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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Fade to White Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 20th, 2008, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Fade to White by Jeff Bush (dreamescale) - Horror - Good friends, great skiing, and an epic snowstorm in the quiet ski town of Durango, Colorado.  Oh yeah...and a shitload of killing. The blood that's shed will never fade to white.  112 pages - pdf, format



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  February 22nd, 2009, 3:29pm
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GM
Posted: August 20th, 2008, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dreamscale,

People already talked about the logline so I won't go into it. One item that caught my eye was the 124 pages. That's alot. That's a 2 hour film. I think you should probably consider cutting some stuff back to at least 90 or 100 page mark. I'm still going to read the script but wanted to give you something to think about.

Read 23pgs. of it:

There's definitely alot stuff you can cut out like Charlie and Danny driving dialgoue and the dialogue when Charlie and Danny have when Danny collides. Cut it to when their in town. Also you have many characters. You should probably reduce it to the important characters such as Charlie and Danny and the guys at the Horney Toad. The fact you gave a name to the pilot and co-pilot says they are main characters. If their not, call them pilot and co-pilot. But what i saw as an important scene was the co-pilot first and then the pilot. The whole I want a baby theme.

In addition, you need to keep it upbeat. I was getting kind of tired (sorry to say) reading through. The opening had me a bit but then its all meeting characters and getting to know them. It's good but I think it can be shorten to also include some conflict.

you cut the horney toad scene to intercut Chalrie and Danny at the store. I advise probably to continue the Horney Toad scene through and cut or move the store scene. Preferably cut the store scene and find another way of expressing Danny's breast look in the Horny Toad scene.

I noticed you used a song (home alabama) anning to do the same thing but having second thoughts since it's copyright rights. So, I suggest removing that and keeping it general.

I'm not good in dialgoue but I think some can be reduced as well. Read it out loud. Like the beginning scene, (pardon the formating,lol.)

Tobias: cuse me?
Loyd turns.
Tobias: Sorry to bother you. I'm staying at your neighbor's house and I was looking to cook  but have no pro pro
Loyd : propane.
Tobias : Yes.
Loyd: Sure. come in.

(the rest of the scene) Can you see how shorten it is and fast to read. I'm still going to read this still. It has the feel of ("something" games) I'll look up the title later.

Hope this helps,  

Gabe

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GM  -  August 20th, 2008, 12:38pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 20th, 2008, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hey Gabe thanks for jumping on this so fast.

It's Carlie, not Charlie, BTW.

Hope you enjoy.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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GM
Posted: August 20th, 2008, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry about that. I thought it said Charlie, I guess I imagined the H. So sorry. lol.

And the movie I was thinking about was funny games.

Gabe
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stebrown
Posted: August 20th, 2008, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hey man

Read about 40 pages here and really enjoying it. Left a comment on the script club thread but thought I'd go on the script thread too.

Top dialogue fella, but just think that scene in the bar goes on too long. Granted, I'm guessing pretty much all of what's been said is going to have some link to the story but I'm sure you can get it a little leaner. For a horror, apart from the first scene, there's been no horror in a third of the script.

Really enjoying it though.

Ste


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 20th, 2008, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Thanks Ste.  Yeah, you're defintely right.  The main complaints I've gotten in the past have revolved around the extent of the bar scene.  I purposely made it long and "slow" though, as I kind of enjoy movies that have a long buildup (assuming the payoff in the end is worth the ride).  This is the getting to know you scene and I really wanted the characters to all have screen time, and hopefuly come off as real and likeable people.

Appreciate the feedback!


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stebrown
Posted: August 20th, 2008, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah man, I really liked it. Kind of reminded me of the bar scene in Death Proof. I'll finish the script before saying anything more, just wanted to say what I thought of the build up.


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Shelton
Posted: August 20th, 2008, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

EDIT:  Adding this in because I noticed some questions and observations were answered or made more clear later.  I'm a type as I read type guy, and most of my comments are entered right as I'm in the story, so some questions may be answered or resolved by the time I get to the end, but I think it's good to pop that stuff in there while it's still fresh in the mind, and to give you an idea of what the reader is thinking as they move along.

This script opens up with a bang with the numerous deaths in just the first handful of pages, but I had a problem with one.  Marshall's.  I'm not really sure if he would have even had the opportunity to do what he did, which is prolong Cyndi's death.  He should have been dead not long after that radio hit the water.  

Now, on to Cyndi.  Am I to assume that she's standing there, waiting to be shot and making a run for it, naked as a jaybird the whole time?  Not a big deal, really, but I noticed a quick passage about her gathering herself and wondered if that meant clothes.  Then there's Joey, who does little more than to establish Tobias as a "nobody lives" type guy.  Something like that probably isn't all that necessary, and when you're looking for things to cut, which you inevitably will, I'd start there.

You then move into the plane, and take far too long in telling us that Dan and Carlie are going on vacation and Carlie wants to have a baby.  You don't need the nosey fligth attendant or the Captain popping in with his little spiel.  Plane - Turbulence - Vacation - Baby.  That's the heart of the matter there.

From the first time you introduce them, all the way up to the next set of intros in the lounge, I really disliked the interaction between Dan and Carlie.  It's sickeningly sweet, and rI was waiting for one to call the other "schmoopie".  We know they're married and that their relationship seems to be on pretty stable ground.  No need to beat the reader over the head with it.  I'll also point out that they seem really full of themselves.  "Is it my imagination, or are we like the hottest couple in this airport right now?"  That's a horribly weird and random line.

I was going to comment again at the end of the first act, but I really can't find it.  There's just an awful lot of banter going on here between these people.  Just way too much.  This is talky like a comedy is talky, and since this is a thriller/horror script, a lot of this has to go.  Most of it isn't doing much to drive the story or characters forward.

Bottom of page 57 - Interesting.  I waiting to see where this goes.

I see you have your soundtrack and product placement already built in.

From then I on I pretty much just ran through the rest of the story, and I wonder about the structure.  I see how some/all of the things you did in the beginning are brought back in the end to give the story a sense of closure, but this story is seriously lacking in suspense.  Just a random opinion here, but why not use Tobias to keep people on their toes?  After all they're working together, or at least affiliated in some way, and it could make the reveal a little more surprising.

A lot of time was spent in getting to know these characters, and it still didn't seem like it was enough.  Marty and Janelle were probably the most interesting to me, Marty's death came off as being totally uneventful.

My recommendation is to take the first 60 pages and seriously re-work them, which is to say, cut the shit out of them.  It takes too long to get to that reveal, and the reader is subjected to talking and talking and talking.  After that, I would really look into the possibility of having the "working together" bit beefed up.  Put Tobias in there a little more, possibly as the helper/distractor, like I said, and then when he's killed in the end, it will be a little more dramatic.  As it is, it's like "Isn't that the guy in the beginning that killed those 5 people?  Oh, okay".

Bobby and Jill are there only to give reason for the cops to show up.  Maybe something more could be done with them as well.

On the whole, there could have been a LOT more that was done with this story.  It seems to have kind of a Hostel vibe right now, except it doesn't focus solely on power hungry alpha male types.  It's a family thing, and that could provide a lot of interesting twists and turns.

Anyway, I'm rambling here.  I'm going to try and spark up some conversation on the script club thread.

In closing, tighten this up, and exploit your key element:  Murder Vacation Package.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin

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Shelton  -  August 20th, 2008, 3:26pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 20th, 2008, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hey Shelton, thanks for the quick read and comments.  I appreciate them.  I'm going to try and respond to each reviewer as quickly as I can, so I can add my own comments and maybe clear a few things up as we go.

SPOILERS

Marshall's "revival" needs the viewer to suspend belief just a tad, I'll agree.  When the cord pulls out of the wall, the electrical flow is cut off, so maybe his body is just reacting to that.  It's obviously meant as a surprise, and a chance for Cyndi to escape.

Cyndi is buck naked (or should I say, butt naked?) when she's thrust out of the pool.  She's not standing there though, she's for the most part down on the decking, trying to get her body to move.  She's somewhat "frozen" from the electrical shock, so the "gathering herself", is her merely trying to get going again.

As for little Joey, I wanted to show early on that nothing and no one was sacred, and I wasn't going to be pulling any punches, or following standard Hollywood do's and dont's..

Danny and Carlie are definitely a lovey-dovey couple and quite goofy as well.  I think people will either love them or hate them for their sugary sweetness, but I defintely wanted to portray them like that.  They are a bit conceited but it's really more due to self confidence, and being in the position they're in, and they are a hot couple!

The bar scene is indeed long and rather slow.  It's purposely done this way so you get to know the characters, and also wonder where the story's going and when it's going to get moving.  Kind of "Wolf Creek-like actually.  I hope the banter, although mostly trivial, I agree, is still entertaining and funny at times.

Obviously, I'm not a believer in the old 3 Act structure of a script.

Tobias is already dead when the action hits Durango.  The scene at the end is a flashback, as are all the "missing scenes", so Tobias can't do anything, unless it's from the grave.  Hopefully, you assumed that Tobias was going to enter into the mix at some time in Durango and start up the killing again.

I'm surprised you didn't like Martin's death.  It's one of my faves, as I don't think you can see it coming at all, and it should hit pretty hard in a shocking way.

Bobby and Jill are actually there for several reasons.  Hopefully, they added some comic relief.  Also, Bobby's strange behavior was meant as another red herring actually, in that maybe he's involved or going to be involved.  And Jill is another opportunity for help, or if she actually made it to the Schaefer house, another potential victem.

Finally, there's an awful lot more to the actual story that no one has commented on yet, so I'll wait on that.

Thanks so much for your feedback, Shelton.  I appreciate it very much.  


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Shelton
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Tobias is already dead when the action hits Durango.  The scene at the end is a flashback, as are all the "missing scenes", so Tobias can't do anything, unless it's from the grave.  Hopefully, you assumed that Tobias was going to enter into the mix at some time in Durango and start up the killing again.


No, I got it, even though they weren't flagged as flashbacks, but going a little deeper into things that had already happened made it obvious.

My Tobias suggestion ties in with the rework suggestion.  One can assume that Tobias is going to return based on the beginning and the blurb on the radio, but after so many pages of not seeing him, you start to question that and look other places.

I never got the feeling that Bobby and Jill were in on it, but I thought of Jill as a potential victim, at least until she knocked into the tree and disappeared for the rest of the script.

I'm not really sure what aspect you're talking about when you say "more to the story" but if you can be more specific I can probably comment on it.


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 20th, 2008, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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I'm going to wait for some more comments before I go into the "more to the story" comment.

Originally, this was somewhat along the "Hostel" theme.  Early comments were that no one seemed to understand why anyone would kill just for "the fun of it", so I added in a new twist, so to speak, which turned out to change the entire overall plot or storyline.  It's purposely somewhat ambiguous, so each viewer can read their own ideas into it.

I'll go into that later.  Let's see what others have to say...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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MBCgirl
Posted: August 20th, 2008, 10:52pm Report to Moderator
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Goodness!  This could be time consuming...so I'll just say I posted on the critique page...I'm starving so going to make some dinner and read another screenplay!

MBCgirl =))


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 20th, 2008, 11:16pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hey, welcome MBC!  Glad to see someone new in here.  You picked a good script to start with (IMO).  I'll read your comments on Script Club, and look forward to your comments here.

Hope you like it!


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MBCgirl
Posted: August 21st, 2008, 12:08am Report to Moderator
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I did like it...I suppose I have some similar observations as others have already shared.  I'm just learning my way around the site and looking forward to filling up my blue post stars

Hey...you live in AZ...how are you enjoying our lovely HOT weather?

Good luck on all the posted comments and thanks for the welcome!

~m~


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
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seamus19382
Posted: August 21st, 2008, 9:11am Report to Moderator
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As for little Joey, I wanted to show early on that nothing and no one was sacred, and I wasn't going to be pulling any punches, or following standard Hollywood do's and dont's..

Wow!  Not bowing down to Hollywood's sacred cow of not murdering children gratuitosly is a very brave choice!  That will learn them Hollywood types!
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