It's difficult to say mate cos it was a while ago that I read the earlier draft. It reads quick and pretty much every scene is moving the story forward. So yeah, I'd say the changes have improved it, as far as a read goes.

The additional kill seemed a little random to be honest. I'd forgotten about it by the end of the script. I know what you were going for but for me, it didn't quite work. I don't see a problem with revealing earlier that Danny is the killer and in a way, it could improve things. If we see Danny kill that guy then acting all normal in the bar, it'll definately add more tension to that whole scene.

I think the Xavier thing went way over my head in the first read and I understood, kind of, this time. So yeah, that part must be more clear.

By the way, about the Janey murder and True Romance link, I wasn't meaning for him to not like her. The scene in True Romance, you get the impression that he does really like Alabama, but killing is just what he does, you know? I was meaning more, using it as a chance to reveal where Danny's heads at.

I was thinking that the part where it's both Danny's and Carlie's feet walking, we should be scared for Carlie. At that point, we know Danny's a killer and don't yet know about Carlie. It'll be a headache to change but I think it's worth a go to have Danny walk in on Carlie before she kills anyone and give the impression that he's going to kill her too. That reveal when she turns around, smiles, and asks how the killing went sounds good in my head. Bit of a WTF moment, ya know?

Oh, just remembered about the Danny weakness/injury thing. I was meaning something that he brings up in passing. Old football injury or something. So when he gets hit in the knee, it adds a bit more impact.

Damn....I'm bummed you didn't like the new kill scene.  I've gone back and forth, and side to side whether or not to reveal Danny at that point (or some point before the infamous "shed scene".  I decided that the impact of the reveal in the shed was too great to do away with.  By not showing my killer in that new scene, I was hoping that each individual would have their own thoughts on it, and some would immediately think it was Danny, others would assume it's Tobias, and still more would be undecided and wait for more info.

Yeah, I hear ya about the True Romance thing with Danny and Janey.  I see where it could definitely work, and I was trying to get a little tormenting going on, but I just don't think I'm going to portray Danny as anymore cruel than he already comes off.

As for the Danny and Carlie's legs walking scenes, I am still hoping that the viewers will again have their own opinion about what it means..some will hopefully fear for Carlie, while others will assume she is in on it.  At that point, there's really nothing that would lead one to believe she's going to turn out to be a heartless killer.

I could throw in a line or 2 with Danny telling everyone about an old ski injury or the like.  Maybe that's why Lisa hits him in the leg?  Or why Janey kicks him in the leg.  I like it for sure, and will see how I can best fit it in.

Thanks again, Ste!

First off, a great opening sequence with the hitman taking out The Patterson family.  It was fast and abrupt, coming out of left field for an opening scene.  It’s a good eye catcher.  

Tobias’s method of killing did seem strange for a professional assassin, using an axe to kill Mrs. Patterson.  I was a bit thrown by that.  It was still an attention getter that made me wanna read further.  

I was interested in who The Pattersons were and what their relationship was to the other characters.  Waiting to see if Jake, Johnny, Megan, Nicole or the others had something to do with that family or were related to that story at all.   Johnny’s tale of Jake banging the Mexican over the head at the bar seemed to be a plot point, maybe suggesting that Danny and Carlie were hired to take him out by a drug lord or relative of the man that was hurt.  But, that turned out to have nothing to do with their plans to kill the group of friends.   Or did it?  Are we supposed to believe that Xavier wanted him killed?  Spanish descent?  

Expository scene at the bar, introducing all the characters and bringing them together with Danny and Carlie was fun for awhile with some real great dialogue, but dragged on.  I was waiting for a follow up scene that pushed our story forward.  It didn’t come for a very long time.  

You can tell these people have known each other awhile and know all their dirty little secrets.  The bar scene was fast paced and written very well with an almost ad lib feel to it.  I like how these characters interrupt one another and don’t sound scripted.  Good job on that.  

Johnny seemed to be the most interesting character at first, with his story about Jake and The Mexican.  He draws you in, but overall never really added much to the story as a whole.  Basically, nothing happened with these people besides a few too many drinks, some arguing, and all of them meeting their fates at the hands of Carlie and Danny.  In a horror film like this, the in between scenes should be just as frightening to push the story forward.  

The pacing was good overall with the deaths coming sporadically throughout the story.   This was handled nicely.  These scenes were fun and really suspenseful.  I really enjoyed the scene where Megan is killed.  Lots of sexual tension between the female characters helped build an uncomfortable suspense.

I’d have to say I was really drawn in by the first 20 or so pages, getting to know all the idiosyncrasies of these kids, picturing the differences between the male and female characters.  This was done very well.  

It’s definitely a guilty pleasure dead teenager flick like Friday the 13th or April Fool’s Day.  There were some great scenes, but too few and far between.  There was never any real story here until the end when Danny and Carlie meet with Xavier.  Even then, I still don’t understand their motives for killing the friends.  I don’t get who Xavier is and why they work for him.  

I would have enjoyed a story where these kids were specifically targeted for something they mistakenly saw or did during their trip.  As the story stands now, there isn’t much of one.  Officer Jacobs seemed to be a shining ray of hope for a real story, finding something in the Jeep, connecting all the dots and discovering who Danny and Carlie are.  But he just happened to stumble onto the scene with his gun drawn.  I hated that.

Great bar scene with colorful dialogue, but the dialogue between Danny and Carlie needs reworked.  The I love you, honey stuff seemed silly and out of place.  As a dark comedy, horror, they should be laugh out loud hilarious or very dark and evil.  They were the weakest link in your story and the most underdeveloped characters.  They are your stars and should be interesting enough that we should want to follow them on their journey.  I would seriously rework their parts throughout the script.  

But, God help me, I did have fun reading this solely for the death scenes.  They were nicely paced with some very menacing payoffs.                      

Eric D.

Thanks for the read and comments Eric.  I really appreciate it.  Glad you seemed to like it for the most part.

I PM'd you earlier with a few comments, so I won't duplicate them here.

One thing I want to say, and I've said it several times before, is that I want this story to be taken for what it is, and that's really nothing more than an exercise in killing. The "big" theme and plot point has obviously been missed again, but other than that, this is meant to be an entertaining ride with numerous shocks, surprises, and twists. That's it.  I also purposely wrote this in a way that doesn't follow standard horror cliches, and plotlines, and I wanted it to come across as very different in that regard.

I don't see this to be anything like Friday the 13th or April Fool's Day.

The killings are random, and hopefully come off that way.  None of the killers have killed before, and the instruments of death are used because they're available at the time.

I'm surprised again that you didn't like Danny and Carlie, or their interaction with each other.  I've heard this numerous times and I just don't get it.  I've toned down Danny's lovey dovey mannerisms, but left Carlie's intact.  For me, they come off as such likeable, cool people, who are definitely in love with each other, totally relate to each other, and know each other extremely well.  Alot of what they say and how they say it, is taken from personal relationships...maybe I'm just whacko, I don't know!  Danny and Carlie had alot more screentime and dialogue in earlier drafts, but I've worked them out, and thought there was still more than enough in there for you to get to know them...and like them.

Anyway, thanks again.

OK first things first, I can't believe I read a script where a majority of the characters are smashed beyond recognition the whole time.  I mean there is some hardcore drinking going on here. lol. Anyway, this post isn't going to be organized because I've been taking notes and thinking up ideas over the past couple of days that I've been reading this new draft...so bare with me.

I'm not a big fan of using continuous.  I think it's distracting, and I would suggest cutting it from your first page.  Now I've noticed it's being used throughout.  I don't think it's needed.  I think your readers would be able to distinguish the fact that the same scene is happening.

When Mrs.  Patterson gets it, I find your description of the scene a little awkward.  "Blood and milk pile around her lifeless body."  When I think of the word "pile," I think of a mountain of things, a stack, etc.  It doesn't sound right.  It DOES sound like a messy murder so maybe something like "blood and milk lay seige to the floor around her" not exactly those words but something along those lines.

Right before your main title sequence (I think you should cut the INSERT TITLE part.  That's giving direction for the director and anyway I think you did it superbly with the screen going to a shrill white....I myself would put the credits there even without you telling me to), you have Tobias kill the little kid.  I don't really know how to feel about this.  The only thing I can chock it up to is one of those openings to a movie where you go "what the fuck am I getting myself into?" and then you sit there and find out for yourself, only if you have the balls to.  BUT if there are more things that you have to cut from this script, one of the first things you should look at is this murder. EDIT- I guess you don't have to cut it since it comes into player later

I would say what kind of jeep Danny and Carlie are driving in the beginning.  When you have your characters driving, always tell us what their vehicle is so we can get an idea of their personality.

Now onto the infamous bar scene....

* I'm not a big fan of characters telling stories or jokes in a script unless a) it has a meaning, b) its funny, or c) the dialogue brings it out.  I don't feel Johnny's dialogue brought out that story and made it interesting.  If anything to improve this, add flashback scenes.

* When the girls come back from dancing and see Danny and Carlie at their tables (p. 24) you should try and milk that scene a little bit more....there hasn't been anything errie or scary going on for the last 13 pages... Danny's eyes could narrow on one of the girl's and he could say "Oh I'm sorry, did we take your tables?" in a certain kind of tone that suggests he might be a little crazy from the very outset.

Some of these deaths are pretty violent.  I think I remember reading somewhere none of these characters have killed before.  I think it would be great to show the murderers being momentarily irked when they come across the first victim or two, because otherwise I think they're already stone cold killers.

Great job with Janelle and Martin.  The scene where they go out to grab a smoke and Martin confesses that he likes her (while she's hooking up with Johnny), and she says things can't work out, but she gives him a kiss anyway and tells him anything can happen...I really liked that.  After that moment, I was really digging Janelle's character and was hoping she would pull through...of course, she didn't.  But o fuckin well haha.  As for having Jill the only one who seems to actually still be alive, I would scratch that and change it to Janelle -- but it is your story... I just feel Jill wasn't that big of a character to grant her the lucky survival.

Question.  When you created this X guy toward your Wild Things-like ending, what did you intend him to be?  I have an idea (its probably off)...but I can't really pinpoint what it is.  It's hard to explain.  One suggestion, though, if you're going to do this credits thing, try and make it shorter than what it is, otherwise it feels like it just keeps on dragging.

Overall, I liked Fade to White.  There are a couple more things you need to straighten out in your new draft but I'm not the kinda guy who sits down looking for all the typos, so you can do all that :p

Keep working on this, though, I'm sure some new ideas will come to you that you could add that will benefit this script.  

Quoted from ericdickson   They were the weakest link in your story and the most underdeveloped characters.  They are your stars and should be interesting enough that we should want to follow them on their journey.  I would seriously rework their parts throughout the script.

I think Danny and Carlie are fine as is...they come across as a Mickey and Mallory type to me in a way...but I think M&M would make short work of Danny & Carlie lol

Thanks for reading and comments, Steve.  It’s much appreciated.

Yeah, a few people have also commented on the amount of drinking before.  Maybe I’m just an alchie, but I don’t find it surprising or gratuitous.  It’s a vacation for all, right before New Year’s, in a ski town, and it’s dumping like never before.  Everyone’s pretty fired up, and drinking is definitely in order.

I see that most writers in here don’t use “Continuous” or “Later” or anything in that regard.  I always feel when I’m reading a script, and it’s omitted, that I have trouble figuring out where we are in terms of time.  My screenwriting software “asks” for something’s inclusion in the scene heading, and I actually like it quite a bit.  I also think that when actually shooting the script, it makes things a lot easier for all involved (are the characters wearing the same clothes?, has anything changed from the prior scene?, is there passage of time in terms of what’s in front or around the characters, etc.).  I’m a stickler for details, and this makes things crystal clear for me.

Funny you mention the use of the word “pile”.  When I originally wrote this, the first person that read it said the same thing (I actually used “pile” twice in the script), and I said that I just liked the word.  We went back and forth about this for days, but I still decided to keep it in.  The actual word should be “pool” or “pools”, but for some crazy reason, I like the visual of “pile”.  Maybe I’ll give in and make the change, cause in reality, you’re definitely right.

Cornetto said the same thing about my “Insert Title”, but again, I like its placement there.  I actually don’t see any credits rolling until the end, but who am I to think I can mandate that sort of stuff?

Same deal with little Joey getting it in the intro.  My first reader hated it, and several have commented on the same lines.  But you are exactly correct in what I was going for with its inclusion.  I wanted everyone to know right up front that no one was safe, nothing sacred, and no punches were going to be pulled.  By not actually “showing” him get blasted with the shotgun, I feel like it’s no big deal, and I really like the tone it sets.  If I have my way, no way is that getting cut!

In early drafts, there was a long, boring, unnecessary scene about the rental car (SUV) that Danny got…and wanted.  It didn’t go anywhere, and just took up space, so out it came.  It is a rental car though, so it’s what they had available in terms of an SUV.  And for the record, it’s a 4 door new model Jeep SUV (most likely a Grand Cherokee).

Others have suggested the use of flashback for Johnny’s story. It was originally planned to be that way.  I took it out because I decided it would be a big, expensive undertaking to shoot, and I actually kind of like the idea of the camera panning around to all the kids as they listen.  A way of getting to know everyone.  It’s a little less than 3 pages long, and being virtually all dialogue (with a few back and forths) it will play out onscreen much less.  Considering there’s 7 characters present, I don’t think it will be too dull, with shots of everyone, etc.

At this point, the viewer shouldn’t suspect Danny and Carlie for any reason, so I don’t want to add anything that may give it away.  I really just want this scene to play out for what it is…drinking, partying, fucking around with each other.  Most think it goes on too long and is wasted time, but I feel it works, and will be quite funny in places.  I think it works in showing who these people are.

I’ve considered this as well in terms of showing early remorse, etc. from Danny and Carlie when they start their killing.  I went against it in the long run, because at the time, they have been “empowered” to kill, and basically aren’t themselves when it goes down.  More on that later…

Glad you liked Janelle and Martin’s outdoor scene…I like it also.  Janelle is definitely one of my favorite characters and I was hoping that the viewer would like her also and route for her.  In terms of having her survive, I decided it was too formulaic, and I wanted to stay away from anything that was “supposed” to happen.  As for Jill surviving, it was a late entrant…I just decided someone has to survive, why not the least likely and necessary?

Back to my biggest problem…Xavier!  Damnit, I don’t understand why no one seems to get this.  This was a major change I made with this draft, and I thought (I still think, actually) that everything should be pretty clear, although still purposely ambiguous.  If you read some prior posts of mine, you’ll see who/what X is, and maybe things will be a little clearer in your mind as to what this all really means.  It’s actually the entire premise of the story, which I wanted to throw in after the fact to get people thinking, and coming to their own conclusions, and again, stray far from the beaten path of structure and the like.

The “missing scenes” are another point of people either liking them, or disliking them.  Yeah, “Wild Things” was definitely my source of inspiration here, and I personally love when movies do this.  If nothing else, it keeps people in their seats while the credits role, and I think it adds so much and fills in so many holes that maybe didn’t (purposely) make sense at first.  There’s about 5 minutes worth after Xavier’s scene.   Most are very short, and should move pretty quickly actually.  There were more originally that I edited out.

Glad you liked it.  I also saw some Mickey and Mallory in Danny and Carlie, and in a way, were my inspiration, but obviously in a toned down way.  Thanks again, and I appreciate your feedback.  

hey dreamscale,
this is one reeaally long script, especially for the horror genre, and i read it all in one sitting and that's a good thing. usually, i'll take breaks from scripts and even know your script was rather lengthy it kept me reading so overall i liked this! But like every script there's things to be critiqued (ps. i havent read anyone elses reviews so bare with me if i'm repetitive):

- the deaths are pretty brutal and quite a bit for an opening scene but it works so far!
one thing that kind of struck me as odd is on page 3. i don't exactly understand one part, but when marshall is being electrocuted you mention he's under water and helpless, i don't exactly understand how he leaps out of the water to grab at Tobias' leg? I've never been electrocuted but i don't think he'd be able to just jump and grab, maybe so it just seemed a bit odd to me! It might be easier to just cut him trying to retaliate.

- Page 4, to end a brutal opening scene gives good introduction to Tobias and his ruthlessness it is quite scary, the ending though when he enters the kids room it isn't really clear if he shot himself or the kid, i guess its assumed that it would be the kid but still i wasn't sure!

- i'm assuming carlie and danny are the main characters, they have good intros, you can tell that their likable characters. the dialog between the two is believable, sometimes corny haha but it works, sometimes they seem really lovey-dovey, which is good but were they not fighting? i had the impression there was some conflict deeper then carlie wanting a baby between them.

- At the horny toad there's a lot of characters being introduced in that first scene, it might make it easier if you maybe gave each couple some dialog between them just so its easier to remember names. but i am getting used to it, they talk distinctly enough to remember each character and as a film it'd work. the dialog between the big group at the bar is well done and pretty realistic but carlie seems a bit passive when i think around all these women she might be alittle more defensive.

- I was just about to say maybe you should add a flaw to danny he's a bit too perfect but wow nevermind i just got to jake's death, i really liked how you've set things up, from here this script is really picking up!

- I wasn't sure if carlie was going to be in on it, it would of been interesting if she wasn't but her scene with megan is well done, i like how your death descriptions pay tribute to the ongoing white and blood red thing you've got going!

- i'm a fan of how carlie and danny have transitioned into such creepy characters, the deaths come pretty fast after the twist but it works nicely. however, through out all the death scenes one thing i think is lacking is a little more suspense, if there was any way you could think of to add a bit, maybe someone seeing a killing and trying to escape might be good!

- The police officer in the house when janelle is pretty intense, my favorite part!

just finished reading now, overall it was a good horror script, pretty creepy and i liked how you ended it, i don't know if i personally like the credits going in and out, mainstream audiences might not wait around, i think it'd be better to glue it all in before the credits but the ending is good and really ties the binds! one thing i really liked about your script is that it took a completely different turn then i suspected, i really thought tobias' set up was to be the killer that would kill carlie and danny and terrorize them through-out their stay... boy was i wrong! there were some parts that were a bit far-fetched but i overlooked that because it worked for the story and it's a horror movie! again, this was a good read that danny and carlie are absolutely nuts, good death scenes as well. i didn't come across any spelling or grammar errors so i think your in the clear, there are always those few that lurk though aha! anyways, you've got a talent in the horror genre, it started off slow but when it picked up it really picked up, the slow start was good to develop the characters well. look forward to your future scripts!

Thanks for the read and comments, Kev.  I totally appreciate the feedback.

You think it’s long now? You should have seen it last year!  I cut out so much and tightened the writing to get it to its current length of 114 pages, which is under 2 hours in terms of screen time, and considering that the missing scenes segment goes on for 7 pages (7 minutes), I don’t feel it’s too long at all.

Glad you got through it in 1 sitting and liked what you read.

Others have also commented on Marshall’s reanimation in the water.  The cord pulled out of the wall socket almost immediately, so in my mind at least, he wasn’t dead yet.  When he jumped out of the water, it could also be taken as a last convulsion or the like.  He didn’t really “grab” Tobias’ leg, but just did enough to give his Cyndi a chance to escape.  I like this because it does give Cyndi some hope, and adds some tension.

Many have commented on little Joey’s demise. Yeah, it’s up to each viewer to determine who got shot, but it was Joey for sure, as you now know.  I wanted to make a statement early on that no one was safe, and nothing was sacred, but I also didn’t want to totally flip people out by “showing” a little kid getting offed…thus the shrill white and blast of the shotgun.

Glad you liked Danny and Carlie…a lot of people have not liked their lovey dovey ways, which I have toned down in this draft.  There is some discussion about Carlie wanting a baby, but it’s not a fight…it’s something they have been “talking” about for years.

Glad you liked the bar scene also.  Many people have lambasted me for its length and meandering, meaningless banter. It’s all just to set the stage though, and I’m glad you liked the banter and thought it was well done.

My intention was for the viewer not to know whether or not Carlie is “in” on it.  I wanted each viewer to have their own opinion about this.  I like the Megan kill also.  Thanks for seeing the color motifs throughout.  Alot of people haven’t gotten this.

As to the lack of suspense, which some have also commented on, here’s my take on it.  It seems that most people think suspense is only achieved when the onscreen characters are feeling suspense, and I don’t agree.  None of the characters have any reason to not trust Danny and Carlie, so they are at ease with them and the kills come rather “easily” because of this.  But, the viewer knows more than the characters do, and I feel that the suspense is definitely there because we know when each character is in trouble, even though they don’t.  It’s a different kind of suspense and tension, and that’s what I wanted to go for.  Actually, I wanted to steer clear of any and all tried and true horror plotlines and conventions.  Hope it worked for you to a degree.

Yeah, my favorite scene is definitely the front Hallway scene where all Hell breaks loose.  It’s the most intense scene for sure because there are so many different ways it could play out.  Hope I caught you off guard a few times in that scene.
Yeah, Tobias was definitely meant to be a red herring in a way, and I’m glad it worked for you in that regard.  In earlier drafts, Danny and Carlie are totally played up to be the nice, loving couple who’d serve as our protags.  I toned this down and got into the action much earlier in this draft, and I think it works much better.  I’m glad you thought they were going to be terrorized, cause that was my intent completely.

Thanks again Kev, and I’m glad you enjoyed it.

Dreamscale

Ok here it is, This is basically gonna be a GENERAL review. I’ll post more later.

Personally I think technical errors are secondary, peripheral, superficial problems in a script but I did record them as I went along & I will post them at the end because as I said...they are not that important.

Though one thing I did notice was your blatant disregard for the "comma" before someone's name e.g  "Hey, that's just about enough [,] Nikki!" anyway I'll put up what I spotted later, lets got on to the story.

This is going to be a little sporadic & all over place (like my feature) so Ill try & capitalise some keywords as I go for reference points. I'm just streaming my thoughts here:

I liked it. I wasn’t for the first 50 pages & this wasn't because of the build up time (from reading mine you can guess I don't have an issue with overlong, indulgent character development or the whole "getting to know" the protag-antag etc)

I just didn't like the characters, everybody seemed so squeaky clean, overly courteous, the couple in particular. CARLIE annoyed the sh?t  outta me there is nothing more cringe worthy then a lovey dovey couple displaying public affection for one another.

Some of their exchanges when on the plane (in particular the child scene) & when they get to the town made me wince. In terms of development I was delighted that 30 pages in nothing of "note" (and I use that phrase lightly) had happened, in a way it gave hope for my over wrought story.

I liked your descriptions on page 12 very clear & concise, you knew exactly what you wanted & who each person was to embody. Personally I don't prioritise these descriptions as I like to think that  he/she’S actions & personality through the course of the piece should convey their character traits but you fleshed them out well.

JANELLE was a very irritating character, we know from her description & thru a combination of Johnny & Martin's frequent gushes about her that she is beautiful but God those she know it & play up to it. I know she is to represent the prick teaser exhibiting her power at being the subject of a alove triangle but its done in such a doe eyed, playfully seductive way that it bugged me. Make her a bit edgier, dirtier, more promiscuity would have been welcome, to me she is all talk.

NICOLE was my favourite of the "Party Of Six" she was down & dirty, had all the best lines. The lesbian subplot added a fantastic dimension to the story, the restrain of Megan compared to the sheer in-your-face honesty of Nicole was paced very well & developed with style & reserve. Culminating with the shower scene, nicely done.

Johnny was your typical jock, I had no problem with him, he played is part. As did the lovestruck Martin who made me think of Marcus from my story so I could empathise with him. I thought he was going to be the hero, since he was passed out in the car as the carnage was going on inside, kudos for not going down that road.

So at the 40 PAGE mark my interest is just about maintained. As I mentioned, I like the build up, I like your desciptive/prose (The snowflake effect being a highlight, you reintroduce it at the right times & it adds a nice artistic flourish to the piece)  

The downside is the characters (all bar Nicole) I'm just not feeling them. I think this stems for your dialogue being a number of things, such as too nice, fluffy, sanitised, gleaned etc. Any confrontation/conflict is handled in an all too friendly manner there is nothing with any bit of bite or a sting in the tail. We don't like to resort to explicit language but a few "fu?ks" here & there wouldn't go astray. If just to instill a passionate streak into your characters more then anything (This of course does not apply to Nicole)

I'm sure like most readers I'm expecting the steak fork toting kraut to begin his terrorising as soon as they get to the house as it seems this is how you are setting things up.

PAGE 51 - This is where everything gets elevated into something completely different. The story (save for the earlier spurts of violence at the start & the drunkard down the alleyway) morphs into an unrecognizable beast!. And may I say for the BETTER. I mean wow!!! what a twist I personally never saw this coming & all that has gone on before is seen in a whole new light, fantastic.

You see what I'm posting here is what I felt as I read but now I have some revisions to make on my character summations.

The overtly happy relations between the couple is only fully realised now & I see why you done it like that (to throw the reader off & hopefully somewhere down the line, the viewer)
When DANNY's expression takes a turn in the shed I was on the edge of my seat. I could see it coming now  but still wasn't believing it until he takes the first swing, and that my friend is credit to your writing that you have convinced us so much that these are good, all American, wholesome couple. I couldn't believe it,

My next question was: Is Carlie in on it too, or is Danny inexplicably going on a killing spree on his own.

It takes 24 pages for it to be confirmed, brilliant. And I was oh so glad she was.  The time you took to reveal this was measured to perfection well done. Finally, I'm startin' to dig these characters.

From now on it turns into a bit of a gore fest with a lot of bludgeoning, wanton murdering which traditionally isn't my thing but the action is meted out  well. Each person meets their fate, in a daresay controlled fashion, only one or twice does a mix of incompetence & a turn of events hinder their progress.

The sequencing of the story from here is busier & you handle it expertly. The fact that I read this in one go is testament to you, I didn't feel it drag. The husband & wife across the road was a funny quirk their walkie talkie correspondence made me laugh though her unfortunate demise came across a little far-fetched which I'll mention in my next post.

The reason for Carlie & Danny taking this course of action & the Xavier character though enigmatic in a sort of upper class Tyler Durden way didn't really do it for me. I just didn't buy it. This was all wrapped up too neatly with no allowance for consequence, possible witnesses, funding, how you would even advertise this sort of "service". I guess a certain degree of "Suspension of belief" needs to be exercised here especially given the things we have just read.

The credits coming in and out is questionable & really a matter a taste personally I didn't mind it.

Overall I did really like this, the twist really got me & I loved it for that. I will post tech errors & more specific likes & dislikes I had with turns of phrase, plot points, quotes & various events in general throughout the script in the next few days so again I ask for your patience.

Good job, stick at it, you're definitely on to something here.

P.s Should Mr Haneke, take a bow here?

Hey Col, thanks so much for the read and very well written and thought out comments.  As I said in a few PM’s to you, we can keep this discussion going, and hopefully flesh out a few problem areas in both our scripts.

I’ll comment along with your thoughts, idea by idea, to keep things easy to understand.

Looking forward to your “technical error” post, as typos and mistakes of any kind are a big issue for me, and unacceptable! I am a trained editor by schooling, and have tried so hard to have this be mistake free…things keep popping up though, so an extra set of eyes is always a good thing.

Not sure I’m with you on the “comma” before a person’s name thing…at least in the example you gave here.  I am a real stickler about the comma and find myself always correcting lines with incorrect or omitted commas when reading others scripts.  Funny thing about the comma though, is that there are numerous “correct” ways to use it that many don’t seem to see or agree with.  Lots of examples can go numerous ways involving that old comma.  I don’t see the need of inserting it where you mentioned in the example given.  We can go over this in more detail later, and I’d like to see exactly where you’re coming from in suggesting it.

I’m not surprised that you weren’t loving things in the first 50 pages, as I purposely went for a long, slow buildup that meandered along, with no clear direction, but I am surprised that you didn’t really like the characters, and found them to be squeaky clean, cause that sure wasn’t what I was going for.  That’s actually a big reason for McD’s story in the Horny Toad…to show that Jake was far from the “nice” person he portrayed.

Danny and Carlie are indeed a lovey dovey couple, but they’re cool and funny also.  Many have said the same thing about not liking them, which continues to surprise me.  I honestly believe that with visuals, they would come off much better, but who knows?

I’m shocked you didn’t like Janelle – she’s my favorite (other than Danny and Carlie, of course!).  Many have also said they thought she was the best character.  In my mind (and I do know her quite well!), she’s nothing of a prick tease at all.  Although I didn’t go into any real back stories, she’s there by herself because that’s how she usually is, although she could be with pretty much anyone.  She’s cool people, easy going, doesn’t look down on anyone, and is pretty much liked by all around her.  She’s close with Martin, but they’ve never gotten it on, although Martin would sure love to.  In their scene outside, when they’re smoking, I think she comes across exactly like she is…cool, nice, and “open” to anything.  When she sees that Martin is upset, she really cares about it and wants to make sure things are still “cool” with them.  If Martin wasn’t there, she’d probably hook up with McD, but she’s no floozy, so she’d most likely take it slow.  When she mentioned the Ménage with Martin and McD, she was totally kidding around…that’s the way she is.  Would she actually partake, if it came to that?  In another situation, she would, but not around friends, and most likely not with a good friend like Martin.

Nicole is really the only outsider of the group.  No one except Megan even knows her.  She is definitely “different” from the others in both personality and upbringing – she’s a lower class, so to speak and has never had the opportunities the others all did…and still do (Jake, Lisa, and McD all come from money).  She’s not a bad person, but when she drinks (or does shots of Jagie), her other side comes out and she’s not afraid to show it.  She is definitely a “tell it like it is” person, and I like that about her as well.

I was hoping that you’d be routing for Janelle and Martin, and thought you’d think McD would at least put up quite a fight...same thing with Jake, who already killed a guy.  That’s why Jake actually went first, as I wanted it to be a complete surprise.  The 2 toughest guys go down the easiest, and cute, little Janelle puts up the best fight, but to no avail.  Like everything else, I wanted nothing to be the way it usually is.

Glad you noticed and appreciated the snowflake transitions.  I actually love these and think they work well in transitioning scenes.  Obviously, snow is a major theme here.

I think up until the wood shed scene, I pretty much wanted the reader (or viewer) to not have a clue of who the antags or protags really were, and I definitely didn’t want to point anyone out by their behavior.  I think if you reread up to page 50 or so, you’d see that certain characters do swear quite a bit, while others don’t use profanity.  Some of my early readers were appalled by the language, but I don’t think they get out much!

Yes, I was indeed intending to make people think that Tobias would be popping up any second to start his terror again at the Schaefer house.

The intent of the script was exactly like you said.  The first ½ or so played out very slow and easy going, and then BAM, everything changes completely and things get crazy in a way no one hopefully saw coming.

Glad the twist worked for you, and thanks for the compliments!  That is exactly what I was after.  Same thing with Carlie – I was hoping that viewers would be asking themselves whether or not she was in on it.  I wanted there to be some tension when Danny comes back inside and tells Lisa that Jake wants to see her in the shed. Would Carlie be next then, or is she involved?

Cool!  Again, this is exactly what I was going for here…I wanted people to actually start liking Danny and Carlie, even though they were brutally taking out innocent people.  All of a sudden, the most likely protags have become the possibly likeable antgags.  Who should I be cheering for now?  The killers or the victims?   For me, it was a tough choice, and I wanted the audience to have some moral difficulty in deciding themselves.

Yeah, at this point, violence is the name of the game, and I wanted to go for a high gore factor but still keep things in the believable realm.  Some have not appreciated the “controlled fashion” of the kills, but D & C set themselves up well and because of this, have relative ease in their killings…until Officer Jacobs arrives.  At this point, all Hell breaks loose and hopefully you had no clue how it was going to play out.

Glad you liked Bobby and Jilly – I like them too, and modeled them after a couple I know, with their funny bickering ways.  Also wanted them to be potential saviors or victims.  Jill’s demise is actually one of the first scenes I laid out in my head and is still a favorite of mine.  I look forward to hearing your thoughts on it.

The Xavier thing will have to be discussed later, as I mentioned in my PM.  It is a MAJOR plot point that no one seems to get, and it’s driving me insane!  Obviously, something is missing cause no one is getting it.

Wasn’t sure who “Mr. Heneke” was, so I looked him up on IMDB.  Someone else mentioned “Funny Games”, but I have still not seen it.  I have heard of it though.

Thanks again for the nice words and glad you enjoyed it for the most part.  Look forward to your next post.

Hi.

I'm new on here and this is going to be the first script that I've read on this site.

Dreamscale, I know you've already had many comments on this script so I'll keep mine brief.

Now, I'm only up to page 50, so there's not terribly much I can say at this point anyway.  But the first thing, I'd say is, the length.  It's a little long.  And from what I've read so far, a little too uneventful.

However, I get the distinct impression that you may have been heavily inspired by Tarantino's 'Death Proof'.  Is this correct?  Nothing wrong with that.  I liked 'Death Proof'.  And if that is the case, it certainly makes more sense in the way you've written it.  What with the slow pacing and dialogue and such.

If you know anything about Tarantino, you'll know that he was heavily inspired by the work of Howard Hawks.  His film 'Rio Bravo' in particular, which, is loved so much because it is so talky.

Anyway, my only advise at this stage, that is if you're still taking advise (you're probably already done with this script anyway), but my advise would be to just try and improve the character introductions.  The guys in the bar need to be made a little clearer.

Other than that, good job.

I'll get back with my final thoughts when I've finished it.

Thanks for the read and comments, Silverwolf.  Page 50 is a bad place to stop, as you're about to find out.

No, I actually wasn't inspired by Death Proof, although I did enjoy it.  I was definitely going for a alow build and a off beat structure.  It is chatty for sure, but again, this was all for a reason, which I think you're about to find out.

Hope you enjoy the rest.

Yeah, page 50 was a bad place to stop!!

SPOILERS for anyone who's not read the script!

Okay, I've just finished the scene with Danny and Jake.  What the hell just happened??  That came out of nowhere!!  Sure was a surprise.

Now, obviously there's not much more I can comment on.  I'm still trying to figure out what kind of a film this is.  Am I right in saying there's somekind of supernatural element about it?  No don't tell me!

It just came off that Danny was suddenly possed or something.  I thought Jake was gonna turn around and kill Danny!  Not the other way around!  I'm sure all will become clear by the end.

Anyway, I like the use of the snowflakes taking us from one scene to another.  Good way of subtly directing your film.  I can invision it quite clearly.

Oh yes.  One thing I would say though.  Is the intro of Danny and Carlie at the beginning.  I get that they're beautiful.  But you don't have to rub it in!!  Ha ha.  The way I might do it would be something like this:  DANNY and CARLIE, an 'attractive' couple.  And have done with it!

Also, their dialogue seems way too forced.  But from what I've been reading, there might be some stylistic reasoning behind that.  If not, I'd say cut the luvy duvy stuff down.  Alot!  I have a couple kinda like them in a script I'm writing.  I think physical interactions say alot more about how much in love they are than dialogue.  They don't have to keep verbally reminding us!

Anyway, I'll keep reading.

You're reading an earlier version.  This has been rewritten, and is just about ready for a final rewrite.  I've been E-Mailing the current version to those that are interested.

You awnt me to E-Mail the current draft to you?  You could pretty much just start up where you are.  Let me know.

Cool.  Yeah, that'd be great!