.  Honestly, I hadn't expected to even see Sarah again after she was greeted by her boyfriend at the restaurant.

Stahl and Hartley were great supporting characters.  I love how Stahl was so against Troy in the beginning only to be on Troy's side after everything occuring.  I was actually scared from when Duncan shot Stahl, I was thinking "Why Stahl?!  Why him?!"  But was quickly relieved when I found out he was wearing a vest.

Morbid was I think, easy to tell that he was a secondary antagonist, apart from Zahn, but he was an incredible bad guy.  Your fight scene with Morbid and Sarah, along with Troy would already be an amazing fight scene for any movie.

Finally, the last couple of pages were scenes I could honestly see in my mind, and it felt so emotional, so professional.  You can really picture Troy at the graves while we go back to Stahl and Kent, Jordan and Hartley, Arkon and his men, and back to Troy.  A pure and utter masterpiece is all I have to say.

My only suggestion is...make a sequal bud.  This is probably the best script I have EVER read, the ending with Arkon sending his men after Troy, and secretly with Sarah would be perfect for the makings of a sequal.  But again, AWESOME bud, you have to be the best screen writer I've seen in a VERY long time.  Awesome, not once was I bored when reading this, I was actually not wanting to leave my computer, *work and friends say otherwise however, lol.*  Keep it up.  

hey JD_Ok,

I got to finish the script. Sorry for the length of time that it took me to read it. I enjoyed it. It's improved tremendously. I can tell a sequel might be in development but it's up to your decision if u want to do so. The fighting scenes appeared pretty good as I imagined while reading it. I didn't find much wrong with anything in this portion. Congrats.

Gabe

Quoted from Rice Grenades I apologize for my errors on the last part of the review. I must've just missed the indicator somewhere. Alright, here is the final part of my review for Newton's Cradle.

its coo!

Quoted from Rice Grenades This was the greatest final pages I've ever read. I was touched emotionally by how it ended so well. Your screenplay is one of the greatest ones I have read in my time. I can definately see this in theaters in four or five years. The twists and turns were amazing, your character development was just as great, and your descriptions had everything playing out in my mind the entire reading process. I felt like I didn't know much about Morbid, because he was unknown the entire script. All I knew was that he was very religious, and worked with Arkon. Maybe if you re-wrote this, you could include his history.

Wow, thanks for teh comments!

Far as Morbid - I didnt wanna stray to far from the story. he i a basic bad ass henchman!

But I did put in what was driving him and that was to get more knowledge for the scripture scrolls of psi. I hoped it was enough.

Quoted from Rice Grenades Or maybe if you write a sequal you could include it. Just a suggestion.

Sequel was always intended with this story.

Quoted from Rice Grenades Honestly, this is a great piece of work. You obviously have lot's of experience with writing screenplays. To anyone who has not read this screenplay, read it. It is an example of what a screenplay should look like. Thank you for a good read, JD!

Appreciate your overall review!  

Anythin you didnt like?  Any negative feedback? Good always welcomed but negative helps make better if u have some.

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad MAN that was an incredible story.  I loved the first sequence starting with Morbid almost killing Troy, only to see it as a dream for Troy.  The detail in each battle scene was amazing, and seeing how Troy transends from a drunk, to a teacher, to a hero was incredible.

I'm glad you were able to grasp all I put out and acknowledge it!

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad The Mime was definitely, and I am not over-exaggerating when I say this, the best supernatural killer in anything I've ever read or seen.  And his/her true identity left me blown away.  How Sarah was burnt up and revealed to have supernatural powers like her father Troy turned her into this multi-personality Mime created by Dr. Zahn was a brilliant plot twist.  Honestly, I hadn't expected to even see Sarah again after she was greeted by her boyfriend at the restaurant.

Excellent! I'm glad it blow u away. I was worried about giving her away too soon. Mmy previous drafts she didnt appeal at on til the reveal. Dialogue alone hinted at a daughter.

Honestly she is my favorite character. She is will be more main char in sequel.

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad Stahl and Hartley were great supporting characters.  I love how Stahl was so against Troy in the beginning only to be on Troy's side after everything occuring.  I was actually scared from when Duncan shot Stahl, I was thinking "Why Stahl?!  Why him?!"  But was quickly relieved when I found out he was wearing a vest.

Great! yea i didnt wanna kill off the black guy hehe, just make it look that way for a second =\. He improved alot from previous drafts. he was white, ha. and all they ggay references werent there b4.

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad Morbid was I think, easy to tell that he was a secondary antagonist, apart from Zahn, but he was an incredible bad guy.  Your fight scene with Morbid and Sarah, along with Troy would already be an amazing fight scene for any movie.

Thanks, I really had to go back and try to make each one different. Opening scene show alil of the power but more of less cast shadows on who the mime was. Troy used knives aswell, but the morbid had the white light.

But I so wanted weps. So I had to give a reason wh weps are used. It subtle. But whenever they arent physically holding something, they wep can not be taken away/ broke, becuz of shielding. Thus is why u see knifes shatter while in flight or dropped.

And of course numbchucks is such a great great weps,  yet like others have mentioned.. they arent in any other movies these days, so it adds for more of a impact for the male hugry wep fight scene.

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad Finally, the last couple of pages were scenes I could honestly see in my mind, and it felt so emotional, so professional.  You can really picture Troy at the graves while we go back to Stahl and Kent, Jordan and Hartley, Arkon and his men, and back to Troy.  A pure and utter masterpiece is all I have to say.

Thank u for expressing this and how it made u feel. That was my intentions for it to emotional felt ending for father and daughter. And the poem I found helped express it further.

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad My only suggestion is...make a sequal bud.  This is probably the best script I have EVER read, the ending with Arkon sending his men after Troy, and secretly with Sarah would be perfect for the makings of a sequal.  But again, AWESOME bud, you have to be the best screen writer I've seen in a VERY long time.  Awesome, not once was I bored when reading this, I was actually not wanting to leave my computer, *work and friends say otherwise however, lol.*  Keep it up.

Its will come sooner or later, once I get this one sold. Thanks again! Be sure to check out other great scripts here!


Mr ripley - hey thanks for the read and I look forward to reading the director and offering some good feedback on it! And u was right back when u read it last. I still had work to do, and I'm still going to work at it!

This is not an official return from hiatus (though I am drawing ever closer).

But I've been working too hard, the house is quiet (rare!), I got a few brews in the fridge (OK, not so rare...), and I was in the mood to read something.  And comment.  Plus, this script is an old debt I've been lax in clearing.

That, and it is always fun to give feedback to somebody who actually listens -- then plows whatever they think is useful right back into their script.  So the stars are in alignment for a good read, J.D.

Let' see what all that fuss is really about, shall we?

This will most certainly contain SPOILERS:

*  Right off, no page numbers.  Annoying.  Yeah, I can get pages from the PDF, but you are still lazy for not having the pages numbered.  Don't argue that one.
*  Page 1:  The cut from helicopter to ground is too abrupt.  They are suddenly in the forest?  If you are not going to show the Seals jumping, you might as well start your story right there in the forest.  This will help the budget, too.
*  Page 5:  A small detail, but if Morbid is O.C. (and I prefer O.S.), then how do we know it is Morbid?  Remember, we are in a visual medium here.
*  Page 7:  Another small detail.  Do not tell us the car "remains" wedged.  We just got here.  A car "is" wedged.
*  Page 10:  Lose the phrase "against his will".  I mean, of course, right?
*  I skimmed some previous comments, and noticed your defense to George of the broken format.  That is, a character name on one page with dialogue on the next.  By page 15, I feel like commenting that it is starting to become annoying to me, too.  Just saying.
*  Also on page 15, say the figure reveals "itself", not "himself.  Yes, I've read enough spoilers to know who it is.  But otherwise, you are being dishonest.  In fact, you always use male descriptors.  I suggest you use generic ones, such as "its".  And stop capitalizing The.  Just capitalize Mime.
*  Page 22:  Two "poles".  I have skipped a few typos, but this one stands correction. And if I'm not mistaken (and I'm not), they must have four poles, lest the balls hit the poles.  And on page 23, why does Rallins have a big line in his dialogue?
*  Page 24 and 25:  The Continuous slugs are distracting and unnecessary.
*  Page 28:  We need to know the recorder is under the table, as you come back to this detail a bit later.
*  Page 40:  The action scene prior to this page is good.  Quite good.  But Troy's briefcase?  That appears out of nowhere.  And why has he got one anyway? If this is an important detail, you need to set it up beforehand.
*  Page 41: "Badges are flashed."  Nice, quick.  That's how it's supposed to be done.  I just felt like commenting on this.
*  Page 42:  Instead of having the Mime weed through files, why not have the specific file IT needs fly into ITS hands?  (Stop using "his" -- you are cheating).  Troy can still say "he".  That's fine, and you still get your misdirection.
*  Page 44:  That shielding scene deserves a bit more dialogue between Troy and Hartley.  She would most certainly have a few questions.
*  Page 48:  I also recall some previous comments about the Rice Crispies line.  I like it just fine.  But capitalize Crispies.  And for the final line from Morez, have him say that "PCR confirms a match" and lose that Washington stuff.  He had plenty of DNA.  Just trust me on this one.
*  Page 58:  Even though I knew the Mime's identity, I can clearly see that it works.  This is the last time I will point out that "he" and "his" is a blatant cheat on the author's part.

Alright, now I am about halfway through, and it is time for a broad comment.  This is exciting enough, and interesting sure, but there is also a big problem here.   Nobody has a goal for us to really empathize with.  I suppose Troy needs to prove his innocence, and there is clearly something larger behind that, but this doesn't emerge until quite late in the script.  And even then, we still are not really sure of his obstacles, which should be clear by now.  Mime and Morbid are both still a bit WTF?  And again, we are halfway through.  Something you need to think about.

*  Page 63:  A seismograph? Isn't that for earthquakes?
*  Page 73:  I also caught previous comments regarding the definition you had found of "quantum".  Again, trust me, if Hynek is a scientist, he would never use that definition in reference to quantum mechanics.  It is different stuff altogether.  All you need do is start his line at "when" as opposed to "quantum".  Otherwise, you make him sound foolish.  And even then, you are playing a bit loose with the science, yes?  And while I'm at it, there must be some way to trim down that monkey story a bit.
*  You have three separate scenes without sluglines in the middle of page 74.  Weird technique, and not sure I like it.
*  Page 79:  Now you are contradicting yourself with the shielding.  I thought protection from psi was the whole point of that earlier scene in the car.  So why did you bother to show us that? [Note later:  Particularly as it never came back into play.  You should consider paying off this set-up opportunity.]
*  The confessional scene was quite good.  But then, on the next few pages, those annoying Continuous are back.  Lose 'em.
*  I was surprised to find myself happy that Stahl was alive.  I didn't think I cared about that character much.  Guess I did.
*  Page 88:  Umm...how does Hartley get up when tied to a chair?
*  Page 91:  The scared marine explodes?  What?  Why not just have him crushed by the falling door?
*  Page 95:  I humbly suggest that you switch the first lines from Sarah and Troy, giving one's dialogue to the other.  Troy apologizes.  Sarah forgives him.  More resonance that way.  What do you think?

And, finally, this ends well.  I can see where people are getting the idea of a sequel from.

Your title, Newton's Cradle, is by far the best title of the three you've had.  In fact, I would say you've found the right one.  It has a nice ring.  Stick to it.  But you must have the professor, or someone, refer to those bouncing balls as Newton's Cradle at some point so the viewer will also understand the connection, not just the reader.

It's too bad you and Phil could not see eye to eye on this.  This would make a good double-feature with "The Burnout".  It is a good script, and your work on this really shows.

And btw -- have you noticed that your script has cracked this little-noticed board?

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?v-stats/

Look at the Top 10 Topics.  This is only the second script-based thread to do that.  The first one is -- well -- never mind.

Anyways -- just know that if you reach 200 posts you and me are gonna have a problem, see?  I don't care how buff you are.  I'm still plenty scrappy.  

Hey JD,

Just finished reading Newton’s Cradle and here’s my review.

!!SPOILERS!!

This is a nice sci-fi/action flick you’ve written her, a sort of Carrie meets X-Men meets X-Files meets second season of Millennium.

I liked the opening scene, it really set the tone for the rest of the script. Though I found the scene a little too Predator’ish, you mixed it well with the flying knifes and glowing hands.

A questing though, why is it necessary to send an entire Seal team when clearly on man (Troy) is enough? Also, I would liked to have known a bit more about his military career. How did he from being a Seal operative to a university teacher/professor.

The death of his wife is a bit sudden and - as a reader - I didn’t really feel the hardship that Troy must’ve gone through.

I thought the general plot was inventive and often surprising. Some of the elements though were extremely cliche; a mad scientist who is dying, the whole good cop bad cop routine. The plot could use a little trimming I think. It’s not that difficult to follow or anything, but some of it doesn’t really lead anywhere. I’m thinking about the whole McCaine thing, it feels a little like filling.

You definitely know how to write an action sequence but I think some of the fight scenes could be shortened because I felt they were a bit repetitive which in the end made them a little boring to read. Knife flies here, gun goes there, you know what I mean? Mix it up a bit.

Some of the flashbacks worked, not all of them. I think you could substitute a couple of them with dialog instead. Sometimes the imagination works better than the eye.

The dialog was - in my opinion - the weakest part of the script. Some of it seemed forced and staged. You need to have a look at this.

The characters were described pretty good, especially Hynek, he was very well written. A couple of the smaller roles like Duncan and Ley could use a little meat, ‘coz I totally forgot who they were. Also, I think you took the easy way out when you killed those two. Morbid quickly became annoying with all his reciting of scripture. Another thing was is that you numbered the character names like Seal Two, Marine Four. That simply doesn’t work. It’s difficult to read through. I think you should give them names but also have fewer ‘non-essential’ characters.

Regarding format, the first thing that bothered me was that character name and dialog were sometimes cut in half by page breaks. That a no no. There were very few typos here though.

All in all a pleasant and fast read. It just needs a little work.

Cheers
Rob

Quoted from bert *  Right off, no page numbers.  Annoying.  Yeah, I can get pages from the PDF, but you are still lazy for not having the pages numbered.  Don't argue that one.

its due to the file convert. I'll try and get the upgrade so it converts straight to pdf from final draft.. right now it broke for me and I'm tired of xplaing why its like this! lol

Quoted from bert *  Page 7:  Another small detail.  Do not tell us the car "remains" wedged.  We just got here.  A car "is" wedged. *  Page 10:  Lose the phrase "against his will".  I mean, of course, right?

Great catch will fix

Quoted from bert *  Also on page 15, say the figure reveals "itself", not "himself.  Yes, I've read enough spoilers to know who it is.  But otherwise, you are being dishonest.  In fact, you always use male descriptors.  I suggest you use generic ones, such as "its".  And stop capitalizing The.  Just capitalize Mime.

Lol, if i did that they reader would automatically catch this and think it is a woman since i'm not saying him.

Quoted from bert *  Page 22:  Two "poles".

Oops... damn how did i do that.. and i never catch it.

Quoted from bert *  Page 24 and 25:  The Continuous slugs are distracting and unnecessary.

Told by professionals to do this. on those particular parts

Quoted from bert *  Page 40:  The action scene prior to this page is good.  Quite good.  But Troy's briefcase?  That appears out of nowhere.  And why has he got one anyway? If this is an important detail, you need to set it up beforehand.

Its his brief case of tests from the school. I guess i could lose it.

Quoted from bert *  Page 41: "Badges are flashed."  Nice, quick.  That's how it's supposed to be done.  I just felt like commenting on this.

Thanks for mentioning it!

*  Page 42:  Instead of having the Mime weed through files, why not have the specific file IT needs fly into ITS hands?  (Stop using "his" -- you are cheating).  Troy can still say "he".  That's fine, and you still get your misdirection.[/quote]


Noted! Will think abou this.

Quoted from bert *  Page 44:  That shielding scene deserves a bit more dialogue between Troy and Hartley.  She would most certainly have a few questions.

Will consider this.

Quoted from bert *  Page 48:  I also recall some previous comments about the Rice Crispies line.  I like it just fine.  But capitalize Crispies.  And for the final line from Morez, have him say that "PCR confirms a match" and lose that Washington stuff.  He had plenty of DNA.  Just trust me on this one.

Good deal, but in my next draft it wont be there.  I'm removing stahl's character to strenghten Hartley's and the cliche bad cop.. good cop.

Quoted from bert *  Page 58:  Even though I knew the Mime's identity, I can clearly see that it works.  This is the last time I will point out that "he" and "his" is a blatant cheat on the author's part.

lol,glad it even worked for u and u knew the truth, great! Yes, i do cheat!!

Quoted from bert Alright, now I am about halfway through, and it is time for a broad comment.  This is exciting enough, and interesting sure, but there is also a big problem here.   Nobody has a goal for us to really empathize with.  I suppose Troy needs to prove his innocence, and there is clearly something larger behind that, but this doesn't emerge until quite late in the script.  And even then, we still are not really sure of his obstacles, which should be clear by now.  Mime and Morbid are both still a bit WTF?  And again, we are halfway through.  Something you need to think about.

i will consider this with my revamp on 5th draft.

Quoted from bert *  Page 63:  A seismograph? Isn't that for earthquakes?

right but its used her to montior her brain viberations when psi is used.

Quoted from bert *  Page 73:  I also caught previous comments regarding the definition you had found of "quantum".  Again, trust me, if Hynek is a scientist, he would never use that definition in reference to quantum mechanics.  It is different stuff altogether.  All you need do is start his line at "when" as opposed to "quantum".  Otherwise, you make him sound foolish.  And even then, you are playing a bit loose with the science, yes?  And while I'm at it, there must be some way to trim down that monkey story a bit.

I never say what he is. He just wrote a book. He refers the scientists in monkey theory as egg heads.

Quoted from bert *  You have three separate scenes without sluglines in the middle of page 74.  Weird technique, and not sure I like it.

INTERCUT?

Quoted from bert *  Page 79:  Now you are contradicting yourself with the shielding.  I thought protection from psi was the whole point of that earlier scene in the car.  So why did you bother to show us that? [Note later:  Particularly as it never came back into play.  You should consider paying off this set-up opportunity.]

No stahl isnt shieldin or he couldnt enter his body.... hartley was so she didnt get hld up. And troy vs mime vs morbid.. they cant use psi to direct hurt them... it kinda goes without saying.

Quoted from bert *  The confessional scene was quite good.

Thanks

Quoted from bert *  I was surprised to find myself happy that Stahl was alive.  I didn't think I cared about that character much.  Guess I did.

yea I liked him too... shame i have to remove him....

Quoted from bert *  Page 88:  Umm...how does Hartley get up when tied to a chair?

she isnt time to a chair. I state "Hartley sits on a chair with her hands tied behind her back."

Quoted from bert *  Page 95:  I humbly suggest that you switch the first lines from Sarah and Troy, giving one's dialogue to the other.  Troy apologizes.  Sarah forgives him.  More resonance that way.  What do you think?

yea, im going to really run this through my head afew times and see. Thanks for this suggestion.

But they are both sorry for things and one has to say it.

Quoted from bert Your title, Newton's Cradle, is by far the best title of the three you've had.  In fact, I would say you've found the right one.  It has a nice ring.  Stick to it.  But you must have the professor, or someone, refer to those bouncing balls as Newton's Cradle at some point so the viewer will also understand the connection, not just the reader.

Great suggestion and thanks for voicing this opinion.

Quoted from bert It's too bad you and Phil could not see eye to eye on this.  This would make a good double-feature with "The Burnout".  It is a good script, and your work on this really shows.

true true

Quoted from bert And btw -- have you noticed that your script has cracked this little-noticed board? http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?v-stats/

lol cool... no i never knew about this part of the forums!

Quoted from bert Look at the Top 10 Topics.  This is only the second script-based thread to do that.  The first one is -- well -- never mind.

lol!

Quoted from bert Anyways -- just know that if you reach 200 posts you and me are gonna have a problem, see?  I don't care how buff you are.  I'm still plenty scrappy.

thanks for the read bert.... im kinda glad i posted 2 version since I read yours. So it mad a much better read then b4!

Quoted from sniper This is a nice sci-fi/action flick you’ve written her, a sort of Carrie meets X-Men meets X-Files meets second season of Millennium.

Ha nice way to put it!

Quoted from sniper I liked the opening scene, it really set the tone for the rest of the script. Though I found the scene a little too Predator’ish, you mixed it well with the flying knifes and glowing hands.

u know funny thing is i just watched its like the other day and I was laughed.
I think I unknowning drew that scenario from that movie. Good thing I I have alot of differences with mine!

Quoted from sniper A questing though, why is it necessary to send an entire Seal team when clearly on man (Troy) is enough? Also, I would liked to have known a bit more about his military career. How did he from being a Seal operative to a university teacher/professor.

Govern doesnt know about troy's powers... for the being of him on a seal team.

I had this questions u asked laid out nswered with previous drafts. But soon removed.

Quoted from sniper The death of his wife is a bit sudden and - as a reader - I didn’t really feel the hardship that Troy must’ve gone through.

hardship comes later.. i used for steppin stone toward his depression.

Quoted from sniper I thought the general plot was inventive and often surprising.

Thanks.

What surprises came to you?

Quoted from sniper Some of the elements though were extremely cliche; a mad scientist who is dying, the whole good cop bad cop routine. The plot could use a little trimming I think. It’s not that difficult to follow or anything, but some of it doesn’t really lead anywhere. I’m thinking about the whole McCaine thing, it feels a little like filling.

I'm agree somewhat with you here. I am removing the good cop bad cop cliche in my 5th draft. Which in turn we strengthens hartley's role and change alot of the story in places.

Quoted from sniper You definitely know how to write an action sequence but I think some of the fight scenes could be shortened because I felt they were a bit repetitive which in the end made them a little boring to read. Knife flies here, gun goes there, you know what I mean? Mix it up a bit.

I thought i did for the most part. However I can see where u draw this conclusion. On paper its might seem this way, but visiually the fights are very different. Eah one adds a new piece to it.

Quoted from sniper Some of the flashbacks worked, not all of them. I think you could substitute a couple of them with dialog instead. Sometimes the imagination works better than the eye.

Yea Im going to do some reworking.

Quoted from sniper The dialog was - in my opinion - the weakest part of the script. Some of it seemed forced and staged. You need to have a look at this.

I plan on it!

Quoted from sniper The characters were described pretty good, especially Hynek, he was very well written. A couple of the smaller roles like Duncan and Ley could use a little meat, ‘coz I totally forgot who they were. Also, I think you took the easy way out when you killed those two.

Thanks! in the fifth draft I think Im will lose ley.

Quoted from sniper Morbid quickly became annoying with all his reciting of scripture.

I agree. im going to cut back on some of his rants.

Quoted from sniper Regarding format, the first thing that bothered me was that character name and dialog were sometimes cut in half by page breaks. That a no no. There were very few typos here though.

becuz of file convert. I have answered this in many replies. =\ So I will try and get his converted right so i dont have this problem here on these boards with it.

Quoted from sniper All in all a pleasant and fast read. It just needs a little work. Cheers Rob

Thanks for the review and ur feedback!

Quoted from JD_OK What surprises came to you?

!!!SPOLIERS!!!

- Sarah = The Mime. Never saw that one coming.
- The fact the Stahl is still with the FBI even though he has already beat up a suspect (not Troy, the other one you mention). I find that a little unrealistic. I would think that both through a screening process and Bureau policy that he would have been fired on the spot.

Cheers
Rob

If there was an award for most persistant writer I think you'd win it JD, hands down.  This is your fifth draft, is it?  Personally onto my third (and counting - I'm nipping at your heels) for one of my scripts and have already worn a pathway in my rug from all the pacing I do late at night, racking my brain.

I mean this as a compliment, of course.  I think this illustrates that writing is a process - a never-ending one at that.

Quoted from mgj If there was an award for most persistant writer I think you'd win it JD, hands down.  This is your fifth draft, is it?  Personally onto my third (and counting - I'm nipping at your heels) for one of my scripts and have already worn a pathway in my rug from all the pacing I do late at night, racking my brain. I mean this as a compliment, of course.  I think this illustrates that writing is a process - a never-ending one at that.

Thanks man. I see can understand various others who cant ever think past just makin minor changes. Your have to make major changes for new draft, if not its just a revision.

This was my 4th draft.

I will have my fifth draft done by next week. Major changes will occur in it. New plot twist and downsizing the characters to strengthen others.

I guess this i only partially why, so many replies. Cuz I take the feedback and change thes story enough for other to be able to re read and get a very different feel from last time.

Im still reviewing Black Market and it has made some major changes and it has improved what I have read so far and flowing alot smoother.

Look for to Milo 3rd draft. I actually hold alot of respect for children story. I would like to be able to come up with one to read to my daughter. You have that honor and I dont.  Thanks again!

Hey JD, my apologies for taking a long time. I've been ill recently, so it's been difficult to even get off my sofa. I really have nothing negative to say, but that's probably from my lack of knowledge to the art of screenwriting. I've been writing for a while, but have never had the proper skills to review someone's script fully.

I do know grammar and format, some story elements as well. There were errors that I pointed out, and the format was spot-on as well as your story.

There are veterans on here, who I'm sure will give you negative feedback about the story that I missed. I just felt like this script was one of the greats.

Good luck with the sequel, JD! I'll definately read it. : )

Quoted from Rice Grenades There are veterans on here, who I'm sure will give you negative feedback about the story that I missed. I just felt like this script was one of the greats. Good luck with the sequel, JD! I'll definately read it. : )

Thanks man I appreciate at it!

I'm posting my 5th draft tomorrow. (removed characters, and changes to story)

Now who needs something read for this?

Hell, I'm even tempted to to renegotiate with Doggle for The Burnout.

First of all, it's Dogglebe.

I'll pass.



Phil

Quoted from dogglebe First of all, it's Dogglebe. I'll pass. Phil

If I had offered, just goes to show you're the bigger individual.

It has nothing to do with being the bigger individual, JD.  I didn't like your script the first two times I read it; I have no desire to read it a third time.  And I'm not interested in your opinion of  The Burnout


Phil