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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Newton's Cradle (was Unholy Cry) Moderators: bert
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  Author    Newton's Cradle (was Unholy Cry)  (currently 31230 views)
Gaara
Posted: June 7th, 2007, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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Okay I added some more to my review to try and make it better

Sorry that it seemed like I didn't read it. I admit I am like Zack in the problem that I suck at writing them.  There is a knack to review writing that I have just never had.  It all comes down to the fact that I know what I like but if you ask me why I like it and to back up my reasons for thinking this...I normally have to answer with

"I don't know why, I just do."

Sometimes there is no single or even a real reason why I like things, I just do.  


check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.

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Gaara  -  June 7th, 2007, 7:51pm
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Shelton
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Okay, and the purpose of you writing out scenes from the script is?

And if you say "To prove I read it" I'm going to stick with the theme of the script and telepathically shoot you in the face.


Shelton's Website

Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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JD_OK
Posted: June 14th, 2007, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

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Hey everyone, I just got sometime to post about my trip.

I''ll been working up new draft with comments from here and from the cali event or I woulda have posted sooner.

The Festival - Promises were made that didnt deliver. No Agents or Producers came, no reason given by the festival runner either.

But Ggood news is, got great deal of networking started. Met some independent directors making films in millions, writers who are making sells. Best lead I got wasnt for my Newtons Cradle but for my Xmen script. I met a writer who knows the writer of Xmen 3 and will get my in contact with him regarding my xmen 4 script.

Update more soon! gotta run!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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dresseme
Posted: June 18th, 2007, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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Ok, so I just finished the script.  I took notes up until p. 51 then stopped because I didn't really have any major problems after that.

Overall, it's a good story with LOTS of action, but it still needs work, mainly in the area of dialogue.  Too much of it came off as cheesy for me, and I made notes of specific times when that happened.  I just think you really need to go back and re-evaluate what all of your characters are saying.

One thing that stuck out to me was the 100 Monkeys Experiment.  I understand the story, but I think you might need a better one for the script.  The results of that experiment don't seem all that monumental.

But like I said, it WAS an interesting read, and I think it'd make for a good action flick.  Here are some of my more detailed notes as I read along:

p. 2- How does a knife stick into a gun?

p. 3- Would they really call him "Kneddric" over the air?

p.4- the second line for Morbid comes off as more cheesy than anything, the first was much better (I actually think it might be better if maybe he said his lines in Russian, and then maybe starts speaking in English)

p.7- Does the preacher need to say "in the bible"?  couldn't he just say "John, Chapter 12, says..."

p.13 Hill seems like a cheap Black stereotype.  Might want to lose him.

I think we need more of a description of The Mime.  It sounds pretty cool, but I just can't get a good enough visual.

p.18- Daniels wouldn't know what telekinesis is?  I think you need to revise that line.

I don't know if I'm really sold on Morbid's manner of Bibilical speech.  Perhaps, like I said, earlier, if maybe he said that stuff in Russian it would have more impact, but right now it's not doing it for me.

Zahn and Troy's meeting seems short.  All I could think was "They went through all of that to bring him in for about 3 questions?"

The scene between Johna and Troy seemed to over-dramatic.  She doesn't need to keep mentioning the alcohol, we get it.  I think the scene could be done in a more subtle fashion

p. 47-  Would this really be the time Troy figures out this guy has the power?

p.50- Don't need "emotionally"

p.51- Troy passes out from a tazer?
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Kamran Nikhad
Posted: June 18th, 2007, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JD_OK
Hey everyone, I just got sometime to post about my trip.

I''ll been working up new draft with comments from here and from the cali event or I woulda have posted sooner.

The Festival - Promises were made that didnt deliver. No Agents or Producers came, no reason given by the festival runner either.

But Ggood news is, got great deal of networking started. Met some independent directors making films in millions, writers who are making sells. Best lead I got wasnt for my Newtons Cradle but for my Xmen script. I met a writer who knows the writer of Xmen 3 and will get my in contact with him regarding my xmen 4 script.

Update more soon! gotta run!



That's great news bud, good luck with that, and sorry to hear it didn't go completely well, but hey, at least it had its' benefits, right?

Looking forward to the next draft.


Nolan The Security Guard - Short/Comedy 1st Draft, 12 pages.pdf
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JD_OK
Posted: June 19th, 2007, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dresseme

Overall, it's a good story with LOTS of action, but it still needs work, mainly in the area of dialogue.  Too much of it came off as cheesy for me, and I made notes of specific times when that happened.  I just think you really need to go back and re-evaluate what all of your characters are saying.


I agree. I'm going to work on this

Quoted from dresseme

One thing that stuck out to me was the 100 Monkeys Experiment.  I understand the story, but I think you might need a better one for the script.  The results of that experiment don't seem all that monumental.


Its not meant to be. Its a metaphor for human race based on a actual experiemnt. That humans can be talent new behavior, if some one was to show them how.

Quoted from dresseme

But like I said, it WAS an interesting read, and I think it'd make for a good action flick.  Here are some of my more detailed notes as I read along:


Thanks for finally reading my friend!

Quoted from dresseme

p. 2- How does a knife stick into a gun?
rifles often had wood grips

Quoted from dresseme

p. 3- Would they really call him "Kneddric" over the air?[quote]

He is speaking out loud. Not into radio
[quote=dresseme]
p.4- the second line for Morbid comes off as more cheesy than anything, the first was much better (I actually think it might be better if maybe he said his lines in Russian, and then maybe starts speaking in English)


Yea, already did this in new draft. Excellent suggestion tho


Quoted from dresseme

I think we need more of a description of The Mime.  It sounds pretty cool, but I just can't get a good enough visual.


noted.


Quoted from dresseme


I don't know if I'm really sold on Morbid's manner of Bibilical speech.  Perhaps, like I said, earlier, if maybe he said that stuff in Russian it would have more impact, but right now it's not doing it for me.


Yea, im switchin alot of his dialog into russian at parts

Quoted from dresseme

Zahn and Troy's meeting seems short.  All I could think was "They went through all of that to bring him in for about 3 questions?"


Part of Zahns setup. He knows Troy didnt do it, so it puts things together to make up the evidence

Quoted from dresseme

The scene between Johna and Troy seemed to over-dramatic.  She doesn't need to keep mentioning the alcohol, we get it.  I think the scene could be done in a more subtle fashion


Yes with the new draft I would redoin that scene. Becuz new beginning willl have more of Johna in it

Quoted from dresseme

p. 47-  Would this really be the time Troy figures out this guy has the power?


He is refering to the light around her body


BIG K- Thanks man! SHould be up by next week



Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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JD_OK
Posted: June 29th, 2007, 12:06am Report to Moderator
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6th draft posted. Thx for the feedback. I implemented alot from the reviewers. Add 8 pages, added new scenes to the beginning. Added more to dramatic scenes. Tried slowing the pace in places.

*********UPDATE********

http://www.soundheritageproduction.com/Home_Page.html

Made 3rd round on this contest I entered way back at the end of march. As you will notice alot of the placer are big guns that are floating around placing high in other contest. You can see on http://www.moviebytes.com/ws/index.cfm

I dont have any real expectations of winnning,  it was 2 drafts ago script. Just posted the info for others to aspire to.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



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JD_OK  -  June 29th, 2007, 1:03pm
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Seth
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Hey JD,

I worked my way through the first twenty pages. At this point, I have to say, I like this draft, so far, better than I did the previous one I read. Still, I miss the opening in the church.

I jotted down a  few comments as I read...

Page 1

The knife strikes... Strikes means to hit. Pierce might be more appropriate given that the knife penetrates, passing through two throats before it finally embeds itself in the wood of a rifle.

PAGE 4

Do Troy's guns, literally, fly to the ground, or do they simply drop? After flying to the ground, they quickly fly back into Troy's hands. Lots of flying about, perhaps too much.

Morbid's hands open and the bullets hit Troy's guns. This could be more descriptive. Do the bullets shoot, so to speak, from his hands? If so, consider describing it.

PAGE 5

A ceramic tile hangs on the wall of two small hands. This is awkward. Maybe try, A ceramic tile, of two small hands, hangs on a wall.

PAGE 6

Apartment store should be Department - typo.

Non Sense should be  Nonsense - typo

PAGE 7

Johna's smile drops and turns to Sarah. Maybe try, Johna's smile drops. She turns to Sarah. Or, Johna, smile dropping, turns to Sarah.

There are a few dropped commas. For examle, I love you(,) okay?

PAGE 9

Not sure I like how the last couple of scenes played out. First a near miss, then a hit. Thinking about it, I think the scenes would work better, would have more of a dramatic impact if the hit occured more quickly after the miss.

First the miss. The two, Johna and Sarah, have just enough time to exhale a sigh of relief, believing themselves safe, then HIT!  

PAGE 10

Johna is given an age (41). She's already, on page six, been described as being 42. Does the scene on page ten take place in the past ... or is this just a typo? I'm guessing typo.

Morbid kneels at an altar as sounds of something struggling near by. This makes little sense. I understand, given the context, what you're going for. Still, you should rewrite this.

A blind fold covers his eyes and (there is) duct tape around his mouth.

Does Marc's mouth tear away, or just the tape that was fixed to his mouth? Might want to correct this.

PAGE 12

Does Troy not save Johna because he doesn't want to abuse his powers?

PAGE 13

Troy straightens his composure ... maybe try, Troy composes himself, pulls out a flask.

Troy, drunkenly, walks ... He's just been booted from a bar. That said, drop the adverb, we know he's drunk.

PAGE 15

I think Pia, in a previous post, commented that you chould change the name listed on the slug line from QUANTUM MECHANICS to something, anything, else. I agree.  

PAGE 16

...toward the surveillance (camera).

Minor nit -- sometimes you write toward and sometimes towards. Pick one. Keep it consistent.

PAGE 18

The powers have been employed so many times that when the Mime, finally, is seen, it lacks drama.

I'll finish up tomorrow.

Seth



Scripts

Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD



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Seth  -  June 29th, 2007, 4:32pm
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JD_OK
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Quoted from Seth
Hey JD,

Does Troy not save Johna because he doesn't want to abuse his powers?



pg 5 and  14
MORBID (O.C.)
Anyone who abuses the power without consent will meet their fate."

Great suggestions so far (already made some changes u suggested), I actually just noticed I had uploaded my 6th draft version without typo corrections,but u did pick up afew I need to change. With that say I uploaded most up to date, so please just reload the pdf ( will read 100pg) instead of 99


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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Seth
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Hey JD,

Having finished the script, and given it some thought, I've concluded that, imo, there are really only two problems that need to be addressed. 1) Your misuse of the term quantum theory, twisting it in an attempt to make it fit your story. While few understand quantum mecahics, enough people, lay people, will know that you're misapplying the term. Doing so will, no doubt, take them out of the story. That said, I think you need to find a more obscure science to exploit.

2) The monkey thing.  I don't get it. I don't see the conection between the monkeys, their behaviour, and quantum theory.  

You've got an interesting, well paced story -- minus the monkey talk -- one that I'd love to see on the big screen.

A few notes as I went along:  

PAGE 28 cases should be case .... Haha, I was tring to figure out what a 'water stair cases' was.

PAGE 33

'Breaking and enter' should be 'breaking and entering'

PAGE 37

No more death ... an effective line serving to explain Troy's willingness, at this point, to use the powers.

PAGE 42

I wonder if it might benefit the story to explain,  briefly, the mechaincs behind shielding?

PAGE 53

I'm not sure you're using 'summons' correctly -- The gun summons to the mime. Maybe, the mime summons the gun?

PAGE 54

(a) SWAT VAN ...back to the word summons. You might want to use different words... Summons is used so often that it gets kind of boring reading it.

PAGE 60

Seismograph ... this should be removed...Go with EEG.The EEG, according to Wikipedia, "is capable of detecting changes in electrical activity in the brain..."

PAGE 64

I like the gruff way Hynek salks, but I doubt he'd use double neagtives. Might want to remove those.

PAGE 66

Hynek lights more cigarettes. How many? I suspect just one. If this is so, rewrite the sentence.

PAGE 67

Seprated of ... should be by.

Hynek says, "Quantum theory baby!" What? I don't get it. I don't see the conection between the monkeys, their behaviour, and quantum theory.  

PAGE 70

With respect to quantum theory, quantum does not mean 'large amount'. Taking the term and twisting it as you've done only serves to take the reader of the story. You've got to find a different angle.

PAGE 79

Dr. Zahn set the robbery at the bar. Nice.





Scripts

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Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


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JD_OK
Posted: July 1st, 2007, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Seth
Hey JD,

Having finished the script, and given it some thought, I've concluded that, imo, there are really only two problems that need to be addressed. 1) Your misuse of the term quantum theory, twisting it in an attempt to make it fit your story. While few understand quantum mecahics, enough people, lay people, will know that you're misapplying the term. Doing so will, no doubt, take them out of the story. That said, I think you need to find a more obscure science to exploit.


I think u are misunderstanding. Quantum theory that Im using, is the Large Amount/Enough theory, not Quantum mechanics on which ur thinkin of.

I clearly explain my use of quantum means and that theory ( which is a real theory, proven)


Quoted from Seth

2) The monkey thing.  I don't get it. I don't see the connection between the monkeys, their behaviour, and quantum theory.  


I dunno, it I explain it as simple as it gets. When Enough of a species believe, see and conceive a thing. it becomes a group consciousness thing. Think of it as evolution, everything adepts to the environment, when a change is needed the whole colony takes on the new characteristics of a change.

In the case with the monkey (u can google the experiment, 100th monkey)

This is a metaphor to show if one enlightened person was to show the human race of what they are all capable of, they too could use do extraordinary things.

It based on knowledge. Think of the WRIGHT brothers, b4 they came along MAn believed if they were meant to fly the they would have wings.

They showed the world by building the 1st plane/engines that man can fly. Which they teaches, we now have jets and space ships. They changed the world.

Quoted from Seth

You've got an interesting, well paced story -- minus the monkey talk -- one that I'd love to see on the big screen.


Thanks, but i fairly think the monkey story is one of most interesting parts of it.




Quoted from Seth

PAGE 37

No more death ... an effective line serving to explain Troy's willingness, at this point, to use the powers.


Thank u for noticing!




Quoted from Seth

PAGE 60

Seismograph ... this should be removed...Go with EEG.The EEG, according to Wikipedia, "is capable of detecting changes in electrical activity in the brain..."


Nice tip  

Quoted from Seth

PAGE 64

I like the gruff way Hynek salks, but I doubt he'd use double neagtives. Might want to remove those.


its part of his character,thx!


Quoted from Seth

Hynek says, "Quantum theory baby!" What? I don't get it. I don't see the conection between the monkeys, their behaviour, and quantum theory.  


explained above

Quoted from Seth

PAGE 70

With respect to quantum theory, quantum does not mean 'large amount'. Taking the term and twisting it as you've done only serves to take the reader of the story. You've got to find a different angle.


Yes it does. http://www.webster.com/dictionary/quantum

adjective form

Thanks for the read mate and ur good feedback! I'll be lookin out for more stuff from ya!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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Kamran Nikhad
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I gotta tell you, this draft, if anything else, shows you more then before so far, and the extra scenes you've been adding so far have been outstanding bud.  This is all I have to say so far:

PG 7

SARAH
Hell yeah!  Thanks!

I don't know if this has been mentioned yet, but that seemed to be a bit of an inappropriate response to her mother telling her she'd pay for her pedicure, lol.  I think enthusiasm was on the money, but to her mother, saying "hell yeah", doesn't suit well.

PG 10

The new scene with Sarah and Johna seemed to work well.  It showed how good their relationship was, and how Sarah, although Johna's opposed to it, does seem to still care about her dad.

But my issue with the scene that Troy enters in seems to be a bit too short, like her death comes sudden, which is fine, but so far, it's like we're cut off before Troy can really react.

PG 11

Now this new scene with Morbid takes the cake so far.  His lines are getting much better from each update I've seen.  

Morbid leans towards Marc's ear.

MORBID
I was reborn.

After all of Morbid's amazing and sofisticated dialogue in previous drafts, this goes without a doubt as my favorite Morbid qoute, just wanted to get that out, lol.

I strongly urge you to keep this new scene, there's much more depth to Morbid now, and him speaking about the origins of himself and Arkon was simply flawless.  And seeing Marc being...'reborn' like Morbid, his new mentality, his now fearless state, shows you both that Morbid was the same way, and it also shows you how much power Morbid has.

I'll post the rest of my thoughts when I finish up, which shouldn't be too long from now, but great work so far.  And as far as the first 30 pages go, this new draft is certainly more improved and fun to read then the previous draft.  Keep it up bud.  


Nolan The Security Guard - Short/Comedy 1st Draft, 12 pages.pdf
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JD_OK
Posted: July 8th, 2007, 3:51am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Kamran Nikhad
I gotta tell you, this draft, if anything else, shows you more then before so far, and the extra scenes you've been adding so far have been outstanding bud.  This is all I have to say so far:

PG 7

SARAH
Hell yeah!  Thanks!

I don't know if this has been mentioned yet, but that seemed to be a bit of an inappropriate response to her mother telling her she'd pay for her pedicure, lol.  I think enthusiasm was on the money, but to her mother, saying "hell yeah", doesn't suit well.


Thanks for ur input here. Any suggestion on what might be said? I'm for real its hard to gage what a female might sure to this state from her mother, so what whatever u might suggest is welcome to replace this line!

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

PG 10

The new scene with Sarah and Johna seemed to work well.  It showed how good their relationship was, and how Sarah, although Johna's opposed to it, does seem to still care about her dad.


Great, That is what I was shooting for, short and sweet. to get across what was needed to express this and "slow" down the pace a minute.

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

But my issue with the scene that Troy enters in seems to be a bit too short, like her death comes sudden, which is fine, but so far, it's like we're cut off before Troy can really react.

any suggestions to improve?


Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

PG 11

Now this new scene with Morbid takes the cake so far.  His lines are getting much better from each update I've seen.  

Morbid leans towards Marc's ear.

MORBID
I was reborn.

After all of Morbid's amazing and sofisticated dialogue in previous drafts, this goes without a doubt as my favorite Morbid qoute, just wanted to get that out, lol.


Thanks, this was just added becuz of feedback, gettin alil more depth and back story between him and arkon without going into too much detail. I'm glad it acme across smooth for u.

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

I strongly urge you to keep this new scene, there's much more depth to Morbid now, and him speaking about the origins of himself and Arkon was simply flawless.  And seeing Marc being...'reborn' like Morbid, his new mentality, his now fearless state, shows you both that Morbid was the same way, and it also shows you how much power Morbid has.


definitely! I added the new scene to strengthen and add more to the characters and story. I have not intent on removing  but only improving these new scenes

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

I'll post the rest of my thoughts when I finish up, which shouldn't be too long from now, but great work so far.  And as far as the first 30 pages go, this new draft is certainly more improved and fun to read then the previous draft.  Keep it up bud.  


Thank! but please dont waste ur time, only new stuff is after the 1st 30 pages is with sarah and troy pg 68 and addrf hartley character change at the end with director (that I remember)

I appreciate ur feedback!!! When r u gonna send me 1st draft?!!?!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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Kamran Nikhad
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Quoted from JD_OK


Thanks for ur input here. Any suggestion on what might be said? I'm for real its hard to gage what a female might sure to this state from her mother, so what whatever u might suggest is welcome to replace this line!


Great, That is what I was shooting for, short and sweet. to get across what was needed to express this and "slow" down the pace a minute.

any suggestions to improve?



Thanks, this was just added becuz of feedback, gettin alil more depth and back story between him and arkon without going into too much detail. I'm glad it acme across smooth for u.


definitely! I added the new scene to strengthen and add more to the characters and story. I have not intent on removing  but only improving these new scenes


Thank! but please dont waste ur time, only new stuff is after the 1st 30 pages is with sarah and troy pg 68 and addrf hartley character change at the end with director (that I remember)

I appreciate ur feedback!!! When r u gonna send me 1st draft?!!?!


*sigh* plans have changed.  I've spent the past four months reviewing the entire plot over and over, on paper, in my head, the whole bit, and in the end, there are simply WAAAY too many issues coming up, I have to rewrite the ENTIRE thing now, changing the plot all together, keeping some aspects the same, but most of it is getting scrapped, because it's a trilogy, and seeing so many differences within the second over the first and third just doesn't work, so I'll be fixing up the first draft sometime within the next few months or so.

As for NC, regardless of major and minor changes, it's no problem, like I've said, it's always entertaining to read.  I'll just note the changes you mentioned and call it a day.  

EDIT:  Oh, and as for how to change those two scenes, well, for the daughter, I think maybe just, "Awesome, thanks a lot Mom," or, "All right, thanks Mom."

And with Troy, I think maybe just showing Troy react after saying I can't, I'm not too sure sorry.


Nolan The Security Guard - Short/Comedy 1st Draft, 12 pages.pdf

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Kamran Nikhad  -  July 10th, 2007, 11:28pm
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aurorawriter
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Hey JD,

Here's my review of the script through page 50.  I'll get the rest posted as soon as I can -- maybe even today...

p. 2  Blood and smoke spews from his neck.  Should be spew.

p. 2  ‘forth’ should be ‘fourth’

p. 3  ‘His head collapses’ – I’m not sure what this means.  Does he collapse?  Or does his head fall off?  Or does he just drop his head onto the table?  Be careful of non-specific descriptions like this.  Something like this puts a question into the reader’s head, when what should be there is a picture.

p. 4 you don’t need an apostrophe after the word “passeth” in Morbid’s dialogue.

p. 5  You’re saying “Present” in your slugline, but you never said that the previous scenes were in the past.  You probably want to have some kind of super or something saying “Five Years Ago” or “Troy’s Dream” or whatever.  It’s really unclear what’s happening there.

p. 5-6  I’d recommend spicing up your character descriptions.  You really are allowed to take some liberties as long as it’s the first time you introduce the character.  Tell us what these people are like.

p. 6  whatever is one word, not two; also ‘dad’ should be capitalized in Sarah’s dialogue.

p. 8-9 Johna’s dialogue.  “all the things that has happened” should be “have happened”  Also, “semi honks its’ horn” no apostrophe needed after its, or after shoulda (I’m noticing a lot of these misplaced apostrophes)  Also, I would rethink having them just barely avoid one semi only to be hit by another.  The chances of that are so small – and it’s been done before.  Just have them get hit by the first one.

p. 9  Troy’s dialogue, “to fast” should be “too fast”

p. 10  You’re missing a word here: “There sounds of someone whimpering” should be “There are sounds”

p. 13  I would stay away from names like Gangster One, Two and Three.  Give us something more interesting.  Call them Mean, Meaner and Meanest.  Or give us something that makes them seem like characters, and not cardboard cutouts.

p. 19  The Mime shoulder should be The Mime’s shoulder

p. 20  I’m stopping here to say that here we are, on page 20, and it’s not clear to me what the story’s about.  I’m guessing that Troy is your protagonist, but I don’t have a clear idea of anything at this point.  For a 99 page script, that shouldn’t be the case.

p. 20 be sure to keep your sluglines consistent.  You’ve got Quantum Mechanics – Security Room, and just Security Room.  They should all be the same.

p. 21  Is this university scene in Troy’s classroom still 3 years ahead?  With so many jumps in time, you need to be super-conscious of making it easy to follow your script.

p. 24  plexy glass should be plexiglass.  It’s one word.

p. 27 man made should be hyphenated

p. 30  Okay, so now I’m beginning to get an idea of the story.  I think this needs to happen earlier, though, and you need to really think about what needs to be in the set-up.  As it is, it’s very sprawling, you’ve got a lot of characters (too many for a reader to really keep track of) and I think the set-up lacks focus.

p. 32  I think your action could be more efficiently written.  Here’s an example:  “Hartley comes out as Troy enters a cab.  She gets a good look at the cab number and writes down the information.”  That’s 22 words.  All of the pertinent information could be conveyed like this: “Troy hails a taxi.  Hartley watches, jots down the cab’s number.”  11 words, and yet it conveys the exact same information.  Always be aiming for more white space.

p. 34  Hartley’s dialogue: “Don’t get my wrong” should be “me wrong”

p. 41  “He’s one cracked out mime.”  Something about this dialogue just doesn’t ring true.  Kent may be a tough guy, but somehow the fact that The Mime stapled his arms to the chair with knives makes it difficult for me to believe he’d be so casual about it.

p. 43, no apostrophe needed at the end of anywho

p. 46 Morbid lays a hand the file – you’re missing a word here

p. 47-48 This dialogue between Johna and Troy seems a little forced.  I think the problem is that they’re saying exactly what they mean.  There’s no subtext.  Most people, when they argue, don’t say what they mean.

p. 50 “As he walks, her cell phone summons to him.”  Either he summons the phone, or it flies to him.  The sentence is confusing.  I’ve noticed quite a few instances – you’ve got a very complicated story here.  I’m sure that it’s easy to follow for you, because you MADE it.  But don’t let your knowledge of your story get in the way of conveying it clearly to the reader.

And that brings me to this: we’re on page 50.  I’m still not sure what the story is about, really.  I know Troy’s the protagonist, but what does he want?  It’s not at all clear to me.  Maybe he wants Johna back?  Maybe he wants to catch the Mime?  Maybe he is the Mime!  Maybe he wants to get rid of his powers?  I don’t know, and that’s a problem.  I get the impression that you’re holding back here, trying to keep some things secret.  Secrets are fine – good, even – but too many of them can render a script confusing.


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