Awe, man, you killed Martin. That sucks, he lost Janelle and he's dead Double whammy. By the way, that dialogue between those two when they stepped out for a smoke was great. I've been there before when a woman insists "we aren't like that" and "we can be friends" after giving you a kiss. Judging from the way she was uneasy afterward had me thinking had they lived maybe the would have finally gotten together. Nice guys never get the beautiful girl, they say he's just a friend.

Overall, like many others before me stated, you've written a great story. I really enjoyed it.

~Brandon~

Hey Led, sorry for the late response…this is in response to your 2nd post.

Yeah, this has been on the boards for awhile now.  Thanks for the compliment.  I do my part as well to keep interest in it.

I’ve gotten a ton of great feedback from all sorts of different mindsets, so it’s really helped me get an idea of what works and what doesn’t for everyone.  Your opinion is always welcome here, bud.

Thanks!  Much appreciated.  Yes, I did enjoy writing it.  It was my first, so that always holds a special place.  Glad you felt it was worth your time.  That’s what we’re all after.
Thanks again, Led!

Hey Brandon, thanks for the read!  Glad you enjoyed it.

Cool that you could relate to the Martin/Janelle situation.  I really like them both and I think their chemistry togther is pretty cool.

I think you may be right...if they had survived, I bet they would have had a shot together.  But...no go.  Thye didn't quite make it out alive.

Thanks again, man...much appreciated.

Dreamscale,

I wont throw out any comments, you got enough.  Everything seems to be covered.

Enjoyed the read.

Fade to white... interesting.



Good luck

Ghostwriter 22

Hey ghost, thanks for the read.  Glad you enjoyed it.

Nothing at all to throw out? Things you liked? Things you didn't like?  Every bit of info helps and coming from various people makes every bit of info that much more important.

Let me know.  Late.  

Jeff,

I'll type as I go then summarise.

I like the start, lots of good images and descriptions.

Quoted from FTW He twirls around, startled

I was a bit lost here as it took me a minute to realise 'he was in fact Lloyd, not Tobias, even though Tobias had just spoken.

You didn't hang about. The crimson flows before we're half way down page 2.

Quoted from FTW short handled AX,

I googled this thinking it was a certain type, what's one of them of is it just missing the 'e'?

Well, you've set the tone by the end of page 2. You're handy enough with the descriptions. So far I've a clear idea of what's going on, just not why but that'll keep me going.

I recall some comments about the electric and the foot business. It could be a bit clearer but I follow. The way it reads at the mo is Cyndi got out of the water, then seemed to put her foot back in.

Quoted from FTW Cyndi hoists herself up and out of the pool.

If it read something like "Cyndi climbs the steps to get out of the pool" then she'll be still in the pool by the time she gets boom-boxed.

You've gone for broke on page four. I'd say that scene needs a little more intro, anything, a smashed window pane or an open door or something.

Quoted from FTW There's a shudder, as the plane hits some wind

That line rang as a bit strange. Turbulence would sound more effective.  Ah, the captain says that anyway a few lines later. Wind sounds too weak though.

Danny and Carlie. I saw in previous comments they seem to be a bone of contention. I don't like them. I don't hate them yet. But you're on a fine line. Most people want to watch somebody entertaining. Telly and films are fully of really annoying characters. I wonder how these will fare.

Quoted from FTW ROSIE (CONT'D) I know it's none of my business, but I think you'd make wonderful parents. I can just tell.

Bloodbath to Falcon Crest. Sorry about this but all this plane stuff is coming over like one of those 70's disaster movies, and they sucked.

Quoted from FTW DANNY Well, you're both right. We're a lovely couple and we do love to ski.

?? WTF.?!*&} Fandango. That's about all I can say. It's all very weird. The writing is good. I can see the scenes clearly in my head.
Before starting I imagined you wrote an Evil Dead type all out horror fest. But, you've gone from one extreme to another. It's like you're trying to antagonise or alienate the reader.

The whole scene on the plane was way weaker than what went before. A bit of turbulence, a kid and a cute couple. I know you're giving the reader / audience a breather but it could do with something else to pep it up. A sinister character or something that later turns out to be the opposite, For those who don't like that scene at least they'd have something else to attract or concern them.

Quoted from FTW CARLIE What's in the bag, Hun?

Pet peeve of mine. 'Hun' aways look like slang for Nazi to me. I prefer Hon.

Quoted from FTW OK there Klutzo, easy now...no falling until we get on the slopes tomorrow.

Made me smile. A few more lines like that would have made the previous scene a whole lot better.

Quoted from FTW

Onto page 11 now and they're still at it. This all might work out better on the screen but it sure as hell ain't sitting well with me. I didn't mind the horror bits, they read well but this sweetie stuff is boring me rigid.

It got a lot more interesting when we got to the bar. Only thing is I got the two sweeties and five or so more characters now. It's hard keeping who's who. Anyways I'll leave it at that point for now. I'll get back to it soon and let you know. It's good so far, just those two pissed me off a bit.

Dreamscale,

I finished it last week but read it again, the other day.

Twists and turns are good.  One or two is perfect.  I think that's all most scripts really do need, but too many can make things confusing.

Your first ten pages had me hooked.  I didn't like the fact that you killed the little boy off.  I never kill any kids in my scripts, but I understand why you did it.  Just my personal thought.

After that, your script did drag up to about page 50.  I thought the bar scene was a little too long, but I didn't mind.  Some scripts require a slow built-up.  It's your script and under 120 pages. Could some of it be cutout, of course, OR EVEN BETTER YET...

Another kill scene before page 55 would have been GOLDEN.

But, like I said, you had me hooked, and I figured if your going to torture us like this, then surely you had to make it payoff, and you did.

Your dialogue for the most part was good.  I scratched my head several times at all the acronym's used.  Personally, I wouldn't use that many in one of my scripts but too each his or her own.

David and Carlie's characters, I did like, believe it or not.

Anyway,

That's it.

Ghostwriter22

  

Thanks, ghost… that’s awesome that you read it twice.  Totally appreciate it.  Did you get anything different out of the 2nd read?  I find the more I read it (at this point, I know it inside out, but awhile back), the more things pop out…small, subtle things, but interesting things all the same.

Glad you liked the twists and turns.  I definitely tried to include a bunch.  Are you saying you think there are too many?  Which one or two do you think are perfect (or the best)?

I wanted to start things off with a bang, for sure.  Most do not like Joey getting killed, and I can understand why.  I wanted to make it known early on that no one was safe and nothing was sacred.

Most agree with you about the slow build up and long bar scene.  I wanted this to have a somewhat unique flow, and I feel that the dragging of pages 6-40 or so, really create a feel that makes the big surprise hit even harder.

I did have some ideas for an additional kill, during the bar scene, but decided against it, as it drew some attention and possibly let the cat out of the bag too early…so I nixed it.

Exactly my thoughts!  Like Wolf Creek, and even Rogue, I did want to drag my audience along, and hit them hard, when I chose to strike.  I definitely didn’t want to torture anyone, but I see what you’re saying and it was my intention to do it that way.  Glad the payoff was worth it for you.  I think that’s always what counts.

What acronyms are you referring to?  I didn’t realize there were a lot.  In acronym, you mean abbreviations and the like?

Cool!  Glad you like Danny and Carlie.  I like them as well.  Were you routing for or against them, once you knew the real truth?

Do you have anything you want me to read of yours?  Let me know and I’ll give it a look.

Thanks again for your feedback. It always helps.

Thanks for getting started, Rendevous.  Totally appreciate it.

Thanks, glad the intro worked for you.  I definitely always try to write cinematically and visually.

The deal with “He twirls around…” has to be Lloyd, because Tobias hasn’t been intro’d yet, as he only spoke (OS).

Yeah, the blood starts spilling early.  It’s just an intro, and a sign of things to come.

“Ax” is one of those words with multiple spellings.  “Ax” and “Axe” are the same thing.

Cyndi was literally getting out of the water at the same instant the electricity hits…her foot was still in there.  I understand what you’re saying here though, and you are not alone.

Not sure what you mean exactly about page 4.  It’s an INT scene in Joey’s room, so there’s no intro to what’s about to happen. It hits hard and fast.

Yeah, turbulence works as well…maybe better.  Good catch.  I’ll change it, I think.

I still don’t understand why people think D & C are annoying or irritating.  I really like them.  I think they’re a cool, cute, goofy, funny, loving couple.  They are not meant to be annoying at all, but you are not alone in your thoughts here, either.

Yep, another point no one seems to like…Rosie and her commentary.  Rosie was much more fleshed out in early drafts.  She’s down to this now, but I like it actually.  I think it would come off better onscreen than everyone thinks.  It’s not supposed to seem like Falcon Crest or a 70’s disaster movie.  Hope it gets better for you as you continue.

Just another quirk in Danny’s personality.  Again, I really think this will play out better than it may read.  It all comes down to how you’re reading it, and envisioning it in your head.  As I see it, it comes across as rather funny.

Funny comment here…in a way, you are correct.  I’m not trying to antagonize the reader, but I’m definitely leading them along at my own pace, and I can see how some may be antagonized or just a bit restless, waiting for something to happen. A lot like Wolf Creek and Rogue, actually.

I’m of the mindset that movies/scripts don’t have to be one strong scene after another.  I liken it to a roller coaster ride.  For every bigass hill you get to fly down, you have to slowly climb a hill as well.  You’re going to find a number of scenes that you may find dull, slow, or not all the exciting.  I won’t comment on the plane scene at this time…we’ll see what you think when you’re all done.  But, the plane scene is obviously a character intro scene, so we get to know who Danny and Carlie are, as people.  You may not relate to them or like them yet, but they’re supposed to be real people, who act and sound like real people…and you’re supposed to like them, fear for them, and route for them.

You will find many, many more instances of “Hun”.  Earlier drafts had it littered throughout, but it’s been toned down a bit.  I had a dilemma early on, as to how to spell “hun”.  I chose this way because your way wasn’t clear exactly as to what the word was supposed to be.

Cool, there are a number of lines of dialogue between them that are mean to make you smile.  It seems alot of them aren’t being caught, or aren’t considered funny or cute by most.  Hope you find more you like!

It’s gonna go this way for a lot longer than page 11, sorry to say.  As I have said repeatedly, I honestly do think this will all play out much better oncscreen. I really do.  Guess you’ll just have to either trust me on that, or be bored stiff for awhile.

There are a lot of characters intro’d together.  With visuals, you’d easily be able to tell them apart.  I think you’ll be able to in the read as well, as they really all have their own voices and mannerisms.  We’ll see what you think.  Hopefully, Danny and Carlie won’t continue to piss you off.

Thanks again, man.  Hope you like the rest of it.

Later.

I see you've a fan at last for D&C. That's probably why I'm not so hooked yet, audience needs someone to follow and empathise with.

I noticed your address on the title page. I wouldn't post personal stuff on internet scripts. Folks can always join and PM writers. An email address is fair enough but more than that I wouldn't add.

I'm sure you've had the odd typo pointed out to you, but this one seemed a bit strange to me. You say "alot" instead of "a lot". Did I miss something?

Now, the characters in the bar and the story. I'm having trouble finding a character I like. Not sure where all this dialogue is going apart from to distract. I can get with that. Seems a lot though for the sake of it.

When I flicked through the comments I saw a few about the length of the bar scene. I have to agree. We faded to white about page 11 or so. I'm on page 26 now and it's still going. I lost most of my interest about page 20. Even if they speeded this up you're asking them to film fifteen minutes of folks chatting in a bar near the start of a movie. They aren't talking about anything relevant to the plot so far and they aren't saying anything that witty. They're telling stories and enjoying themselves. Fair enough. But if I was in this bar I wouldn't be too keen on listening to them.

There's stacks of US movies that have a load of pretty people yapping for ages about how great they are and blowing kisses to themselves in the mirror.  Maybe that's why the crowds against you with this couple.

You'll lose the interest of a load of people by this point. It's a shame as this script started off well.

IMH you could have exactly the same effect on plot and characters in way less than than half of the pages taken at present. 21 pages or thereabouts. Half way down p32 before we leave. I'll join the crowd in requesting you consider shortening all that.

I'll clarify, there's some fun in there and a few good lines. Women talking breast jobs to a doc isn't something recall seeing before. My interest perked up at that point.

Look at this way. If you did cut those twenty odd pages down to just a couple of pages that really read well and flew by, would anyone, and I mean anyone, tell you to lengthen it? I doubt it very much.

P. 35. At last, a bit of action.

Quoted from FTW Carlie holds the hand strap...they start to spin. Danny does his best to keep the car on the road. The wheel turns left and right in his hands.

Quoted from FTW The Jeep is definitely in trouble, heading towards the

I think you could have phrased these better.

A word about slugs. I forgot what time of day it was a few times. After a Fade to White again I wondered. Is it night or day now? You've got stacks of laters and continueds but only the very occasional Night or Day.

An example on page 36.

Quoted from FTW FADE TO WHITE: INT. ESCALADE - LATER

Okay, so it's later but is it still night or dawn or day or what?

I've been warned against using Moments or Minutes later too, I'd say that was a good warning.

Quoted from FTW The Jeep's wheels catch, it lurches

Catch what, road, rock, a grip?

Quoted from FTW NICOLE (slurring) I call it Karma, what comes around, goes around...and I'll tell ya why. You were cool to us, we're cool to you. Everything's cool. CARLIE Right on you guys.

A prime example of why I dislike these people. Anybody that talks like that who isn't in Top Gun needs a slap. Sorry, had a beer now.

Quoted from FTW LISA If your cell doesn't work inside, you can just use the house phone to call AAA, or whoever you need to. 37. CARLIE Awesome. Thanks so much you guys. You're really lifesavers....like my favorite flavor...buttered rum. Carlie giggles. Megan does as well. MEGAN Carlie, you're really funny. You've got a cute way about you.

Last time I'll do this (I pray) but here's another good reason that knocked the last of the joy out of my system.
Way too much info on the phone, outta the blue.
Now I want to slap them all with a big wet fish and shake them as I shout at the "I get it, you think you're cute and funny! I don't! I find more fun and cuteness in corpses from last year you self congratulatory spineless waste of space and air! Now fuck off! Quicker!

Ahem. End of rant. Sorry  

I see we're on for more dialogue. Probably better save the rest for the next and last post. I hope it'll be better for both of us.

You said in your reply that "I definitely always try to write cinematically and visually". That's true but all this talking stuff isn't very cinematic. I read a script doctor's verdict that Dogglebe posted a while ago. The SD mentioned that the script suffered from chattiness, or words to that effect. This comment could also be applied here. Even when we get out of the bar these folks babble on like they do in soap operas. I'd say even fans of your script would agree this needs some trimming.

Okay, hope you don't take offence to any of that. None meant. I'll dig into the rest tomorrow. You written any other scripts?

Thanks for the continued reading and feedback, Rendevous.  I’ll respond now, since I’ve got a few minutes.

Empathize…interesting word…one I don’t use often…maybe never.  Are you saying you can’t empathize with D &C because they’re different than you?  Because you don’t understand them or relate to them?  Or because I haven’t given you anything for you to be able to empathize with them?

If they want to come get me here at my address, I’ll be ready for ‘em!

I’ve said this many times before in responses, so no problem doing it again.  I write “a lot” as “alot”.  It’s almost at the point where either is acceptable, and will be one day soon (you just watch!).  Hey, it saves a space, and everyone knows what it is.  Guess it’s just another example of the rebel inside of me, not willing to conform.

Sorry you don’t like any of the characters.  That’s not what I like to hear.  Is there something about each one that you don’t like?

The dialogue is “meandering” along.  Some call it meaningless “banter”.  I call it (or I’d like to call it) characterization.  My aim is that you like certain characters.  It is alot, and it’s definitely too long for many.  

OK, Rendevous, here’re the details of the infamous “bar scenes”…approximately 21 pages, 11 scenes, 6 of them being unique settings.  As I keep saying, these 21 pages will not play out to the standard 1 page equals 1 minute of film time.  It’s highly dialogue based with lots of quick back and forths.  I’m also intro’ing a new setting, and 8 named characters (7 main characters).  Then, they’re all meeting up with D & C.  There are several different groupings here as well (the 7 kids on their own, D & C on their own, the girls with D & C, the guys on their own, and the whole group with D& C).  There’s a band playing, lots of movement around the bar, and every character has some things to say, to give you an idea of what they’re like.

Is it too much?  Most think it’s way too much, but I really don’t.  I see it covering about 14 minutes or so, and based on that, I think it’s gonna work well the way it is…BUT…point duly noted and understood.

Cool, I’m glad you did notice some fun and funny lines.  It’s funny, cause the more I read it, the more fun and funny lines I notice…hey, it’s my baby, I can’t help it.

No, no one would be asking to have an additional 20 pages of meaningless banter, if it wasn’t there, but the rest of the script may not pay off like it does either.  We’ll have to wait and see what you think when you’re all done.  You may actually come back and revisit the bar scene controversy.

I’ll relook at those 2 passages.  Off the top of my head, I think they look OK, though.

Hey, I’m up to the slug comment, which I definitely want to address.  I love talking about slugs!  Mind’s not too focused right now, if you know what I mean, so I’m just gonna post this now and think on it a bit.

Thanks again, man.

Dreamscale,

That's why it's your script and you have things set up the way they are.  Now I know what you were thinking, not adding another kill scene and killing off Joey.   Didn't even dawn on me.  But then I was tired too.

Carlie and David more so after.

You had a few twist and turns, that's another reason why I went back and read it a second time.  I wanted to make sure I was tracking.  All your twists were good. But then again each reader/writer see things differently.

Sorry, when I responded last night, it was passed my bedtime.  I type pretty fast as things come to me. I was tired and should have waited until today.  So disregard on the acronyms, I don't know what I was thinking.

Maybe writers block, Huh!

I'll wait until I get more post under my belt before I post anything.

Cool,

Ghostwriter 22

DS,

Finished it, as promised. I'm a man of my word. ™ © Heath Ledger 2008.
I know you've a thick skin when it comes to comments so I'm confident you'll take this advice in the spirit it was given.

Quoted from Scriptshadow site What I learned: "People sitting down and talking scenes" are the worst. Avoid them at all costs. No matter how good the dialogue is, it brings your story to a standstill. Try to have the conversations you need to have within the flow of the story. Be creative and stay kinetic. Keep your characters moving.

Personally I've had similar problems in the past. I used to be part of a writing group. These folks were writers, not actors. But what they did was read out the various parts of a script. Occasionally some bright spark would video it.

I learnt as they read what worked and what didn't. When I watched the playpack it became crystal what needed to go, what needed to change and what should stay.
If you're adamant that these talky scenes are right and should stay unchanged then I'd suggest you get a couple of willing people to do this.
You'll learn a bunch of stuff. The people who read the parts will also tell you stuff that you'd never have thought of. They're only looking at one of your characters and seeing out. You're looking at all of them and peeking in.

I also remember some fine advice given to me whilst out drinking a few years ago.

Quoted from wise advice If one person tells you you're drunk they may be wrong. If ten people are telling you you're drunk then you should lie down.

In a previous post I mentioned the horror films I like. Another I saw recently and forgot how much I loved is American Werewolf in London. I see in older posts you talk of a 'drag' and slow build. I can't think of a scene in the movies I mentioned that feels like that. There's no scenes in those films that slow it down or that could easily be removed without some problems or a loss to the whole. I can't see that applying to all the scenes between pages 4 and 42 as for me, hardly anything apart from some boring conversations took place to be bluntly honest. I see after page 50 or so things slow back down and we're back to booze and yap. They pick up seven pages later.

I can't see anything here that's worth all these pages as there isn't anything that has any real conflict or plot points. Why are there so many scenes like this? I don't understand.

I should say that I think there is a good little vicious slasher horror script in here.
However, the set up and the characters took way too long to get there. There's a gigantic mountain of unncessary dialogue and superflous characters.

For what has been said so far you've explained this is meant to be a slow burn that speeds up. I think a horror script of this nature should be tense and scary most of the way through then it should speed up.

Quoted from FTW FADE TO WHITE: EXT. THE HORNY TOAD - CONTINUOUS

I've always assumed a Fade to Black / White means a passage of time. I'd say the Continuous slug would throw this off, seems to be a contradiction. This happens more than once.

Would Bobby call his wife by her full name on the radio. I realise it's got a bit of a ring to it but seemed a tad weird as he didn't do it before.
I think he'd

The uses of Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Baby One More Time, John Norum's "Shimmering Highs" is asking for red flags. The earlier kill as well. I'm not quite sure why you'd make life so hard for yourself.

I've read that about 40,000 scripts get registered with the WGA. Every single year.
And that's just the US. Getting a read from one of those folks with the bottomless wallets and green lights is tough.
Why would give them so many reasons to stop reading?
This just seems to be asking for trouble Jeff. You seem a wiser man than that DS. I ain't saying lick bottoms, all I'm saying is give yourself a fair chance.

Wouldn't Bobby's wife be well used to his drinking and line up a few for him before she leaves. He could still drink them all. Just a thought.

Quoted from FTW He points further back and makes a fist and slams it into his other open gloved hand.

I think there's a few too many 'and's in there. Maybe - "He points further back, makes a fist then slams it into his other gloved hand."
'open' is obselete as it goes without saying, it'd have to be.

I've no problem with most of your action sequences. They're well described and it's clear what's happening to who. Some sentences could do with shortening though -

Quoted from FTW Danny, only a few feet away, sledge hammer in hand, gets ready to swing away.

I'm not sure how 'gets ready to swing' would be filmed. I think I know what you mean, but I'm not sure.

Maybe "Danny's a few feet away. He grips the sledgehammer. He lifts it, ready to strike."

I know you're fond of full slugs. I do have to say though I got thoroughly sick of reading CONTINUOUS.

Not entirely sure you need to capitalise Hell. Reads a bit weird to me, as if someone's emphasising it.

Quoted from FTW P. 107 But why? What's in it for me?

Ah, Mr. Bond. I've been expecting you. Let me tell you all about my plan...in detail...

The later part of the script is much better. I can why you did certain things now. I just wish the first half of the script was as well written as the latter.

The second half reminded me of Scream, amongst others.

I noticed your top margins are way too close to the top of the page. Not sure if it's your software but I'm sure you know they should be an inch.

With this title I exoected the snow and the temperature to come into play a bit more. I'm not sure how but after reading it all I remember is some frozen logs, then these characters talking about being 'frickin' freezing'. I'd have liked them to have 'seen' them being cold. Sniffles, clouds of breath. More blood on white powder.

As always this was meant to help. I hope it does.

One more thing -

Quoted from DS I added 23 new kills, an alien invasion, and a rather long scene in which a baby elephant searches for its mother, but otherwise, no changes.

Where's all those promised extra kills, the invading aliens and that lovable little baby elephant?

Rendevous, sorry about the delay in finishing my response to you earlier post.  Let’s talk about slugs for a minute, and then I’ll finish up on this post and get to your next post, which has to be just about the most scathing and negative post I’ve seen.

I’ve said before a few times that this script is a horror hybrid. One of its genres is something I would call “real time thriller”.  This means that for the most part, it takes place in “real time”.  I’m shocked that you would have trouble knowing what time of day it is…as in night or day, etc., because IMO, everything is very, very simple to follow and understand.

As far as I’m concerned, slugs should be 2 things…consistent, and offer as much information as possible.  When “day” or night”, or anything like that is used, it should be understood that until there is a new time of day in a slug, that it’s the same time of day.  This seems very obvious to me, but maybe not to everyone.  In reality, if every slug reads “day” or “night”, each new scene could, in theory, be a new day or night, right?  “Moments later” is pretty obvious how long has elapsed, and “later” should be understood to be later in that time frame, but more than a few minutes.  “Continuous” means that the scene is taking place at the same time, or literally right after.  It’s a visual that the script can provide, that a filmed version cannot.  It lets everyone in the production realize if a wardrobe change needs to take place…if a setting needs to be changed…if the disposition of a character needs to be different, etc.  This 1 word should not take any additional time to glance over…it doesn’t take any additional space.  All it does is help with the understanding of what exactly is taking place, and when.

Again, because there are a number of different scenes that are taking place at the same exact time as others.  “Continuous”, IMO, helps the reader to understand that.  Without these written cues, one could wonder if a day has gone by, or an hour, whatever.  Things come together here based on time, and these cues are meant to help the reader realize this and stay in touch with exactly what’s going on.

In your example, it should be very obvious that the “fade to white” simply ended that scene.  Because the slug tells you it’s now later, it is telling you that you missed a few unimportant things going on.  You can assume that it’s still the same time period that it was before.

In reality, once the scene is set on the airplane, there are numerous hints, via dialogue and action, how much time has passed at various times, as well as how much time should pass.  Maybe you missed these…maybe you skimmed over them and they didn’t stick with you. They’re there though, and that’s why a lot of what people call meaningless banter, is actually in there.

I completely disagree with whoever warned you against using “moments later” and “later” in your slugs.  They work perfectly.  You just have to trust that the writer knows what he’s doing and is being consistent.  If you go back over this, I don’t think you’ll find anything that really doesn’t make sense.  Are there some slugs that possibly could be written a bit better?  Probably, but I’d bet they’re few and far between.

Seems like you’re splitting hairs here now, asking what the wheels catch on.  Does it matter?  You know they’re on a very snowy road.  You know that for some reason, they lost control.  Now you know they’re regained control.  So, what did they catch on? They caught on either the snow or a patch of actual road.

Nicole is loaded.  This is how she is. Sorry you don’t like her personality traits.  I actually tend to like this line.  I think it’s rather comical.

What do you mean that there is way too much info on the phone, outta the blue?  I don’t understand what you’re referring to.

Sorry again that you don’t find Carlie’s ways to be cute, funny, goofy, or anything remotely entertaining.  Have you ever heard anyone say something like this before?  Does that have something to do with your hate of this kind of stuff?  I love this line, actually, and liked it so much, I decided to use it again later in the script…kind of like a comedian returning to a certain comment, joke, or punch line.

Yep, more dialogue directly ahead.  Take cover, prepare yourself.  It could get ugly.  Sounds like it does get ugly, based on your next post.  It’s not going to get any better for either of us, I’m afraid.

Cinematic and visual writing doesn’t mean that every scene has to be some wild, entertaining setting, filled with action.  Writing can be visual and cinematic, and pertain to simple dialogue and characters sitting around, IMO.

Yes, my script is chatty.  No denying that.  It’s purposely written the way it’s written.  It’s not supposed to be following tried and true (and predictable) plotlines.

I’m trying my best not to take offense to your comments.

Thanks for the feedback again.

Quoted from Dreamscale Rendevous, sorry about the delay in finishing my response to you earlier post.  Let’s talk about slugs for a minute,

Dreamscale. No worries. Let's talk about slugs. No snails pulease.

Quoted from Dreamscale ...takes place in “real time”.  I’m shocked that you would have trouble knowing what time of day it is…as in night or day, etc., because IMO, everything is very, very simple to follow and understand.

Real time - Good concept - I've not seen it since Nick Of Time with Depp well over a decade ago. Although that one did take literally.

As for the time of day I did have an idea, I just wasn't sure. I had to keep going back to confirm as all the slug I read was Later, Moments Later or Cont. The Day and Night slugs are pretty far apart. Usually with a script this isn't a problem. If I'd known that from the off then it wouldn't have been. But I didn't. I can't see any indication that I should have.

I was just pointing out a relevant that occured to me while reading.

Quoted from DS ...then I’ll finish up on this post and get to your next post, which has to be just about the most scathing and negative post I’ve seen.

What? Hang on, "scathing and negative". Seems a bit strong.
I didn't say this was the worst thing I've read ever read, nor did I swear about it or say you should bin it. What did I say to cause such offence?
I ain't Pauline Kael reviewing Kubrick or Peter Bradshaw watching a US comedy. In fact I quite liked some parts of it. I do recall saying this too.

To be crystal about my views - Technically I thought the majority of the writing was pretty good. Story wise there's also a good plot in there for this type of film script.
I just disliked all the talk that seemed, to me at least, unnecessary.
I did mention this in my ...

Quoted from DS "most scathing and negative post I’ve seen"

My comments on what, page 17 now, are just the honest views from yet another wanna be screenwriter, who probably should know better.
All I did was tell what I thought as I was reading it. I did bookend my comments with relevant points to my views.
I figured you wouldn't be that bothered if I didn't actually like it. I mentioned this before I started.
What? You want me to smother you with praise?

I'm certain of this - praise is great! Boosts that ego and vindicates. But writing wise it tells you nothing, apart from 'wow, they liked it'.
It doesn't tell you what might need adjustment, where the boring bits are or what might need improving. In other words praise will certainly not improve your script. I'm somewhat surprised you feel the need to defend against my comments with such vigour. You can surely take an alternative view to your own on board and consider it?

Believe it or not, I was trying to be constructive and helpful.

Quoted from DS ... slugs should be 2 things…consistent, and offer as much information as possible.

I beg to differ. Slugs should tell you what you need to know, and no more.
Continuous is redundant if it's obvious.
A screenplay should flow and be a good read. I know this, I wish I could do it properly. It ain't easy.

Quoted from DS “Moments later” is pretty obvious how long has elapsed, and “later” should be understood to be later in that time frame, but more than a few minutes.  “Continuous” means that the scene is taking place at the same time, or literally right after.  It’s a visual that the script can provide, that a filmed version cannot.  It lets everyone in the production realize if a wardrobe change needs to take place…if a setting needs to be changed…if the disposition of a character needs to be different, etc.  This 1 word should not take any additional time to glance over…it doesn’t take any additional space.  All it does is help with the understanding of what exactly is taking place, and when.

Okay, I knew all that. But this is a spec script. Not a shooting script. There's a few hurdles to jump before we get to production and costumes.
at this point in proceedings I'm yet to be convinced that Moments and Minutes later slugs alone without action that justifies their use are correct. If I'm wrong please elaborate.
I'm not alone in this view.  

Quoted from DS In your example, it should be very obvious that the “fade to white” simply ended that scene.  Because the slug tells you it’s now later, it is telling you that you missed a few unimportant things going on.  You can assume that it’s still the same time period that it was before.

I meant that a fade to black, white or orange would indicate to readers that time has passed. Your next slugs contradict this. Maybe these would work fine on screen, and maybe not. A fade usually does mean time passing.

Quoted from DS Maybe you missed these…maybe you skimmed over them and they didn’t stick with you. They’re there though, and that’s why a lot of what people call meaningless banter, is actually in there.

Maybe I did. I don't doubt they're there.

Quoted from DS Seems like you’re splitting hairs here now, asking what the wheels catch on.  Does it matter?  You know they’re on a very snowy road.  You know that for some reason, they lost control.  Now you know they’re regained control.  So, what did they catch on? They caught on either the snow or a patch of actual road.

Well, considering we're in a very snowy locale in a treacherous situation at a critical point of life and death I wondered. I thought it was a fair point. If you disagree who am I to question?
DS, what do you want me to say here? Are you going to try and argue with, then dismiss every point I've made?
I read all of your feature length script and I've already posted three rather long posts about it. I'm somewhat bewildered that you seem to view my opinions as wrong and that they must be countered with such strong rebuttals and denial.

I read your review of my first effort on SS. I've found most of them extremely useful while I'm writing my next draft. You're not alone in not liking it. I don't recall dismissing them or even arguing with them. I came to your script with high hopes. 7000 views and pages of comments. Must be good.
Your opinion is your own. Who am I to disagree?

You think your script is great and flawless? Good for you. Seriously and honestly I wish you the very best of luck with it. It would seem any further comments from me are utterly futile.

Quoted from DS I’m trying my best not to take offense to your comments. Thanks for the feedback again.

Offence was furthest from intentions, apologies if any was caused. I just tried to be as honest and clear as possible. Something went wrong somewhere.